Virago (n.) a strong, brave, or warlike woman; a woman who demonstrates exemplary and heroic qualities.
Shiva doesn't understand that she doesn't have to hurt the undead, that I can outrun them just fine. I know she's just trying to protect me, but this is actually taking longer because I have to keep stopping. I wish I had like a trash squirrel string or something to distract her with. Oh, wait, my boot lace. That thing comes out easy enough, so I dangle it in front of me to tease her. "Whoa. You're like super good at this," I say impressed when she gets it the first time. If I stop and think how this looks, it's mental. I'm running around the forest with Shiva as she chases this boot string. I mean, I guess anything is possible anymore. I wish we'd get some aliens. Unless they're already on this planet. I stop in my tracks when I think too deeply on it. What if like aliens… okay, I gotta stop before I work myself up. Focus, RM.
I'll be real honest. Knowing that those masked people are walking around looking like the undead make me really nervous of the dead. I try to take into consideration what Negan said about how they like to use knives. Make sure that I don't see anything on their belts or in their hands. It's not just my life on the line, it's Shiva's too. She and I have lost enough. We can't lose each other now after everything.
I didn't realize just how far our communities were, but I remember that time when PM and I stopped for the night. Stopping isn't a luxury I have right now. Truthfully, I don't know what the heck I'm going to even do when I get to Madsen and Negan. It's not like I have some magic laser that makes everyone get along. But if I see my friends in trouble, would that mean I take a life to save theirs? I just don't know. Things are getting so much harder nowadays.
The night is so dangerous because I can't see a thing. I'm stepping in things that wrap around my boot and trip me. Shiva is startled by everything. I mean, I'm practically carrying her in my arms. "Get it together, you cute Cheeto. It will be okay." I really don't know how much I believe that because the sounds in these woods are really freaking me out. My eyes are as wide as aliens with some of them.
Thankfully, we only run into a few of the undead in the middle of the night, and a few really smelly deer carcasses. That makes me nervous. Like if all the undead are gone, and then there are random carcasses, what if I'm near that Whisperers' camp? I mean, I assume that they are living outside with the undead. Hmm, I don't really want to find out and hurry to speed from this area. It's giving me the creeps anyhow.
After several more grueling hours, I start to hear voices from people. Our people. I make my way from the treeline and see Madsen and Negan up ahead. Safe. However, Negan doesn't look alright. He's on the ground sitting Indian style cradling something. That's when I realize that Lucille is in his hands, broken in pieces. Her barbed wire strewn to the side like trash.
"You disgust me," Dwight tells Negan, appalled at Negan's concern over the bat.
"News at fucking eleven. Ask me if I give a fuck," Negan murmurs.
Dwight disappoints me more and more every time I see him. This being no exception. Well, crap. I should have just stayed my self home because Madsen is going to be pissed if he found out I left. Ugh, that panicked man that came back to Sanctuary getting everyone riled up like he did when Negan and Madsen are just fine. Though that doesn't mean that everyone is safe. I wonder if they will need help digging graves. I'd be- I let out a scream when an undead comes out of nowhere, catching me off guard. I put my hands out, trying to stop him from biting me but it's too late. "No," I scream as his jaw comes down hard on my arm. Have I been in disbelief this entire time to think that these things wouldn't hurt me because I don't hurt them? Or thinking that I'd be spared because they saw how I don't kill? Like there's logic to them or something. Or that they are people.
I feel arms wrap around me as a knife goes right into the side of the undead's head. The undead's jaw loosens from his grip on my arm and drops to the ground.
Madsen is so quick to kill the undead that Shiva doesn't even get a chance to help me. "RM," he becomes frantic. "Baby, where did it bite you?"
"On my cast." I look back at him, then lower my head to cry. "I feel stupid."
"No, no," he comforts, moving me close. "It's ok, baby. You're safe, you're safe," he repeats, petting my hair, though I think that's for his own comfort. "You're alright, that's all that matters."
I'm not alright... I'm a fool for thinking that these things are people and sparing them. And all the horrible things I've said to people when they kill the undead. I bring my foot up to step on the undead's head in frustration, but then I think about the time that the people at Sanctuary played soccer with that man's head, and it upsets me even further. Are the undead really the monsters, or have I been this entire time and didn't know it? I draw my foot back to me and sob harder.
"RM, listen to me. This area is very dangerous. I know that you're upset and I'm not saying that you can't have feelings, but I need you to calm down or you are going to draw in more of the dead."
