"She's crap, she's scum... Related to the gutter... Never looks behind her... For this leads ashen past. But it feels good, Just like the way it should. The chord burns on and on and on and on!"
-Superjoint Ritual
Chapter Forty Three - Ozena
I lit up and started puffing my cigarette down as quickly as possible. I'd worked myself up, to the point that I was gnawing my bottom lip off and my stomach was twisting into knots.
I had been flying high for hours and hours, all through Friday and most of Saturday. There were alot of bad moments that were still bothering me, but I had ended my trip on a good note.
I spent more than a few hours freaking out and crying over Seth. Ana had entered somewhere in the middle of that and was working to calm me down for a long time when I had some sort of epiphany; This seperation and the pain it carried were totally pointless.
I was being a self-loathing and still somehow self-centered dumbass. And a bitch.
I could accept that about myself - it was a part of who I was, on many occassions aside from this one. What I could not accept was torturing myself and the only person I had ever truly loved.
I realized that I had it in me to change the things about myself that I didn't like, cure what I would hate to infect Seth with. I knew I couldn't do it over night; I was able to stop doing drugs and I was able to make myself healthier pretty quickly, but what really needed fixed was the reasons I lived that way in the first place.
I needed healing and it was going to take time, and alot of work. I basically needed to rewire my brain and my emotions until I became a somewhat functional person. I would have to face the darkness inside of me head-on and simply pray that I was strong enough to handle it.
It scared the shit out of me.
To add to my fear was the fact that I would be trying to repair a relationship at the same time as I was repairing myself. But I had to. I needed Seth, and he would help me to heal. I knew that he loved me and wanted me happy enough to face some of my demons.
I flicked the cigarette down onto the grass and stomped it out. Then, finally, I took a deep breath and flipped Ana's phone open.
He answered after the first ring, and he sounded groggy, like he'd just woken up.
"Liz?"
"Hey Seth," I answered, my voice breaking as I spoke his name. I was trying not to let on to how nervous I was, but I could tell the odds were not in my favor.
"Are you okay?" he asked instantly.
"I... Well, um... I guess so. I mean... What qualifies as okay?" I laughed once as my head spun and my stomach turned. My knees were even going weak - I had to sit right down on the ground for fear of falling over.
Seth actually laughed back. "It's so great to hear your voice."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. So is everything alright around there? Seen any vamp action?" Was I making small talk? Seriously, Liz?
"I'm not sure, I've kind of been by myself..."
He sounded so sad. I figured this was a good time to tell him what I was calling - and dying - to say, but I didn't know how to start.
"Seth, I - " I started to say at the exact same time as he was saying, "Liz, please - "
We both went silent so that the other could speak, and I finally urged him to go first.
"Baby, I'm going crazy without you."
"Do you... Do you still want me?" That thought hadn't expressed itself in my head before popping quietly out of my mouth.
"Oh, Liz..." he breathed, desperate and intense. "I could never, ever not want you."
My smile almost broke my face. "I have to take Ana home tomorrow, so I was thinking I'd start the trip back on Tuesday."
He was silent. I looked at the screen of the phone to make sure we hadn't lost connection, and then I started wondering if he really didn't want me to come back.
"Seth?"
"You're really coming home?" He sounded fully awake now.
"I want to fix things between me and you. Can't really do that from across the country."
He let out a loud puff of air. "Oh god baby, I don't have words for how happy that makes me!"
"I need to say something. I missed you - well, miss you - so much that I feel like I can barely breathe. Being away from you hurts, and I know it's not helping anything out in the long run. I love you so much, more than I could have ever imagined loving someone before I met you, and... I think you really are my soulmate, because my soul and every other part of me feels like it's been ripped in two. I can't tell you how sorry I am for leaving the way that I did, but I promise to try and make it up to you and to earn back your trust and love. And... Well, I guess that's as much as I can really verbalize - "
"That's plenty. You can't imagine how good it feels to hear you say that you love me and to know that you mean it. I'm sorry for what happened too, and there's no need for you to feel guilty or shoulder all of the blame. We both said and did things that were hurtful and you don't have to earn back anything from me. You've got all of my trust and all of my love. For the rest of our lives."
I started crying. Not the usual sad cry, I was just so happy and relieved that it was flowing right out through my eyeballs.
