AN: Jasper's take on things.
Chap fifty-two: My Mistakes.
Jasper, August, 2011…
Sue ripped into me for the way I was acting, but it hardly made a difference to me. Everything she said sounded distorted. I felt like I was underwater. I tried to make sense of it but I couldn't.
I understood. Really I did, but I didn't need any help. I could fix this on my own. When I was through, I would apologize to Bella for the way I had been acting. She would understand it was for her own good. She didn't know what plagued me at nights. She didn't need to know about my struggles. It would be too much for her. I could do this on my own. I didn't want to hurt her or our baby.
Our baby.
I know how everyone saw me. I knew I was being an ass and missing out on everything. What hurts the most was I couldn't even get to talk to my child. I loved talking to my little girl.
I believed Bella. It was my little girl in there, safe and sound, inside of her mommy, and I had to protect them from James.
I know I was obsessing. Emmett said so. Carlisle said so. They had force me to take time off from work until I got it together. It irritated the fuck out of me that they thought I wasn't competent enough to juggle my own life, but they weren't listening. They said I needed it.
The only reason I agreed, was so I could focus more on James. I have devoted my time to dealing with Jenks every day. I stayed on his back. I hardly slept or ate. I would do those later. I would rest when James was out of mine, Bella's and our baby's lives for good. I know I could just have him killed. I have the money and resources to do it, but I didn't want to go to that extreme measure. Bella would blame herself for my actions and I didn't want her carrying around that guilt.
Yet, it didn't stop me from thinking about the possibility. I had to stop James. Stop him before the nightmares of him and Ricky hurting Bella come true. I was hallucinating sometimes. I know Ricky wasn't alive. I had killed him. But I saw him every time I close my eyes. He was haunting me. He was always there, in my dreams with James, and they would hurt Bella.
The look in her dying eyes would haunt me even when I was awake. I couldn't look at Bella for long in waking hours because I would be reminded of the dreams.
Other nights, it would be Ricky and me. He would have me back at the cabin, tied up while he prepared to capture my mother when she came for me. I wouldn't be a child this time. I would a grown man, but still beaten and weakened from his torture. He would remind me with lashes and hard blows that I was a worthless son of a bitch who was going to enjoy killing. I would be told again and again that I didn't deserve the air I breathed because I wasn't his child. I was the son of the man who my mother was whoring herself out for.
Sometimes, James would be there too, laughing in the background at me.
They were there, every night. Every time I closed my eyes, they were ready to torment me.
I never told a soul. Momma suspected something. She thought it had to do with my past. I have seen the inquisitive looks she'd been giving me. She has tried to confront me about it, but I wouldn't listen. Instead I snapped at her, driving her away. Rose stood up to me in Momma's defense, but I snapped at her too. Emmett was there. I vaguely remember him looking at me like he was ready to murder me on the spot for screaming at his wife but Rose stopped him from attacking me. I saw Bella and I almost froze. She looked so sad and disappointed in me.
I walked away, swearing to myself, that I will fix everything later.
My evasiveness didn't stop my friends from trying to get through to me. Peter called constantly, and when I finally thought I had gotten rid of him, Edward came down to Henderson. He wanted me to drop everything and focus on Bella before I lost her. I told him he was talking crap and he said he wasn't. Bella had been in touch with Tanya and my cousin was planning a slow and tortuous death for me because I was hurting her friend.
I didn't understand them. I wasn't hurting Bella. I stayed away to keep her safe. I avoided her because I didn't want to snap at her anymore than I already I have. A part of me wanted to blame her and I refused to. Bella was as much a victim as I was. There was nothing to blame her for. Edward really tried to get through to me. I didn't get rid of him until I threatened within an inch of his life to leave my office after he tried to call Esme in front of me.
He cursed me for being stupid and left before Bella returned from wherever Sam took her. He hardly spoke to me. Everyone avoided me. Except Sue, and Bella, who stayed in the house with me despite how much I was going out of my way to stay out of hers. I missed her. I missed talking to her, making love to her, seeing her smile at me or laugh at my jokes. I miss her in the kitchen, filling the air with the sweet aroma of her creations. She was going to be a fantastic caterer.
