Disclaimer: It all belongs to Stephenie M. No harm intended in any way. I am just lucky to dabble with them.
WARNING: This story contains drama, blush-worthy cursing, and lots of mature situations.
Chapter Title: Piecing It Together – Part 2
Chapter Song: "Never Gonna Be Alone" by Nickelback
Emmett's POV:
Thinking. It wasn't my favorite past-time. I'd rather be talking to a friend or playing a video game. Thinking was tedious. And it could get you in more trouble at times—just look at all the shit that happened because of Edward thinking too much about getting teased over his heart. On occasion, I might have been a jerk to him with my teasing but how could he have ever believed I would make fun of him for a serious condition like that? I never made fun of him for his stage fright shit or getting airsick on planes. I got airsick too so I just would have been making fun of my own self.
It hurt to know my brother had believed I wouldn't be there at his side, supporting him through his medical stuff. It hurt even more to know it was partly my fault. Maybe even mostly. But come on! I made fun of everyone. He really didn't notice that about me?
Alright so maybe I made fun of him more than anyone else. And maybe my way of making fun wasn't so much joking around as proving how much tougher I was than him. Maybe I was the shittiest brother on the planet. But I had tried to be better.
And things had been better—a lot better—in the past few months. We had an understanding. He teased right back now. We were good. And then he'd called me up and told me what I'd done to Bella. I'd wanted to tell him she was full of shit and just looking for an excuse for bailing on him. I honestly didn't remember talking to her so for all I knew she could have been lying. Except I knew that wasn't Bella.
When we'd figured out she had bailed from the hospital, I'd just assumed she was being chickenshit and was too scared of her own damn shadow to stick around. Yeah, seeing Edward all weak in that damn hospital bed had hurt and it had sucked ass, but so what? At least he was there for us to see him at all. Hearing from Ali how Bella had pulled away from everyone just made it seem to me like I was right about her being scared. Hell, I figured she might even change her mind any day and come around again. She'd have some apologizing to do to my brother, but I'd have been fine with it. I knew deep down she was a good person with a good heart; she just also had a lot of scars inside too.
So there I'd been, sitting on a bench at the gym with my cellphone to my ear and my brother chewing me out for being a cruel bastard while I tried to remember even seeing Bella in the hospital that day. I hardly remembered anything beyond how Edward had looked. I remembered getting the call from Dad, then seeing Edward before his surgery, and then going to get his shit out of his car. Everything else was a blur.
The whole plane ride to Portland I'd tried to remember, tried to force my brain to give me anything, even just a flash of Bella's face. But nothing came. Not until I was watching her flinch away from me. That same look of fear she'd had on her face right then was mirrored in my head, only she had bruises all over in the memory version. I'd really been in her room and I'd really said some awful shit to her. I'd made her leave my brother, the only woman I'd ever seen make him really happy and I'd drove her off. If anyone had done that to me, had taken my Rosalie away from me—my brother had every right to hate me.
And yet he didn't. That was Edward. Always forgiving me. Always being the kind brother. I never had given him enough credit for that, always making fun of him for it instead. I couldn't even tell him why I had acted that way with him; it had just seemed to be the way things went.
The only one more selfless than him was Bella. She not only wanted to forgive my stupid ass, she wanted to put this behind us without telling anyone else about it. She could have easily outed me to the family and they all would have come down on her side—which was the right way to handle it. Whatever reasons I'd had for saying that shit, they just weren't good enough. I only wished I could remember so I could give her that info, maybe ease the pain I'd caused her just a little. Because beyond her fear, there was definitely a hell of a lot of pain. I'd always tried my hardest to be a good brother to her, to be her protector even when she said she didn't need one. All I'd done was fail her. And while the idea of her never speaking to me again, never calling me her brother from another mother again hurt like hell, I knew it was well deserved after what I'd done whether I remembered doing it or not.
Her face … Tears didn't normally bother me. Girls cried. That was a given. But the broken look on her face, that shit had hurt. And I was the bastard who'd broken her. And for what? What had I been thinking? How could I have ever blamed her for something she didn't even know about?
The sound of a key in the door had me lifting my head out of my hands and slowly getting to my feet. Rosalie would walk through that door any second now and I'd have to tell her what I'd done. She was so damn protective of Bella and always had been. She was going to be pissed at me, which I deserved. I just hoped she could find something worthy in me so that she wouldn't just pack up and leave. I could handle the family being pissed at me but I couldn't take not having my Rosie. When it came down to it, Edward was definitely the tougher of the two of us, not only dealing with Bella being gone for months but going after her as soon as he was healthy enough. If Rose left me … I just had to hope she'd stay.
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Rosalie's POV:
My key wasn't even out of the door before Emmett was crushing me in his arms, holding on to me tight enough to hurt. There were only a handful of times in our long history together where he'd acted this way and one of them had been pretty damn recent—Edward's surgery. I knew he'd just gone home to see his brother so it was making it very difficult not to jump to the conclusion that something new was wrong with Edward.
With one arm crushed between us and the other weighted down by my gym bag, I wasn't getting free unless he let go. "Em, you need to ease up on your grip."
"Sorry, Babe," he muttered as he stepped back, worrying me even more. Em didn't mutter. He laughed his words out and gave you a shitty grin that made you want to hit him and kiss him at the same time. And he never had a problem meeting your eyes—those brown eyes of his were staring at the floor.
"Are you okay?" I asked as I set my gym bag down.
"Fine." He didn't look fine; he looked … Well, I'd never seen him look like this before.
"Are you ready to tell me what your spontaneous trip was about?"
He nodded his head and then reached his arm out, pushing the door closed and flicking the deadbolt with his thumb. And then he just left his hand there, like he was afraid it would unlock and open up if he stopped touching it.
I slipped under his arm, fit my chest against his, and nuzzled his chin with my nose, hoping to break him out of this weird funk with my touch. He didn't move and he was so stiff against me that it made my heart rate spike. "Em, I can't believe I'm actually saying this to you, but you're freaking me out in a bad way."
He finally moved, wrapping both of his arms around me and holding me tight and for a moment I thought he might be okay. But then he spoke and his voice was too low and gruff, and the words too unexpected. "I love you."
I pulled back enough to see his face and used the stern tone that he knew meant playtime was over. "Emmett. Talk."
He refused to meet my eyes and only gave me a stiff half-nod before leading me into the living room. He let me go so I could sit but instead of sitting beside me, he got on his knees and wedged himself between my legs, burying his face in my stomach. This wasn't my Emmett. He never acted this way—he never let himself look this broken.
As badly as I wanted him to talk, I could see he wasn't ready yet. I slipped my fingers into his curly hair and tried to sooth him with my touch enough to get him to open up to me. It took a while, but it finally started to work on him.
"I fucked up, Rosalie. I fucked up so bad. And there's no way to fix it. Nothing I can do about it." He lifted his head up and the haunted look on his face had my heart pounding so hard I felt dizzy for a second.
