Chapter 41

Shock waves

Disclaimer: I don't own GG
Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.
Warning: THIS chapter may be really triggering.

1.

'So, where to? Do you want us to go in? Or maybe go in the garden, if you can use some air?'

'You said your parents are outside with guests?' the worry in her eyes was big. In the small time, they had become friends, Tristan had seen her sad, and upset and crying. And he had learned some pretty big things about her. But yet, her state right now confused him. She looked detached and closed herself, and he couldn't figure out why she called him at all.

'Different outside. Tennis at the country club. We have the garden all to ourselves.'

'I don't know if I can walk much.'

'There is a gazebo, it's not far. But we can go inside if you want.' She shook her head.

'The gazebo is fine.'

Tristan was trying to be diplomatic and careful, but Rory had shut down completely, and that worried him more than seeing her crying. The sat in the gazebo in complete silence. She looked twitchy and nervous.

'Why did you call me?'

'I'm sorry if I interrupted something.'

'That's not what I meant and you know that. I was glad to come. I just don't know how to help you.'

'Help me?'

'Will you please talk to me? You have told me a lot already. At this point do you really think anything will surprise me?'

Her heart dropped. Suddenly she was very cold and shivering. She shook her head.

'Do you want me to call someone? Your mom? Lane?'

She shook her head again, carefully staring at her shoes. Her face got red now, and she started to feel really hot.

'Can you look at me? Do you want water? Something to eat? Do you want to talk?'

She shook her head again. She felt like she was mute and frozen in time, flashes of what happened still going through her. She would give anything to disappear. That aside, the desire to cut again suddenly appeared back in her head. Maybe that would relieve the pressure in her finally. Without noticing she was rocking back and forth trying to calm down. Her hands were gripping the wood of the gazebo bench. Her whole body was in pain. She couldn't breathe.

2.

'Rory.' he put his hand over one of hers gently, but persistently. Her eyes shot up straight at him, enlarged in fear. She tried to pull her hand away, but he stopped her. She was breathing faster, her heart going through the roof. 'I'm not going to hurt you. I just need to know that you're listening.'

Wrong choice of words. 'I need to know that you're listening to me.' She heard Dean's voice suddenly. She yanked her hand away, her breaths coming in fast short bursts. She broke down in tears.

'I'm sorry. D*mn. I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, I'm sorry. Please talk to me.' She was sobbing with her hands covering her face. 'Rory, please.' Watching her broke his heart. 'Can I hug you?' She shook her head no, still unable to stop crying. 'Okay. Okay. I. ..d*mn. Sorry. What can I do?'

She was breathing faster in faster and crying. 'Rory. Mary. D*mn. It's okay. Please. You can tell me anything, I promise. Please calm down.'

But she only seemed more and more upset and at the rate, it didn't make him worry any less. 'Okay, stay here. I'm going to be right back, 5 minutes, okay. Just five. Please try to breathe.'

He was back in 3 minutes flat, too worried to leave her alone longer. She was still in the exact state he had left her.

'Okay, I bought something. It's right next to you. I'm not going to touch you. Please.' She opened her eyes, still trying to steady her breath, but unable to stop the tears. There was a plate with a glass of water and a pill on it. There was also a blanket.

'W-w-what-what?' Her voice was still not working right.

'My mom takes it to sleep sometimes. It calms you down. I think you're having a panic attack. Or something. I think it will help. Please.'

'People-people a-a-always think...' she couldn't even breathe enough to finish the sentence, so she gave up and drank it.

'It will take a little to work. 20min, maybe?'

She nodded, tears still streaming down her face.

'I didn't want to scare you, okay?' She nodded again.'We need to talk about this, but you need to calm down first. You look like you're going to faint. Okay, please just listen to me, okay.'

She nodded. 'Look around you. Count everything that you see that is brown. Say it out loud.'

The panic was coursing through her body and she wanted to ask him why, but she couldn't. 'The g-g-gazebo.'

'Okay, good. One more.'

'T-t-the door of the h-h-house. My-my-my t-shirt. T-tt-the tree.'

'You're doing good.'

She kept listing things for a bit. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. 'Why are you making me do this? I don't see the point.'

'Good.'

'What?'

'Full sentence. You can breathe properly again. And you're not as pale as a ghost anymore. I think that was the point.'

Suddenly she noticed he was right. She had stopped shaking and crying and she was able to really breathe properly.

'Thank you.' She wanted to ask how he knew that, but she felt exhausted.

'Can we talk now? Really talk?' He was careful not to push too much.

'I'm sorry.' Her voice was low and quiet, filled with sorrow and guilt.

'For what?'

'For being such a baby. For ruining your day. For being this hard.'

'Rory, we are friends. Just talk to me.' It was a simple and heartfelt sentence and her stomach flipped.