I walked into the house in disbelief. My throat hurt but I wasn't paying it any mind. Sam's grip had been strong as he held me against the stable doors, threatening me. He wanted me to know that if I ever dared to threat Bella in any way, he'd rip my fucking head off. By the time he was through with me, they wouldn't be able to identify the body.
Was he right though? Had I been so stupid? Had I threatened Bella? I felt like he was talking about someone else. I loved Bella. I loved her more than I had ever loved in my life. With her, I finally felt like I could have what my parents, true love.
When I saw her on the couch, fast asleep, I nearly wept. I had been so stupid. I had made her feel threatened. I went over to her because I was so drawn to her. I sat on the center table and watched her sleep. She looked peaceful while she slept. I smiled at every breath she took. As I sat there, I remembered the shy girl that Sue brought over here to work after my mother took a chance and helped her. We never found her car or those thugs and I doubt what I would do to them if we ever did. I remembered Bella's expressive eyes as she took everything. I remembered how great it felt to have her eyes on me every time we were in the same room. I remembered how hard it was to try and convince myself not to fall for her. I remembered how happy I was that I failed. I remembered the first time I kissed her. I remembered the first time I slept with her. I remembered the feeling of completion. I remembered how I didn't want to let it go and as I sat there, I realized how desperately I had to stop this and fix everything. If I didn't, this incredible woman would walk out of my life and leave me for good.
While I sat there, I noticed movement under her shirt. It was small and I almost missed it, but I waited and it happened again. My god! It was my daughter. She moved!
I smiled and gently placed a hand on Bella's stomach. That was my baby. I felt her little kick against my hand and I choke back a sob. "I'm so sorry," I whispered to them before running a hand through Bella's hair, kissing her forehead and then I got up and left before I burst out in tears. I didn't want to wake her or have her see me like this. I walked vowing to fix things. For Bella and our future together. I was tired of doing this on my own. I had to be honest with her. She should know what has been happening to me. She will understand.
Another day passed and I couldn't talk to her. Jenks said there was nothing suspicious going on with James. I didn't believe it. James was up to something.
Peter stormed into my office and went off on me. He shouted about everything I had been doing and how I was hurting the ones I loved. He threatened to convince Bella to come and stay with him in Houston and I lost it. We shouted at each other and threw things.
No, I couldn't let Bella leave without understanding. I had to talk to her. And I will, in the morning. I laid on the couch that night, thinking of my approach before deciding to wait until she came downstairs tomorrow morning then I would sit her down and explain myself after apologizing for being a dumb ass.
The dream was so real. I could still hear Bella's screams as they tormented her. I fell off the couch and the light was switched on. Bella stood there, shocked and furious. I tried to say something profound but in a minute, she was in front of me, screaming at me. She wanted to know what I had done to myself. I know how haggard I looked. It was why I avoided mirrors.
She was sad. I didn't want her sad. She said she would leave and I snapped. I didn't mean to be mean to her, but she wouldn't back down from the leaving idea and I lost it. However, Bella wasn't standing for it. She shouted at me and then turned and left. She came back down in one of my jackets and her boots and nightgown. She stormed off toward the kitchen and I ran behind her. She was leaving and I had to stop her. I reached out and grabbed her arm but she wasn't having it. I didn't anticipate her strength or fury when she shoved me off and I fell flat on my ass. She then told me I should never put my hand on her like that again.
She stormed out and I got up and followed her outside as she headed over to the main house. I tried calling out to her, but she didn't look back; didn't acknowledge me. I blamed myself as I followed; this was my fault.
My mistake.
How could I have been so blind? I had the best thing in my life, and now, I might lose her.
Bella pounded on the entryway doors to the kitchen until my mother opened them for her and Bella practically collapsed in her arms in tears. My mother's angry eyes looked to me for answers, but I had nothing but shame in mine. I'd hurt them all so much.
My heart bled as Bella cried and babbled on about leaving and going to live in Forks with Charlie. Everything in me screamed at her not to. I wanted to remind her that I was here. To tell her how sorry I was. But I couldn't move or speak.
Char, Sue and Peter looked like they wanted to kill me. Sue suggested Bella go upstairs with them to try and get some rest. I would stay outside her door or downstairs if I had to, but I wasn't leaving. I had to apologize to Bella.
