"Suddenly Naked"

"At least it finally stopped snowing." She was smiling, like always, hands dug in deep in the pockets of her coat and her hair blowing around in the wind under the knit cap she had trudged up from the depths of some unexplored drawer.

If the cold bothered her, it didn't show beyond red cheeks and steam on her breath. I, on the other hand, can barely move half my body. The cold dug at me, at the broken parts of me, with a deep pain. It doesn't matter that it's warmer than the night before when the wind and the snow were raging and that it was close to the point of the snow melting. Forty isn't much better than thirty when you aren't dressed for the weather and all I have is this leather jacket. It's some warmth, but not made for these low temperatures. And Carly is wearing my other coat.

She's a few steps ahead of me, the spring in her step more than a turn of phrase as she dances around people and piles of snow and the puddles they make. Steam was rising from the streets where lines of cars were waiting for the changing of the lights. People were huddled together in fluffy coats like penguins as they took in the cold. People are just living their lives, another day like any other. But here I am, stuck somewhere between almost happy and wanting to disappear.

How did I get here? How did I wind up walking down the street, actually smiling for the first time in what feels like a lifetime as I watch the one I love most dance around, kicking at snow piles and beaming like she wasn't making a huge mistake? Like she wasn't going to potentially ruin her life for one carefree day?

I know the feeling, wanting to get away, to escape from the harshness of reality. But I don't know if she understands that there is no escape, not really. That ignoring your problems changes nothing, and sooner or later it all comes flooding back at you. That you can't escape your problems, no matter what you do. We all have to face the truth, but the idea of it is doing something to her. That look she had when she asked for this is still bothering me. I need to figure out what it is. But for now...

The dirty snowball thudded into my chest and crumbled down my jacket, my focus lost in worry and wondering. I didn't see her stop and make one and lob it at me, nor did I see the second one she had made hit my neck, bits of snow falling down into my shirt.

"I told you, no serious business." She was smiling wide, pleased with herself. And I was smiling too. Despite myself, I was smiling.

The people around us stopped, turning watch for my reaction. But none came, not at first. It wasn't till I took a step forward and Carly laughed, spinning on her heel and bolting away that I did anything.

"You are gonna pay for that!" I shouted and ran after her.

I could catch her easily, but something about the way she kept looking over shoulder, hair bobbing around and that smile on her face, kept me a few steps behind. She was laughing and smiling, and so was I, as she weaved through crowds and down a different street. I had forgotten this feeling, this happiness from something so childish.

But this is it. This is the feeling she's chasing, not an escape from reality, just a simple joy from doing something with someone you care about. This is what she wants her day for, and being with me is just a way to get me to play along. A sobering thought. She must have seen the smile fade away as I slowed, the joy, however pleasant, dissipating.

She darted right, onto a snow-covered track into an old park. The path was lined with the snow-laden branches of empty bushes and barren trees. Park benches were scattered around, the odd couple having wiped away the snow and sat together to look at the world that had suddenly turned white. I know this place, been here many times with Carly when we were kids. We would come in the summer and lie in the grass, cheeks touching, laughing and giggling as we told stupid jokes and watched the clouds. We had no worries, no real problems. Just each other, and that's what she wants now.

She halted quickly, spinning around and watching me, but I was going faster than I thought and was going to hit her. So I did what I could.

I scoop her into my arms, letting the momentum carry us for a few spinning steps before we stop, wrapped in each other's arms. She was smiling again, and so was I, still such a weird feeling as I get another hit of dopamine.

We staring at each other, looking into the other's eyes. They were the same as they were. She was the same as she always was, how I always saw her. Big chocolate orbs, smiling all on their own. The small nose, red from the cold. Her cheeks turning color, from the wind or the cold. Or maybe she's blushing? And her lips, full and waiting, her breath tickling my face.

My body acted on its own, no thought or waiting as I lean in and put my lips to hers. She lets out a small sound of surprise and I realize what I've done. I was ready to pull away when her arms reached around my neck and she leaned into me, deepening the kiss. Her body pushing into mine as we lost the world around us. Lost the snow and the empty trees, lost the people that were chatting about the two women that just came running through the snow. Nothing else mattered but us. We were here together, lost in another. No problems, just Sam and Carly, Carly and Sam.

