A Confession Regarding Erwin's Mission
'I suppose I have to get back to the Gryffindor common room,'said Lily. 'Will you be okay, Sev?'
'I'll be fine,'said Severus. 'Lily, could I borrow Leo from you? There''s something that I need to do.'
'Sorry Sev,' Lily said, 'but I wrote a letter to Tuney yesterday. You'll have to use one of the school owls.'
'Then I'll do that,'he said. He watched Lily and Dumbledore head for the staircases, and had a feeling that Lily wasn't doing as well as she was pretending to be.
Instead of heading to the Slytherin common room like all students, Severus walked up to Slughorn's office to notify that he had returned and headed straight the owlery.
He knew that once the students were able to get out of their common rooms, the owlery would be swarming with students, desperate to send messages to their families about what happened in Hogsmeade.
A strong looking great gray owl looked like he was up for the job, so Severus send off a note, and money, and hoped the owl would return in time.
Severus made his way downstairs and to the lab, where he planned on working on the wolfsbane potion and some homework. Once inside on the other hand, he found Lily sitting on his bed, wiping away tears.
'I was hoping you'd be here soon,' Lily said with a raspy voice.
Without hesitation, Severus sat down beside her and pulled her in an embrace, making her head rest against his chest. 'Did it finally get to you what happened out there?' he asked her calmly.
'Yes,' she said with a dry sob. 'I hope Evan and Regulus are okay.'
'We'll go visit them tomorrow at breakfast,' Severus reassured her. 'Along with the rest of the Young Order.'
'How come you're not afraid, Sev?' Lily asked as she sat back up straight, and picked away a final tear.
'What do you mean by that?' Severus asked with an eyebrow raised.
'You seemed so…calm, enigmatic even…just standing there as you were talking to her, that Bellatrix lady.'
'Because in situations such as these I cannot afford to be afraid Lily,' Severus answered somberly. 'It's just an act. It's always an act.'
Lily's eyebrows formed into a frown. 'You're acting like you've seen this all before, Sev. How come?'
Severus looked down at his hands and shook his head. 'You know that there are things I cannot answer you,' he said quietly.
'Are you saying you have been in this kind of trouble before?' Lily said in disbelief.
'I have,' Severus said almost inaudibly, not daring to look her in the eye.
'Don't lie to my, Sev,' Lily said sharply.
'I'm not. I wouldn't dare.'
Lily stood up from the bed in a flash of anger. 'How far exactly were you into this Death Eater thing last year, Sev?' she snapped.
It was in this question that Severus found his way out, and he looked up at her fuming red face.
'Too far,' he said clearly. 'So far in fact, that Malfoy keeps telling me that the Dark Lord still has an interest in me.'
'Why do you keep calling him the Dark Lord?' Lily yelled, 'as if he's someone to look up to!'
'Because it would be foolish to deny the power that the man has,' Severus said, raising his voice against his own will, 'and because calling him you-know-who sounds ridiculous!'
Steam was nearly coming out of Lily's ears from anger. With balled fists she stomped her way towards where Severus had thrown off his cloak, fumbled around in the inner pocket, and pulled out the pack of cigarettes.
'Take one,' Lily sneered as she took a cigarette out, and tossed the pack to him.
'Lily, that's not what they're meant—'
'—does it look like I give a shit right now!' Lily interrupted him, and snapped her fingers so hard she nearly set her whole cigarette on fire.
Quickly Severus pulled a cigarette out of the pack and lit it, not wanting to blow her fuse any further.
'What happened to you, Sev?' she asked as she paced around the room. 'Because during the summer I thought I had lost you as a friend, only for you to pull a one-eighty and fight against everything you were working on.'
Severus stood up from the bed and walked up to her, causing her to stop pacing and stare out of the window into the bottom of the lake.
'You are so…different,' Lily said as she blew smoke from her lungs.
'In what way?' Severus asked carefully.
'It's as if you're not longer vulnerable,' Lily said in an almost disapproving manner. 'You hold yourself entirely different, you're no longer trying to curse the marauder's heads off, and they are hardly picking on you for some odd reason—'
'—That's because them and I have an agreement,' Severus cut her off. 'And also because I'm trying to help Lupin. Aside from Lupin, they might all be a bunch of thickheads, but at least they care enough about their friend to leave me alone.'
'Makes sense,' Lily admitted. 'It's just—you hold yourself so differently, Sev.'
'How?'
Lily shrugged. 'I'm not sure…braver, perhaps.'
Severus looked at her and formed a smile. 'You were very brave today, too.'
Lily snorted in obvious disagreement. 'I don't know if you just noticed, but I was crying because I was so terrified when I saw that mark.'