"What's the matter, honey?" Seth asked, his voice calm and serene and missing the hint of hysteria it had when we started this conversation.
"I'm just so happy," I laughed through my tears.
"Me too. So, did you have fun at... where ever you're at?"
And just like that, we were on track again.
We talked for about twenty more minutes before I got off the phone, not wanting to reach that point in the conversation where there was nothing left to say. We still had things to work out, but those things would have to wait until I was home. I wasn't good with phones.
The only music left was low and melodic, and I danced alone to it for a moment, unable to believe how much better I felt.
And then the bad started.
"Liz!" A snarky voice called from the darkness. I knew that sound too well, and I cringed as I waited for Sammi to seek me out. I hadn't seen her once since I'd been here and I'd assumed she wasn't around. She had kept on complaining about having to pay her way in before, but I guess she found the money or someone else to pay for her.
"I didn't think you were here," she said as she stopped a few feet away, leaned against a tree and lit up a cigarette. She offered me one and I had to walk over to her to get it. I was wondering if she was going to sucker punch me or something, but she lit my smoke for me and seemed too relaxed to want to fight. Physically, anyways.
"I didn't think you were here, either," I finally replied.
"Where's that sexy motherfucker you usually have attached to your ass?"
And so it begins. "I don't know who you might be talking about."
"Oh you know. About six foot five, body made of pure muscle, great tan, gorgeous smile, eyes, hair... everything." She giggled. She seriously just fucking giggled at me. About my boyfriend.
I wanted to hit... I was grinding my teeth and clenching my fists.
"Or did he finally come to his senses and realize he was way too good for you?"
My anger turned into shame... and more anger. But I still felt guilty, and I knew that she wasn't wrong.
"Well, look at the options he got left with. It was either me or you, of course he wanted me." Take that, cocksucker!
"Whatever, he could have any girl he wanted. And even if it was down to just me or you, what makes you a better choice than me? You're a fucking good girl that tries to act bad. I'm a bad girl that loves being bad. At least if he would have gotten with me, I would have given him the fucking ride of his life."
"Yeah, and about twenty STD's," Ana's voice said from behind me.
I laughed as I handed her the cigarette.
"Please, Liz is a bigger slut than I am," Sammi replied snidely.
I started laughing harder. "In what parallel fucking universe is that even close to the truth?" I yelled, still laughing and smacking my hand against my leg. It made me mad, but it was just too damn funny. "You say I'm a good girl and then say that I'm a monster whore! So which is it?"
"You're trash, and beyond that I don't know or care. I've never known anyone so fucking disgusting in my life."
"You know what, Sam? You do know someone alot more disgusting, because you know yourself," Ana said calmly, though she was getting in her face. "And I think you better waddle your skanky ass on out of here before we both beat the living shit out of you."
"I'd fucking love to see you try!" Sammi yelled, though she was backing away slowly.
I heard a tent unzipping and then Darrell came barrelling out towards the three of us. He put his hand on Ana's shoulder and she moved aside, probably because she knew that if she didn't move on her own then he was going to move her.
He got right in Sammi's face, and then kept forcing his head towards hers until she was halfway bent backwards on the ground.
"Take your trailer park trash ass away from here, and don't ever fucking talk to them like that," he said through his teeth.
"Darrell, when did you get so big?" she asked in her sensual voice, trying to hide the fact that she was shaking. "Remember that night we spent together, when you were just so upset about Lizzy and I told you - "
He straightened up and put a hand on each of her shoulders, spun her around and gave her a shove in the direction opposite all of us. "Get the fuck out of here," he growled, and even she knew that it was more trouble than it was worth to stick around.
I eyed Ana, wanting her to go back inside. She knew me well enough to catch the hint and skipped away, leaving just me and Darrell.
"Seriously? You slept with her when you were upset over me?" It sounded so gross! "Seriously?" I asked again, not sure what else to say.
He finally turned to face me, giving me the full-on puppy dog eyes. "Would you have ever expected better of me?"
"I... I don't know. I mean, you fuck skanks, it's kind of your thing, but to fuck one while you're so all about me is just... just so..." My mouth was twisting up, like I needed to spit something out of it.
"It's fucking sick is what it is," he finished. There was that smirk again, pulling up one corner of his mouth. It pissed me off even more that he thought this was somehow funny.
