She hates the word beautiful.

"You're beautiful."

It's not the first time she hears it, but Asuka has learned the hard way that people always say things one longs and wants to hear. She has heard it come in a thousand and one forms; letters and poems and prose and songs.

"Beautiful, you're beautiful."

She looks down and remembers when those were the words she would always use to refer to herself, beautiful and imposing and attracting everyone's sight, be it by choice or by force. She remembers when she would have done anything to gain that attention, strike a pose and flip her hair…

Sleight of hand and twist of faith.

She understands it may be due to the combination of looks and personality, and people feel a natural attraction to those who are in control. She knows she stands out with her bright red hair and sparkling blue eyes and taller than normal height and white alabaster skin against a sea of dark brown or black, small statured, high pitched squeals filled with passive eyes and nervous smile with skin that is not completely dark (but not nearly as white) instead a peculiar yellow color.

But over time, her look of boys and men have come to evolve backwards. Boys for her are nothing short of slobbering, disgusting perverts, intent only on getting into her pants, and fulfilling every perverted fantasy they have about her, dumb little perverts who deviants to the core, who will gaze with lust at her legs and thighs and face and chest, thinking countless repulsive thoughts on how to debase her and how to pervert her.

And so she smirks at the love letters she remembers that professed undying love and wonders how long that would stay once she becomes old and wrinkled all over and her beautiful body has become but a memory of old glories past.

Or will they still love her if she were to be scarred in a battle; her beautiful perfect face forever marred with crisscrossing scars (and she anxiously feels her right eye), or maybe her body sustains damage beyond repair (and she cant help but feel a tingling sensation of web like scars on her lower back and middle and lower stomach, as well as on her left arm), and she can't help but wonder, would anybody love her if she were like that? A dried up, disfigured hag, good for nothing brain dead reject in a comma, rotting away on a hospital bed?

So when she hears Shinji's breathless words simply saying "You're beautiful" with awe, his voice no higher than a whispered thought, she can't help but fumble and flush, because in all of her life no one has even given her a compliment so true and honest that right now she is glad the stupid wedding veil is hiding her face.

She hates the word beautiful.

But somehow, when it comes from Shinji's lips, it carries a much deeper meaning for her.


She loves being free.

Being free to do and say, being free to become.

She's seen him in the past and it's revolting. The way his head hangs low, the way his shoulders lump and his feet shuffle as if he was an inmate marching to his death. She thinks that he feels sometimes like he's in quicksand; the more he struggles, the more he tries to reach for a line to save himself ends in him sinking deeper and deeper still.

But she has caught sights of him being free and pure, glimpses unadulterated of what lies below the pale surface of his flesh; he is powerful, and decisive, and prone to action. He acts first before he thinks and normally that's when she can't help but stare at him with eyes full of wonder and worship and gratitude and but for a moment she is the girls she longs to be, the one who will be saved and then will ride on the back of a majestic horse before she reminds herself that she doesn't need any one and screams at him, ending the brief spell that makes them feel so right.

But right now, as she hears him, she can't help but feel a small tear trail down her cheeks, seeing how he worships her, how he pleads his life to her… like an ancient knight vowing to forever stand tall, to protect her, them… the time he is living in now, and she can't help but feel a warm sensation rushing through her body and her bones as his realization yields something precious to them both.

"No matter how hard the fight becomes, I won't run from it anymore."

It's his voice that sets her free.

"I will endure."

It's his voice and determination what gives her hope.

"I want to stay with you."

It's the quiet resignation he mutters when they are alone what makes her yearn.

"Even if you can't hear me…"

His words are breaking her, and she longs to scream and shout and cry and throw her arms around him and never let go.

"Even if you can't see me…"

Because she knows… she knows that he will bring her back. At all cost, and without regards to anything else. He will bring her back. Because the fault was his and she should stop blaming herself. He will definitely bring her back.

"Definitely." He pauses for a second. he has no plan, no idea, only the will to do and fight. And somehow that's all that matters now to him. "And when the time comes, I'll be here to welcome you back."

She loves being free.

And in that moment, the moment he utters the final words, Asuka Langley Sohryu is free.


AN:

A while ago (actually, on 9/19/07 to be precise) I received a PM form Water-Star where she gave me a couple of ideas for "Love and Hate"; she said: "Hate" would be based on Asuka's issues with the word- Beautiful as it not only offends her but would remind of her classmates flirting with her in the past. However, when Shinji would say it, Asuka knows he's being genuine. Even if she was scarred by the Eva series."Love" could be either night-time and sneaking out during midnight with Shinji catching her in the act. Or it could also be Asuka enjoying the thrill of driving and being able enjoy freedom of making her own decisions. Of course it breaks her heart when she has finished her journey but with Shinji sitting by her side, going home doesn't seem as bad.

So all due credit for this chapter's love idea should go to her, I really truly wanted to use them earlier, but inspiration never struck, until this moment. Here's to you PJ, ich schaue dir in die Augen, Kleines... because, in all honesty, "Hate" seems to be the one that approaches her concepts the most; I have no clue where "Love" came from, but the words Shinji uses come from both Retake 0 (or is it 3?) as well as the parting words at the end of FMP's "Continuing On My Own" Light novel.

Off Topic. Formatting sucks. Don't expect me to go back and try to fix all those chapters until I hit vacations, or finish this story... as it is, the last two chapters, as well as this one and the last one will have ff . net's "new and improved" formatting.

Bleh!

Wait… does that mean that I have to redo al of this and the other stories chapters?

Sonofa-