I watched as he lifted his hand up between us, turning his palm toward me and then showing me the back of his hand again. "All this strength right here and it means nothing," he said. "I'm used to breaking shit. I've always felt bigger than my surroundings and clumsy inside houses. But when I break stuff, I can fix it. Or I can take it somewhere to have someone else fix it. But not this time."
I grabbed his chin, trying to get him to look at me. "Babe, I'm trying to be patient, but you're really scaring me. What happened? Is Edward okay?"
Emmett finally let me lift his head and my breath caught in my throat at the tears standing in his brown eyes. "I'm the reason," he choked out.
"The reason for what?"
"The reason Bella left. I hurt her, Rosie. I hurt her bad."
"What are you talking about? We didn't see Bella. By the time we got downstairs to visit her, she'd already snuck out."
"No, I … After the car … I went to her room. God, Rosie …" He stopped talking and just sat there shaking his head.
I grabbed hold of his chin to stop him and get him to look at me again. "What did you do?"
"I want to tell you," he said as he grabbed my hand from his chin and squeezed it. "But I need you to promise me something first."
"What? What is going on here, Emmett?"
"I'm trying to tell you. But I need to know you won't leave me. You can hate me. Throw things at me. Ignore me. Just promise you won't leave me."
I had that dizzy feeling again so I squeezed his hand back, trying to focus on him and not the crazy pounding of my heart. "I won't leave you."
"No, don't just say it like that. This is not like the dumb stuff I do that annoys you. This is unforgivable and the only reason I'm even bothering to ask you not to give up on me is because I didn't mean to do it. Hell, I don't even remember it. But I know Bella and I saw her—she's not lying. It's been killing her to do it but she's been staying away from Edward because of me."
It was my turn to shake my head. "What are you talking about? Why would Bella think you would want her to stay away from Edward? I thought she was just upset with him about his lying."
Emmett brought my hand to his chest and I could feel how hard his heart was pounding beneath my palm—it actually felt worse than mine. "Promise me, Rose." He was begging. My Emmett was begging. He didn't beg outside of the bedroom for anyone or any reason.
"Okay, Emmett. I promise that no matter how bad this turns out to be, I'll stay and work through it with you." I made sure he was looking at me before I added, "Now talk."
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Emmett's POV:
I opened my mouth to tell her but the words wouldn't come. She'd promised and I wanted to believe in it but I couldn't. I'd gotten her to promise without her knowing everything. Even when I was trying to come clean I was being underhanded and I couldn't—I wouldn't do that to her. She deserved better.
"Rose, forget the promise thing," I said as I let go of her hand. I slid off my knees and onto my ass, running both hands over my face roughly a few times before daring to look at her again.
"Emmett, why did you make such a big deal out of the promise if you were just going to turn around and tell me to forget it?"
"I don't want you to forget it. But I don't want you to feel tricked either. I really screwed up this time. Bad enough that I couldn't blame you if you did leave me. I don't want to lose you, Rosalie. You're the best thing to ever come into my life. You love me, you drive me crazy, you put up with my crap, and you even make me want to grow up for you. I'm not the sentimental guy my brother is, but I know when I've got something worthwhile, something that can't be replaced. And that's you."
She looked nearly as scared as I felt and as much as I wanted to make her feel better, I couldn't; not until after I came clean with her. "Emmett, I'm not going to tell you again. Talk. To. Me."
"The day of Edward's surgery, I went to see Bella. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I picked that moment to go. I wish I did. I wish I could remember. But I honestly don't, Rosalie." As hard as it was to meet her gaze, I did it because I needed her to see I was being honest. It was going to kill me when the understanding hit her and the disappointment filled her blue eyes, but I was just going to have to deal with it.
I blew out a breath and started talking, hoping if I just kept going it wouldn't sting as much and it would be over sooner. "I told her it was her fault. All of it. Edward nearly dying and having to have surgery and all her failed relationships before him. I told her she was poison and that all she ever did was take from people until they had nothing left. And then I told her that if she came near him or me, I would beat the hell out of her. I told her if she went near him, I'd know about it. I told her I hated her and would never forgive her and that Edward would feel the same once he was feeling better."
Getting it all out at once didn't make it hurt less. And it didn't make it feel over either. I had just gotten to the part where Rose decided if she was staying or going faster.
Her lips parted but just as quickly she pressed them into a thin line. She got to her feet and I just sat there looking up at her, not sure what to do or say. She was looking at the window behind me but I could still see the disappointment in her eyes—and the pain. Bella meant more to Rose than she probably knew but that was only 'cause Rose hadn't been able to show it until after Alice had broken through Bella's hard shell. I knew all this shit, knew almost everything about Bella's past and I'd still said those words to her. I'd known just how to cut her and I'd sliced her up with my words like a man gutting a fish.
"Rose, I—"
She lifted her hand and I shut my big mouth immediately. "I need some time." That was all she said before going into our room and closing the door.
I scrambled to my feet and went after her—Rose never spoke calm when I screwed up. She yelled and screamed and called me well-deserved names. She didn't just walk away from me.
But the door was locked. She never locked doors with me. Never. No matter how mad she got with me.
"Rose?"
"Time," was all she said to me.
I turned around and slumped down to the floor, letting my head rest against the locked door. I didn't do fear but right then was the second scariest moment of my life—nearly losing my brother being the first. Although, if I saw Rosalie with a suitcase in her hand that would damn sure become the number one fear inducer.
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Rose's POV:
I didn't know what to do, what to say, what to think … And I couldn't seem to stop pacing around my bedroom. Sure Emmett screwed up from time to time and pissed people off but he'd never hurt anyone before. And to do it to Bella of all people. She acted tough, sure, but that was just on the outside. On the inside, it was always a daily struggle for her between the young woman she'd become and the scared teenager she'd been. Her biggest fear in life was becoming that girl again—at least it had been before Edward had come into her life.
Edward. The stupid idiot. Putting Emmett's opinion before his health like that and hiding a life-threatening condition from all of us … What the hell was wrong with these Cullen men? It damn sure wasn't upbringing because I knew Carlisle and Esme and I knew this wasn't how they'd raised their boys.
I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and flipped through my contacts until I found Edward's number. And then I sat down on the edge of my bed and just stared at my phone. What would I say to him? What could I possibly say to Bella? It might seem crazy to them but I felt responsible for Emmett. I should have helped Carlisle make him stay in the hospital but he'd been so damn surly that day and I'd known he was getting on Esme and Alice's nerves.
But damn it! Emmett was a grown ass man. I should be able to trust him to walk out of my sight without having to worry that he was off doing something stupid. And he'd been doing so well lately too. He'd been making small, steady changes since we'd moved to Boston and I'd been so proud of him, especially since I hadn't asked him to do it. Where had that more mature, level-headed man been that day he'd gone to see Bella?
Letting out a sigh, I pulled up Edward's number again and hit the call button.
He answered quickly, sounding worried. "Rosalie, are you okay?"
"Am I okay?"
There was a short pause before Edward spoke again. "He told you then?"
"After he begged and pleaded with me to promise I wouldn't leave him. Oh, Edward." Thinking of how Edward had been without Bella and her without him … Imagining what she had been going through all alone and silently … It twisted my heart so much that I couldn't hold back my tears.