She made another small sound and pulled away, breathing heavy and looking at me with wanting eyes. The look in her eyes, the warmth spreading through me. This is what I would dream of when I was young. The two of us, little moments like this. Something cheesy and oh so satisfying. Just the two of us. And it all feels better than I ever could have imagined, guilt or no. Shame or no. This moment was all I ever wanted. But is it real? Does she actually feel anything? Or is she simply on the ride for a day before disappearing on me the way I did to her?

She smiles, leaning till our heads touch, her breath warm and pleasant against the cold. It can't be just me. I can't just be some monster that's letting her ruin her life because it feels good for me. There has to be something more, she has to feel something. If she doesn't, then why am I doing this?

"Carly..." I whisper, but she shakes her head.

"Don't ruin it, Sam. Just enjoy the moment. Don't worry about everything, just let it happen." She closes her eyes and lets her head slip onto my shoulder. "Do you remember this place?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Do you remember what it was like, just the two of us under a tree in the grass, looking up and wondering what it would be like in the future?"

I hold her tighter, resting my head on hers.

"Of course I do. All of my happy memories are from you, Carly."

She huffs into my neck, squeezing a little tighter. Something warm landing on my neck, then another. She's crying.

"I missed you so much. You can't leave me again, Sam, you can't," her voice was rough and quiet, barely able to get the words out.

"I'm right here, Carly. It's okay." I hold her tight, the only thing I've ever cared about melting away in my arms.

No, I'm not the only one feeling something. For all the little bits of joy this gives me, all the little dreams and fantasies come true, it does something for her as well. Something about this matters to her, more than just a day without worry. She needs this, needs me, but why? It doesn't matter, not anymore. She needs me, and she has me.

We stood together, swaying in the wind and holding each other, for some time. Eventually, her tears stopped and she pulled away, but she grabbed my hand and never let go, and I wasn't going to pull away as she led me to a bench and we cleared the snow. We sat in silence, leaning against one another in the cold breeze and looked up at the clouds together, her hand in mine. But we should have kept moving. I learned the hard way that you always have to keep moving.

I heard the crunch of snow behind us, someone coming up and walking around the bench. I was fully ready to ignore them when he called me out.

"Oh, hey, it's you," his voice was like ice, cold and unnerving as it slid through my brain. I looked at him, and immediately recognized him, or at least that I had seen him the night before.

The cold blue eyes, the slicked back hair, the thin figure and the casual suit hidden under a thick coat. It was the guy that was staring at me in the club, the one that got up and left when I confronted him. The feeling that I know him from somewhere else is impossible to ignore. Carly snapped from her daze after he spoke.

"Oh, hi..." she let the greeting drift away on the wind.

"Who are you?" I ask sternly.

Carly taps my arm, thinking I was just being rude, not knowing I was tense.

And I have every right to be. My first day in town I hospitalized two men, both hardened criminals working for a crime lord, and a few days later I made a third one join them and pointed a gun at their boss. I may have well just spit in his eye as I led the cops to him as a petty little fuck you. I wasn't wanted here, I was warned and told off, and suddenly I see the same guy two days in a row. The warning bells had been rung, and my body was ready for something to happen.

"Sam..." she hissed, but I stood and met him eye to eye, ready for something to happen.

He stepped back, a nasty smile on his face as I slowly moved my hand to the knife on my waist. Carly must have seen what I was doing, because she stood as well, keeping silent as she kept close and put a hand on my back. But he didn't do anything. Didn't attack me, didn't pull a gun or signal for someone to take a shot, he just held out his left hand.

"I'm Percy," he said.

The seconds tick past and I slowly gripped his gloved hand for an awkward shake.

"Why are you following me?"

He shook his head, still the nasty smile. Or maybe it was just a smile from a nasty man.

"Sorry about that, really. The others kept talking about you, and I wanted to see you for myself," he said inquisitively.

"You know Darrow then?" I ask and he nods.

I have to choose my words carefully. They have proven to be a finicky, sensitive bunch and I don't want Carly to know than she already does.

"Yeah. I know Darrow and the boys." He understood immediately what I was doing, glancing at Carly and his smiling changing as he took her in. All I can do is grit my teeth.

"I didn't catch your name," he said with a friendly tone. Carly hooked her arm in mine and squeezed.

"I'm Carly."

"Pleasure to meet you, Carly."

"How do you know Sam?" she asked, squeezing tighter.