"God Darrell, you are so fucking offensive!"
"You can do alot better than that, babe. I'm a dick, a dog, an asshole. Pretty much the guy that your parents will warn you about when you're a little girl. At least I know it and never try to pretend to be anything else."
"But why? Why are you like that?"
"Just who I am." He'd been inching his way over to me and now we were face to chest. He ran his fingers through my hair, stopping with his hand on the back of my neck.
"Hands!"
He came closer, leveling his eyes with mine. "Stop playing with me," he whispered.
"You're the only player here. You cheated on me, buddy."
"Actually, I didn't. For that short period of time, I was very much a one-woman man... And if I had you, Liz..." he shook his head, no words coming.
"Um, yeah, you did have me. Or have you forgotten so soon?"
"Oh, I could never, ever forget that." He leaned back and let his eyes run up and down my form in a very cave-manish type of way. He lowered his face to my ear and whispered, "You're the only one that was worth remembering. Your pussy tasted like candy, and I'll never forget how awesome it was every time I got you to come all over my cock."
"Darrell!" I yelled as I jumped back. He was making me feel dirty, like I should immediately drive to Grandma's for a shower.
"But that's not what I meant by having you. I've had your body, your friendship, but never all of you. I want you to love me the way that I love you."
"We've already been over this! I love Seth, not you or anyone else."
"You two back together?"
"Yes," I responded with my head high.
"You know that it's just a matter of time until you're apart again." Another smirk appeared that I'd like to smack off his face.
I yawned. "Well enlighten me, all knowing one. Why will we be apart?"
"He'll never accept every part of you. He'll never even know every part of you. And he'll never, ever love you the way that I do. Liz... You're just as fucked up as I am. You're a crazy bitch, no matter how good you can be at covering it up. He's a prep, he's never going to see how fucking sadistically wonderful you are."
"You're right Darrell; you are a dick, a dog and an asshole."
"I'm serious!" he countered. "He's never going to listen to your music and think it's the second most beautiful thing in the world, right next to you yourself. He's never going to read your work and cry when he thinks about it. He's never going to watch you brawl with somebody and dream about fucking you afterwards. He's never going to see how adorable you are when you get that confused look on your face, or when you eat peanut butter with pickles. He's never going to stare at that shit streak in your eye and think it's perfect because it's flawed, just like you, babe."
My mouth was hanging open, and I had to work to close it, and then to open it again. "I can't imagine how to respond to that..." Truth. "It was, um, sweet, I guess." Lie. "Darrell, you're my best friend. Can we just stop trying to be so complicated? You know that I love you, and you know that it's not in the same way that you love me. Just... just be my friend. Please?"
He smiled, not in the usual condescending way, but a truly happy smile. "I'll always be your friend." He crossed his heart and then swept me up with his arms before I could blink. He crushed my body to his as my feet dangled above the ground, and when I got my arms free, I hugged him back.
I had a whole lot of mixed emotions when it came to him, but we'd been friends for years and it really did hurt me to think of completely losing him. That was enough for me to try and keep the peace.
"Let's go to bed now," I suggested with a huge yawn.
He set me down and pecked my cheek, then led me to the tent.
The next day, I was driving home with Ana passed out in my backseat, and I honestly thought that the worst was over. I'd fought with Sammi, fought with Darrell - twice - and now I could go spend a day in my home town with some friends and party a little to kiss it all goodbye, and within a week I would be back in rainy Washington with the love of my life.
I was a fucking idiot.
We were about halfway home on a four hour drive when a trooper pulled up behind me. Ana was awake and had been hollering in my backseat, probably due to the pint or so of Jim Beam she'd killed in the last hour. She was getting belligerent.
"Ana!" I hissed at her, hoping to break into the drunken reverie.
"What?" she yelled back, barely able to make the word out coherently.
"Lay the fuck back down and shut the fuck up. There's some boys in blue behind me."
"What?" she slurred again, sitting up a little bit.
"Lay down!" I screamed, because she was actually starting to piss me off. Too many times I had watched her drunken ass get carted away in a cop car and I absolutely did not want it happening again. "There's some fucking pigs behind me! Do you want to go to jail again?"
"Jail? No..." She sounded like a mentally handicapped little kid, and I felt kind of bad for thinking that but it didn't make it not true.