"Please don't cry."
"I'm not crying for me. I'm crying for her. He hurt her, Edward."
"I know. But I'm going to help her get past it."
"You don't understand, Edward. You didn't know her then. You don't know how much she worries now about turning back into who she was."
"It's been years since she was that wild teenager."
"Not to her it hasn't. It's still fresh in her head and heart, and there are parts of her past that she hasn't forgiven herself for either. For her to think for even a second that she had hurt you … You can't imagine the hatred she's been feeling for herself."
"How can you know that? You haven't talked to her all that much lately."
"Because I know her. I was there, Edward. I was there when she was trapped in her own darkness, believing she would never get out of it, that she wasn't deserving of a better life. I was there when Aaron came into her life and showed her that she could be good and she could have good things in her life. I was there when he died and she was lost all over again. I was there when Alice came along and shoved her rainbows and sunshine into Bella's world and turned it completely upside down. I have watched Bella struggle to let out her sweet side for all of us to see, to find the bright side of life and not always expect the darkness.
"And then I watched her with you, Edward. She blossomed with you. She found calmness and stability and a future with you. She was learning to look forward to things and not expect the end around every corner. For Emmett to come along and tell her all she'd been doing was sucking the life out of you … She's tough and I believe in her so damn much, but getting past this … I don't know if she can."
"She's going to. I'm going to make sure she does, Rose."
"What if she can't trust you again?" I asked, drying my eyes with the back of my hand.
"I won't stop trying until she does. We have too much ahead of us, too bright of a future together."
"On one hand, I love your confidence, Edward. On the other, I feel like you're too optimistic."
"We love each other."
"What if that's not enough?"
"I'm not giving up, Rose. I know I've got a lot of fighting ahead of me but I'm not giving up on her or us."
"Whatever I can do, whatever help you need, you call me, Edward. No matter what time of day or night, you call me."
"Thanks, Rosalie. I appreciate that."
I could hear the smile in his voice and it brought a small grin to my own face. He really did love her the right way—every bit and piece of her heart and soul. He loved Bella the way I knew Emmett loved me.
Emmett. Thinking of him got rid of my smile immediately and left me feeling cold and unsure. "Edward, what in the hell am I supposed to do with your brother?" I asked, really hoping he had some idea.
"Keep him patient. Keep him from trying to talk Bella into forgiving him. She's not ready for that yet."
"No shit. I meant what do I do with him. Do I leave him? Do I rant and rave and yell at him? Do I ignore him?"
"There's only one question you have to answer, Rosalie. Do you love him?"
"I moved all the way to flippin' Boston with him. What do you think?"
Edward chuckled at my flat tone. "I think you love him. Even right now when you're struggling to remember why you love him."
"I just … This isn't some stupid prank of his or some annoying bad habit. He hurt Bella. How do I deal with that?"
"Rose, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to really think about it, okay?"
"Go on."
"You are not Emmett's mother. You don't have to answer for his mistakes and you don't have to dole out punishment for them. You are his partner and that means that while you have every right to feel bad and embarrassed over what he does, he has to make up to you as much as he does to whoever he wronged. If it makes your life easier to ignore him for a while, do that. If it makes you feel better to yell at him and let him know what an asshole he's been, then do that. Do what feels right for you and leave him to deal with what he's done wrong on his own. When he understands fully what he did and why it's so bad, he'll apologize to you and ask for your help—exactly what he needs to do with his partner."
I let out a breath while rubbing my free hand against my knee. I hated any kind of tension with Emmett, always feeling like we were wasting precious time in the only life we had. But this was too big to just accept right away.
"You still there?" Edward asked.
"Yeah. Just thinking. So where is Bella right now?"
"Working. I'm here watching her wait tables and talk to customers. I think she's been working so much because it gives her an out, a way to turn her brain off and not think about me or my brother."
"You make sure she knows how much of an idiot Emmett is. Don't you let her believe his words for a second longer, Edward."
"I'm working hard on that, Rose. And I won't stop until she really does understand she didn't do anything wrong."
"You better not or I'll give you that ass whipping you were asking for with hiding your health from us."
His laugh came through clearly. "Love you too, Rosalie."
"Take care of our girl."
"I will."
"Ok then. Guess I better go finish dealing with your brother. Love you and I'll talk to you later."
"Hey, Rose?"
"Yeah?"
"If you love him, don't give up on him."
I didn't know what to say to that. The man I loved had run off the woman his brother loved and here his brother was taking up for him. Emmett didn't deserve it—at least that's how I was feeling right then.
"You're too good to him," I told Edward. "You know that, right?"
"Yeah, but that's just my way."
Now it was my turn to laugh, thinking of one of Bella's frequent sayings about him. "You really are honorable to a fault. But you mean well. Just no more lying to her, okay?"
"Never again."
"Alright then. Bye, Edward."
"Bye, Rose."
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Emmett's POV:
The door opened and I did my best to quickly get out of her way and get to my feet. Her eyes were red and the thought of her crying all alone in our room felt like a blow to my gut.
"Sit," she ordered, pointing one red nail at the sofa.
I did just like she said, forcing my mouth to stay shut and be patient. I needed to be on my absolute best behavior if I wanted any chance of her staying.
She opened her mouth but closed it right back up, and then she started pacing around the living room. She did that for almost a whole minute before she started speaking.
"Everything you've done in the past is small. This," she spat, jabbing her finger toward the floor as if the wood had offended her.
"This right here is one major fuck up, Emmett Cullen," she continued. "There's no excuse for it. There's no … God, do you even know what you've done?"
I opened my mouth to tell her I knew and I was sorry but she was already talking again.
"Emmett, I don't know what to do here. There are so many sad parts to this. Bella alone and hurting and missing Edward. And knowing her, I'm sure she was missing you too. And Edward in Seattle without her. Though I bet you anything she was what was driving him to get better so damn fast. I always thought you were wrong when you said he was trying to get away from Esme and Alice as fast as possible.
"So there they both are without the other and then there's you walking around and talking about her being a coward and all the while the only thing she was afraid of was you. What do I do with that? How do I look her in the face? Which just pisses me off because I didn't do this to her. But all that guilt I'd already felt over not staying in touch with her and Alice feels magnified now and I can't stop wondering if I'd stayed in touch if Bella would have confided in me about what you did. And I'm talking in run-ons and walking in circles and I'm just so damn mad and hurt."
She whirled around, pinning me to the couch with the fire in her blue eyes. "You did this. And you didn't just hurt Bella. You hurt Edward and you hurt me. And there's no way in hell this won't hurt your parents or Alice and Jasper. Do you realize how big this is Emmett? Do you realize how majorly you have fucked up?
"And I'm trying not to yell because yelling isn't going to help but I can't keep control of anything. I want to yell as much as I want to cry and I want to fly home to Portland and give Bella the biggest hug and the sincerest apology."
"You can do that on Friday when we go home to Forks for the party," I pointed out.
"Really? You're thinking about the party?" The rage in her voice was only slightly less scary than the fury in her narrowed eyes.
