Chapter Forty-Eight

"There comes a point when it all becomes too much, when we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That's when the real work begins… To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all." –Meredith Grey


Meredith Grey couldn't cry anymore.

She wasn't sure she had any tears left. And she was exhausted… absolutely exhausted. All the therapy sessions, the flashbacks, the anxiety from keeping too many secrets… trying to fix other people's problems… trying to deal with so many of her own… And Lexie, god she missed Lexie. She didn't know how to move forward, not when it hurt so much to look back. So instead, she closed her eyes and rested against Derek. She could hear his heart beating, steady and strong. She tried to concentrate on that. She was tired of running from him. Now she just wanted to follow him home, back to some semblance of a normal life. But that... that still seemed so far away.

"I never got to say goodbye."

She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. Besides the actual loss, that was the most painful part. What would she have said? Would she have been able to express just how much Lexie meant to her? How happy she was that she'd become a big sister?

It no longer mattered. Her chance had slipped away and there was no going back. All she could do was acknowledge her mistakes and accept responsibility. She couldn't blame Derek… she couldn't blame the pilot, or the mechanics or anyone else. This was on her. She'd chosen to leave her sister behind.

"I screwed up so badly…" she sighed. "I should have been there for her."

"You were there for her," Derek rubbed her back. "You were there for her in so many ways that you never even saw."

"Maybe I just wasn't supposed to be someone's sister..." Meredith's voice broke again. She'd desperately wanted to be good at that role, to defy her own grim expectations. But in the end, she had fallen short. And Lexie must have realized that, laying there under that plane. She must have realized that her sister had failed her.

"She adored you, Meredith," Derek spoke as if reading her thoughts. He kissed her on the top of her head then leaned back a little until their eyes met. "Even when you two were frustrated or mad at each other… you guys were still family. And she looked up to you, always."

"No, she looked up to you." Meredith had witnessed their growing friendship first hand, the mutual respect they had for each other. "You were her teacher. You were the one she talked to about surgeries… and Mark… and everything else."

"Not everything."

Meredith could sense his weight shifting. Derek was reaching into his pocket, pulling his phone out. A long moment passed as the screen faded up and in that time, he set his gaze on her again. She could feel his sympathy… his love for her…

"Meredith, I get what you see when you think of the forest…" He began scrolling through pictures, letting them slide by his thumb one by one. "You see all that wreckage. And you see Lexie and you see this horrible thing that you think you did. But that's not fair to her and it's not fair to you."

He eventually landed on the photo he'd shown her the previous evening… the one from their camping trip… the one of Meredith and Lexie staring up at the sky. Up until yesterday, she hadn't even known that this picture existed, but now she was so thankful it did.

"This, this is how you should remember her, Meredith. This is how you should remember the type of sister you were…" He gave her a faint smile. "And the type of sister you still are."


"What is she doing?"

Meredith came to an abrupt halt in the middle of the forest. After forty-five minutes of hiking, they'd finally spotted Lexie, laying on a flattened boulder just shy of the overlook. She was still bundled up in her sweats and hoodie, her dark, damp hair spread out around her. Her hands were folded across her stomach. Her eyes were closed. And she wasn't moving.

"I think she fell asleep..." Meredith couldn't believe it. She whirled around towards her husband, gesturing wildly. "My sister's taking a freaking nap in the middle of nowhere!"

"Meredith, keep your voice down," Derek shushed her.

"No, who does that? There are wild animals out here and probably a few of those creepy hunters, with super creepy cabins nearby. And here she is, by herself, asleep."

"I'm not asleep…"

Lexie's eyes opened slowly. They should have been well out of her earshot, but apparently Meredith's shouting had caught her attention. Even so, Lexie didn't bother to look over at them. Instead she peered up into the trees, searching for... something.

Well at least she's alive…

Meredith bit her lip in annoyance. She was so over all of this. Lexie was simply being dramatic and Meredith had tried to be understanding, she really had, but enough was enough. She was absolutely ready to lay into that girl.

"Take a breath before you go over there," Derek put a hand on her arm. His demeanor was calm and gentle, an exact contrast to Meredith's just then.

"Derek, I don't need a breath!" she whispered.

"Well if you start yelling at her, you know you'll regret it."

