Chapter XXXXVIII

You can't come home

Happy fucked up. He'd lost control. Again. He'd lost control and he'd fucked it all up. He'd let his brothers down, his aunt, his cousin. All the people that were counting on him. He'd let his family down because of her, because he'd let his shit with Jo with his head so badly and he'd lost it. She'd made him lose control.

He'd always had that, control over his actions. Until her, he had always been the one in control. That's why people trusted him, that's why he was the Tacoma killer. He operated with precision, detail. He took out emotions from action. He wasn't impulsive, he didn't do messy. Guys like Jax, Tig reacted on instinct. Guys like him, they planned, they chose their opportunity, they didn't fuck up.

Preparation and method. That was his thing. But not anymore, not since Jo. Since he'd been with her, he'd lost control too many times. He'd found himself constantly toeing the line and now he'd completely obliterated it.

When he'd left Jo at the ranch, after she all but told him she wanted out, Happy had been blind with rage. All the resentment, pain and anger that had been building up inside him had ignited and his blood was fucking boiling.

He'd let himself gorge in it until he got lost in it. Now he was fucked.

That shit had to end. He was starting to lose his brother's respect, he knew it. And after losing his kids and losing her, it all he had left before he lost his fucking mind.

~oOo~

By the time, Happy hit charming, he hadn't calmed any. He'd driven straight from the ranch, not giving a shit about the speed limit, hoping the road would clear his mind like it always did. But it hadn't. The voices in his head were getting louder and louder and he was having trouble seeing straight. As he slowed down towards the clubhouse, he realised for the first time of his life he didn't want to be there. Not tonight. He didn't want to see that that look in their face. The pity he saw in their eyes made his skin want to crawl. They pitied him. Him! They thought he was weak. He knew they did. And it was all because of her.

So he turned around and sped away. He needed to drink himself into oblivion and bury himself knee deep in pussy. Anything to erase her image from his fucking brain. She didn't want him to wait? She wanted out? Well, she was out. He was done being kicked around like some defenceless puppy. That was not who he was.

He'd gone all the way to see her, to try and make her see her place was with him. He'd wanted to convince her to come home with him to let him help her and that fucking bitch had the audacity to tell him that he didn't give a shit about their loss. Him. He'd bled for those children, he'd cried as they were being laid down to the ground, he'd hurt same way she fucking did.

Fuck, she'd really turned him inside out. He'd given her everything and she'd just thrown it all back into his face. He'd been making excuses for her for three months, giving her time to deal with the grief but no more. He didn't have more time to give. He was done. He'd been right when he'd told Kozik that the Jo they'd known was gone. All that was left…well he wasn't fucking sure who that was but he was done waiting for her to figure it out and come back to him.

Afte riding aimelessly for a while, he'd found himself in Stockton and realised he was only a couple of blocks from Diosa. He rode there, parked his bike out front and walked in. Lyla was at the bar talking to a client. She saw him right away and frowned before excusing herself from the man.

"Hey Hap. You looking for Jax and the guys?"

He tried to ignore the look she was giving him. Fuck, even the old ladies were looking at him like he was some fucking puppy in need of a pat or something. "Nah, just need a bottle of jack. For now."

Without giving her another look, he went to sit on the couch. He looked over at the sad fuckers around the room, still wearing their fucking suit and ties looking for some company before they went back to their cosy little lives and joined the wives that wouln't fuck them. Fuck, he'd wanted her to be his wife. He'd wanted her to be his completely. He'd given into her a hundred percent and she'd fucked him up real good. She'd messed with his head so badly it felt like his brain was about to implode in his head.

Thankfully, one of Lyla's girls, he thought her name was Bree came over the bottle of jack in his hand. " Hey Hap. Need a glass with that?"

He shook his head and she set the bottle on the table. As she tried to leave, he caugt her arm in a bruising grip."Where you going?"

he saw her glance at Lyla behind the bar and she smiled at him. "I got a customer now sugar but I can be back with you soon."

"Do that."

As she left, he grabbed the bottle from the table and opened it, drinking until he could no longer handle the burn in his throat. Shit that felt good. The voices in his head were already starting to quiet down. That's all he could hear lately, the voices in his head that told him he'd brought it on himself. He'd let his guard down. She'd hounded him weaseling her way into his life and he'd let her do it. And now he was just a sad old fuck. He brought the bottle to his lips and took another long gulp. He noticed he'd drunk nearly half the bottle. It didn't matter. They'd keep them coming. He lit a cigarette and laid his head back on the couch letting the alcohol course through his body. By the time he'd finished the bottle, he was starting to feel good but no one had come to join him yet.

He went to stand to go ask Lyla what the fuck the hold up was when the doors opened and Tig and Quinn walked in. That fucking gash. She'd called them he knew that. Fucking born bitch.

"Hey brother. What's going on man? We been waiting for you at the clubhouse."

"Wasn't feelin it."

just like that the voices in his head started again and they were louder than ever like someone had suddenly turned up the volume. He could see the girls glancing their ways, fuck he swore they were laughing at him getting all bent out of shape over some pussy. Except she wasn't pussy. She was his old lady. She'd fucking saved him. She'd brought him back to life and then she'd taken him to place he never thought could hurt this much.

He stood his feet suddenly unsteady and pushed past his brothers. He needed to stop thinking bout her, he needed to erase that fce from his brain. He headed towards the bar and grabbed the first girl he saw. He herd a loud gasp but he didn't give a shit.

He felt a hand on his shoulder pulling him backwards and Tig came between him and the girl.

"Hey Hap man. What the fuck are you doing?"

"Get out of my way Tig."

"Come on man. Fuck's going on with you? Did something happen with Jo? Is that why…"

He didn't hear anything else after that. Tig probbly didn't sy anything becuse Happy punched him stright in the jaw sending him to the floor

"What the fuck man?"

Happy was encensed now. One punch and he felt something unleash in him. "Come on Tiggy! Get up!"