"Yeah, but only because I'm wondering if Bella will be there."
"No matter what she's feeling for you or for Edward, she's not going to let Esme and Carlisle down."
"I didn't really think she would. Seems like she's always there for all of us."
"Except when you run her off, threatening to hit her. Damn it, Emmett! Weren't there any warning bells at all in your head? Any part of you screaming that you were doing something stupid and wrong?"
I wished I could tell her differently because I hated how much it sounded like a flimsy excuse, but I couldn't lie to her. "I don't remember, Rose."
Once again her eyes were burning with anger and this time she was pointing one of her long fingers at me. "You stay away from Bella until she's ready to be around you. I catch you being impatient with her even once and you and I are through. And you are going to counseling. If you were angry enough to say those things and then black them out, then there's something wrong and you are going to fix it."
Her eyes relaxed at the corners and her shoulders slumped a little. "And if you want me to come with you, I will," she added.
I took a big chance, getting up from the couch and taking her into my arms. She didn't fight me but she didn't hug me back either. "I'm sorry, Rosalie. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I can't even explain how much it hurt to see Bella afraid of me. And when she told me what I'd said … Just believe me when I say that words have never hurt me like that before.
"Anything you need me to do, Rosie, I'll do it. I'll sleep on the couch and I'll do all the chores around here. Whatever you tell me to do, I'll do it."
"I'm not going to make you my slave, Emmett. I don't want that. I just want you to understand how big this is, how badly you've messed up. And I want you to take steps to make sure nothing like this ever happens again."
"It won't."
She pulled back and the only emotion I could pick out of her blue eyes was fear—the last thing I'd expected to see. "Emmett, you can't just say that. And I can't just believe it. What if we one day do get married and have kids and our kid upsets you? You can't beat them up with your words and think it's okay because you didn't mean it and don't remember it."
"Hey, stop right there," I said, putting my hands on her shoulders. "I want you to understand something. I don't think it's okay. I don't think a damn thing I did or said is excusable. Hell, I think it's even worse that I can't remember doing it because it lets me put it out of my head but Bella can't do that. She doesn't even want to tell anyone else because she's so tired of not being able to get away from it."
"No, no, no. We are not hiding this. We are not making excuses for why you two are avoiding each other."
I locked eyes with her, needing her to see this was serious and not just some attempt by me to escape being in trouble. "Bella needs this, Rosalie. She only gave me permission to tell you because she didn't want you worrying about why I'd gone to Portland so suddenly."
"She's not thinking clearly. She knows stuff like this can't be kept a secret for long."
"I agree, but we have to let her have it for now."
"Why? What aren't you telling me?"
I had planned to keep Edward's theory under wraps until he knew for sure but seeing the panic on Rose's face right now, I had no choice but to tell her. "Bella needs as little stress as possible right now. She's pregnant."
"What? How? When?"
"Don't know the specifics," I said with a shrug. "Edward is taking her to the doctor on Monday to make sure, but he seems pretty damn certain. It was why I flew over there in the first place. He was convinced that she couldn't accept the pregnancy as long as she thought I still wanted her to stay away from Edward."
Rose's look of shock turned to one of hurt and she was suddenly crying, screaming, and beating her fists against my chest all at once. I grabbed her up in my arms and held her tightly, but she was so damn pissed at me she was able to get free.
"You don't know what you've done," she screamed at me.
"Yeah, I do, Rose," I said, trying to stay calm with her yelling at me like this. My usual reaction was to yell right back but I knew doing that now would damn sure end in her packing her things up.
"No, you don't." She made the words sound like a promise. "You weren't there when they told her she couldn't have kids. You don't know what hearing that did to her."
"That was a long time ago, Rosalie. And obviously those doctors were wrong."
"God, Emmett! You can't really be this stupid about emotions, can you? Having your only hope ripped away from you by a total stranger … That doesn't just go away. Not even when you do get what you wanted. It just turns to fear that it's going to be taken away at any second.
"Look at Bella's life from her point of view, Emmett. Look at how many people she's loved and lost. Look at how she gets about Aaron still."
"So Bella can be a little moody at times. But the pregnancy is a good thing, Rosalie."
"You really don't get," she said, almost whispering the words as she shook her head. Somehow this soft voice of hers scared me more than her yelling ever had.
"What don't I get?"
"Being pregnant doesn't guarantee her a thing. Pregnancy for her is going to be dangerous and there's no guarantee she will make it to term. Any stress she's feeling just puts her that much more at risk for losing the baby."
"I don't understand. Bella's healthy. Not being able to have a kid was the only thing ever wrong with her."
"It's not as simple as she couldn't have a kid, Emmett. To put it into simple terms for you, her body and her female organs don't get along. That's not going to change just because she's pregnant now."
I was trying hard to wrap my mind around this stuff, but I'd never been any good at science classes. "So it's not anything to do with her period then?"
"No. Her crazy periods are just another manifestation of the disease she has."
"Well, shit," I said, slumping down onto the sofa. I felt like I'd just been taken out at the knees by a linebacker.
"Finally!" Rose cried, throwing her hands up in the air. I knew she was frustrated with me but I really wasn't trying to be dense about this stuff.
"Does Edward know?"
"Probably not right this second but Dr. Bennett will fill him in real quick. He is taking her to Dr. Bennett, right? Because the last thing Bella needs is a doctor who doesn't know her or understand her."
"He said it was Dr. Bennett."
"Good." She let out a sigh and then pressed her fingers to her temples. "Jeebus, you really stepped into it this time, Emmett."
"I didn't mean to do it."
She lowered her hands and shot daggers at me with her eyes. "Not the right thing to say right now. For one, I already know that. For another, it doesn't excuse what you did."
"Nothing excuses it. I know that, Rosie. I just don't really know what else to say here."
"So then listen while I speak. And pay really close attention because I'm not saying it again."
I nodded to show her she had my full attention.
"Emmett, I do love you. And I want to believe so badly that love can be enough even in the hardest of relationships. But if Bella loses that baby because of what you did to her, I don't know that I can forgive you for that. I don't know that I can look at you every day and not hate you.
"I'm not trying to be mean to you. I'm just being honest here, Em. I do love you. But I also love Bella. She's been a big part of my life since my family moved next door to hers over fourteen years ago. When you watch somebody grow up that way, when you're a part of their life in both small and huge ways, there's a bond there that's so thick … I don't even think I can explain this right. All I know is that if I feel like I have to choose between you two, it won't be you."
Thinking of Bella and Edward … thinking of how I'd already hurt them and the pain they'd go through if she lost their baby … I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to speak in a strong voice. "I understand, Rosalie."
She nodded somewhat stiffly and then she disappeared into our bedroom, closing the door with a soft click.
I thought about calling Edward just to apologize once again to him but in the end I decided it would be selfish to take him away from Bella just to try to make myself feel a little less shitty.
I ended up making myself a microwave meal for dinner and then going to sleep on the couch. That was the first of what I assumed would be many nights of sleeping without Rose at my side and it hurt like hell. It also gave me a taste of what Edward and Bella had been going through, driving home a little more for me just how big of a mess I'd created.
