Notes: Trigger warnings for this entire fucking semester – war, Holocaust/WW2 parallels, lots and lots of violence, discrimination, Mary Sues. And so forth.
Bled-Stained Days at Mirror Multiverse-Occupied IAHF: Year One of the Thousand-Year Sparklereign
(translation: Bled-Stained Days at the International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction: Semester Three)
Part I
Hail Imogene.
Hail Our Dear Leader who brings peace to all, hail her and her Rapunzel-long hair that shines with all the colours of the rainbow. Hail Our Dear Leader who has more colours in her eyes than there are on a Photoshop pallete.
Hail Imogene, she who will give us more living space, she who brings glory to the name of Mary Sue, she who rains Glitter and justice onto all. All shall love her and despair.
Hail –
"Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?"
"Yes we can, fujoshiLuminary. Go on."
"Thank you, alarmingRomulan. Lurkers of the world, unite! Sorry we couldn't make it to you on the airwaves sooner; the Sparkle Police have been trying to jam our signals and our correspondents keep on going missing. I suppose it's because those stupid creepers and Suvian students have sided with the enemy and keep trying to do us in, but –"
"But we've got to press on during these hard times, isn't that right?"
"Quite right. Well, tonight we've brought in guest correspondent fraulineForensics. Hello, FF!"
"Hello."
"How did you escape the first wave of purgings? I heard most the Staff members were reduced to slobbering imbeciles by the Aura of Smooth."
"Oh, I was in a plothole at the time with some other uncanonical Staff members."
"And now you've all taken refuge with us over here in the Underground, I see."
"Yeah it's a shame that Charlie Tenterden and Taylor Drews-Garcia were brainwashed, but historicPastry managed to escape – and that's doubly good for him, because I hear the Mary Sues are installing the Final Problem –"
"You mean the Final Solution."
"Yeah, something like that."
"Tell us more."
"They're planning to weed out all the nerds on campus. All the intellectuals and stuff, people who value Hetalia for its historical satire. They're trying to install this new… well… they're trying to put in a brainwashing camp."
"CthulhuMythos talked about his experience in a brainwashing camp last time. Would it have been anything like that, do you think?"
"Well, FL, I don't really know if his account's totally accurate, because CM's experience was cut short when he and Jennifer were rescued by masqueradingGondola and ironicMulberries. They never really got into the thick of the experience and believe me; it looks pretty gruesome out there."
"No kidding, FF, we've endured plenty of Glitter Bombs these past few days. Just yesterday the new students arrived just in time for a systematic bombing of the Underground! But you know what the League of Extraordinary Anglophiles say – Keep Calm and Carry On. And speaking of the LEA, here's jammyDodgers and her interpreter instrumentalVirtuoso."
"Thank you! JD and I are very pleased to be here. I'm sorry if my voice is a bit too singsong – it does get that way, I guess. In any case, it's good to hear that the graduating students have largely made it home in one piece before the school fully collapsed, but I'm sure there are stragglers hanging out in the no man's land. And it's a shame that the new students won't be able to really experience IAHF because of this state of war. And speaking of war, the Flyers are out again, taking out the bomber dragons that the Rainbow Overlord's got out there, and we have the Nurses from the Hospital Wing moved into the Underground – we're all in this together, after all."
"Very true, and no, AR, don't you dare start singing that song."
"We're all in this together –"
"I said no!"
"Fine."
"The rundown of this week, then. Any casualties that the Bled Chronicles aren't keeping track of?"
"They're not keeping track of anything, really; not since Shinbun-kun got brainwashed –"
"All right, well. We regret to announce that Erich von Richtofen-Marlowe and Samantha Marie Pappas were captured the other day by the Sparkle Police, which have unfortunately expanded to include some of the newer students as well."
"Yes, wasn't there one girl who said she was an informant-slash-fujoshi on her form? She played a huge part in their capture. Other Nerd Group members are still being rounded up."
"I hope nothing's happened to your dorkyFanatic, FL."
"He's perfectly fine. He's studying with brittleSarcasm and seaportEnthusiast at the moment."
"Good. Unfortunately Kartik Abingdon and Matsu Takeshima weren't so fortunate in their plight; they were killed by the Suestapo last night –"
"Yes, that's the difference between the Suestapo and the Sparkle Police – the Suestapo have the authority to kill on sight and wear more lurid uniforms, and are comprised of only Mary Sues. The Sparkle Police have student informants within their ranks. Unfortunately if you find yourself in close proximity to a Suvian student or someone with serious grammar issues on their registration forms, you will soon realise that you cannot trust them. At all. These are dark, uncertain times."