Tig got to his feet, his fists already clenching, but Quinn got between them his head spinning from one to the other. "Wow, wow. You guys need to work shit out, you do it in the ring. Not here brothers. Not here."

Happy looked round him and he saw all eyes were on them. On him. " Fuck this shit."

Shaking Quinn's hold on him, he turned on his heels and headed for the door. He heard them call behind him but he didn't bother responding.

~oOo~

Happy didn't remember much of what happened after that. His head had been too full of voices, his mind clouded by too much booze and rage. He didn't remember but he knew. Because they'd told him when they'd charged him.

He'd been fuelled with resentment and anger and gotten onto his bike. He wasn't sure where he'd been heading but as he was riding some asshole had cut him off. Happy had chased after him and when the man had stopped at a red light, Happy had gotten off his biked and yanked the guy out of his fancy and beaten the living shit out of him, finally finding an outlet for the fury inside him. In the middle of the fucking street, twenty people watching. The cops had already been cuffing him by the time Tig and Quinn had caught up with him. So yes, Happy had fucked up. Big time.

As the cop removed his cuffs, letting him finally go after three days in lock up, Happy knew it wouldn't be long before he felt the coldness of those cuffs on his wrists again.

He was out on bail, Lowen had had to fight to Assistant DA teeth and nail to get him out, but he was out. For a few weeks at least until the trial. Unless Lowen managed to get him a deal, which wasn't an easy feat since the DA had him by the fucking balls. Twenty people had seen him beat a man senseless for no apparent reason. He'd been way over the drinking limit and he had been carrying. With his record, it was an automatic felony charge and he could be looking at seven years. Seven fucking years. So yes he was well and truly fucked.

The cop led him through a maze of corridors and finally opened the door. Happy spotted Jax and Lowen talking and headed their way. Jax wrapped him into a brotherly hug.

"Good to see you on the other side brother."

"You too."

Happy turned to Lowen and nodded her way. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet. This DA is an asshole with a hard on for you. He was reaching in there and the judge saw through it but he's got time to adjust before the trial."

"Can you get a deal?"

"That's exactly what I am trying to do. I'm meeting with him in 10 minutes. It's not going to be easy."

"That's why we pay you for." Jax chimed in, angry eyes on her.

She gave him a hard look but didn't respond. " I'll see what he has to offer and let you know. Try and stay out of trouble until then."

She walked away her heels clicketing on the marble le floor of the courthouse and Jax slammed his hand on Happy's shoulder. "Come on, bro."

Happy let his president lead him outside and they were all there. Chibs, Bobby, Quinn, Juice, Rat, West, Montez, Parker and Tig. He had his sunglasses on but Happy could see the bruises the punch he'd inflicted on him three days before. They all came to hig him in succession and Happy didn't see the pity in their eyes. All he saw was thr same brotherly love he had for them all. They'd all hugged him all except Tig. He came towards Happy though and as he braced himself for Tig's retribution, Tig spread out his rms with a smile. " You're a fucking asshole, you know that?"

Tig grabbed his neck and kissed his cheek, whispering in his ear. "I love you brother."

When he let him go, he gave him a playful slap though." But no more proxying our fights shit. From now on it's you and me in the ring asshole."

He felt himself laugh a little and Jax flashed him a smile. "Let's go home, boys." And at that moment, he felt he was indeed going home. For now.

Something had happened to Happy during his time in lock up. A reset of some sorts. He'd messed up, stepped over the line and tipped over the edge. He'd crashed hard and those three days sitting in a jail cell, he'd known this was his rock bottom. It had to be his rock bottom. He'd let his club down, he'd let his family down. Now was time to be a man, handle his shit and move on.

They reached the clubhouse parking in their usual order as Gemma came out of the office walking towrds them. She hugged him and patted his back." It's good to have you home killer."

"Thanks mum."

her hands still on his arms, she took a step back. "You holding up okay?"

"I'm good."

Happy saw her cast a worried glance at Jax and she faced him again, pursing his lips. "What now?"

"Samson called. He tried to reach you."

His senses were immediately on alert. "Something happen to Jo?"

Gemma cleared her throat. "No. Her aunt. She's in the hospital. It's bad Hap."

And the shit just kept piling on. He heard Jax let out a weary sight next to him. He'd probably thought the same thing." The fuck happened?"

"She's dying Hap. Her cancer." she simply stated.

Jax ran his hand over his beard. "Jesus Christ. I thought she was in remission."

"She lied. she didn't want Jo to know."

Happy hadn't let his eyes off of Gemma though and he knew he could read something else in her eyes. "But you did."

He didn't need her to come outright and say it. The look in her eyes was enough.

"Fucking hell mum." Jax hissed next to him.

Gemma ignored her son's cuss and kept her eyes trained on Happy. "She made me promise not to say anything. Shit you guys were going through at thetime, it wouldn't have done anyone any good anyway. You can give me shit about it later Jackson. " she spat at her son before turning back to Happy. "Jo is with her."

Jo was in Oregon. He'd left her in Sacramento not four days ago. He had no idea what had happened in the last few days.

"I guess Samson called her too. I'm sorry Hap" Gemma offered trying to answer the questions in his mind.

Jax slammed his hand on Happy's shoulder as he glared at his mother. "Come on bro. Boys are waiting for us. You and I are not done with this conversation Mum."

As he led Happy away from Gemma, he turned to him an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry about my mum bro."

His mind was spinning again and he couldn't let it. He shook his head chasing away any thought that wasn't a practical one. "Let's just get to Church."

~oOo~

They barely had the time to sit at their respective seats that Tig straightened up. "So what did Lowen have to say?"

Jax looked at Happy letting him now he had the floor. "I take this to trial, with my record? I'm fucked. Lowen is trying to negotiate a deal."

Bobby's eyes narrowed on him. "How long?"

"Four years."

Several voices resonated through the chapel. "What?!"

