Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. You're all beautiful and keep me in the happy writing zone.

It will be explained during the course of this conversation, but Tony has changed his address book designation for Steve again. Steve will now be referred to as HSBF, which stands for Hot Sexy Boyfriend. He wanted to actually put that in his address book, but Agent May said no.


Conversation 33: Director Snookums is Being Mean to Me

HSBF: Are you back from your lie detector test yet? What type of questions did they ask?

HSBF: Are you okay? Please tell me you're not at the Raft right now.

Me: You really have to stop assuming that any time I don't respond to you immediately, I've been kidnapped by Ross.

HSBF: You worry me sometimes.

Me: You don't need to be. I just survived Director Snookums giving me a polygraph on a machine designed to tell if Nat is lying through her teeth. But I'm not in Vault D so I passed, I think.

Me: This is probably revenge for nominating him for this job. He only took the job because he loves his country, but is afraid of the government.

HSBF: I'm not sure how to take that, but it's possible.

Me: Okay, I am pretty sure this was really revenge for forgetting to disable my pornographic text message filter when I promised Snookums that I would stop covering up talking to you with dirty, pornographic and expletive filled text messages about the various ways and locations I would like to give Cuddle Bunny fellatio.

HSBF: He asked you to stop sending those messages?

Me: Yes, when he told me about Friday's mass text message about us being together.

HSBF: Is he okay with us dating?

Me: He is okay with us trying to do a less than platonic relationship, but he is worried because my track record is god-awful. Although you still could end up with a shovel talk due to the Siberia incident, but I'm not sure.

HSBF: That is not reassuring, especially because he's now in charge of the spy agency.

Me: Really, Snookums just doesn't want to have to read my pornographic declarations, especially when he knows that they're fake.

HSBF: Why would he be the one reading them? Also, I'm glad he knows that they're fake.

Me: Because apparently you blush too much. He's the one reading them because, unlike poor man's Coulson when he was acting director, Snookums isn't going to put that on someone else.

HSBF: However, there are some things you don't want to know about your friend's sex life even though you know the messages are fake.

Me: Exactly, and I do owe him enough to not make him uncomfortable unnecessarily. So we're just going back to old-fashioned encryption because apparently nobody appreciates the brilliance of porn subterfuge.

HSBF: Clint thought it was brilliant.

Me: Of course, he would. This is a guy who won't even use his children's real names in text messages. Apparently he requested Friday to replace their names with Layla and Corey or something similar from now on.

HSBF: I'm glad the director asked you to stop because I don't want him reading that stuff either. It was different when it was people that we didn't know or Ross himself. This makes me a little uncomfortable and really glad Sharon wasn't the one reading the messages.

Me: In accordance with our promise to not lie to one another, I need to tell you that Poor man's Coulson was a dick and Sharon was the one who had to read most of the messages. The real irony is he didn't even know it was you. He just thought making her go through stuff like that would be a horrible assignment under regular circumstances.

HSBF: No more fake dirty messages. I mean it Tony.

Me: I already disabled the program.

HSBF: Good.

Me: Also, I sent Sharon a shoe basket because I'm not that petty and she did help with Laura. Also, I don't need more people who want to shoot me in the world.

HSBF: I heard about her helping with Laura. I'm glad she won't have to read anymore messages like that.

Me: Well, no fake messages anyway.

HSBF: Tony, I am never going to have text message sex with you.

Me: Eventually I'm going to wear you down. I mean we're dating and we can't even make out because we are in different countries. Telecommunications sex was invented for situations like this.

Me: I'm even working on a new 'toy' that I can control remotely from wherever I am, complete with a biofeedback harness for me. Think of it as virtual reality sex. I can't wait to beta test that on you.

HSBF: Not happening.

Me: You're no fun.

HSBF: Can't it just be enough that I want to kiss you when I see you again?

Me: I guess it's going to have to be because three months ago, I thought you would punch me on sight instead.

Me: Actually I feel like that was the case six months ago.

HSBF: Our relationship is really complicated.

Me: Extremely complicated.

HSBF: Did they ask a lot of invasive questions?

Me: Well, to get back at me for my oversight, Snookums decided to ask if I really slept with a Captain America plush until I was shipped off for boarding school, apparently for my own protection. Not that anyone told me about that.

HSBF: Did you sleep with the Captain America plush? Wait, did they have toys like that back then?

Me: Yes, and I think dad owns most of them. There is a giant collection of the stuff at the property on Long Island. You have to understand that pretty much the only normal kid toys I got to play with were Captain America memorabilia. Even though, Jarvis and Anna tried their best, I was treated like a little adult too often. Aunt Peggy actually got that for me and now I feel dirty.