"Then lay down and act like you're asleep..." I glanced in my rearview just as they flicked their lights on.
"Fuck, fuck, FUCK!" I was about to go off. These dudes better watch what they said, because I really didn't care to go to jail. Been there, done that, and now had enough money in the bank to bail my own ass out. So ha.
"Whudizit?" Ana mumbled behind me, sitting up again.
"Lay down!" I said as quietly and forcefully as I could muster. She dipped down quick and then the flashlight was shining through my windows. Yeah, a flashlight - in the fucking day time.
I rolled my window down and tried to smile. "Hello, officer," I said sweetly, though I could just as quickly hop out of here and kick this guy in the nuts, just for fucking up my day. I had a big problem with respecting authority.
"Hi, ma'am. License and registration, please."
"Well, since you asked so nicely..." I muttered under my breath as I searched out the papers.
"'Scuse me, ma'am?"
"Oh, I didn't say anything." Dickwad. This one was getting farther onto my bad side, fast. I sub-consciously started looking around at how many cars were in sight of mine, because a part of my brain was planning on fucking this dude up. There were way too many witnesses, though.
He walked back to his cruiser where his partner was waiting and started checking my information. Motherfucker didn't even tell me what he pulled me over for.
I cursed silently until he came back, and then I put my fake smile back on.
"Miss Collins, do you know why we stopped you?" he asked as the other cop approached my passenger window to shine his light around.
"No."
"The fuck!" Ana suddenly yelled from my backseat as she bolted upright. I turned around and I fucking swear to God, it took every single bit of restraint inside of me to not smack the shit out of her head.
"Ana..." I said as calmly as possible. "Go. Back. To. Sleep."
"Why don't you two step out of the car," the pig said, a new edge to his voice.
I almost started to scream and rip my hair out. I was having a fucking nervous breakdown. This was horrible.
Ana got out and started cussing like a maniac. Then she took a swing at one of those assholes, and all hell broke loose. I tried to restrain her while I begged them to just let me take her home and sleep it off, but they put her in cuffs and searched her, found her fake I.D. and then her real one which let them know that she was underage, and she was in a heap of legal shit that I couldn't talk her out of.
They let me go without a ticket or even a warning, and I followed them to city holding. I went in while she was still in booking and tried to speak kindly to the dumbasses at the front desk, but they weren't being very cooperative. Ana was still flipping out but now she was crying, and she kept yelling at them to call her mom. I figured it was a very short matter of time until I ended up in the cell with her; they wouldn't tell me what her charges were, and she had to be arraigned before I would know what the bail was.
Before I flipped my top, I went over to her holding cell window. "Do you really want me to call your mom?"
"Yes!" she yelled back through her insane sobs.
"They haven't set your bail yet, and you're probably in for the night. Do you want me to grab a hotel room and wait until you get out?"
The cops were telling me I had to leave, but I was ignoring them.
"Please don't leave me here!" Ana cried, and I knew I would have stayed anyways.
"I'm going to get Caroline up here and get us a room. I'll see you in the morning, okay sweetie?"
She nodded her head, seeming completely pathetic.
"Hey - Once you get in population, you keep your fucking head up, okay? Don't let none of them bitches dog you out for a second. You've been in before and you'll probably be in again. I love you and I'll have you out as soon as I can."
"Miss!" A female officer yelled into my ear. She grabbed my shoulder like she was going to drag me away, and I shook her off and shot her a look that let her know if she didn't remove her hand than I was very likely to kill her.
She let go and I left.
I called Caroline on Ana's phone and explained what happened, and she told me she'd be here in about two hours. I was so worn out from everything, so I told her I was going to the nearest lodge and that I'd call her once I had a room to give her directions to where I was. We were both going to be in for a long and shitty night.
When I was settled into a cheap and comfy motel room, I still couldn't sleep. I was worried about Ana, and I was worried about myself. I was worried about Caroline. I was really worried about Seth.
I didn't deal well with stress.
I went back outside and got my guitar and the rest of the bottle of whiskey out of my trunk. The cops had only searched Ana's purse, and then they'd let me take it back before they took her away. That was so lucky they didn't search the shit in our car, 'cause we were riding dirty as hell. We had more whiskey, over an ounce of pot and a full stash of other shit to sell off at home.