On my third night on the sofa—and second day of silence from Rosalie—she woke me up in the middle night. I could tell she'd been crying from the puffiness under her eyes visible in the light coming through the living room windows.
"Rose, what's wrong?" I asked as I sat up to give her more room on the couch.
She just sat there staring at me for the longest time and when she finally did speak it was with a shaking voice. "You can't fix it. I can't fix it. What are we going to do if Edward can't fix it?"
"He can fix it," I said, putting all of my confidence into my tone. One of the things I'd learned about my brother lately was that when he set his mind to doing something, it got done.
"What if you're wrong?"
"For the second time in my life, Rosalie, I'm not wrong."
"When was the first?"
"When I decided I wanted a future with you," I told her.
"Emmett," she said, sighing and shaking her head. "I feel like you still don't get it. When Bella finds out she's pregnant, she's going to freak. And not because she doesn't want it, but because she's going to feel she's all alone in it. As long as she still thinks she might have harmed your brother, she's not going to want to let herself be around him. And the idea of being pregnant and not getting to be a mom … I don't know that she's tough enough to survive that, Emmett."
"What do you mean? She wouldn't like … she wouldn't hurt herself, would she?" I asked, struggling to get the words out.
"I don't know. I'd like to think she wouldn't for Charlie's sake. But she wouldn't be Bella anymore. And I doubt she'd stay in Portland."
"Where would she go?"
Rose shrugged. "Maybe to be with Bree. But knowing her, she'd consider that being a burden and she'd go someplace where she didn't know anyone. She talked about doing that a lot when she was younger. Just packing up and escaping, she called it."
"What the hell happened to her, Rose? Why does she seem so tough if she's really not?"
"For a lot of reasons. Her mom bailed, never to return or even write or phone. Aaron died just when she had fully opened her heart to him. Then that little fucker Mike Newton played with her just to dump her. And then the doctors and the news that she couldn't be a mom of her own."
Rose shook her head but it didn't keep me from seeing the fear in her eyes. "To Bella, her baby is the one person who will always love her and never leave her," she explained. "But even as selfish as that sounds, it's really not because Bella won't keep her baby if she can't give it everything it deserves. She'll give it up for adoption first."
"Edward's never gonna let her give their baby up. He'll raise it on his own first."
"You believe that. And I believe that. But right now, there's no way Bella can believe that. You didn't just break up her relationship with Edward, Emmett. You changed the way she sees herself and everyone else in her life. You took away her ability to believe anyone is going to be there to help her."
"She really puts that much stock into what I say? She knows I'm an idiot half the time."
"She knows you love her and she knows you love your brother. There's no reason for you to lie so therefore you must be right and she must have just imagined she was a better person than she was."
My hands clenched into fists and I wanted so badly to hit something, to take out some of my frustration over Bella being hurt. "All these people who made her think so low of herself, I wanna beat the hell out of all of them."
"You'd have to start with yourself."
"Don't I fucking know it," I grumbled. I knew it was shitty to do it in the middle of a conversation about Bella, but I couldn't stop myself. I reached out and grabbed Rosalie's hand, just needing to feel like she was mine even if she wasn't right now. "What are we going to do about us?" I asked.
"That depends on you, Emmett. You did this. You created this rift. And honestly, I don't think we can decide anything until we see where things go with Edward and Bella."
"You really won't be able to forgive me if they can't work things out, huh?"
"I don't honestly know, Em. I just know that right now, I'm not ready to make any decisions one way or the other."
"If it helps at all, I found a counselor. I start my anger management stuff tomorrow. Figured it might be a good idea to get an appointment in before we head home for the party."
"That's a good step. Whether you and I make it or not, you need to deal with things. You need to be a better person for yourself."
"When you say stuff like that, it reminds me all over again just how great you are. Sitting here pissed at me, and very rightly so, and you're still thinking about what's good for me."
"I don't know how we're going to get through this one, Emmett. I love you. I've always loved you. But right now I can barely look at you."
"Yeah, well, I've been having a pretty hard time looking at myself since Edward called. And honestly, Rosie, the fact that you can say you love me right now is plenty enough for me. Though if you'd want to, I wouldn't mind going to some couples counseling with you."
For the first time in days, Rose's face held something other than anger—true shock. "You'd do that? More than one kind of counseling?"
"Baby, for you, I'd have a different kind of counseling every single day if it helped us stay together. I'm not just saying things to make up with you either. I really mean it. I want to be a better person. Somebody you're proud of, Rose. Somebody who doesn't let his family down 'cause when my parents and my sister find out about all this stuff … I just want for everyone to know I'm really sorry and I'm not going to let anything like this happen again. I'm going to do whatever I have to, to protect all of you from my idiotic ways."
"That all sounds really good, Em," she said as she stood. "Once I start to see it, I hope I can start to believe it."
"I'll prove I can be different, Rosalie," I called after her as I watched her walk away.
She stopped at the bedroom doorway, her hand gripping the edge like she was using it to hold her up. "I really hope you do, Emmett."
I didn't know what else to say to her so I didn't say anything at all. I just let her go into our room and shut the door. She needed her space right now, no matter how much it sucked ass to be without her. I'd be patient, I'd do this counseling stuff, and I'd show her I could be the man she needed and deserved. I'd do anything except let her go without a fight.
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Edward's POV:
Bella didn't sleep well on Saturday night. No matter how close I held her to me, no matter how much I rubbed her back, and no matter what promises I made to her in the dark, she just couldn't stay relaxed. Even getting up in the night to have some warm tea didn't help her. And I wasn't completely sure but I suspected she'd woken up crying a time or two as well. I'd had the power to cause all of this but I didn't have any power to fix it. And I was getting a real clear picture of what it was like to feel hate for yourself—to feel what Bella had been going through these past months.
Despite not sleeping much, she'd still wanted to go into work this morning. She'd only had the Sunday morning shift and would be off by eleven so I hadn't been too worried about her wearing herself out. And once we were there, it didn't take long to see that work had been just what she'd needed. Talking with the customers and her co-workers took her mind off of everything going on with us and gave her a little bit of peace.
When she'd finished her shift, I'd taken her to Kell's for lunch. It was a completely different experience from when we'd gone there together on my first night back in Portland. Bella sat pressed up against me instead of the wall, and though she didn't say much, she did seem happy to be with me.
We'd come home straight after we'd finished lunch and Bella had gone to shower and change while I'd found a baseball game to watch on television. I actually had it on more for the noise than anything since I was more focused on finding a solution to helping Bella than on the screen. I was so focused I hadn't heard Bella come out of her room or come into the living room and nearly jumped right off the couch when she suddenly touched my leg. After having a good laugh over scaring me, she had positioned herself between my legs with her head on my chest and practically fell right to sleep.
I looked down at her and smiled as I kissed the crown of her head. A couple of hours had passed already and she was still sleeping peacefully. I hoped at some point she would confide in me about the dreams she'd had last night, but I wasn't going to urge her to do anything right now. Well, except for seeing her doctor but that was a necessity.