"Yes, they are. Sorry, am I intruding? Hello!"
"Hello, honeyDapper! I thought you were with cthulhuMythos?"
"He's directing the Flyer attack again. You're doing all right, AR?"
"Never been better, honey. You look terrible."
"Sorry. I have the casualty lists for the flight battles as of now. Sixteen dead on our side, many more on theirs."
"Today or total?"
"Total, thank glod."
"What about today?"
"Three. I regret to inform you all that Sasha K. Everthorne, Ariana Beatrice Grant, and Eliza Keaton have been killed in action today, burnt down by the bomber dragons out there."
"We will now take a moment of silence for them."
"Well, it's a pity we're not able to access the IAHF conservatory to get the necessary ingredients to resurrect our casualties. The Nurses however are keeping all salvageable bodies in a cryogenic plothole for future resurrection. So don't fear; we will have our comrades back in time."
"Yes indeed. Now, let's turn things over to historicPastry for an update on the home front. How's it holding up over there with the new students?"
"Ah, thank you all. Well. New students, hm. My little brother happens to be attending this semester – he's henceforth known as sanctimoniousHermetic, thank you. And really, who decided to call me historicPastry? I rather preferred methodicalHagiocracy –"
"Well you're not exactly a government and you're not quite holy, so we gave that handle to someone else."
"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, back on track. New students. Aside from my charming little brother, the new students have quickly taken sides – the more intellectual ones have obviously joined us, and their polar opposites the Sparkle Police. As we all know, informant Scarlet Rokudo is one of the new students and a very, very dangerous peer. You cannot trust her. She is tall with blue eyes and something she calls 'hir' which she 'dais' every other week. She barely writes; she prefers speaking. She's also very often in the company of a half-rainbow student named Turtle-weed obrain, who has a Bled eye."
"That's good to know, thank you. What else, HP?"
"Many of the newcomers are glad that there aren't any classes, but we are working to rectify that – we need volunteers from our dwindling pool of intellectuals to try and teach the newcomers. Food supplies are running low; I propose a raid in the near future on the food stores in the main building."
"Ah, food running out is never a good idea. You can probably get plenty of help with that; we're all experts on trying to sneak into the Staff Section, aren't we?"
"Oh definitely. Everyone, ration out what you've got. With the supply plothole's offerings being diverted to our Sparkly Overlords, it's only going to get harder from here on out to eke out a living in the Underground –"
"Wait, that's an air raid siren. We'll be back in a bit."
"Well, that was tedious!"
"Easy for you to say. Welcome back cthulhuMythos from the front line, everyone!"
"Greetings, all."
"How was the battle?"
"You heard the casualties from HD. Three down on our side, countless on theirs. But then again, the average Mary Sue isn't a hard target. It's only unfortunate that there are so many of them and that they're controlled by above-average Mary Sues. Like our dear Adolf Sparkler."
"I don't think that's a very orthodox nickname for her."
"She isn't a very orthodox person, is she?"
"Good point. CM, I've been meaning to ask you this for a bit."
"Ask, then."
"Do you think that Jennifer Chang could have escaped death?"
"Well, it's not improbable, but I did see her disappear before my very eyes."
"Can you always trust your eyes?"
"You can only arrive at the truth by eliminating the impossible, and though the chances of Jennifer having escaped that particular attack were very slim, there's always the hope that she's out there, out of harm's way. I only wish her safety after all she's been through."
"If she's still alive, then, what implications would that suggest for us?"
"From what I've heard, she helped kill some Mary Sues last year in your Project Roswell maze. Her courage lies beyond doubt. If she is still alive, I believe she will be on our side, furthering our cause elsewhere. If she's still alive, she will find her way back to us somehow."
"A very touching sentiment. See, I knew there was humanity in you."
"Shut up."
"Rumour has it, though, that one – if not both – of our Course Coordinators has escaped the purge and are on the run. Do you think they're still alive, CM?"
"Well, I know Fraser managed to shake off the… what did you call it again? Suefluence? I know he managed to escape that and go into hiding because his capitulation to such forces would have been of tremendous importance to the Mary Sues, him being their mortal enemy and all –"
"More like their Sam Winchester, since all the Sues he fucks die –"
"You can't say that based off only one instance, AR!"