"Oh, I don't actually know her. I'm sorry, I would be more inclined to talk if I didn't get the feeling I was going to catch a blade," he smiled, his eyes were knowing.

He knew I had the knife, he knew my hand was only an inch away, waiting for something to happen. And I hadn't noticed the small steps take he was taking, adjusting himself to alter my angles of attack. Making it harder to get the knife before he could grab or easily slip away if I did get to it.

"Sam, you wanna calm down?"

"Yeah, sure. We're just having a chat, right?" I ask in a cold manner.

He nods, that smile again. The hint of sharp teeth, the narrow gaze as he looked at us. The man is a predator, a readied killer, looking at what he sees as prey.

"Of course. What else would this be?" he asks with a raised voice, hands suddenly out to his sides.

"Do you actually want something or do you just enjoy being creepy?"

He laughs at my words, loud and hearty.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so tense. I just wanted to meet you, see you for myself. I heard all kinds of great things from Carmine before, well..." He stopped short of talking about his death.

"You knew Carmine?" Carly asks, trying to keep things civil. She feels the tension, hard not to.

"I think it would be better to say I remember him rather than knew him."

"Hey Percy!" came a shout from the left, towards the road.

The crunch of snow and the huffs of effort as someone walked up to us. But Carly was the only one to look at who was coming. I was stuck in a staring contest with the man in front of me. I knew all the people that knew Carmine, or at least the few that he thought worth meeting. And the last few days, everyone I came across that said they knew him had been trouble.

Percy was the first to break eye contact, looking to great the new arrival. And I followed suit. It was Damien, the little guy with sunken eyes that had knocked me out with a bar stool and later drove me across town.

"Hey, we need to get... oh, hey Sam..." Unlike Percy, Damien seemed genuinely surprised to see me. He hadn't expected me.

"Damien," I said slowly, trying to keep eyes on both of them.

"Wasn't, uh, wasn't expecting to see you again so soon. Not after the stunt at the restaurant. Not cool, by the way," he said it all with ordinary aggravation. No sinister way about him. What I did had simply been annoying and that was that. But Percy just smiled again.

"Oh, I had to listen to Damien complain about that for hours."

"Hardy-fucking-har. Because having the police loiter around and being assholes was a great way to spend the day," he said.

"I told you sorry." He didn't seem to like my reply.

He huffed and swatted Percy's arm.

"We can't be late. So, wrap this up," Damien said, seeming nervous as he looked at us.

"Right. Right." Percy nodded and turned his attention back to me. "Well, Sam, it was good to meet you. Actually meet you, I mean. And Carly, it was a pleasure. You two have a good day." He steps back, still the same smile as he rubs his hands together.

"Bye..." Carly says hesitantly.

He makes it a few steps and stops.

"One last quick thing. I don't care and Damian doesn't either, but a lot of the guys don't like you being around. If you get what I'm saying, you might want to go on vacation for awhile." He smiles again as he takes the slow steps. "Just a thought." He spins and leaves without looking back.

I'm tense as I watch the duo leave the park, seemingly engaged in conversation. None of that was okay. He may have said he was impartial, but that man was radiating evil. And Damien, who had been rather level-headed in our past encounters, seemed nervous the moment he realized who Percy was talking to. Suddenly, the knife didn't seem like enough.

"So..." Carly muttered after some time. "You wanna tell me what that was?" She squeezed my arm and was staring at me.

I was still watching them in the distance, watching as they climbed into a silver sports car, watching as they took off down the street. It wasn't till they were gone that I took a deep breath and looked at her.

"What if we skip lunch and go see a movie?" I said, trying to skip past the question.

"Sam, what was that?" She was becoming more adamant.

"That was serious business, and we agreed to leave that stuff out for now." Another deflection.

"Dammit, Sam. What is going on?" She was starting to raise her voice.

I turned fully to her, putting my hands in hers, a calming smile. Even fake, it seemed to work.

"It was nothing. So, how about that movie?" I asked.

She searched my eyes, trying to find an answer, but she didn't get one.

"Only if a get to pick," she said and I smiled.

"Don't blame me if a fall asleep."

She smiled and shook her head. Arm in arm she started to lead me out of the park. I had skipped a bad conversation for now. But I was still on edge, and none of this was over. The bells hadn't rung this loud since Farah. All I could do was stay alert, and try not to lose my freaking mind.