And that just means more death. This sucks. I wipe my tears away as Shiva helps. "You're too pure for this world, Shiva." I rub my cast some, knowing it saved my life. I'm feeling very anxious about this entire thing. Where I used to have brushes with death every day because of the drugs, it's a lot different when it's completely out of your hands. "Is the war over?"
"Yes."
Well, I guess this war. There will always be war it seems. "Why are you guys still here then?"
He points at Negan. "Negan hit that tall masked man on the back with his sporting equipment and it splintered, then broke. The others have been trying to leave all morning but he's not budging. I figured I'd stay behind to make sure he didn't get himself into trouble."
That's unexpected, and that means a lot that Madsen would stay behind to protect Negan. That's when I hear Negan grunt. I look over my shoulder to see him covering up a hole with dirt. Oh, he must have buried Lucille. My tears start all over again because that's so fucking sad. As I start to go over to him, Madsen shakes his head, bringing me back. "Let him do this."
I lock fingers around Madsen's, petting Shiva softly. "No, don't eat that," I tell her when she looks interested in the undead. I gotta figure out a way to feed this trash squirrel. She's getting desperate.
"How is your arm, baby?"
I shrug. "It's still there."
He chuckles to himself. "Alright."
"Is Specs okay?"
"Yes, he did really well. Everyone is alright."
Not everyone. I frown looking at Negan.
He makes a cross for Lucille just like he did my animals. "I'm sorry I named a stupid fucking baseball bat after you." His hand goes across his brow.
"Can I go talk to him now?"
"Truthfully, I don't know. I'm not sure how he processes emotions."
Usually through meaningless sex and I'm not willing to help him there. "He needs a real lady friend. I wish Jessica would go shake those sweater treats at him."
"Be nice."
I pout jealously. "Whatever, you know you like them."
"I like your tic tacs."
My heart is so full hearing him use food names for body parts. I puff my chest out some. "They do take your breath away."
"Good retort, dingus."
"Those are the only kind I have." Joking aside, I know I need to find someone for Negan. It's probably one of those times when it really just needs to be Negan and me, but I know Madsen isn't going to leave me unprotected... especially in the state that Negan is. "Wait here, okay."
He gives me a nod, lighting a stupid cigarette. "What?" Then comes a boyish coy grin.
"You're in trouble when we get home." I mean it. I'm going to put him on damn coins for smokes, ugh.
Since I'm not really sure of where Negan is at in his mind, I announce it's me so he doesn't mistake me for an undead, but get no reaction. Instead, he's mumbling more stuff to Lucille. This sucks. How do I not know what to do for my friend? "Take as long as you need," I softly tell him.
"She's been gone five goddamn years."
"So? What does it matter if it's been fifty years? But I think that Lucille would be real sad if she knew that you were sad like this."
"No, she'd be disgusted with me… because I left her to rot." Negan pulls himself up from the dirt. "What are you even fucking doing here?"
"Well… I came to save you-"
"Go home, RM, before you get yourself killed. We all know you ain't gonna take care of yourself," he murmurs, walking off.
I know that Negan is lost right now, but he really hurt my feelings. "I was just worried…" My words fall on deaf ears. "Negan," I call after him, only to be ignored.
Madsen keeps me from running after Negan. "Let's give him some space. He'll come around, baby."
I hope so…
Things are pretty chaotic once we get back. Negan is still nowhere to be found, and no one knows their head from their rear. He's the only one with the keys to the kitchen which means we're not eating and people get really upset when you can't eat. "Madie, give me a boost," I tell him, reaching up. He lifts me up over the crowd as my voice strains to get their attention. My attempts are almost in vain, but it's funny how when you mention food that everyone falls in line. "You ladies back in the back. Go gather all the eggs from the chickens and bring them here. You, tall man, start a fire. I need a few people to gather those sheets of metal. That's what we're going to use to cook the eggs on once the fire is going." I also have some of the other people gather things like potatoes and onions that we can fry with the eggs. We didn't need Negan's keys to get silverware and plates. Those were in the cafeteria.
The eggs keep sticking to the metal, but overall, it's a pretty good plan to get everyone fed with what little access to all the dry goods and big kitchen stuff we have.
Madie and some of the other men went to hunt because they wanted meat. Whatever, eggs are just fine for me and most others. Though when they start cooking the venison they killed, it does smell good. Shiva got some of the deer which made me feel good because she hasn't had much. I need to get a book and see how in the world to feed her. "Don't eat that," I tell her when she starts trying to lick the eggshells discarded in a pile to the side. "These eggshells are for the garden, so we can get better tasting vegetables." I give her a full potato instead. "See? Isn't that real nice? Well, you can't taste it if you swallow it whole, dingus." This trash squirrel is a mess. I know that she can't survive on leftovers and potatoes.
