Ch53: Contemplation
BPOV
As much as I didn't want to doubt the sincerity of my feelings for Jasper, something about what Edward said was haunting me. I could still remember when Jasper and I had been in the car together and for some reason I had been very happy and complacent despite the whole kidnapping situation. I had felt so happy to be with him, like we were best friends on a road trip.
Maybe his gift was the ability to manipulate relationships…
That would explain a lot of things. Why my feelings for Edward had dulled and why I suddenly have such an intense attraction to Jasper.
Though it wouldn't explain why I'm suddenly bored with my current life despite it once being all I ever wanted: an awesome boyfriend, a group of good friends, a steady job, and good grades. Now all that felt petty.
I started tearing up.
Why don't I love this life the way I used to? I just want to love Edward again, to have everything the way it was before Jasper whisked me away.
But that's not true. As much chaos as Jasper being here stirred in me I don't want him to go or for me to forget about him.
I guess maybe I've never encountered someone like him before, someone broken yet desperately trying to become whole, someone who has seen true evil, and- and-
Why am I so attracted to him? Not just physically- I just want to be around him constantly!
It's frustrating.
I know next to nothing about him yet I feel like I'd be fine running away with him if he asked me to despite all the people who I love here. I always just feel so warm around him and it makes no sense.
Just thinking about him made me feel a bit warmer.
Maybe his gift really is some sort of manipulation.
I've always prided myself on being logical and this is not logical at all!
I just can't accept that this weird emotion is natural, especially considering how little I know about Jasper.
It's not lust, I know lust. Edward showed me that one in spades when we first started dating.
It's not love, I know how that felt with Edward-
This was just so much more intense than that love- Maybe what I had with Edward wasn't love… but I didn't want to accept that. If that was true than that would mean I was willing to give up everything in this life for something less than love.
I'm just so frustrated!
I feel like I'm not being loyal to Edward and that really hurts me. I could only image the pain it would cause him if he knew that my love for him was fading.
What do you think of her reason for not wanting to accept that she isn't in love with Edward?