Tig was shaking his head. "No man, no way. You take your chances at trial. In the meantime we lean on the witnesses. And all of them."

Happy loved his brother dearly but he didn't seem to get what kind of shitstorm Happy had unleashed on himself. He cackled." And then what? They got the whole thing on fucking video Tig. Either way I'm fucked. At least this way I keep this shit away from the club, no fall out. I do my time and I'm out in a few years."

Tig was still not admitting defeat. "There's gotta be another play man."

"It's the only play brother. We all know it. This is my fuck up man. I'm sorry I brought this shit on the club. I'm sorry I let you guys down. This shit is all on me."

Chibs spoke for the first time, voice full of emotion. "You didn't let us down brutha. We let you down."

The table fell silent at that. Happy didn't understand that. They hadn't let him down.

From his seat down the table, Quinn nodded. "Chib's right. We didn't have your back. Shit that happened, it's on all of us."

Hap felt his love for his brothers swell inside of him. They were trying to take blame for this. "I ain't laying any of it at your feet brothers. And so we're clear, none of it is on Jo either. There ain't any blame to look for here but mine. Shit that happened with her, the babies. I let myself lose focus, let myself forget who I fucking was. I remember now. I remember clearly. I'll do this brothers. My atonement for this club."

He looked at each and every one of his brothers and then his eyes fell on Parker who had been taring absently at the floor since they'd started.

"Where's your head at Prospect?"

Parker looked up, suddenly remembering he wasn't alone in the room. "It just-this sucks brother."

Happy let out a small laugh. "Yeah kid, it sucks."

"This table ain't gonna be the same without you sitting on it."

Again, they sat in silence for a long time before Jax spoke again, breaking the tension in the room.

"Let's keep this one short brothers. My heart isn't in it, I'm sure none of yours is either."

He struck the gavel and one by one his brothers stood, each patting his shoulder as they came out of the room until Jax and him were the only ones left in it.

"Things I said, I mean it brother. I'm sorry I let you down. Four years is a fucking long time bro. We both know I might be in there a lot longer than that. I never wanted to be an officer. This seat I only took it because it was you. You need a new SAA brother."

Jax immediately knew where he was going with that and shook his head. "Nah man. This seat it's yours. It's gonna be yours as long as I'm at the gavel."

"All due respect Jax, you got to put all the history you got with Tig to the side and think." Happy retorted with more anger that he'd intended. "He ain't Clay's guy anymore and he hasn't been in a long time. He is your guy. You know you need him by your side. He's the man betwen you and that bullet. I'm gonna go inside i need to know someone's got your back. He will."

He could see in his president's eyes that he'd gotten through to him. He was right and they both knew it. "Shit man. Shit!"

"One more thing Pres. I gotta go to Oregon."

Jax took it in, his poker face on. "You know that if you get pinched out of state line, that deal Lowen is negotiating is dead. So is your bail."

Happy nodded, he understood the risks. "I need to see her before I go in man. Sort some shit out."

Jax took a deep breath. "I know brother. But you've got to be smart about this Hap. Don't go sorting shit out the way you've been lately. You're taking the van. Don't want to riding there. Too visible. And I want Tig and Quinn with you."

"Yeah okay. Last thing. I gotta know she's good with you Boss."

Jax frowned and stared at him questioningly.

"This ain't on her. I need to know you understand that."

He was sure Jax would. He didn't want any of them to place any blame on what had happened on Jo. Regardless of the shit between the two of them, he still needed to make sure that when push came to shove, they were good with her.

"Hap. She's your old lady. Makes her family until you say she isn't. No one here's gonna take this to her. We've got your back. Outside and inside."

He stood and opened up his arms. Chocking back tears, Happy stood to hug his president. "I know pres. I know."

~oOo~

The drive to Oregon took them about five hours. Longer than usual but they'd been careful to stay within the speed limit and attract as little attention on themselves as they could so the sky was already dark by the time they parked in Roseburg small community hospital. He'd called Samson to let him know they were en route so they knew to head to the third floor.

As soon as they got there, Samson spotted them and he immediately got his feet, hugging Happy in a brotherly fashion before nodding in Quinn and Tig's direction.

"Jesus Man."

"I know bro." Samson sighed.

"You look like shit."

This drew a smile from the big man. "Yeah?" The smile disappeared and he shook his head. "Been in here with them four days straight. I just went to checkin' in on Ginny. She hasn't really been herself lately but she kept saying she was fine. I thought it was just everything going on with Jo. I found her passed out on her kitchen floor man. I had no idea man."

The woman had not told anyone, choosing to bear the weight of her illness to herself. It was either brave or very selfish. Happy didn't know which one right now.

Quinn spoke and Happy was reminded that his brothers were with them."How is she now?"

"She's hanging in there. In and out. Mostly out. Doc says she hasn't got long."

"Shit." that came from Tig. It summed up the situation pretty well.

Happy met Sam eyes and asked a silent question. The man understood right away. "She's with her now."

"How is she holding up?"

"I have no idea man. She hasn't said much. I don't know bro it's like she's the same old jo and then she isn't.

Happy wasn't sure what to make of that. But before he could dwell on it any further Samson spoke again. "It's good that you're here bro. Wasn't sure you'd come."

He hadn't been sure either. He still wasn't sure it was the right thing for him, but he knew he needed to do it. " She know I'm coming?"

He didn't need to specify which she he was referring to. "Wasn't sure I should tell her. Ginny goes though. She's the one who asked to call you."

Before Happy could say another word, a door opened further down the corridor and he saw Jo coming out. She looked tired, haggard, her shoulder slumping under a weight too heavy to carry. She looked beautiful though. She always looked beautiful to him.

She didn't see him at first. She headed to the nurse's station, exchanging a few words with one of the nurses before thanking them with a smile. As she turned to return to the room, she spotted him though. She froze instantly, her eyes locking on his. He was about to go to her but she didn't give him the chance. She quickly closed the distance between them and came right into his arms.