Actually feeding her is exhausting though, but the good thing is we figured out if she eats an entire buck, then she's good for a few days. I get together a group of men and we all go hunting. Shiva always gets the first deer and then we're able to hunt others. It actually works out well without being a burden on our food. If anything, we have more food now being able to hunt every few days, which everyone enjoys. I'll stick with Raymond's soup. Which is sadly no longer a real thing anymore. But the ladies in the kitchen make me special noodles from scratch and I boil them in my soup maker. Or coffee maker, whatever dumb thing Madsen called it. It worked real nice. And every once in a while we'd find a cup of them on a run, but truthfully, the days of scavenging are behind us. It's all about trying to be self-sustaining within the gates of Sanctuary.
When Negan finally comes back, I follow after him to give him a report, but he's not listening to me. He even leaves his keys in the supply room closet door after he gets his bottle liquor from it. I'll take those then. "Negan?"
Nothing.
Well, if he needs time to be sad, I understand. I just wish I could do something for him. Until then, I will continue to look after things. Which isn't easy, but luckily, everyone just needs more of a nudge than someone to boss them around. It's not just people you gotta look after either. It's all the surrounding areas which everyone plays their own part in contributing.
Alexandria has the bread and flour making down. Community catches lots of seafood. The Kingdom has an incredible garden. Sanctuary makes biodiesel. The Hilltop has all the livestock. I make sure to visit with each community often to assure no one gets greedy and everyone pulls their weight. I know a lot of people thought Madsen or Simon would step up, but it's me. I never realized just how hard of a job it is. Negan makes it seem so easy. Always joking, always with a plan. Me? I'm just flying by the seat of my cut-off shorts.
It's funny how the same people who used to call me a drugged out whore are now calling me Miss. Speaking of drugs, one of the things I do is instill a drug recovery program. The turn out is shockingly large, but I'm so proud of people because getting help is just as difficult as the journey to be sober which even I have troubles with, but I'm going strong with a little over seven months sober now.
Madsen makes more coins for me so that I can hand them out to people at our meetings. We did a 24 hour coin because people underestimate how even a couple of hours off opioids feels like you're dying so that's a big accomplishment. I'm real proud of everyone and all their hard work.
I try and check on Negan as much as I can to make sure he's okay. Truthfully, I don't think okay is the right word. I check on him more so to see that he's still breathing. Every time I see him, he looks more and more like he's lost the will to live. "I'm here if you need me," I remind Negan. I actually tell him that every single day I check on him, but every single day is nothing but some blank stare. I change out his old food for his new bowl. This is another thing that's always different. Sometimes, he picks at his food and other times, he doesn't even touch the bowl. Which Shiva likes those days because she will eat the leftovers. "Alright, bye," I frown when Negan continues this sabbatical of silence.
I'm not even to the kitchen with Negan's tray and someone starts in with their crap. This is something about being a leader that I can't stand. And it's just more nonsense after that. By the time I make it to Madsen's room, I'm in a bad mood and slam his door with a huff. "No one can do anything for themselves. It's just a bunch of whiney babies! Can you believe someone came to me and complained because we didn't have their certain brand of soap? Like, I got bigger things to worry about like getting the water to use the dang soap in the first place. Bunch of privileged bitches."
Madsen leans back in his chair and folds his arms as he starts to laugh. "You are correct about that. Do you know what I would do when one of my mechanics would complain?"
"Put the torque wrench someplace uncomfortable."
"No," he chuckles. "I would tell them not to come to me with a problem unless they had figured out a solution as well."
Hmm, yeah. Yeah! That's real smart actually.
Being the one in charge is actually really difficult. It's more than just telling people what to do. And everyone always wants to fight you on everything. Negan has an advantage because he's this big guy, whereas a four foot ten ninety pound girl doesn't really help. Sometimes I don't have to argue with people, but I think that's because Shiva or Madsen is with me. All Madsen has to do is stiffen that jaw and people fall in line. When I stiffen my jaw, it just looks like I smell something gross. I gotta work on my stern face in the mirror tonight.