"Edward, are you listening to me at all?" Alice shrieked into my ear. I'd tried to hang up with her four or five times already but she just kept chattering away.
"No, Alice. I'm not listening. I've already told you everything I'm going to say about Bella and me. Don't you have something better to do with your Sunday than attempt to interrogate me?"
"You have to tell me something more than you two are talking. And it's not because I want to be nosey. It's because I'm really scared for Bella this time. She's never gone this long without confiding in me, Edward."
"The thing that was holding her back has been dealt with. For all we know, she could decide to tell you all about it when you get home tonight. But I want that to be her choice."
Alice sighed and then said, "Alright, Edward. Will you at least tell me if she's sleeping better? Jasper said it's been getting worse and that even holding her picture hasn't been helping."
"What picture?"
"Oops." Alice was probably turning pink and gnawing at her lip right now.
"What picture, Ali?"
"I am so gonna get killed for this."
"Just tell me, Alice."
"She has a picture of you guys dancing at the luau. She doesn't go anywhere without it and she holds it in her hands when she sleeps at night. Jasper's seen her with it a bunch of times."
"Well, she's sound asleep lying against me and she's got pajama pants on so no pockets. I think we can say that for right now, she's sleeping better and without the picture."
My little sister snorted into the phone. "Well, yeah right now. But what does she need the picture for when she's got the real deal?"
I found myself smiling and kissing Bella's head again, breathing her in. She smelled of vanilla today and I wondered if that meant she was out of her hibiscus wash.
Alice's voice once again reminded me we were still on the phone. "How's her cold? Any better? Is she eating enough?"
"Mother Hen, I'm seriously hanging up now. You'll be home tonight and can see for yourself."
"Fine. Love you, you stupid grump who won't answer my questions."
I swallowed back my laughter and said, "Love you, you bratty little sister who asks way too many personal questions about private matters."
Alice's tinkling laughter came through loud and clear. "Love you, Edward. See you tonight."
"Love you, Ali. Be safe driving home with Jasper." I closed the phone and smiled at it for a minute before setting it down beside me on the sofa. It felt good to be close to Alice again; it was also nice to not have her calling me a miserably lying bastard.
I looked down at Bella, checking to see that she was still sound asleep as I thought of all those times she'd only been pretending. Satisfied that she was still out cold, I pulled her blanket up to her arms to make sure she was warm enough.
I barely got my eyes off of her and onto the television before my phone started vibrating beside me. I picked it up and answered without looking at the screen, positive it was Alice with another question I wasn't going to answer. "Listen here, Short Stuff, I meant what—"
That was as far as I got before my mother's voice cut me off. "Edward."
"Uh, hi, Mom. Thought you were Alice."
"Sounds as if you two aren't getting along very well. Should I be concerned?"
"No, Mom. We're getting along fine. She's just … Well, she's being a little extra Alice-like today."
"Over Bella, I presume."
"You presume right," I told her. I didn't care how embarrassed I might get with answering honestly, I was never ever going to lie to my mother again. I had learned that damn lesson.
"How is my girl?"
I smiled at the affectionate way my mother asked after Bella and looked down at the sleeping woman in question. "Right now, she's sound asleep."
"And right there with you."
"How'd you know?"
"The joy in your voice. I hope it means you two are talking again."
"Yeah, finally. It's hard for her right now and it's probably going to stay that way for awhile, but I'm hopeful. And I think she wants to be hopeful."
"I know she does. I just don't know who the culprit is that had her convinced she was a danger to your heart."
I winced at that, not really knowing what to do. I had just thought about how I'd never lie to her and here I was already straddling the line. But this was for Bella and as much as I loved my mother, Bella came first. "It was a really, really big miscommunication, but we've got it sorted out now. She knows she wasn't the cause of my surgery and that she can't physically harm my heart."
"I'll be the judge of that myself this coming Friday night." My mom was using that tone of hers that just dared you to step out of line with her.
Attempting to soothe my mother and to get myself out of this minefield I'd gotten tossed into, I let her in on my plans for the weekend. "So I was thinking Bella and I would spend the whole weekend in Forks. We want to spend some extra time with you and dad. I was thinking it would be really good for Bella to spend some time with Charlie and Jake too. And I kind of wanted to see Charlie myself. Talk a few things over with him."
"He really likes you, Edward. Despite everything going on with Bella right now, Charlie honestly thinks you're a good young man."
"I want to be, Mom. I want to be the kind of man that Bella loves and respects. I just don't know how I'm going to get there."
"Have you asked her?"
"Kind of. I mean, I've told her I'm sorry and that I want to prove myself to her."
"Edward, dear, that's not nearly the same as asking," my mother said with a soft laugh. "When she awakens later, ask her. She may not know the exact way to fix things, but I bet you she has a few key ideas of what would help her."
"That's a good idea, Mom. I'll definitely do that."
"Alright, Son. I love you. And I fully expect you to keep me posted on how things are going with Bella. Oh, and let her know I'll be calling her later. I want to tell her all about the dress your sister helped me pick out for the party."
"I will, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too, Edward. Give Bella a hug and kiss for me."
"Absolutely." I closed my phone once more and set it down beside me again. And then I put both arms around Bella, pressed my nose into her hair, and just breathed with her. There was a twisting, bumpy road laid out before us, but as long as we held onto each other I knew we would make it through.
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Bella's POV:
"So the defensive team is the pitcher, catcher, first base, second base, third base, short stop, center fielder, left fielder, and right fielder. And offensive is all those guys but they just concentrate on hitting, plus there are guys who only hit."
"Correct," Edward said.
I huffed and kicked the blanket off my feet some. He was trying to explain all this baseball stuff to me and it was starting to make my head hurt. This was exactly why I'd always left the room when my dad turned this stuff on.
"Bella, I don't have to keep explaining. I can change the channel," Edward offered.
"No, no! Keep going," I said, not wanting him to think I wasn't interested in his sport. The least I could do was show some interest in it after all he'd been doing for me. Starting with letting me sleep away most of the day right on top of him. Though it had been kind of funny to see him race down the hall for the bathroom once I'd woken up and gotten off of him.
"Really, Bella, we don't have to do this. You can tell me about your call with my mom instead."
I laughed at that. Edward had been trying non-stop to get me to tell him what his mom and I had discussed since I'd gotten off the phone a good half hour ago. He was totally pulling an Alice!
"So how many swings do the batters get?" I asked, bringing the conversation back around to his beloved sport.
"It depends. If they get a walk, that means they had four balls and didn't swing at all. Or they could get a walk if the ball hits them."
"So getting hit and not swinging four times gets you on base for free?"
"Only if the pitcher's throws are considered balls."
I snorted at that. "What do you call them if they aren't balls? Peens?"
"No," he replied, his voice strained from trying not to laugh. "Those would be strikes. You get three strikes before you're called out."
"What's the difference between balls and strikes? How do you know which is which?"
"A ball is a pitch that cannot be hit. A strike is when you could have hit the ball, but didn't."
"Who decides if it's hittable?"
"The umpire who stands behind the catcher."
"What team is he on?"
"Neither. He's neutral. Like the referees in football."
