A/N & warnings: Even though I did a lot of background research about this, I'm sure I don't do justice to what Vision Quests are really like, so go with me on this one - after all "Promise Kept" a fictional story, so some liberties are taken to make the story move forward. There are also some mentions about fasting, so if that's triggering for you, you might not want to read this chapter.
Sitting in a field was nothing new for Amy. She had sat and waited for horses to come to her before in fields just like this, but this time it wasn't about horses, it was about her.
She recalled after she had agreed to the Vision Quest that Victor had told her there was something he needed to give her. He took her into the study where he had given her her mom's letter few years ago and where she had lit the incense and fanned it with the feather before her vision that had helped her the first time she was there. Victor walked over to the shelf and pulled down the articles he had given her before - only this time he told her about them.
"Do you remember this?" Victor had asked when he had shown her a familiar looking feather. Amy had nodded, thinking she could never forget how Victor had helped her with herself after her mother's passing. "You used this Eagle's feather the last time you were here and it's the exact same one your mom used when she did her own Vision Quest. Usually it becomes part of you and you keep it with you at all times but your mom said she felt like I would find a good use for it later in my life. And I think this is the moment she meant."
It was strange to receive something from her mother after all these years, but it made Amy's connection to her mother even stronger now, as if Marion was still watching over her and making sure Amy would find her way in this world.
As she sat in the field, Amy opened a pouch Victor had given her just hours before and poured out a little of the herbs, then lit them on fire. After that she began to fan the smoke over her head and thus began her Vision Quest as she remembered Victor's words to her:
"You have to understand; this is not fun and games", Victor's words echoed in her head as she stared ahead. "Going into the spiritual world is very serious and if your intent isn't pure, the spirits won't give you the vision. Just be pure in your heart and you will find out what you need to accomplish in life and in return you realize how you can help the world."
After making sure she really was up for the Vision Quest, Victor had taken her to a remote area and placed her in the field. There was no physical shelter for Amy, all she had was this big area filled with tall grass. Victor had promised to be close by with food and medicine in case of an emergency, but reminded her that if she really wanted to do this, she couldn't think about him being there. It was all about solitude and silence. That's when the vision would come to her.
"Remember, it's up to you: do you choose the pain of staying where in your life now or do you endure the Vision Quest and the pain of growth for you life it will bring", Victor had said.
He had pressed four little flags - pointing toward North, East, South and West - into the grassy soil and made a square with them around her. They were there to help her with the balance of the universe. This square was where she was supposed to be for as long as it would take. Victor had then told her "to just Vision Quest", and Amy had felt stupid for asking how was she able to do that exactly. He had not given her any specific tips, but she was supposed to just keep her heart open and mind clear, really contemplate and be aware.
For her mind to be clear, Amy had been offered a chance to fast. According to Victor, it would help her be more alert and get rid of the distractions. She had a bottle of water just in case the quest would last longer than the few days she was able to go without.
The first day was strange and felt longer than 24 hours. Amy was so used to doing something or going somewhere, that being this still made her feel restless. Her mind wandered no matter how much she tried not to let herself think about anything but the quest.
As time passed she became more aware of the nature about her; she watched the grass dancing in the wind and the birds flying in the sky. When her legs were starting to go to sleep, she stood up, shook them and eventually sat back down.
As the twilight of the first day began to give way to the darkness, Amy didn't feel that she had accomplished anything that day. Fueled by this thought, she was determined to stay awake as she didn't want to waste any more time.
It wasn't hard to stay awake and alert when her senses were creating scary scenarios in the darkness from the noises of nature all around her, but it didn't help her to focus on the quest at hand - quite the contrary.
That night, Amy watched the stars and felt safer focusing on them. She thought about her family, sleeping under the same sky and felt more peaceful because of it. It had been a while since she had tried to find constellations, but since there was nothing else to do, she spent hours locating the big and small dippers. There had been a time when she had watched the stars and the moon with Ty and sometimes if they were lucky, they had seen the Northern lights too. The more she thought about everyone else, the lonelier she felt.
When the morning came, Amy was exhausted. Her body was feeling numb and her eyes were hurting from the lack of sleep. She stood up and shook her cramps away, returning back to her sitting position. The morning started out warm and she could soon feel the perspiration causing her clothes to stick to her skin like glue. She used her cowboy hat as a fan and decided it was good time to take a first sip from the water bottle.
Later in the afternoon, it started to rain heavily. Amy felt like an idiot for sitting in a square in the middle of the field with the heavy raindrops were pouring down on her. At first she tried to cover herself, but eventually decided it was no use; she was going to get wet anyway. So she embraced it by removing her hat and looking up toward the sky, letting the rain wash her clean. She closed her eyes and focused on the drumming of the drops.
In a strange way it felt like someone was touching her, like she was being held comfortably and it made her feel less out of place.