Christ, that felt good. He'd almost forgotten how good she felt in his arms. She held onto him with all she had and for a short span of time, the rest of the world faded away and it was just the two of them, holding onto each other.

Finally, she seemed to remember where they were and she backed away her eyes darting behind him. He watched as she smiled faintly at Quinn and Tig behind him.

"Hey guys."

"Doing okay little lady?"

She tried a reassuring smile. Happy could tell it was taking a lot for her and it didn't reach her eyes. "I'm okay, thanks Quinn." She reverted her attention back to Happy and squeezed his hand. "She's gonna be happy to see you.

"We'll be downstairs brother."

Jo pulled the hand she had squeezed and led him down the corridor. When they got to the door, she stopped and turned to him. "She's-She's Ginny." She finally opened the door and Happy knew what she'd been trying to say.

Ginny was laying on the bed, machines monitoring her hooked either side of the bed. She had an oxygen smile to help her breathe and he spotted a very familiar pump in her hand. Morphine for the pain. She looked a lot like his own mother had in her last days. Daunt, pale, her skin paperthin. She'd lost a lot of weight and she looked like a fragile porcelain doll in her bed. But the grace she always carried herself with was still there and Happy felt a pang of sadness he hadn't been expecting. When she saw them, she smiled and it radiated through her all the way to her eyes. She removed the mask from her face so she could speak.

"Well, that is a sight for sore eyes. I was hoping you'd stop by."

"You should really keep that on, Aunt Ginny."

"I'm find sweetheart. Now would you be a dear and fetch me some fresh water please. My mouth is very dry."

Jo looked hesitant and he knew she didn't want to leave her aunt's side for too long.

"Don't worry Jo. Happy can keep me company."

Jo finally nodded. " Yeah okay. I'll be right back."

Jo left and Ginny met his eyes with a smile. " She's worried I'm gonna drop dead any minute."

"Are you?"

She had a small laugh. "Soon. But not yet. Certainly not here. I want to die in my own home. She won't hear it though. Come on, have a seat."

There was an armchair beside and her bed and Happy did as he was told.

"So are you mad at me too?"

He had been pissed. Happy hated lies. He hated secrets. He had never believed that some things are better left unsaid. Jo should have known the truth. No matter how hurtful it was to her. But then even an old asshole like him wasn't going to lay into a dying woman. "You should have told her."

"Maybe. Then maybe not. I had my reasons. It doesn't really matter now anyway. You know what's privilege comes with dying Happy? Hindsight. I got a lot of time now to reflect on the choices I've made in my life and I owe you an apology. Bringing Grayson back into Jo's life, at the time I thought it was coming from love. But you were right, it was more than that. I thought I was dying and I was scared for my daughter so I made a decision that came from fear. It was selfish and it was wrong of me. I'm really sorry for that. You have to know that."

"I'm not the one who needs that apology."

"I love that girl more than anything and she loves you so that makes us family Happy. My choices hurt her and they ended up hurting you too. for that I am very sorry."

He nodded accepting the apology she was trying to give him.

She suddenly looked wary and her eyes seemed to lose focus. He watched her press the button on the morphine pump and he understood she was in pain.

He straightened in the chair and placed a hand on the bed. "You okay?"

She patted his hand with a smile. "I'm fine 's another truth you need to hear. The day I left Charming, I told you I trusted you to right whatever wrong Grayson did to Jo. Well, I'm gonna hold you to that." She paused as if searching for her words. When she spoke though, he heard the tremor in her voice and knew she was trying to keep her emotions in check. "Jo not being able to have children? You have to know that it was Grayson's decision."

he frowned, suddenly not liking the turn this conversation was taking. "You told me there were complications."

"There were. The doctors wanted to perform a second surgery right away to repair the damage. It carried some risk for her life yes but I know Jo and I knew that's what she would have wanted. I told Grayson so. He refused to let her have the surgery. he argued it was for own sake but I think you and I both know why he did that."

The pit of anger in Happy's stomach was once again threatening to open but he swallowed hard and gripped the handles of the chair. "And you hid it from me?"

"I did." she replied calmly

"Why?"

"Because you would have killed him right there and then and you would have ended up in prison or worse. Jo had already lost too much, she wouldn't have been able to handle losing you too."

Unable to sit any longer, Happy stood shaking his head. "You pushed her right into his fucking arms."

"I know. I'm sorry Happy. I underestimated the lengths at which Grayson would go to get what he wanted."

"You told me to let her go."

She let out a tired sight."Jo had made a decision. I don't need to tell you what happens when you try to change Jo's mind on something she's decided. She needed to realise what and who he was on her own, Happy. "

"You're saying she knows?"

"I think she does now. She hasn't said anything but I think she does."

Happy wasn't sure what else to say. The last few minutes had sent him spinning and he was growing wary of being blindsided at every turn. He knew Ginny had only had good intentions but in the end he couldn't help but feel that her intentions as noble as they might have been had led them down a very messy road. Then he remembered Grayson's promise to him. The man had promised that he'd take Jo away from him by any means necessary. He had succeeded.

The door opened and Jo appeared, a jug of water in her hand. "Hey, everything okay?"

"Yes sweetheart, everything is fine."

Jo poured her a glass of water and Ginny took a sip before setting the glass down on her bedside. "Happy, I think you should take Jo home, let her get some rest."

Jo reacted right away shaking her head vehemently."No, I'm not leaving you."

"You've been hear for 4 days. You haven't slept and you haven't showered. You need both. And you need to eat too."

"Ginny..."

"Jo, I told you I have no intentions of dying in this hospital. I want to be home in my garden, surrounded by my cats so you don't have to worry about me kicking the bucket tonight. Go home."

Jo was obviously not happy at being dismissed by her aunt but she looked like she was gonna fall from exhaustion at any minute so Happy touched her arm."She's right."

"I'll be fine sweetheart. Samson can stay with me."

Jo weighted in all out and finally nodded "Okay. But you call me if anything."