I found myself snorting once again. "Yeah, they ain't always neutral."
Edward laughed a little too. "Not in baseball either at times, but definitely much more honest than in football."
"So how come you get four balls but only three strikes?"
"Because the ball is the pitcher's fault and the strike is the batter's. It's actually in the batter's favor."
"Well what about that guy?" I asked, pointing at the television screen. "How come it says a strike for him when he hit the ball?"
"Because it was a foul ball. It wasn't a good hit."
"So a foul is the same as a strike?"
"Yes. Unless the foul is on the last strike. If it's on the last one, then there's no penalty and the batter can try again."
"Just like that? Just try again instead of getting a strike?"
"Yes. As long as he's hitting the ball, he's still in the game."
"Edward, this is the most fucked-up sport I've ever come across. You'd have to be a damn math geek just to figure out how to count the damn balls and fouls and strikes and actual friggen points. No wonder you love this damn sport so much. It's perfect for eggheads like you."
"Thank you. I think," he said with a laugh.
"Oh, and I know the real reason you didn't play ball in school."
"What's that?"
I lifted my head off of his shoulder to look at him. "Because you would never spit in public and every damn one of them has done it at least once and the game just started."
Edward's face stayed perfectly blank for a few seconds and then his eyes crinkled at the corners, his lips pulled up, and a loud laugh started pouring out of him. It was enough to make his body shake and mine along with it. It also was proof that things could be okay with us if we worked at it. Everything so far today had been relaxed and like old times. We bantered, we enjoyed the quiet, we teased. For just a little while, we were making each other forget the pain.
"Hey, where did you go just now?" Edward whispered into my ear. His arms had found their way around me again, holding me tightly against his chest.
"It doesn't hurt right now. I know it's not gone for good because there's just too much of it for that, but right now it's okay."
"For me too, Angel. And I just want to thank you again for agreeing to start talking to me Friday night. We wouldn't be here right now if you hadn't trusted me just that little bit and I know that was hard for you."
"Yeah, it was."
"I know you haven't had much time to yourself to think about things, but … Well, I was just wondering if there was anything you knew of that I could do? Something that would help you or at least make things a little easier for you? I know that I want to be a man you love and respect, but I don't know how to get there."
I thought about what he was asking—really thought about it. The love wasn't a problem; if anything that had gotten harder to resist during our separation instead of easier. Respect—it wasn't that I didn't respect him so much as I didn't understand him. I got that to him his reasons for lying were big enough to justify it, but … But there just seemed as if there should have been a point between him and me that he confided in me even if he kept hiding from everyone else.
Was that fair though? Was it fair to be upset at him for doing that since I'd pretty much done the same thing? My reasons had been totally different and guided by the fear of permanently losing him and the fear of his brother, but I'd hid all the same. Although, in the end, I had confided in him. I had told him about Emmett and the words he'd said to me. Plus, what I'd been hiding hadn't been a danger to my health.
And that was as far into figuring things out as I got because the front door opened at that moment and Alice and Jasper came bustling into the house with a bunch of bags and arguing about whether or not fuchsia was pink. I tensed up against Edward, waiting for the moment they would see me sitting there with him. They would see me, the questions would start, and the headache would follow.
"Hi, Edward. Hi, Bella," Alice chirped. "Did you guys make dinner? I'm starved," she continued as she walked right past us and headed for her bedroom.
"Don't think you can use hunger as a distraction," Jasper told her as he followed after. "Pink is not an acceptable tie color for our wedding."
I heard their door close and then I sat up so I could turn and look at Edward. "What was that?"
"What was what?" His grin was equal parts sexy and cocky and I found myself thinking about kissing those lips of his.
But I asked him a question instead. "What was with Ali and Jazz walking past us as if nothing was different?"
Edward let out a low deep laugh as he leaned in and lightly kissed my lips. "I seem to recall you asking for peace, Angel. So I provided it."
"You really … And they … And you …" I stuttered, trying to wrap my mind around the concept of Alice really listening and giving space on something as big as me suddenly curled up with her brother on the sofa.
Edward laughed again and also kissed me again, just a little press of lips to lips once more. "I really like it when you're speechless in a good way like this."
I locked my arms around his neck and mumbled a "thank you" into his shoulder, too overwhelmed to say anything more. I fully planned on talking to Alice and telling her as much as I could, mostly so she could help me answer Edward's earlier question about what I needed from him. I just didn't want that to be tonight. Things were still too raw and confusing and I just needed a couple days to process before trying to talk about it all.
"Okay, so I am totally in an oatmeal mood," Alice announced, causing Edward and me to pull away and laugh at her randomness.
"I could go for some oatmeal," Jasper said as he plopped himself into the armchair. "What about you two? Want to oatmeal it up with us?"
"Why not," Edward said with a shrug and a grin. "It's a chilly enough night for it."
"Yeah, sure," I agreed. "Oatmeal sounds great."
"Ed, wanna help me fix these ladies some dinner?" Jasper asked as he got right back up out of the chair.
Edward nodded in agreement and then kissed my cheek before untangling himself from around me and following Jasper into the kitchen.
Alice plopped herself down next to me and I was certain for a second that the real Alice, the one who didn't let up without her answers, was going to make an appearance. "So I know Mom already told you about her dress, but, Bella, words do not do it justice. Dad is going to be a drooling mess when he sees her in it on Friday night."
I laughed at that while pulling my blanket over to share with her. "Esme's really excited. All of her kids will be there and her closest friends."
"It's going to be a party to end all parties. But on a classy anniversary party scale and not one of our twenty-something all-out bashes." Alice gasped and then squealed, grabbing my arm for good measure. "And wait until you see what I found to wear."
I groaned and muttered "fuck a duck" under my breath. "I had the forethought to schedule the time off of work but forgot all about actually finding something to wear to the party."
"Oh, well that just means we have to go shopping. What afternoon do you have off this week?"
"Just tomorrow."
"Okay, so then—" That was as far as Alice got before Edward interrupted her by calling her name.
"I have plans with Bella for tomorrow so you'll have to pick another day," he told her.
"Plans?" I asked, looking over at him. "What plans?"
"You'll see," he said, grinning and giving me a wink.
"Right!" I said, pouring all the sarcasm I could into the word. "You think you sing to me and provide me with a few meals and I just fall for that shitty little grin of yours, Cullen?"
"If I toss in more of those foot rubs you like, would we have a deal then?"
"Shut up and make oatmeal," I said as I forced my eyes to move to Alice's face. "I don't go in until two on Wednesday. Think we can do some shopping damage that morning?"
Alice gave me a wicked smile as she squeezed my arm. "They'll be declaring the downtown shopping district a disaster area by the time we're done."
I couldn't help but smile right back at her. It was so oddly normal to talk about shopping with her and to have bantered with Edward that way. If not for the sadness lurking just beneath my smile, I might have had a shot at convincing myself the past few months hadn't really happened. But they had and I had to work through the aftermath of it all. But I didn't have to pass up any chances to smile or laugh along the way—it was finally okay to feel a little happiness again.