They were about to help Bella up, when it happened. It was like watching a horror movie unfold before me. Bella let out a horrific scream, gripped her belly and went down on her knees. She lay on the floor, curled up into a ball, crying out in pain.
Something in me snapped. It was as if everything became clear. Bella and the baby were in danger and it pushed me into action. I swiftly went over to her, picking her up from the floor. Momma protested my action, in protection of Bella, but I wasn't listening. I had to help her. Peter grabbed the keys to one of the trucks off the hook, and followed me outside. He helped load Bella in the back with me and jumped in the driver's seat. We sped off the ranch with her gripping me and crying in pain. I apologized when she realized it was me.
By the time we got to the hospital, Bella thought the pain had subsided enough for her to walk, when suddenly, she couldn't move. "Bella, let me carry you," I pleaded. She was about to answer me when she doubled over in pain. I lifted her up and headed toward the emergency doors.
She passed out as I walked through them.
Carlisle was at the front desk and when his eyes met mine, they held shock and disbelief as I shouted at him, "Help me!" He rushed over with a nurse, screaming for a gurney. Everyone jumped into action. Two more nurses came over with a gurney and Bella was placed on it.
"What happened?!" Carlisle shouted, making me jump as I stared down at my life, lying there, motionless. "What happened?!" he screamed again.
"He happened!" Peter seethed and cut his eyes after me when I looked at him. Carlisle shook his head and scoffed at me in-between barking orders as they rushed with Bella to a trauma room. Peter and I followed.
We walked into the trauma room while they assessed Bella. Carlisle checked her BP and tried to wake her while they hooked her up to all the necessary machines. I didn't know what to do. I was a doctor. I should be able to jump into action as I always have when it came to patients, but I didn't know what to do. This was my life, lying there, motionless, not responding to Carlisle's calls for her to open her eyes for him. Her pulse was strong and there was a heartbeat for the baby. Carlisle screamed at a nurse to go and call Zafrina, she was on shift at the hospital. She ran out and Carlisle turned his attention to me with fury in his eyes as he seethed, "What happened?!"
I looked down at Bella as I answered stoically, "She was under a lot of stress and she complained of pain and then she fainted outside."
Zafrina stormed through the doors of the trauma room. She quickly moved to Bella's side, assessing her while Carlisle relayed what happened to her. When he stopped talking, Zafrina glared at me and then she ran me and Peter out of the room. She looked at me like I was scum.
At first, I refused to move, but Peter wasn't having it. He grabbed my arm and hauled me out of the room while I protested about not wanting to leave Bella. "Get off of me!"
Peter slammed me into the opposite wall when we got outside the room and got in my face. "You're not gonna stay in there and fuck things up for Bella!"
"I'm not leaving her!" I screamed in his face and shoved me off. I moved around him and he grabbed my arm and dragged me back, pushing me up against the wall and knocking the wind out of me. "I'll stop you if I have to," Peter threatened. "I'm not going to stand here and let you get in the doctors' way. If you don't shut the fuck up and let them save her and the baby, I'll fuck you up."
He backed off and we took opposing corners, watching each other; waiting for the other person to make a move.
I was going crazy. I wanted to be in there. I know I caused this, but I didn't want to be out here with Peter. Sometimes, I would make a move toward the doors, but Peter would block them, looking ready to kill me if I touched them.
They have been in there too long. What was going on with Bella and the baby? What was it? Different possibilities were swirling around in my head and I didn't like any of them. I prayed it was nothing I was thinking of.
Carlisle came out once and was about to say something to Peter and me when one of the machines, hooked up to Bella, went off and I screamed at him in distress, "Get back in there!" I knew that one. It was monitoring the baby's heartbeat. I was killing my child.
I fell to my knees. What have I done? I drew my knees up to my chest and sobbed in my lap. What have I done?
There were so many voices around me, but none of them mattered. I wanted to hear Bella's. Hers was the only voice I needed to hear right now. They have to be okay.
It could've been minutes, or hours, I didn't know. I didn't care. I just sat on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest and my face buried in them. I shut the world out. All I needed was in trauma room two because I was a stupid fool.