"Of course."

~oOo~

The boys had decided to head to Rogue River for the night and taken the van so they drove back to Ginny's in Samson's truck. They didn't talk in the car, Jo just watching out the window, avoiding his look. She looked different than she'd had at the ranch. He wouldn't have been able to put his finger on it but she seemed less guarded, more...Jo.

The drive to Ginny's house only took fifteen minutes, he parked in the driveway and they got off the car. As he made his way to the house, he realised Jo wasn't following. She just stood glued to her spot, staring at the house.

"Jo?"

She tore her eyes off the house and looked at him for the first time since they'd left the hospital as if she was just now remembering his presence. She didn't hold his eyes though and shifted her eyes to the ground. "Sorry. I...when Samson called I went straight to the hospital so I haven't been back here. I actually can't remember the last time I was here."

He didn't say anything and after a beat, she fished the keys from her pocket and headed for the door. She unlocked it and slowly made her way inside. He followed her in, as she dropped the keys on a side table. They silently made their way to the kitchen area. He had been inside this house a few times but Ginny had always been there. The woman's presence was palpable around them and it made Happy feel like an intruder. The cats were nowhere to be seen, but he figured they'd been taken care of.

"Samson found here. She was unconscious on the floor. If he hadn't come when he did..."

Happy heard the tremor in her voice and saw her holding her hands in an effort to stop them from shaking.

"You should head to the shower Jo. I'll sort something to eat."

She turned him with a tired smile. "I'm not really hungry."

"When was the last time you actually something?"

She opened her mouth to protest but just let out a sigh instead. "Yeah okay."

He watched her walk out and took the kitchen in. It was spotless. He opened the fridge and saw it was full, Someone had taken the time to clear out the house and stock up. He wasn't exactly a cook so just grabbed some eggs and bacon figuring it would do. As he cooked he let himself think about Ginny's confession. He wasn't sure how he felt about it. Or more to the point, he did. he was pissed. He was pissed at Ginny for not being upfront, for letting Jo's father back into her life. He was pissed at Jo for pushing him away, for choosing Grayson over him, he was pissed himself for screwing up, for letting his guard down, for letting other people in between him and his old lady.

When he'd inked her, he'd told her that nothing could get between him and her. But it had and they'd both let it happen. He was tired. He was tired of being pissed all the time. It didn't serve any purpose. He'd let his anger own him time and time again and it had to stop. The blame, the resentment, the anger, all it had done was lead him straight to prison.

He knew what he had to do. He had to let it all go. If he went inside with that rage in the pit of his stomach he was never coming out. He had too many people counting on him for that to happen. He needed to get his head screwed on right. He had to come out and the only way he would was to leave it all behind.

By the time the food was ready, Jo still hadn't come back down and Happy went to get her. He found her in her old bedroom, the one she'd lived in from the day she'd moved in with Ginny. She didn't hear him come in. She wasn't moving. She just stood at her dresser, wearing only a towel. Her hair was wet and she was holding a brush in her hand. Her ink was in full view and Happy felt a pain he'd become all to familiar with wrap around his heart and squeeze hard.

"Can we not talk? Not-not yet?"

She'd become aware of his presence but she was still not turning. He closed the distance separating them but didn't touch her. Shit, he wanted to touch her so much. When he'd held her at the hospital, feeling her body against his for the first time in months, he hadn't thought he'd be able to let her go. He hadn't, in the end she had. So he just remained immobile behind her.

She finally set the brush she'd been holding onto the dresser and turned to him, her blue eyes meeting his. Since she'd woken up in that hospital bed, she'd been so closed off to him, so guarded. But now he could read it all in her eyes, the pain, the loss, the sadness, the sting of betrayal, the regret. It was all laid down right in front of him. He cupped her cheek in his hand and felt a jolt go through his body when she closed her eyes, basking into the sensation of his touch. He brought her to him and wrapped her into his embrace, crushing her against his body. He kissed her hair and left his lips there as she nestled her head in his neck. Fuck, she felt so good in his arms.

"I need you Happy. I need you so damn much."

Happy had never needed anything in his life. He'd wanted, he'd gotten, but he'd never needed. Not until her. She'd unleashed something in him and Happy had found himself needing more and more until his primal need for her had taken over his life. He'd needed her to save him, he'd needed to have her, he'd needed to love her. He'd been starving for her. When she'd left him, she'd left with all that need and it had eaten at him piece by piece until all that was left was the rage. A rage that had blinded him and taken him to a place he'd never known. His need for her had undone him. He knew that.

But as she asked for him, voicing her need for him, he felt that surge in him again. He'd just wanted to comfort her, be there for her but as her hands moved under his tee shirt, her nails digging into the skin of his back, her lips trailing on his neck, he found himself giving over to his need.

He grabbed her neck, forcing her head up and brought his mouth down on her hard. She responded in kind her hands living his back to grab his neck, pushing him further into her mouth as their tongue fought together. She pushed herself closer to him and his cock was digging in her belly. Her naked belly he realised. At some point the towel she'd had wrapped around her had fallen and she was naked in his arms.

He pushed her back until she hit the dresser and at once her hands were between them, opening his jeans and pushing them down as she freed him and took him into her hand and fuck it felt so fucking good to have her touch him he thought he was going to explode right then in her hand.

She paused though, her hand still on him, caressing him maddeningly slow.

"Jo..." he heard himself groan.

"It-I might feel different Hap."

She hadn't been looking at him when she'd said that.

"Jo, look at me."

A she darted timid eyes on him, he put his hand over hers, both of them holding his hardness, their fingers interlacing as they did. She spread her legs further apart and he pushed inside her as she cried out.