3.

'I don't know how to start.'

'You can start anywhere you want.'

She closed her eyes and opened them again.

'Do you want me to ask?'

'It might be best.'

'What made you upset today?'

'Right to the point, huh.' He gave her a look and she realized she was trying to avoid saying anything again. She sighed, too tired to be upset anymore. Or maybe the pill he gave her was finally working. 'He came back. Dean.'

Tristan's face darkened. 'That's the guy that hurt you?'

'Yes. He's my ex. I think you may have met him once, at the dance.'

'Jesus. I have.' He shook his head in confusion.'He looked so head over heels for you, I can't imagine how...' She made a face and looked away, clearly in pain. 'Rory. I believe you. I didn't mean it like that. It's clear that he hurt you, I don't doubt that for a second.'

'It's okay. It's hard for me to believe he did that too. Less and less lately, though.'

'You saw him today?'

'Saw?' She laughed desperately, too tired to cry. 'Sure, yeah.'

'Where? When?'

'In my room, just before I called you.'

'In your room? I don't get why...'

'I...' Her hands shook and she swore quietly, annoyed that this affected her so much and took a deep breath. 'I woke up to him in my room.'

'Did he hurt you?'

'...' She opened her mouth few times, but nothing came out. Suddenly there was a voice in her head. This will be our little secret, right little girl? Nobody will believe you anyway. She shook her head, hoping she wasn't going crazy. 'I don't have bruises if that's what you mean. Just this, but it will fade.' She showed him the red line on her wrist.

'Not everything leaves bruises. You know that.'

'He didn't rape me, he just...he was mad that I took a restraining order. He wanted me to take it back, say I was mistaken or something. He just wanted to scare me.'

'Scare you how?'

'Made me think it was going to happen again, I guess. I...he was ..he was on top and ...and t-t-touching down under my...' She was starting to cry again. '...under my underwear...' Her face flushed in ugly brick red color, and she removed the tears hastily. 'I'm sorry. I'm being a baby. I'm an idiot. I shouldn't be here.'

'Rory, no! Jesus, how has he brainwashed you into thinking that just because the worst didn't happen it doesn't matter? What he did is still assault.'

She looked away. 'Maybe it isn't him. Maybe I'm defective somehow.'

'No. God, that's not what I meant. I don't want you to feel bad. None of this is your fault. At all. You know what you have to do now, right?'

'I'm not sure I know anything anymore.'

'Look, you need to call the police, okay. This is why you have the restraining order. You need to tell them what happened. You need to tell your mom and the people that care about you. Maybe talk to a counselor or something. Fight this. I don't care who he is...Rory, look at me.'

She was looking away, her face red with shame and wet from the tears, her eyes swollen from all the crying. She didn't feel capable of fighting anything. She looked at him, exhausted. 'I've seen you in class. I know you before all this, remember? You're smart, and you're driven. Don't let this guy win. Take control. I know you're in pain, but you can do this. And just...let the people that care about you be there for you, okay?'

'Okay. Can you write all this down, I'll forget something.' For a first time that day something resembling a smile appeared on her face. 'I'm kidding. Okay. Da*n. I'm not overracting, right? What he did isn't right?'

'I mean, I have no idea how you're supposed to react, but that's called assault, okay. I would be surprised if it didn't affect you.'

'Oh, God, I'm supposed to return to school tomorrow. How am I supposed to return to school tomorrow?'

'One thing at a time, okay? I think you have a long day ahead of you.'

'Yeah, yeah I guess.'

'Ready to drive you back?'

'As I'll ever be.'

They got up. She was still shaky, but at least she wasn't pale like a ghost anymore.

'You can do this, okay.' There was so much pain in her eyes, he had no idea where to begin. 'I'm going to hug you now, okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to hug you. You are stronger than this. Just breathe. Don't let him take away who you are.'

She looked at him, shaken and afraid. He took a step closer and wrapped his hands around her. She stood frozen like a statue, her hands dangling on the side like she was a doll. He was a full head taller than him and his warmth enveloped her. She was shaking and tried to take a step back, embarrassed. He stopped her gently. 'It's okay. You're okay. You are awesome, don't let him win.'

She relaxed and let the comfort of the hug envelop her. For a first time since she woke up, she let herself be vulnerable and didn't try to control or hide. Her hands finally wrapped around his back too. Few tears slid down her face. The spell was broken. She finally felt like herself, and everything he did hit her with its full power, the realization that Tristan was right, in everything he said. Just because there were bruises didn't make what happened any better. She held on to him, desperate to feel normal, to be able to relax again. She didn't realize that she was gripping his shirt as strong as she could as if she would drown if she let go. Finally, her body relaxed. 'It's okay. You're okay. You're okay' he kept whispering in her ear until she finally relaxed.