"Dr. Whitlock?" Zafrina's voice held an edge to it.
I looked up to find her standing over me. My family and friends were here, looking on expectantly. "Yes?" I croaked. I couldn't find my voice. I was too worried about she came out here to say.
"Would you please come with me?" Zafrina said. "I need to speak with you." She turned to the family and said, "I understand your concern for Bella. I would like to say that she is okay, but I'm not certain as yet." There was a collective gasp from everyone. "We're doing what we can. She's stabilized and we will be monitoring her and the baby."
"Will they be okay?" Momma asked desperately. "Can you fix this? What happened?"
Everyone, including me, looked to Zafrina for answers as Carlisle stepped out of the room. He didn't even look at me. He nodded to Zafrina and she beckoned me to follow her while Carlisle stayed behind to answer Momma's questions. I trailed behind Zafrina into trauma room three. It was thankfully deserted. She sat on the edge of the gurney and ran a hand over her face. She then rubbed her temple and when she finally met my eyes, she sighed and shook her head at me. "What the hell happened, Jasper?"
"I…" I couldn't find my voice. I didn't know what to say. "I…" I tried again and then shut up and held my head down in shame.
"If you needed help, why didn't you say so?" I looked up and she continued, "Carlisle filled me in. You could've come to me if you felt it would stress Bella out. I'm your friend," she pleaded. "How could you do this to Bella and yourself? What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Zafr…" I started but she cut me off.
"Don't bullshit me, Doctor!" she spat. "You should've known better. Things were going so well. This type of trauma I would expect from something to do with her ex, but not you. Why, Jasper? If it's every day stress, if it's your PTSD, I understand, but you are a doctor. A fucking doctor, Jasper! You should've known what this would do to Bella. You did a rotation in OB/GYN, you understand the dangers and you stood by and watched her enter them?!"
"I didn't know," I pleaded.
Zafrina scoffed. "Didn't know, my ass. You're an idiot, you know that? I'm so fucking pissed at you. I want to kick your ass so bad!" She rolled her eyes at me. And a tear fell from mine. I quickly wiped it away while turning my back to Zafrina as more tears fell.
I felt her hand on my shoulder and then she came around to face me and pulled me into a hug, letting me cry on her shoulder, while she told me it would be okay. I begged her to help them. She gave me a moment and then we discussed Bella's condition. It was pretty much what I had feared.
"It's Preeclampsia, probably brought on by the stress on her body and her elevated blood pressure," Zafrina said. "It's tricky with each woman as you know. For Bella, right now, as much as I hate it, it's a good thing for her to rest. I would love for her to wake up, but she's stabilized and resting peacefully. I don't want to cause any more problems, but you put me in a sticky position, Jasper. Her BP is nowhere where I want it. I don't like that. If this continues, I will be forced to induce labor. As you know the baby will be premature, and at seven months, the child's lungs will be underdeveloped."
I nodded while internally screaming at myself for being so foolish. "I know."
"Now I can't perform the C-Section if her blood pressure stays elevated, but all in all, I'm hoping for a better result, so maybe, we can avoid early labor and keep her on bed rest, light activity, and no fucking stress, so we can finish this pregnancy on a good note. Do you think you can handle that?"
"Yes," I said wholeheartedly. "I'll do anything to avoid losing either one of them."
"Then clean up your act and don't ever do something like this again. Open your damn mouth and ask for help! Nothing else matters," Zafrina said. "Bella and the baby matter. You have to pull it together. She has had enough with James and his crap. She shouldn't have to worry about you too. Her body can't take it."
Zafrina left me to think. She was right. Bella needed me to be levelheaded and not losing it over James.
I walked out of trauma three with a determination to make things up to Bella, if she would let me. I pray she would open her eyes soon. I wanted to look into those deep brown, expressive, soul baring eyes and see if she could forgive me or if she still loved me.
Everyone looked at me like I was shit, or maybe that was just Peter and Sam. I didn't say anything to any of them. I didn't want to fight. Carlisle stepped out of the trauma room and told me to go in. I apologized to him and he shook his head and said to fix things and not let it get this far again. I would heed his warning.