"Excuse me, I am speaking!"
"Sorry, CM."
"Yes, you had better. In any case, had Fraser been caught the Sues would have broadcast it. And I suppose the same could have gone for Clarke, but our surveillance has turned up naught on his presence on campus. Either he has disappeared with Fraser or the Sues are keeping him where our eyes cannot see him."
"Not very heartening. What do you think you would like to say to Jennifer and the Messrs if you knew they were listening, though?"
"I have no idea what I'd say to the Course Coordinators, but I know I'd tell Jennifer that wherever she is, I'll believe in her. I'll believe in her intelligence and her courage to get herself out of whatever trouble she's in."
"Are you sure you're not actually human?"
"Shut up."
"Just teasing. Any updates on other Staff members on the lam who aren't in the Underground?"
"The Pirates have sailed away, I hear; Pirate Arthur was trying to get asylum at the Modern Baker Street Fanfiction Academy."
"Here's to hoping he does. The PPC have been sheltering some of them – specifically ataxophobicElleth, chocoholicAssassin, and matespiritConverter, but germanophileBicarbonate has been helping shelter some of the refugees as well. Do you think, CM, that the PPC will come to our aid again?"
"I doubt it, actually. They've been having their own issues over there. They're not obliged to fight for every invaded OFU. No, I think it's safe to assume we're going to be on our own for the duration. It'd be good to have reinforcements, but we can never rely on that sort of hope."
"What sort of hope would you give, then?"
"Well, we have managed to keep ourselves afloat here since the start of the invasion. I do not doubt that we can continue this, however morally taxing it will get. And sometimes I know it will be hard to resist the temptation to lie down and give up. But I have seen the horrors that await surrender, and I tell you that even creatures of my calibre shudder to experience the terrors that the Mary Sues would have in store.
"The Lurkers' Underground expects everyone to do their duty. If we do, we shall prove ourselves – once again! – able to defend this school from the menace of Glitter and Suedom – if necessary, for years, if necessary, alone. Such is the will of the Lurkers' Underground. As distant as we may be in our interests, we are all linked together with a common love for Hetalia, a common respect for the Canon, a common need to defend our freedom from the hands of the Mary Sues. We will defend to the death what is rightfully our home, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of our strength, even though other parts of IAHF have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Suestapo and all the odious apparatus of the Mirror Multiverse's rule.
"We shall not flag nor fail. We shall go onto the end. We shall fight in the Café Foscarini and on Lake Eric; we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. We shall defend IAHF, whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on desks, in the cafeteria, in the hallways, and on the lawn. We shall never surrender."
"Well, that was very much in the style of Winston Churchill! Impressive indeed, CM. You bring heart to us all, and that's a bit ironic considering the lack of yours."
"Thank you."
"Well, listeners, that brings us to the end of another broadcast from the Lurkers' Union. We will be back; we're not sure when, so don't hold your breath but do tune in. Good night!"
Notes: This chapter is brought to you by Potterwatch and Winston Churchill. Huge amounts of thanks to FrigginGoddess for providing me with the code names. I hope that wasn't too confusing.
Quick key to the characters, in order of mentions:
Lila: fujoshiLuminary
Alexis: alarmingRomulan
Ema: fraulineForensics
Franklin: historicPastries
R'yleh: cthuluMythos
Venezia: masqueradingGondola
Julietta: ironicMulberries
Charley Maytha: jammyDodgers
Midori Harrison: instrumentalVirtuoso
Peter: dorkyFanatic
Ursula: brittleSarcasm
Kira: seaportEnthusiast
Boris: honeyDapper
Franklin's brother: sanctimoniousHermetic
Michael Arch: methodicalHagiocracy
Eledhwen: ataxaphobicElleth
Christianne: chocoholicAssassin
Kitty: matespritConverter
Karen: germaophileBicarbonate
The handles 'sanctimoniousHermetic' and 'methodicalHagiocracy' are actually Holmestuck Pesterchum handles for Sherlock Holmes and Mycroft Holmes, but I'm stealing them for my own nefarious purposes. Heh.
And for future reference, the Underground just means the dorms, probably more specifically the girls' dorms (but I'm pretty sure there's got to be some underground connection between the girls' and boys' dorms, and that's where all of this is taking place.)
