AN ~ sorry it took so long (again) I'm so busy! oh well, can't say I didn't warn you I guess. Damn year 11! so much work!

anyway: I felt kind of mean this chapter. Oh I'm cruel!

Disclaimer: BD is not mine :(

Chapter Fifty One: Cracks Begin to Show

Esme:

Carlisle stared deep into my eyes, slowly taking my hands in his and bringing them together between us.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "Esme, I'm so sorry."

I trembled. Seeing Carlisle so afraid, so sad, so broken made me feel vulnerable. If he'd just fought a battle, I might understand, but a medical problem? One 'easily dealt with,' too, apparently. I must have missed something-

Oh God.

No.

"Bella is pregnant, Esme," Carlisle explained solemnly. "It seems to me that the safest option for all of us is to abort the pregnancy before it goes too far."

A baby. Bella's having a baby and he wants to take it away? I whimpered, unable to decide how to react.

"Esme, I'm sorry," he repeated. "I wouldn't do this if there were another way. You know I wouldn't. Bella is in danger, though, and there's nothing else I can do. I need you to trust my judgement and forgive me for what I have to do. Please forgive me, Esme."

When I didn't respond, he drew me close to his chest, his arms wrapped firmly around me, and rocked gently from side to side. Memories flashed through my head; slightly blurred, choppy, static like an old film.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," the nameless, faceless doctor from my human memory told me. "There's nothing else we can do. I think we're going to lose him."

By the next morning, my son was dead. I remembered holding his tiny, lifeless body in my hands, screaming for the nurses because I refused to acknowledge that he was past all help.

I sobbed into Carlisle's chest, and my pain quickly swelled into rage. I shoved him away and he complied.

"Forgive me?" he murmured again, desperately this time. Those words set a flame to my fury.

"FORGIVE YOU?" I roared. "How can I forgive you for this! How can you possibly convince me that this is okay! It's a baby you're talking about, Carlisle, not an infection! How can you even think of destroying it? It is no better than murder!" His face contorted, hurt and concerned, and he started towards me. I crouched, baring my teeth, and he stopped.

"Carlisle," I continued in a soft, chillingly dark voice. "We've both had to kill for this family before, and I've had my fair share of slips. For all that and as many mistakes as you'll ever make, I happily grant my forgiveness. But the day; no, the very instant you become a willing murderer - of an unborn child, no less - I will walk out of here and never return. I will never forgive you. It will break my heart, but I'll do it."

Silence met my words. Deathly silence, through the whole house. I took a deep, shuddering breath, and Carlisle sighed heavily. After a long moment, he finally looked up from the patch of carpet between us.

"Esme," he managed at last, "I don't know what else to do. Bella shouldn't have to die. Not like this." Carlisle struggled to contain himself. He dragged a hand through his hair and paced anxiously. "She's a good person Esme. It's not fair to let her die like this. Bella deserves a better death."

"Better than what? Bringing a new life into the world? Giving birth to a child - is there a better way to die?"

Carlisle threw his arms into the air.

"It's not a child Esme!" he was almost yelling now; torn between his duties, desperate to make me understand. "It's a monster! It's going to kill her, before it even gets to full term. That - thing - inside her is stealing her body's nutrition. She can't keep up! It'll suck her dry! I cannot - I can not stand by and let that happen! Not now, after all we've been through. And certainly not to her."

I bit my lip, whimpering at the emptiness I suddenly felt. Carlisle had heard my ultimatum. He knew what his decision meant. How could he choose that path?

"What's happened to you?" I demanded.

"What's happened to me?" Carlisle's eyes widened. "Esme, what's happened to you? This is Bella we're talking about! She's a part of this family - she has been for a long time now. If we can't protect our family, what are we?"

"I should ask you the same question. I'm frightened, Carlisle. I've never known you to be so...heartless!"

"Esme-"

I had already slammed the door, cutting him off as I bolted down the stairs, my head in my hands. This is not right. Carlisle wouldn't do that. He wouldn't hurt me, he wouldn't kill a child and he would never, ever, put someone else above me. Even if it was Bella. He wouldn't. He couldn't. Not my Carlisle, not the man I fell in love with. Like he said; he would protect his family, no matter what the cost, no matter how difficult it was. No matter what he had to do, he'd find a way. That's just the kind of man he is.

That's just what he's trying to do. Oh, Carlisle, I'm sorry. How could I be so careless? So ignorant of his feelings? He's wrong...so wrong...but he's only trying. Of course he's thought about this! About how Bella will feel, how I will feel. Carlisle loves us all so much that he was willing to risk this fight with me. He must have seen it coming. He didn't want it; that's why he tried to avoid my question!