Zafrina was standing over a sleeping Bella, checking her chart. "I hate the sleeping thing," she commented, putting the chart down and moving toward me. She looked at me in warning as she passed, "Don't upset her or I'll have you kicked out," she threatened and left the room.
I slowly walked over to Bella. The machines beeped and I watched the readings on her's and the baby's heart rate. Her BP was still elevated. She mumbled my name and I snapped my head to her, thinking she was awake, but she was only dreaming. I picked up her chart and read it. Zafrina had prescribed s mild blood pressure medication for her and listed the administrations. I hope it worked.
I pulled a stool over and sat down beside Bella. Gently, I picked up her hand, holding it in mine. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I don't know what came over me. I guess I thought I was handling things. I couldn't see reason, Bella. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I could fix everything all of a sudden. And when someone tried to talk some sense into me, it felt like I was underwater as they tried to get through to me." Listening to myself to talk made me feel ashamed. Even my so called explanation sounded shitty. I was such a fool. "Bella, I thought if I avoided you, it would give me enough time to make things right and then we could go back to being happy. Baby, what I said to you that night…I didn't mean it. I was wrong. I shouldn't have thrown that in your face. You were right when you said you don't need anybody reprimanding you. I hate myself for using it against you or for suggesting that you were used to it. I was out of line."
I continued to talk to Bella until I couldn't keep my eyes open and I fell asleep with my head beside our joined hands.
For the first time in weeks, I dreamt nothing.
A hand was running my hair. It was gentle as it ran through the curls. It tucked a few strands behind my ear and then continued to run through the top. It came down to my face and touched my nose while the person sighed. The machines around us beeped and the person mumbled something about my hair needing to be washed. I wanted to laugh but I didn't want them to stop. It felt comforting as the hand ran down to my cheek and then the person sighed again. I knew it was Bella. I knew her touch because it comforted me. I internally thanked God that she was awake, but made no move to indicate I had woken up.
Now, I was more aware, I heard Zafrina speaking to Bella about what happened and her condition. She told Bella about her staying in the hospital until her blood pressure was down and Zafrina felt comfortable enough with it to release her. I didn't move. I stayed still and listen to Zafrina and Bella talk until Zafrina left the room and Bella's hand moved away. "I know you're awake, Jasper." Her voice had an edge to it and I swallowed hard as I opened my eyes. This was it. "Look at me," she said.
I sat up and Bella's hand fell back to the bed. We looked at each other, long and hard. Her gaze was penetrating. So many emotions danced across her features, I could barely keep up. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry."
She didn't answer. She continued to look at me so I went on, "Earlier, while you were still sleeping, I spoke to you. I told you how sorry I was. I wanted you to know I didn't mean to avoid you. I didn't mean what I said to you that night. I was too dumb to ask for help. It got to be too much and I should've said something." She still didn't say anything, so I droned on, "I'm sorry for reprimanding you, for making you feel like crap, for avoiding you and the baby. Sometimes, I didn't. I kissed your forehead while you slept downstairs one time, I snuck upstairs sometimes in the days and listen to you read to the baby. I miss her so much, Bella," Tears formed in her eyes. "I believe you. I believe it's a girl. I want you both in my life. It would kill me if you left. I swear to God, I would follow you. Anywhere you went, I'd go. Baby, I'm so sorry."
She wiped her eyes and sighed. "All of this isn't solely your fault. I should've been wiser. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't abandon you. I knew something was wrong. I know you needed me whether you could admit to yourself or not," she resigned. "Jasper, please, I don't know what the future holds. I'm scared enough for right now. To know that my baby could arrive prematurely because we didn't have our heads screwed on straight, kills me. We were both too stubborn, baby. I want you to know, though…I won't go it again. If this happens to you again, I will leave right away. I won't stand for the treatment or the stress you put me under."
"Are you…are you still leaving?" I asked, fearing the answer.
"You said you'd stalk me."
"I wouldn't," I said softly. "I'd give you your space. I promise. It would kill me, but I'm determined to do right by you and our child."
Bella smiled and my heart leaped. "Then do me a favor," she said.
"Anything," I rushed out.
"Get home, clean yourself up and come back here looking like the guy I love. Pack me some goodies. My books, some snacks, you probably know what to choose to match Zafrina's rules, and something to sleep in. I hate hospital gowns."