Hap slammed into her again, each thrust taking him deeper and deeper inside her. She took his mouth hungrily pushing her tongue in, biting at his lip. She did feel different. Not physically, she still felt as good as she always felt. But there was a new hunger in her, in the way she moaned her pleasure, in the way her hips surged to meet his thrust, in the way her hands held onto his neck. A hunger for him, for a connection with him that he fed with his own need for her. This wasn't about loving, it was about coming together, saying everything they should have said to each other but letting their bodies do the talking. It was unhealthy, but he didn't give a shit. Right now, all he wanted was to bask in the intensity of the moment.

She came quickly and when she did she screamed like she never had before, her climax hitting her hard as she clanged onto him biting into his neck hard sending him over the edge to his own release. It came over him at once and he couldn't keep their position any longer. He dropped to his knees taking her with him to the floor.

They remained still after that, sitting on the floor, his cock still inside her. Her head nestled into his neck, he head the quickening of her breath her hands bunched his tee-shirt into a fist as she let out a muffle cry. She tried to hold it in but she lost that fight. Holding onto him for dear life, she wailed, her chest rising with each sob, letting out incoherent words as she did.

There was nothing he could say at that instant to comfort her. She was finally letting it all out. She had opened the gates and it was flooding her at once. So he just held onto her as hard as he could. It was a moment before he realised that tears were flowing down his own cheeks. He was crying, he was fucking crying over everything they'd been, everything they'd lost understanding the impact of this moment and what would come next.

~oOo~

Happy opened his eyes and it took him a few minutes to realise where he was. He glanced to his side and she was there, sleeping on her stomach next to him, her hair forming a messy halo around her face, his ink on her neck taunting him. They'd cried together on the floor until they were worn out. Once she had quieted down he had wanted to say something, say what he needed to say to her but he hadn't been able to bring himself to. Instead, he'd just taken her to bed and he'd loved her. Because he did. He loved her and he would never love another woman after her, he knew that. But love don't mean shit if you don't have trust, and that he didn't think they still had. He didn't think he had it anyway. He had given her his trust before he'd loved her. Now he loved her but he wasn't sure he trusted her. And he knew he didn't trust himself with her.

Everything that had happened in the last few months had landed them in a place from which Happy wasn't sure there was a way out. Not now anyway. Not with him heading inside for a long stretch. He knew what he needed to do and that knowledge hurt like a bitch.

She was right there. He'd seen it with his own eyes. Flashes of the Jo he'd known, the Jo he'd loved-the Jo he loved. She was right there under the surface he knew it. But he couldn't save her. She had saved him but in the end he had failed her.

Careful not to wake her, he rose to his feet. He washed up and got dressed quickly. She was still sleeping. He knew she'd been standing vigil with Ginny for days and she needed the rest.

He made his way downstairs and as he walked into the kitchen, he saw the table was still set, the food he had cooked for her on the stove. They'd never left the bed, their bodies melting together for hours before they passed out.

He threw the food in the bin and put the pan into the sink before filling the coffee machine and putting on a pot. When he was done, he busied himself preparing some breakfast for her. He'd be leaving this morning and she had to get back to her aunt. He wanted to make sure she didn't get back to that hospital on an empty stomach.

"This is all very familiar."

He turned around and once again, he was left breathless by how beautiful she looked to him. She'd showered and changed into clean clothes. A checked shirt and some worn out jeans. He'd never seen her in this and he guessed it was old clothes she'd left at Ginny's. Her hair was plaited into a fish braid to the side of her head and he had to hold a smile. He'd never known what a fucking fish braid was before her. But he loved it on her. When she put it to the side this way, her neck was free and his ink was out for everyone to see. He had loved the feeling it gave him. Now he wasn't sure how to feel.

She was referring to their first night together. He had cooked them breakfast that morning too. That day had been the beginning of them. Today would be the end. It had to be.

Without answering, he filled up their plates and poured coffee in two cups on the table before sitting. She sat facing him and they ate in silence for a while. She ate half her plate before she pushed it away, bringing the cup of coffee to her lips, sipping the dark liquid quietly.

"You holding up okay?"

She looked up surprised to hear him break the silence. She let out a long sigh and put her cup down, her fingers trailing absently around the rim. "It's weird. Ever since I woke up at the hospital, I've been looking for something...anything to help me get out of that hole I seemed to be in. When Samson called me, told me I needed to come home. I thought the hole was gonna swallow me whole. But it hasn't. I'm out of the hole and I'm seeing things more clearly that I have in months. Losing Ginny, having to live in a world where she doesn't exist... don't know how I'm gonna handle that but I know I'll figure it out. I'm not sure what it is but I know. So no, I'm a long way from okay but I'll get there."

Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. "Hap, I'm so sorry for…all of it. The things I did, the things I said, you have every right to hate me right now."

Happy set his cup back on the table with a sigh of his own. "Don't know about you, but I'm getting really tired of hearing that word thrown around. It doesn't even sound like a fucking word anymore. I don't hate you Jo, but you and I, it's a pretty big wreckage.

"I know. But you need to know…when Samson called me, I was on my way home…to you."

"Jo-"

She stood at once, moving around the table to come kneel beside him. "No Hap, just let me finish. While I was away, I was looking for a way to fix me, fix whatever was wrong with me. I felt broken and I just…I was trying to get whole. But it never was about how I felt for you. That was never in question."

he wrapped his hands on her arms, bringing her back up and he stood facing her. "I know."

She closed her eyes, chasing her tears away and bit her lip. "I'm still not there Hap. I'm not whole. But I'm trying to be. And when Gin-when this is over, I still want that Hap. I still want to come home to you."

His heart went to his throat. His voice even raspier than usual he managed to answer. "You can't."

"Please don't say that Hap."

She tried to touch his face but he grabbed her hand and led it back down. "Jo, you can't come home because there ain't gonna be a home to come to."

She frowned and darted a questioning look to him. "What are you talking about?"

"I fucked up. I lost my shit and almost killed a guy, got picked up on the scene. Felony assault."

She covered a cry with her hands and closed her eyes shut. He waited a moment before he spoke again. "I'm going inside Jo. Hard time."

Sniffling, she open her eyes again. "How long?"