I haven't been sleeping well because I'm stressed out with everything that happened with that undead. How I almost hurt him. How I almost compromise my values. How easy it was to almost compromise my values. How maybe I'm not making the right decision. I just don't know anymore. Everything, to me, used to be so black and white. Now it seems like there are shades of green. Or, crap, what colors do black and white crayons make? Whatever, it doesn't matter.
Madsen presses his lips to the back of my shoulder. "What's wrong? You've been tossing and turning all night."
"I have awful thoughts going through my mind."
"Talk to me." He runs his fingers up and down my arm.
It makes me thankful not to have that cast so I can feel his touch. "You, out of anyone, know how I feel about murder. When that undead bit me, I wanted to step on his head. I was going to do it… but then I started to wonder who the monster really was."
"RM, I know they resemble people, but that is the only similarity. Do you remember that time the gas station was out of your cheese chips so I purchased them at the 99 cent store?"
Ugh, I'll never forget that fatal mistake. "Those had hardly any cheese dust on them. Imposters. Just a sorry stale excuse for snacking."
"But they looked identical."
I see what he's saying. He knows just how to say his words so I'll understand them. Still, I just feel guilty because this delves deeper than discount food. "But they're not chips. They're people."
"They are not people, RM. They cannot be reasoned with because they lack the ability too. If not for the cast, the bite would have been mortal, and that thing would be on to the next person, or perhaps even the tiger."
Shiva groans from her cage.
I can't think of that cute Cheeto in pain. It hurts too much.
"No one can tell you how to feel, RM. That is your decision how you perceive the dead. But, I can assure you without fail how they discern you."
It's not at all what I want to hear, but he's being honest with me about them. I know that Cheetos and undead are two entirely different things, but it gives me some insight and I'm able to get some sleep because I've got a busy day tomorrow.
It took people a while to adjust to the changes, but I'm finally earning the respect of the people. No more Madsen tightening his jaw behind me or me trying to thrown Negan's name around. When I say something, people move it. I mean, I guess you have to when the punishment is no dinner. People are oddly motivated by food.
I'm not keeping track of time to throw it in Negan's face, I'm just curious how long it's been. Almost three months. I cross another day off my calendar and sigh. I'm so worried for my friend. Ever since Lucille broke, so is he. "Can you die from being too sad, Madsen?"
"I don't believe so. However, being depressed can lead to someone taking their life. Or even the anxiety of being sad can cause complications. It's never good to be under that much stress."
"I just don't know. It's not like I can replace Lucille. Or go get him another one."
"RM, Negan's pain delves a lot further than that. He didn't grieve his wife, and he never buried her which he harbors extreme guilt for."
Dang, I've been friends with Negan for like a lot of years and I didn't figure that out. Madsen had a conversation with Negan for 5 minutes at the dumb beach and figured it out. "I'll be back later." Everyone is fed for now so that should buy me some time. People get so hangry, I swear.
I knock softly on Negan's door but it's more to let him know I'm coming in because he sure never wants to let me in. Every time I go inside, it's worse than the previous day. The room is dank and it smells like old socks. It's so still, it gives an eerie vibe as my boots echo on his floor. I tug at Negan's dingy no longer white undershirt. This reminds me of when I came home from the Kingdom and he was so broken. Except, he's not even drinking. He's just laying on sweaty stained sheets. "Negan?" I place my hand on his back so I can at least tell if he's breathing. "What can I do?" I have a seat, pushing on his eyelids to see if they'll open. Part of me expected a 'stop, bitch,' but he's so lifeless. And when I do get a reaction out of him, it's awful.
"She's gone," he sobs, slamming his eyes shut like they'll keep the tears from falling.
"...but… she's been gone for a while," I frown. This could very well be me if something ever happened to Madsen, so I don't fault him for being this upset, and everyone grieves differently. "I've been taking care of things real nice for you whenever you're ready to come back." That doesn't get a reaction from him as he continues to cry. Seeing Negan this vulnerable is awful. "Negan?" I've got to figure out some way to heal Negan. To get him out of this funk. For as long as I've known him, he's never been one to feel sorry for himself. Nor is he one to lay around in bed all day. If I think about back to when Negan and I first met and I was one of his wives, it was me that couldn't get off the floor and it was him that pulled me from that. That's what I have to do. I have to be the strong one like he was for me. "Bitch, get up. I have an idea…"
A/N RM being bitten wasn't to scare you or to add drama. There is a panel in the comics where Negan actually gets bit on the arm but his leather jacket saves him. RM being bitten parallels that panel, but her feelings towards it also helps shape her for the next chapter because there is a very controversial decision that she is faced with. Two more chapters left!