I nodded. "I know you hate them, but you sort of need to stay in it for now," I told her and she rolled her eyes at me, making me laugh. It felt good to laugh.
"It's good to hear you laugh," Bella said and I couldn't help it. I moved over to her and pulled her into a kiss. She laughed when I pulled away. When she sighed and ran a hand down my cheek, saying, "See? I missed him. I missed my Jasper." I kissed her again and left her room on a high.
I walked into my family outside. I wanted to be apprehensive when I saw them frowning at me, but I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Rose sneered.
"Bella still loves me," I said. "I'm not forgiven but she still loves me. I have to go home. She wants me to clean myself up and grab a few things for her and get back her. I think I'll grab a change of clothes for myself. I'm not leaving until she's released." I was speaking more to myself than Rose and everyone else, but when I acknowledged them, their faces registered shock.
"What the hell happened in there?" Peter asked accusingly. "We've all been saying this shit to you, and Bella says it and its fucking gospel after you put her in the hospital?"
His words stung. "I know what I did, and I'm sorry for doing it. But I won't let this chance pass me by. Bella isn't pushing me away."
"Then go and do what she wants," my sister said with a small smile. "Zafrina said we can see her after you. Get her things and get back here, okay?" She hugged me and I hugged her tight, whispering how sorry I was for insulting her when I did. Rose didn't say anything. She just ran me out of the hospital after Peter gave me the keys to the truck. He said Sue had already gone back at the ranch. That was good. I would need her help. I left the hospital with a smile on my face.
When I arrived home, there was a cleaning crew in my house. Momma was waiting on the porch. She looked ready to head back to the hospital but she was waiting for me. "Jasper, when you get back to the hospital, I need to speak with you privately, okay?"
"Yes." She didn't say anything else. She just kissed my cheek and walked off with her arms wrapped around herself. She looked so sad. I shook away the sadness I felt due to what I had caused, and promised myself that this was just another thing to fix. I would repair what I had broken.
I jumped in and out of the shower in no time. I had practically sprinted upstairs and ran into our bedroom, opening drawers and pulling a few of Bella's things. I didn't know what to pack for her so I left it and went to shower.
When I walked out of the bathroom with my towel around my waist, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Sue standing there, packing the bag for Bella. "I threw in change of clothes for you too. I know you won't want to leave Bella, 'cause if you did, I would put you in the hospital." I nodded and didn't answer as I grabbed my clothes and went to put them in the bathroom. When I came back out, Sue was closing the drawers. I closed my eyes briefly then opened them to apologize to the woman who has been there for me all these years. Sue had seen me at my worst and I had never refused to stand by me. "I'm sorry, Sue."
"You should be," she turned to me and said. "If you had hurt Bella or the baby for this, I wouldn't have forgiven, Jasper. Bella is the best thing I have ever seen happen to you and to watch you almost ruin everything, killed me. You were so vicious! What's wrong with you?!" Her voice rose as she stared at me in anger. "Bella loves you so much. She wanted to stand by you. She didn't want to abandon you. I know that's why she stayed."
"I know," I said softly.
"Do you?!"
"Yes," I met her eyes and said. "And I apologized."
"You do damn well know you're gonna have to do more than apologize when it comes to Bella," she said harshly.
"I know."
She sighed and I met her eyes to see her staring at me. "You're a wonderful man. Whatever happened to you, to cause this to this day, it shouldn't have happened. But I believe in you, Jasper. I know you will now find a way to balance everything. You're about to become a father. Someone else will be depending on you. Don't let this child down."
"I won't, Sue."
She nodded and smiled. "Now what snacks are we sneaking into the hospital?"
Sue rode with me to the hospital. Bella was all smiles when we got to the maternity ward and walked into her room. A nurse had informed me when we arrived downstairs that my girlfriend had been moved.
Sam was sitting on the edge of her bed when we got to her room. He frowned at me and Emily reprimanded him for it. He ignored her and cut his eyes at me as he walked by after telling Bella he'd be outside.
I deserved it. I knew how Sam was. He could be a difficult guy. You couldn't simply apologize to him, he won't believe it. To him, I had betrayed Bella's delicate trust in me by trying to do things on my own. Sam was a good friend and he was right about whatever he thought of me. I should've asked for help.