I figured there was no point sitting in my hotel room by myself, so I started walking. I was in a town outside of Charleston, small enough that I didn't hate it but big enough to have motels and clubs and a Wal-Mart. There weren't many people out that weren't in cars, but I found a little park to sit down in and play some music. I started strumming my guitar, and somehow I ended up playing 'Mr. Mud and Mr. Gold' by Townes Van Zandt. I'd never even attempted that song before - it was a little too cowboy for me - but I played it like I knew every chord by heart, and I assumed it was because my own life felt like a game of five card draw.
Some people actually came up to me and watched, and when I was done they tossed money into my guitar case. I told them to take it back; I wasn't panhandling, I just did this for fun. One of the guys had been watching me intently, smiling if he caught my eye. He was probably in his late twenties, tall and lean and covered in tattoos that couldn't hide all the track marks that he had. He came over to me and sat down on the same small bench.
"I've never met a girl that even knew who Townes was," he said as he flashed a smile that was missing some teeth. "Ever watched his movie?"
"Yeah, it's one of my favorites."
"I love it when he says he was sitting on the edge of a balcony and he wondered what it would feel like to fall."
"And he'd have to do it to know, so he leaned back and landed four stories down," I finished with a laugh. "I love that and then the part where he's getting interviewed and they ask him why his music is so sad."
"Life is sad," the guy answered. "I'm Joe, by the way." He didn't offer his hand.
"I'm Liz."
"You just come from All Good?"
"Yeah. My friend got arrested so I had to stop on the way home."
He raised his eyebrows. "You smoke?"
"Smoke what?"
He smiled again. "Do anything else?"
I didn't really want to hang out with this dude, but I was curious what he would say if I asked. "What'd you have in mind?"
He looked at me like he was in awe. I wasn't sure why.
"I've got some tar, all I could find today."
I didn't consciously decide anything. The words simply flowed from my mouth on their own, without giving me a single chance to consider the consequences. "Let's smoke that shit."
We walked to an alley-way to hide, though I had to warn him that if he tried to fuck with me because we were out of sight then I would have to slit his fucking throat and leave him to bleed all the way out on this concrete. He seemed harmless enough, so we leaned against a nasty brick wall with our lighters and a piece of aluminum foil with a ball of dope on it and got to business.
I hadn't done opiates in so long, and I'd forgotten the feeling of being numb. Now I remembered why there were so many junkies everywhere, because this was where it was at. Nothing compared to cutting off those feelings; to acknowledge them as there but to not have to face any of them.
"So you just walk around town and do this every day?" I asked my new dope fiend friend.
"Yeah," he said as he blew a hit of poison from his lungs. "Life of a dope head. What do you do every day?"
I sighed and then took the foil. "I guess it depends on which point I'm at in life."
"What about just the last couple of months?"
"Stayed the fuck away from West Virginia. Fell in love and left him behind, got fucked up, stopped getting fucked up, started back again, played music... That's about it. I haven't even wrote anything."
"I've been out here for a couple of years now. My family got tired of me and threw me out, and I've just been trying not to get sick ever since." He looked at me with sadness behind his dazed out eyes. "What about you, you don't do junk much."
"How do you know?"
"You got too much soul behind your eyes. And you're way too pretty to have lived that hard."
"I've never been hooked on pills or anything else. I drink more than anything."
"Kill you the quickest," he said as he took another puff of black tar heroin. Oh, the irony.
"It's true," I said, and the words came out slow and lazy. I was so fucked up that I could barely move, but my legs were still holding my body up. I felt myself nodding and I woke up and then did it again.
I was tripping out on this line from the song I'd sang in the park, "If you feel like lost, you'll end up found". I felt like lost, but I was losing myself further and further. I was Mr. Gold, and as soon as I thought I'd won I would lose it all.
I started remembering that this was a bad idea, so I told Joe thanks and threw him twenty bucks and booked it back to my motel. I was dragging ass now, and I was so relieved I would finally be able to get some sleep.
Days passed and Ana was freed, and I took her home with Caroline following behind us. I'd stayed fucked up the whole time she was in jail, and it was difficult to drive back with a buzz and a hangover at the same time.