'Being afraid doesn't equal being a coward, Lily,' Severus said in an assuring manner. 'You still came running to help despite facing two dangerous people, and when everyone had left, you stayed with me, so I didn't have to face those ministry officials on my own.'
Lily couldn't help but smile at his words, and got a little blush on her cheeks.
'I'll never forget how disappointed I was that you did not get sorted into Slytherin,'said Severus. 'But I know now that Gryffindor is where you belong.'
'To be fair,' Lily said, her anger forgotten, 'you'd make a fine Gryffindor yourself.'
'Now don't start throwing insults at me!' Severus said teasingly. 'I'm not some reckless idiot like most of you are.'
'When I saw what you did out there, I'd say you were being pretty reckless,' Lily said with a twinkle in her eye. 'Especially with Crouch. How come you know about his family? Or were you just bluffing?'
'I've observed his son long enough to know that things aren't going well at home,' Severus lied smoothly. 'And it's not exactly a secret that the man is obsessed with his job either.'
They had finished their cigarettes, tossed the buds into the fire, and sat back down on the bed.
'I can tell theres something on your mind,' Severus said as he looked at Lily. 'Care to share?'
'It's just—,' Lily stammered, running her fingers through her hair in frustration, 'It's just that I still don't like not knowing all those secrets that you carry with you.'
'Lily I—'
'—I know Dumbledore knows,' Lily cut him off, 'and it does make more at ease knowing that he does, but I still can't help but worry about you.'
'There's one secret that I would like to share with you, although technically it's not a secret,'said Severus. 'I've had to think about it for a while whether I wanted to tell you or not, but I decided that it would be better if I did.'
Lily put one hand on his knee in a reassuring manner. 'You're being vague, Sev, but whatever it is, just tell me'
'Technically Erwin wanted to tell you this but, he knows,' Severus said.
'Know's what?' Lily asked, a little confused.
'Erwin knows about the war that's growing stronger in our world.'
Lily's eyes grew wide in horror. 'How?' she said dreadfully. 'Did you tell him or something?'
Severus shook his head. 'He found out himself.'
'But how?' Lily asked impatiently.
'Because he doesn't turn a blind eye to our world, Lily,' Severus answered seriously. 'He can sense something is wrong. He's a veteran, after all.'
'And what about mum? Lily asked, shivering at the thought. 'Does she know? And Tuney?'
'They don't,'said Severus. 'At least, for as long as possible. Erwin's smart enough to understand that if your mum finds out she'll have you, and me for the matter, pulled out of school before the end of the day.'
Lily laid down on her back in frustration, covering her face with her hair. 'He wants to get involved, doesn't he?'
'Remember how Erwin and Dumbledore were talking outside after mum's funeral?'
'I remember that.'
'Erwin joined the Order of the Phoenix that moment.'
'Oh no!' Lily cried, 'and mum doesn't know about it? She grabbed a pillow and covered her face with it. 'This is bad, this is so very, very bad.'
Severus lay down on his back and lifted the pillow off her face. 'Shouldn't you be more concerned with the fact that your old man wants to fight in a magical war?'
'Dad misses the war, Sev,' Lily said sadly. 'As hard as I find it to understand, I know he does.'
'He told me that, too,'said Severus. 'I hope to receive a message from him soon, because whatever he signed himself up for, Arnica is going to find out sooner or later that he's keeping something behind her back.'
Lily let out a sigh of frustration and held onto the pillow so tightly she nearly ripped it at the seams. 'Fucking hell dad!' Lily yelled to the ceiling. 'What exactly does he think he can even do there?'
'Apparently Dumbledore did have a position for him,'said Severus. 'So like I said, I hope to hear from him soon so he can tell me more about his irrational decision to join the order.'
All Lily could do was shake her head.
'I've got to admit,' Severus said with a grin. 'Your father would've done well in Gryffindor, if he had the chance.'
In a flash Lily smacked the pillow she was holding on Severus's stomach. 'Saying I got my recklessness from my dad, eh?' she teased.
'That's exactly what I'm saying,' said Severus as he grabbed the pillow and tossed it back at her. 'I think I know what you need to cheer you up a bit.'
'And what would that be?'
'Food, and lots of it.'
'Are you suggesting we sneak into the kitchens?' Lily asked with a twinkle in her eye.
'No,' Severus said, amused by Lily's immediate look of disappointment. 'I'm actually suggesting we go to the great hall and have dinner with the rest of the school like the proper students that we are.'
'Is it already that late?' Lily asked.
Severus nodded that it was. 'They're probably serving chocolate cake, considering today's events.'
'Chocolate's good,' said Lily, already looking forward to a slice by the look on her face. 'Chocolate always helps after anything distressful.'