"Did you get you everything?" Bella asked me after she and Sue hugged. Sue started unpacking our breakfast. When did she do all this? There was so much.
"Yes," I said, smiling at Bella. She was glowing. She looked so beautiful.
"What?" she asked while smiling at me. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of her delicate smile.
"Nothing."
She accepted my answer with a nod. Sue and I sat with her while she ate. Sue forced me to eat something. Stating I needed the strength to be here for Bella. Sue had a sandwich.
Bella explained how everyone had gone home to both change and come back, or to take care of business. She said Peter will be dealing the James situation because she asked him to. I needed a break. We will be informed, but all actions regarding James or anyone else, will be dealt with by Peter. She said it was the only way to keep him from ripping me to bits.
"Got it," I said.
"Are you disappointed?" Bella asked. I was looking at the reading on the monitor. Her BP wasn't too bad.
Sue shot me a hard look. But I wasn't disappointed and told Bella as much. "No, I'm not disappointed, baby."
She nodded with a small smile. We cleared away the plates, Sue packing everything up and saying she had to go if she wanted to get lunch started. I told her Zafrina will probably want Bella to have the food at the hospital and she shot me a dirty look making Bella stifle a laugh. After Sue left, Bella asked, "What exactly did James say to you?"
I was shocked she'd ask me. I didn't want to talk about this now. It would upset her. "Stop it," she said. "I can see right through you. Just tell me. I don't need a detailed explanation. Just sum up what he said and I'll explain what he meant."
"But I know what he meant," I told her.
"Yet you let it hurt you until you relapsed," she countered.
"Bella, he wants to hurt you."
"That call wasn't about hurting me," she said. "It was about making you doubting yourself. James is deluded, Jasper. It's the best way I can explain it. He doesn't see anybody else's truth but his own. He wanted to hurt you. Not me."
"I never thought about it like that."
Bella scoffed and sighed. All the readings were good. She and the baby were stable. "No, you didn't. You should've come to me, calmly, and I would've explained. There is nothing else to fear beside him getting to us, and even then, we're not going to let him win, are we?"
"No," I said confidently.
"Then, let's focus on us, please."
"Okay." I smiled.
Zafrina came to check on Bella while we spoke. She liked what she saw and said an ultrasound will be done later today. She was heading home, but Dr. Bailey will be taking care of Bella in her absence and if there were any changes, she will come right back. If none, then we'll see her in the evening. At that time, she and Dr. Packer, the radiologist, will do the ultrasound.
"Bella, I need you to get some rest, okay?" Zafrina said, eyeing me.
"Jasper isn't doing anything," Bella said in my defense. "I'll rest better with him here, and if anything happens, he'll call you."
"I know he will," Zafrina said with a chuckle. "Good day."
We bid her goodbye and I told Bella to get some rest. She asked me to read to her.
It was a really good book and I found myself relaxing as I read the next page. Bella was asleep and I wasn't far from it. I was exhausted. So I marked my page and put the book down. I leaned back in the recliner and closed my eyes.
Someone was nudging me. I opened my eyes, thinking it was Bella. When I looked at her bed, she was sound asleep and her readings were steady. Dr. Bailey was writing down his findings and Momma was standing over me.
"Hey," I said quietly, sitting up.
"Hi," she said softly. "Umm…do you think we could talk now?"
I wonder what was so urgent. I remember her asking to speak with me when I got to the hospital but I'm sure Momma understood how much I didn't want to leave Bella.
"Umm…" I started, trying to get out of it so I could stay with Bella.
"Please, Jasper…I don't want to make this wait. I really want to talk to you," she pleaded. My mother was worrying me. She looked so…defeated.
"Alright," I drawled, getting up to follow her out. Rose walked into the room, saying she will sit with Bella until I got back.
I followed Momma up to Carlisle's office. He met us outside and asked how I was.
"I'm fine," I said honestly.
"That's good. Listen, I didn't mean to…"
"Don't worry about it," I told him. "I deserved it."
Momma and I walked into Carlisle's office to see Esme sitting there. I wasn't into this right now. I wanted to be with Bella. I would set up appointments with Esme later. Bella was all that mattered to me right now.