Me: And no, I didn't do anything inappropriate with the doll.

HSBF: Good to know.

Me: Although there may have been an incident with a vintage Captain America Tijuana Bible sometime in early puberty.

HSBF: Ones about Captain America or one of the ones I drew to pay for art school?

Me: About your alter ego. You can draw porn and yet I can't send you dirty text messages?

HSBF: Because if your encryption is not as good as you say, it is your best friend and my ex-girlfriend's grandniece is going to have to read them.

Me: Excellent point. Feel free to FedEx me some of your artwork, especially anything with you naked, surrounded by rose petals.

HSBF: Will do. Were all the questions embarrassingly personal?

Me: Most of the questions from Snookums were, except for when he asked me if I was ever a member of Hydra. I responded with a resounding 'Fuck, no! They murdered my parents and Ana.'

Me: Deputy Director Jeffrey 'asshole' Mase a.k.a. Mister Patriotism did asked me if I knew where Captain America is.

HSBF: I'm glad you have never asked me where I am.

Me: I would love to know where you are, but I was worried about that question. Thankfully, he just asked me where Captain America is. Mr. Patriotism didn't even ask me about the other Avengers. Idiot.

HSBF: Apparently, there's a difference?

Me: Yes, because until Agent Scary agrees to take up the shield, there is no Captain America. I am working on her taking the shield. I think her new codenames should be Agent America. What do you think?

HSBF: That she might take that shield to your head.

Me: Possibly.

HSBF: You actually told him that you had no idea where Captain America was because there is no longer a Captain America? More importantly, the lie detector accepted it?

Me: It's the truth. You are not Captain America anymore. You don't even want me to call you Captain Sexy Pants.

Me: Which is sad because I really would like to call my boyfriend Captain Sexy Pants. You have the sexiest pants anywhere. You also look good in a shirt that is at least a size too small. I really want to set my tailor loose on you.

HSBF: Again, I prefer Cuddle Bunny. I am not your boyfriend Barbie. I can dress myself.

Me: Like the almost Centenarian that you are on your birth certificate. I can dress you up like the hot 30 something you really are. I want to get you into a suit. I want to get you out of a suit. Pretty please draw that.

Me: I also preferred Cuddle Bunny too, but I had to pretend to break up with Cuddle Bunny in my last set of ridiculous fake text messages. You're now Hot Sexy Boyfriend aka HSBF in my address book.

HSBF: If you're going to stop doing the fake subterfuge text messages, should we even keep talking to each other like we have been? Clint only talks to his wife in the event of an emergency.

Me: That horse is out of the stable and halfway to Brooklyn at this point. Snookums, Agent Agent, Agent Scary, and Agent Carter Junior all know that I am in regular contact with you. Snookums is counting this as negotiations.

Me: Actually, all of Shield's top brass, only Mister Patriotism is kind of clueless. Actually, Jeffrey is kind of clueless about everything in general except how to set up a good photo opt. He is also ridiculously needy for affirmation of his self-worth.

HSBF: Apparently, you found the new person to hate.

Me: Yes, but it's not that hard. I've never been very fond of the pretentious and superficial. Mr. Patriotism is very pretentious and extremely superficial. It's like he thinks playing the part of the superhero is more important than being one.

HSBF: Maybe we should reduce how often we are communicating with each other by adopting something similar to what Laura does.

Me: Except if I can't talk to you for a few minutes at least every few days, I may go a little crazy and approach the super villain threshold. Snookums is aware of that and has the negotiations justification ready to go if necessary.

HSBF: So the director is just going to keep looking the other way?

Me: You're not on North American soil. Or anywhere else Shield has carte blanche to get enhanced persons to sign the Accords. Seriously, the worst thing you're doing is taking out members of various groups that like to traffic young women in various African countries. Nomad is getting very popular with the UN.

HSBF: And Asia.

Me: It is probably best that I don't know that.

HSBF: Probably. I have to go. I'll text message you in a couple of days. I have a therapy appointment in like 10 minutes.

Me: Good. I'm glad you're talking to somebody. Write me in a few days. I promise to be good

Me: Okay, I promise not to build more murder bots or do anything highly illegal, mostly because apparently I'm being forced to watch Chopping Mall too tonight, but I make no other promises. I still say virtual-reality sex is the way of the future.

HSBF: Not happening, Tony.

To be continued


I would adore you forever, if someone would make Tony's artwork suggestions for me.