I recognized that I was doing the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing, but if I did things right then I just wouldn't be me. I called Seth every night to keep him updated on everything that was going on, and he was getting worried sick about me. Somewhere inside of both of us, we realized that the hard times were just getting rolling, not coming to a close. I had to stay in my home town for a couple of days, and it was impossible to know how long I would end up stuck in the dramatic bullshit that was this town.
It was Thursday evening when I finally left Ana's and found myself walking through Darrell's yard to the front door. I didn't knock, I just went in. He came running from the bathroom and stopped short, staring at me.
"I thought you were headed back to Washington," he said after a moment.
I could barely walk. I'd done too many pills and drank too much alcohol to move right, or to care that I couldn't. "Ana and Vince are having a huge fight."
"She back now too?"
"Yeah, of course. I got her out as fast as I could. I tried to not even let them arrest her," I said, and my voice was slow and scratchy. I started to nod out and Darrell had to catch me before I simply fell through his threshhold.
"What the fuck have you been doing?"
"Oxys and valiums. And a lot of wine." He guided me to the couch to sit down and he sat in the chair beside of me.
"Got any more?"
"Maybe I do. What are you going to give me for it?"
"I still have some blow. Why are you doing pills, you fucking hate doing pills."
"I've turned over a new leaf in drug use," I told him sarcastically. "Want to do a trade?"
"Yeah. You're not going to leave right after though, are you?"
"I was kind of coming to hang out for awhile."
"Good."
My brand new phone started ringing when I stood up to follow him to his room.
"Hey baby," I answered happily.
"Hey. You alright babe? You sound pretty messed up."
"I'm fine," I lied.
"When are you planning on leaving there to start back home?"
"Don't know."
"Liz... I need you back here with me..." he said sadly.
"I can barely walk right now, I definitely can't drive for days straight. I've got to make sure everything is okay before I come there. Stop getting high and shit."
"Like that's gonna happen," Darrell said - very loudly - from where he was standing at his dresser. I plopped down on his bed and flipped him off.
"I can come and get you. Please baby... I feel like you're playing with me or something."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Darrell brought me a mirror with at least two grams of cocaine lined out on it. "So what's the trade?"
"Who the hell is that?" Seth asked, and he sounded pissed off.
"It's just Darrell, baby. Hold on for a second." I held the phone down on my neck because I could barely move any part of me. I felt in my bra and held out the rest of my pills. "There's ten fifteen's, let's just half everything up."
I crushed two of them and mixed them with two lines of coke and did my half all up my nose. I picked the phone back up and said, "Seth?"
"Tell him to stop giving you drugs!" he yelled in return, surprising me.
"He ain't giving me shit, I'm paying for it," I answered.
I was fading in and out as he bitched at me for making bad decisions and breaking his heart, but at some point everything went fuzzy, then black then gray...
I woke up being doused with water with Darrell screaming my name over and over, telling me to wake up, please wake up. The world came back as I sucked in a huge amount of air and sat upright. I was shaking and freaking out and I guess I had puked on myself, but I was so frightened and confused that I didn't know what to make of the situation.
"She's awake!" Darrell yelled. I looked at him, and he was talking into my phone. I prayed that he wasn't talking to Seth, but then what would he have to say to him?
"She'd kill me if I took her to a hospital," he said. "Yeah, here... she looks scared."
He handed me the phone. "Hello?"
"I'm coming there right now, I don't care what you say about it," Seth growled at me.
"What just happened?" I wondered aloud.
"You just overdosed and died Liz!"
"Oh," was all I could say. "Well, I'll call you later. Love you, bye."
"LIZ! Do NOT hang this phone up!"
"Why? And don't really come here, I don't... want you to see me like this." I was still nodding out, so I guess I didn't do enough coke.
"I told you, it doesn't matter what you say about it. I'm leaving tonight, and I'll be there in a day or two."
"You're running?" I forgot that Darrell was listening, and I wondered for a moment what he would make of that question.
"Yeah, it's alot faster."
"What if I need to call you?"
"I'll have my phone on me, I might not be able to answer right when you call but I can call you back. Listen to me, Liz: Try to calm down on what you're doing to yourself before I lose you for good. I love you."
"I love you too, but I'm not promising anything." Worthless people break their promises.
"When I get you back home, you're stopping all of this shit. I don't care what I have to do to make that happen. Call me if you need anything, I'll see you soon."