"What's going on here?"
"I wanted to do this before things went any further," Momma said shakily. "I didn't want to go another day without letting you find your freedom."
"Momma, have you been having sessions with Esme? What kind of freedom are you talking about?"
"Your mother sees this as long overdue, Jasper," Esme explained.
"See's what as long overdue?"
"Where the truth belongs," Esme said cryptically.
"What does that mean?" I wasn't in the mood for this. "Listen, we can do this later. I want to be with Bella."
"No! We do it now!" my mother demanded. "I told your father. I told him," she said, tearing up. "I told him I knew something bad would happen. I told him you needed to get it out. To place the blame where it belonged. I swear if I had lost…" She took a moment and went on, "When you came back, when we got you back…after Ricky…" I tensed at the name. "We knew things wouldn't be the same."
"I don't want to talk about this. I worked this out."
Momma shook her head. "No, baby, you truly didn't. That's why this happened."
"I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had a relapse!" I was getting pissed. "I don't want to talk about that bastard!"
"You need to!" Momma shouted back at me. "And you need to admit to me and yourself that you hated me. That you blame me. Jasper, I need to hear you say it. I need you to let it go. I need you to stop protecting me. I see it. I know sometimes when you look at me, it's like you hate me, and it's okay. I've known for years. I told John that it was okay for you to hate me. I understand. I caused it. I brought that bastard into your life. Sometimes, I told him it would've been better if you belonged to someone else, if he had fallen for someone else. A better mother than me. A woman who didn't come with baggage."
"Why are you doing this now?" I hissed at her. She was right. A side of me did blame her. I always had. Ricky had beaten it into me enough to believe that I should hate her because he wouldn't have gotten into my life if wasn't for her. "I'm not going through enough. You do this now?!"
"Yes," she sobbed. "Because you need…"
"Freedom," I said sarcastically. "Alright, you want to hear it. Yes, Mother. I blamed you. I hated you. When you thought it was me rebelling as a teen or fucking around in college because of drugs. I took the drugs to stay awake because when I slept without being high, I saw Ricky, taunting and tormenting me. I couldn't stand it."
The flood gates were open and I couldn't stop the raging fury pouring out of me.
"Ricky beat it into me. He told me I didn't deserve life or love because I didn't belong to him. He said no one would ever love me. He told me what he wanted to do to Rose when he got his hands on her. He said she would like it because she was the daughter of a slut. He said you were Dad's whore. He told me all the ways he planned to torture and kill us. But mostly, he beat my hatred for you into me. Is that what you wanted to know?" I sneered at her. "Sometimes, I couldn't stand the sight of you. Sometimes, I was tempted to hurt you the way he hurt me. But you know what happened?"
"What?" she sobbed.
"I realized through your love for me, through my dad and sister's love, through Esme and Sue's care, through Sam's friendship and protectiveness of me and from him treating me like a little brother, that Ricky wasn't right. I was struggling these past weeks. I lost sight of that love. But Bella…she showed me the way by not leaving me. She stood by me even though she had to unwillingly sacrifice her health. Is that what you want to know?"
I didn't wait around for her reply. I stormed out of the office and went back to Bella. When I stepped into her room, she took one look at me and asked my sister and Emmett to leave despite their protests.
"Come here," Bella said gently. "Please, baby, come to me."
I was sobbing by the time I collapsed by her bedside. "God, what happened?"
"I…" I tried. "I…"
"It's okay. Don't talk. Just let it go. I'm here."
"Do you love me?" I sobbed.
"More than anything, Jasper," she said. "Don't you see? That's why I couldn't leave. While I was mad at you and I had a right to be, I couldn't abandon you. I love you so much. Baby, what happened?"
I rocked my head back and forth. I couldn't answer. Not yet. I only had enough strength to cry. "I can't…"
"Okay. Come on," she said, moving over a little in her bed. I climbed up, curling myself into her side. She hugged me to her, letting me cry while telling me how much she loved me.
As I listened to her words, to her devotion, it cemented how wrong Ricky was. I didn't deserve to be haunted and unhappy. I deserved to be loved because I existed for Bella. A woman who loved me despite my mistakes.