"Esme, I'm sorry...I don't know what else to do...forgive me"

"FORGIVE YOU? How can I forgive you for this!...What's happened to you?...I've never known you to be so heartless!"

I didn't feel myself trip until I hit the ground. I didn't bother to get up again. I just sat there and cried. What have I done?

.o.o.o.

Carlisle:

"Esme-"

The sentence died in my throat as I found I was talking to the wood of my door. It was hanging on one hinge, and it only took a light tap to get it open. My legs were shaking as I slowly, robotically made my way down the stairs. Rosalie and Emmett weren't there. Jasper was watching me with a solemn but sympathetic expression, unsure of whether or not to say anything. Alice had both hands over her mouth, and was quivering slightly as she came over to me, light and nimble but flighty and nervous.

"Carlisle," she whimpered, hugging me tightly, pinning my limp arms to my sides. "Everything's going to be okay, right?"

I glanced at Jasper as Alice buried her nose into my chest.

"Dad?" she asked softly. I pried my arms from her grasp and wrapped them around her, half-carrying her to the lounge. She refused to let go of me.

"I'm trying, Alice sweetie," I promised gently. "This is more complicated than I had thought."

Suddenly, Alice bolted upright. Her gaze fixed on the doorway from the kitchen. A moment later, Rosalie came storming through it.

"CARLISLE CULLEN!" she screeched, shaking a cell-phone at me accusingly. "HOW DARE YOU? YOU MONSTER! YOU CALLOUS, COLD-HEARTED BASTARD!"

"Rosalie," Jasper admonished, dispelling his sister's anger for her. Rosalie hissed through clenched teeth.

"Don't play your games with me," she hissed before returning her attention to me. "You too - enough! You're a fake! You like to pretend this is a democracy, don't you? Sounds pretty damn corrupt to me! Edward comes running to you over some problem and off we go. A click of his fingers and you fix his every problem! He's got you wrapped around his little finger, hasn't he?"

"I've done a lot to help you in the past," I pointed out, "this is Edward's time of need. It's only fair we offer him assistance."

"And what about Bella, hmm? I'd say this is her time of need. You're a doctor - shouldn't you be tending to your patient, instead of strapping her down and removing the 'problem'?"

"I never said anything about strapping her down. I actually have no idea what Bella's opinion is of this whole matter. All I know is that she's scared and this thing could quite possibly kill her."

I lowered my eyes from Rosalie's face as the pain on Esme's face, in her voice, flashed through my head. I'd never seen her that wounded...or that mad with me. Not even when I'd tried to hide what was going on in Seattle. There was hatredin her eyes. True, heart-felt hatred. For me.

"That's right, feel bad," Rosalie sneered. "You have good reason. Where's Esme?"

She looked around at our faces, expecting someone to answer her. I didn't have the heart to. After an unnaturally long silence, Jasper finally did.

"You missed quite the argument," he explained. "Esme...left."

"Oh...Oh my God, Carlisle, I'm so sorry," she backtracked quickly. "I swear, I-"

I held up a hand.

"Rose, it's okay. You weren't to know. And you're right; taking Bella's child away without her consent would be hideously cruel of me. I underestimated the effect this whole event would have on the rest of the family, and I'm sorry for that."

"You should go find Esme," Alice recommended quietly.

.o.o.o.

I found Esme in the forest, very far away from home. She had her legs drawn up to her chest, her head resting on her knees. She must have heard my approach; she looked up as I came towards her, and locked her forlorn eyes on mine.

"I'm sorry," she mouthed as I settled in the dirt and rotting leaves beside her, and drew her into my arms.

"I'm sorry too, sweetheart," I murmured into her hair.

"I didn't mean what I said, Carlisle," she promised in a teary voice, wrapping her arms around my torso. "You're not heartless. You couldn't be if you tried. You scared me, though; you were so..."

I grimaced, not needing her to finish that sentence.

"I wasn't myself. I shouldn't have yelled at you," I apologised. "I was scared. I wanted - no, needed you to understand."

"I do," she choked. "But it's still not right."

"I know that," I replied softly. "I promise you; if Bella wants to keep her...baby...I will manage her condition to the best of my ability and see what can be done. I doubt it will turn out well, but I will not give up."

Esme pressed her forehead into my chest.

"Thank you," she sighed.

My cell vibrated, making both of us jump. With Esme leaning over my shoulder, I flicked it open to reveal the message.

Alice:

Ed + Belz plane landed. Home soon. PS - glad u + mom made up :D

Esme giggled.

"Come on; we'd better not keep her waiting. No doubt she wants to throw us a party."

She laughed warmly at our daughter's antics and skipped off for home. I was about to follow when a new message flashed onto my screen.

Edward:

CARLISLE!