"Took a plea. Four years. Maybe parole in two years."

"I'm so- " She stopped herself, letting out another sight. "Well I was gonna say I'm sorry but I guess you don't really want to hear that."

"Shit that went down, I ain't laying it on you Jo. It's my fuck up. But I gotta get my head straight before I go inside. I can't be the guy I need to be inside if take that shit with me."

She poured over him, trying to read between the lines. "What are you saying?"

"Guess I'm saying the same thing you said to me. I ain't expecting you to wait. And you shouldn't."

She bowed her head down as her fingers went to her mouth again. "I didn't mean any of that Hap. I'm not out. I've never been out."

Fuck, this was harder than he'd ever thought it would be. "I got to be. I can't take you with me Jo, I can't have you around or I ain't ever getting out of there."

This time she didn't try to stop it. She let out a sob and tears were now flowing down her tears.

he took a step forward, brushing her face with his knuckle. "I ain't saying this shit to hurt you. Fuck' last thing I want is to hurt you, especially now."

She gasped "I know."

"It's got to end Jo. Can't keep trying to fix shit that can't be fixed."

he gave her a moment to compose herself as she wiped the tears from her face. "When do you go in?"

"Not sure. Club lawyer is working out the details with the DA. Soon though. I 've got to head home, see my aunt and cousin."

"Yeah no,you should."

He went to his seat and took his cut, shrugging it over his shoulder."And you gotta bring Ginny home Jo. It's what she wants."

She didn't answer. Just a nod.

"I put the house up for my bail. Once I go in, Gemma is gonna put it up for sale. You can tell her what you want and she'll put the rest in storage."

Again no words. Just a nod. She seemed frozen, her face expressionless. He went to her then, cupping her face in his hands. "Jo. Joanie."

She shook her head, eyes closed and when he cupped her face in his hands, resting his forehead on hers, she grabbed his shirt, her hands clenching into fists as she pulled on the fabric.

"Don't call me that. Doc. I've always been Doc with you."

He kissed her forehead softly. "Doc."

"I love you Happy."

It took him a while to find his voice. "I love you too Doc."

With one last kiss on her forehead, he left not stopping when he heard her break down in tears behind him.

~oOo~

"Hey. Hey! You do realise it's Sunday afternoon and people are trying to get some rest before they go back to work tomorrow."

Happy glowered at his cousin and then went right back to what he was doing. Which right now was fixing the porch of his aunts house. After he'd left Oregon, he'd stopped by Charming for a few days to settle things down with Lowen and the DA and handle his affairs. After that, he'd headed down to Bakersfield to spend some time with his family. He had intended to tell them right away but he had been there four days and had yet to find the words. he knew his aunt would take his going inside hard."Nobody in this fucking neighbourhood can hold a job, Mari."

"Well I do, and I want the peace and quiet. Besides you're a terrible handyman when your mind's not it. Pretty sure the shelves you put on last month are crooked."

Mari had been on him since he'd arrived. She knew he was hiding something. She knew himpretty well after all and she had kept at him. "Ain't in the mood to joke Mari."

"Yeah, because you're usually a laughing riot."

He brought the hammer down a few times and heard her yell again next to him. "Alright, alright enough! I can't handle this shit anymore Happy. You've been driving everyone in this house crazy for the past fours days so please just stop."

Annoyed he pointed the hammer towards her. "Hey, I'm fixing this shit because your kid can't seem to fucking be a man and take care of it."

A hand on her hip, she smirked."My kid is busy going to school and studying and he ain't studying to be a handyman. Now put the hammer before I drive it down your throat."

Letting out a deep slong sigh, Happy threw the hammer down and fished his cigarettes from his pocket, lighting one as Mari sat on the steps next to him.

"You gonna tell me what crawled up your ass or am I supposed to take wild guesses?"

He glared at her but she just smiled. "I have all day Hap. All day with nothing better to do than bug the shit out of you. Either way works fine with me."

He took a long drag and sat next to her as she took the cigarette from his hand and brought it to her own lips. He let her. "I'm going inside day after tomorrow."

"Jesus Christ, Happy." she let out in a sigh.

"You'll be taken care of. I'm putting my house up for sale, I'll make sure you get my share of it."

She shook her head, her eyes flashing with anger. "You stupid pendejo. You think that's what I care about? Fuck Happy, we're family. I don't give a shit about the money. We'll get by like we always do!"

She handed the cigarette back to him, blowing the smoke from her nose. "How long you gonna be in for this time?"

"Four years."

"Happy… shit. This is going to break my mums heart."

He heard the disappointment in her voice, the hurt. He was so tired of letting people down. His family counted on him and now he was leaving then in the wind. "I know."

Mari didn't speak for a moment processing it all and she suddenly jerked her head to him. "Does Jo know? I mean, have you even spoken to her?"

Jo. He'd done his very best not to think about her the last few days. That hadn't been enough. She was always there. Always in his mind. He hadn't told his family much about what had happened. All they knew was that Jo had been shot and that she'd been recuperating at her old man's ranch. "She's in Roseburg. Her aunt is… she's dying. Cancer."

"Like your mum."

It wasn't a question. But he replied anyway. "Yeah. And it doesn't concern her anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"The fuck do you think I mean?" He spat annoyed at her insistence to get into his head. "It's over. That shit never should have started in the first place. Day I left Norwood. It should have been the end. Bringing her in, giving her my ink, it was a bad idea."

She smiled like she didn't believe him. "I know you don't mean that."

He took a last drag from his cigarette and threw if to the floor. "I ain't going to be one of those sad fuckers who spend all week waitin' for their old lady to show up at visitations wondering if this week is gonna be the week she ain't. "

"She wouldn't do that."

"That's worse Mari. She shouldn't have to visit me in prison. That ain't her life. It ain't supposed to be her life."

"And it's supposed to be yours?"

He was a Son. An outlaw. it was the life he'd chosen over twenty years ago. He'd never regretted it. Still didn't. It was his fuck up that had lead him where he was. "It's the life I chose."