But as the day was turning into night, Amy found herself fighting a strong urge to leave the area. What if she went insane before she reached enlightenment? Was she really made for something like this?
"Remember, it's up to you: do you choose the pain of staying where in your life now or do you endure the Vision Quest and the pain of growth for you life it will bring", Victor's words came to her again.
After a while Amy was able to overcome the feeling by reminding herself of the victory she could have over what was haunting her if she stayed. And that was when her mind stopped wandering.
There was some kind of solace in thinking that it was not going to be forever and that sitting for few days was not going to kill her, no matter how uncomfortable it made her at times. She was going toward something better.
Later, Amy left the square to "use the bathroom" and when she came back, the square formed by the flags was starting to feel like home to her even if she did hate how uncomfortable it made her, not only physically but mentally as well.
But maybe that was the point of it all. Maybe she was supposed to be uncomfortable because she was carrying baggage with her and she needed to get rid of it. Maybe pain had become a home to her over the years and she was only starting to see it now.
During a second night, Amy didn't feel so afraid anymore. She knew there were animals out there and she was in potential danger, but somehow her body was getting more used to the idea. Some kind of feeling of safety entered her, as if she was invincible and something out there was protecting her. She was beginning to feel as if she were part of the field, she belonged there just like the ladybug or the rabbit.
Amy tried to stay awake so she could watch the stars again, but her body was too exhausted and switched itself off, causing her to fall asleep. And when she dreamed, the dreams were more vivid than anything she had ever seen.
She had a dream about Spartan, standing in front of her in the field. He was lit by the moonlight, and he moved his head, as if he was asking her to come to him. Amy stood up and left the square, walking slowly to her horse. Spartan didn't shy away but stood there, letting her mount him bareback.
But when she got on, Spartan started to run and she was barely able to hold on.
"Stop, stop!" was all Amy could scream before she lost her grip on his mane and fell from Spartan's back. When her body hit the ground, the jolt awakened her and she was covered in sweat despite the chilly night.
After that she wasn't able to fall asleep again.
The ache in her body forced Amy to massage her tense muscles carefully. Somewhere along the way her mind had started to feel separate from her body. It was as if her spirit hovered above her and she was looking down at herself. Amy no longer considered it strange, it was just how things were.
The third day was dawning and Amy watched the sun rise through her bloodshot eyes. She removed some of her clothes, that were still damp from the rain, shivering at first, but as the sun climbed higher in the sky, it began to make her warm. Amy hummed to herself, closed her eyes and tried to enjoy the comfort it gave her.
As the hours of the third day passed, the lingering hunger began to make her body twitch and Amy hunched over, trying to focus her energy elsewhere. She was sure she couldn't last another day, the whole experience was starting to become too unbearable.
Stubbornly Amy decided not to leave and search for Victor, if only because she wanted to appear at least as strong as her mother had been.
When the day was drawing to an end, Amy collapsed and fell asleep.
While dreaming, Amy felt the earth moving. The drumming of hoof beats woke her up to a dawning of a new day. She looked around from the shelter of her jacket, shivering like a leaf. The night had been colder than the ones before and it really felt like her limbs were unable to move anymore. They were stiff as a board and her body ached all over at this point. Amy had no strength to move and when she finally realized she wasn't actually sleeping anymore, she noticed there was fog everywhere. It covered her like a light blanket and made her feel like she was drifting. The smells around her had become even more intense, the dirt, the grass, the moist air, she took it all in. She felt one with everything.
And then, out of the fog walked a white horse. At first Amy thought it was some kind of mirage, but the closer it got, the more real it became. The horse watched her with gentle, dark eyes while keeping her distance, for some reason Amy was hypnotized by the old mare.
She didn't say anything , but forced herself up, letting the jacket fall on the ground. Amy did not feel the cold anymore, the hunger was gone and an overwhelming calmness swept over her. After a while she reached out her hand and hoped the mare would come to her.
And she did.
From the look of her, the horse seemed wild. Her mane was tangled and her hooves looked trimmed yet ragged at the same time from the environment in which she lived. She was curious, yet wary, and Amy was careful trying not to move but her hand that was shaking uncontrollably. The horse seemed to sense that Amy was feeling weak, and decided the young woman was not going to hurt her.
"Who am I?"
"What do I have to give?"
"How can I heal my wounds?"
The whispers echoed inside Amy's head.
And when she looked into the mare's eyes, everything started to illuminate. Normally, Amy would have considered it crazy how the answers slowly poured into her, but now it made sense after all she had been through. It was hard to explain, but this horse knew her somehow and she knew the horse.
When the first rays of sunlight began to pierce the fog, the horse turned around and began to walk away. Amy watched as the mare slowly disappeared into the fog, leaving her feeling a peace and serenity from her encounter.
It was time to go back.