After our dinner of oatmeal was over, I was feeling okay enough to talk a little so I asked Alice to come with me to my room. She was as giddy as if I was taking her to Neiman Marcus instead of just my bedroom. Before I even got the door closed, she had thrown herself across my bed, giggling and snorting while doing it.
"You are way too damn wired, you know this right?" I asked as I sat beside her.
"Time alone with my best friend is something that has been far too scarce as of late so yes, I am excited about it. Sue me," she said. And then she stuck her tongue at me, her green eyes practically dancing with her happiness.
"I'm just trying to make sure you aren't setting yourself up for a fall here. I don't have anything all that great to tell you at this point."
"But you do have something," she sang, wiggling her finger at me. "You were flirting with Edward just as much as he was flirting with you."
"What flirting?" I asked. I was pretty sure smiling while asking a question like that ruined the effect, but I couldn't seem to help it tonight.
"What flirting?" Alice scoffed. "You two were attached at the hip during dinner and so cute with your little mock fighting over who had more blueberries in their oatmeal. Not to mention the talk about mysterious plans and foot rubs. Things are a lot better between you two than they were when I left on Friday. And as much as I want to know how that happened, I will refrain from asking."
I snorted at her, but only because I could see in her face how much it was killing her to offer up her silence that way. So I did what any best friend worth her title would do … "He sang to me, Ali. The coffeehouse was packed but he was singing only to me. He got up on the stage at Open Mic and he sang all the things he felt and I was able to hear it. It didn't change anything that night, though. There were … Um …" I paused and bit at my lip, trying to think of a good word that wouldn't allude to there being anyone else involved in this mess.
"Promises?" Alice offered.
"Yeah, kind of. But they weren't necessary like I thought before. After the car accident, Kate teased me that my brains were scrambled 'cause I had trouble remembering orders for a few days after. I guess that was more right than I thought because I believed I was the reason Edward ended up in the hospital. I know now that's not true, but I haven't completely wrapped my head all the way around that yet. I'm still struggling to let go of that idea and all the feelings that came with it."
"It's okay if you don't want to talk anymore," Alice said as she rubbed my arm.
"No, I'm okay. Anyway … Edward and I started talking. Or at least talking about talking. He thinks we need to figure out all the places we went wrong so we can fix them. I'm not saying he's wrong. I'm just not ready to dive into it that deep yet. I need time to process the change in my thinking first. I mean, I've been sitting here thinking I nearly killed him for weeks and weeks now. I've been so afraid to go anywhere near him, afraid he'd leave us all forever but … But he says he's fine and your dad says I can't hurt him so here we are now," I finished, trying to give Alice a smile.
"Oh, Bella," she said with a loud sniffle. Before I could say anything, she had her arms wrapped around me and was hugging me for all she was worth. I'd been doing good up to that point, but her tears set off my tears and we ended up sitting there doing nothing but crying.
We eventually calmed down and cleaned our faces up in my bathroom before picking up the conversation again. "I can't believe you thought you'd hurt Edward. That must have been so horrible for you. And it makes everything else make sense now, like how I could see in your face that you wanted so badly to know how he was doing but you wouldn't really come right out and ask."
"I didn't feel like I had a right since it was my fault."
"I wish you would have said something to me so I could have set you straight."
"I couldn't, Ali. I was too afraid that if I told you, you'd agree with me."
"Bella," she said with a sigh as she put her head on my shoulder. "Maybe it was different for me since I'm not dating him, but I knew right away it was his fault. How could I be expected not to throw his heart out of whack with my enthusiasm for life if I didn't know there was a problem with it? I'd thought we were close up until that day, but to find out he had a whole secret side to him … I was so mad at him, Bella. I wanted so much to just sock him in the arm and call him a bunch of dirty names. But I wanted to hug him and tell him I loved him and that I needed him to be okay even more.
"Once he was in the condo with Mom and me, that anger I had towards him really came out. I called him a miserable lying bastard more than I called him by his name and for a while, it made me feel better to see him flinch from it. But then I just … I just forgave him and it became all about being thankful I hadn't lost my brother.
"I did want him to move in here so I could keep an eye on him and make sure he was really ready to be out from under Dr. Chris' care, but I also selfishly wanted to keep seeing him every day, to not let go of the new friendship we had developed while he was recovering." Alice laughed a little and rolled her eyes before adding, "Of course, with his new little sense of humor, I sometimes find myself wondering why exactly I wanted him around so much."
I smiled as I squeezed her hand in mine. "Yeah, he mentioned you weren't too crazy about his teasing."
"Or his complete and utter idiocy when it comes to you. Jasper tried telling him to leave you alone until he could talk face-to-face with you, that letters and emails could confuse you, but he just wouldn't listen."
My smile widened as I thought of that night when I'd been in his room in Forks and I'd nearly called him. "Maybe it wasn't so much wouldn't as couldn't. There were times I wanted to drive up to Seattle to check on him and plenty of times I wanted to call him just to hear his voice. And if I hadn't been so convinced I would hurt him, I wouldn't have been able to resist."
"It breaks my heart, you know," Alice said as she sat up and looked at me. "You two love each other so much and it's so real it's almost tangible, but you're so far apart right now. All because he was too afraid or ashamed to tell us he needed help."
I agreed with her completely, but I also wanted to lighten the mood to keep both of us from ending up crying again. "Don't frown so much, Ali girl," I said as I pulled her into a hug. "You'll get wrinkles and then you'll really be pissed at Edward."
My words got her to laugh and her laugh eased the rest of tension we had both been feeling. After that, we seemed to come to an unspoken agreement not to talk about her brother anymore because she started talking my ear off about the upcoming anniversary party and didn't stop until I begged her to get out and let me go to sleep.
But once she had left me alone in my room, I found that sleep didn't want me nearly as much as I wanted it. I wasted a good half hour tossing and turning in the bed while flipping my pillow back and forth to keep finding the cool side. And then I got up and went to get what I knew would help me sleep.
I was afraid if I stopped to talk I'd lose my nerve and slink back to my room to continue searching for the very elusive sleep I wanted. So I didn't talk and I didn't even really stop moving. I just walked right up to Edward where he was sitting in the living room chair, grabbed his hand, and pulled him down the hall with me.
"Guess that means goodnight," Edward called down the hall while Jasper and Alice continued to laugh.
I let his hand go once the bedroom door was closed, and after he'd tossed his shirt and jeans onto my floor, he crawled into bed with me. "Can we just go ahead and agree this is going to be a nightly thing from now on?" he asked as I curled up against him.
I hid my smile at his asinine question and said, "Edward, shut up and go to sleep."
He gave a low laugh and then kissed the top of my head. "Sweet dreams, Angel."
I still didn't really know where we stood, but I knew we were working toward figuring it out. A lot of things had gotten revealed and pulled apart in this weekend and now we were working to piece it all back together and see where that left us. It just didn't have to be done right now tonight. There was nothing wrong with cuddling in the dark with him and getting a good night's sleep first.
A/N: So there we go. Rose knows. And Edward and Bella are getting a little closer. In two weeks, we find out what happens to these two when Bella learns she's pregnant.