"So did she!" Mari exclaimed before sniggered softly. " You know, when you first brought her here…I thought she was just some white little rich girl getting an adrenaline rush slumming it with the bad boy."

Happy turned a crooked smile to his cousin. He'd known that. "I thought you said you liked her."

"I lied." She replied pointedly with a smile of her own. "But I realised I was wrong. The way she looked at you. Shit, i couldn't understand it. You're a criminal Hap. You did a lot of bad shit to a lot of people. Some deserved it but some didn't. I don't think you're a bad guy but you're not a good one either. But Jo, she saw past all the bad shit you were and saw the good in you. She loved you despite all the bad shit. She chose you. You didn't force anything on her Hap. She chose you. And somehow that made you decent. Because she made us see what she was seeing and that guy? He was a man I was proud to have in my family."

As she said the words, Happy recognised the truth in them. He'd always loved his cousin, his blood family, but they'd never understood who he was. They'd never truly known him. They'd loved each other but there was no connection other than blood. But since Jo, he'd been closer to them than ever before like they finally saw him for who he was. He'd had some realisations of his own too. He'd always treated them like a burden he had to carry. But they weren't. They were his responsability but not a burden. "Lot of shit went down you don't know aboUt, Mari."

"Maybe. But here's what I do know. You love her. You told me you wanted to marry her. Shit, i helped you pick a ring. This place you ended up in, I can't understand it Hap and I guess in some ways I get why you think you have to let her go. But that love you got for her? It doesn't make you weak Hap. It's just the opposite. It makes you the strongest asshole I know. I hope you don't forget that inside."

She put her arm around his shoulder and kissed his cheek softly surprising him. Mari wasn't one for emotions. They'd been raised in the same house after all.

"Now are you going to tell mum and should I?"

~oOo~

He hadn't been back since the funeral. He felt like shit about it but he hadn't been able to bring himself to come. His aunt and cousin hadn't said anything about it. They knew why he couldn't. Now he wouldn't be able to for a long while.

As he approached, he spotted some freshly cut flowers on the grave. Probably from his aunt. She was here every Thursday come what may. Now she just brought more flowers.

He sat on the floor, his eyes glued to the tombstone. When Jo had asked him to bury their children, he'd had no idea what he should do. She had been in no state to tell him, refusing to even mention it and he'd had no clue what she would have wanted. But he hadn't wanted his children to be buried alone. He wasn't sure he believed in life after death and all that shit, but if there was something out there, he hadn't wanted them to be alone in it. So he'd asked Gemma to organise for them to be buried here with his mother. That way they'd always have someone close by to watch over them. Sounded fucking stupid even to him but it made him feel better to know they were here.

On either side of his mother's grave, he'd had their names and birth date engraved. Underneath each was an anchor. It had felt right. That's what she'd always been to him, his anchor. She'd made him stand still in a life of fucking chaos. She'd brought him peace. Someone to come home to; someone to lose too. Then they'd become the chaos and they'd lost each other in it.

She didn't even know where they were buried. She hadn't wanted to hear any of it at the hospital and then everything had gone to shit so he'd never found the right time. He probably should have told her. She should know. But when he'd seen her in Roseburg, solid, fighting but still fragile, he hadn't been able to bring it up. She'd surprised him. She'd been so fucking different when he'd visited her at the ranch, so completely lost to him, barely a shadow of the woman she'd been. Finding out that Ginny was dying and that she'd lied to her about it, he had expected her to be...different. She was devastated no question, but there had been something different in her. She'd seemed…at peace. Like the demons she'd been fighting had finally been vainquished.

He was doing the right thing letting her go. All the shit that went down between them, the place they'd ended up in, they couldn't get back from that. Not if he was heading inside for four years. The thought that someday some fucker might come into her life, share the things he'd shared with her, take his place in her bed, shit, the thought alone was sending his mind spinning. But he'd have to learn with that. He knew he could have asked to wait for him. She would have been right there waiting for him the day he got out. But he couldn't. He wasn't scared of doing time. He'd done it many times before. But having her wait for him outside, he'd have too much to lose and that was too dangerous for him. That was what had led him where he was after all. He'd go fucking crazy inside and do something stupid that would either get him more time or worse. He needed to break clean, but fuck if walking away from her just as he felt her coming back to him wasn't the hardest fucking thing he'd ever done.

She wasn't the only one he needed to leave behind. Those babies. The silent agony he'd felt for those two tiny beings he'd laid down to the ground a few months ago, he couldn't take that inside with him either. They'd taken a piece of him with them and that would be enough. That would have to be enough. Yeah, he was doing the right thing.

He scouted over the grave and grazed his son and daughter's embossed names with his fingers. Letting his grief overcome him, he wept for his children until he didn't have any tears left. He brought his fingers to his mouth kissing them before laying it over the grave and walked away.


Another long chapter for you folks! I hope you enjoyed it.

I can not tell you how stupidly excited to know there's one chapter left to post on this story and then the epilogue. It's been an epic ride for me and I hope it's been good for you too. I know you're probably wondering how I'm gonna wrap it all in one chapter but I promise you you'll like it! No loose ends!

The fun part when you start a story is no matter how you plan your moves, characters, the story and your own mind takes you into a hundred different places and there's been a lot of that in this story. Most of it is in line with my original idea but a lot has come as and when as I was writin to and I'm going to miss this story even though I'll be relieved to complete it!

A few of you have asked me what's next and there will be a lot of info on this in the epilogue so I hope you'll all chime in and tell me what you think.

Please do review and let me know what you thought of the chapter. I know I haven't been as good with my replies as usual but I will respond to each and every one of you before I finish the story.

I'll end this author note with a quote from Veronica Mars (if you haven't watched it you should) which I always loved and I think it's very fitting to this story.

"I thought our story was Epic you and me."

"Epic?"

"Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC. "

"(...)Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"

"No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."