Meredith rolled her eyes and came perilously close to swatting his hand away. Here he was asking her to hit the pause button, to really think about her next step. But she'd just spent the last forty-five minutes thinking… and worrying about bear attacks or her sister coming down with pneumonia. Now that she knew Lexie was safe, she felt well within her rights to tell her how ridiculous she was being, how immature and flat out childish. She had just jumped out of a boat for godsake. This was no way for an adult to behave.

That last thought stopped Meredith cold.

No way for an adult to behave?

Seriously? Had those exact words just echoed through her brain? When the hell had she become the one who gave stern lectures and long winded advice? She might have laughed if she hadn't been so pissed off at Lexie.

"Meredith," Derek was waiting for her to come back around, to get out of her head and actually look at him. "Think about what she really needs from you. Think about what you'd want to hear."

Meredith regarded him with a scowl. This was basic psychology, changing someone's perspective, inducing empathy… Damn him.

"Don't do that..." she grumbled. "That's not fair."

He knew she was angry, a little bit anxious and extremely frustrated. It had been building the entire time they'd been walking and clearly she was itching for a fight. But Derek... Derek was angling to take that fight out of her.

"You've been in her shoes."

He leveled his gaze, reached out and brushed her cheek with his fingers. Meredith melted.

Crap… he was good. And much as it might pain her to admit it, he was also right.

She had been exactly where Lexie was now, mourning a relationship that had seemed so perfect, mourning a future she'd been planning with a man she had loved. It was painful to watch a dream get smashed into pieces, especially when there was no one to blame. Meredith had been lucky. She and Derek had weathered the storm. Lexie and Mark hadn't been able to. Her sister was dealing with a broken heart. How could Meredith not be supportive?

Derek smiled at her, knowing full well that he'd turned this around. All her righteous indignation was gone. So was the speech she'd been ready to give. She wanted so badly to curse him for that, for his meddling, for ruining her big sisterly moment, but the truth was, there was another side to being an older sibling, one that required patience and compassion.

"I hate you."

She smiled right back at him as the remaining tension dissolved. She was suddenly thankful that he'd come along. And he must have recognized that, because his eyes sparkled as he leaned in to kiss her.

"No you don't."

"Fine…" she sighed. "You win."

"I know…"

He grinned then slid the backpack off of her shoulders. He took a few steps towards the edge of the clearing then paused to glance back at her.

"Take as long as you need," he nodded towards a log near the treeline. "I'll wait over there."

It was obvious that he wanted to give them some privacy. It was a sweet gesture, one that Meredith definitely appreciated. But as he retreated, a knot began to form in her stomach. Her anger had passed only to be replaced by a brand new emotion, one that surprised her.

She was nervous…

She was actually nervous about talking to Lexie.

Oh come on, Meredith… she chided herself. Get it together… Just suck it up and be her big sister…

It wasn't as if she didn't have some experience. She and Lexie had grown much closer over the years. They'd been through a lot together. Hell, they'd survived the psych ward. But there were periods when their relationship still felt so fragile and Meredith was never quite sure how to approach her. With their friends, it was fairly simple. Christina and Alex accepted brutal honesty and dark humor. Avery took a slightly gentler touch, but didn't mind a good dressing down every once in awhile. And April… April was the easiest one of them all. Meredith could just smile and nod as the hyper resident chattered away, often answering her own questions and fixing her own problems before anyone else could utter a sentence.

But Lexie… Lexie was a different story entirely. Her moods could shift quickly and Meredith had been caught off guard more than once. Usually that resulted in someone getting hurt… and more often than not, that someone was Lexie.

Meredith watched as Derek settled onto the log. He could see her wavering, bouncing slightly in her new hiking boots.

"Go talk to her…" he mouthed the words silently, then gestured at Lexie. "Go."

Meredith swallowed. This was why she'd come out here, afterall. She couldn't very well return to camp without her sister. And so finally, she gathered her courage and walked towards the boulder. As she got closer, she strained to think of some kind of opening, some way to start the conversation. But Lexie chose to save her the trouble.

"I'm not going crazy again."

She tilted her head towards Meredith. She'd been so happy the day before, but it was as if something inside her had broken. Her expression was solemn, incredibly sad. Meredith couldn't have yelled at her now if she'd tried.

"I know, I know jumping in the lake was stupid. And coming out here, maybe that was stupid too…"

"I didn't think you were going crazy again." Meredith decided to ease into this. She kept her tone even as she sat down next to her sister. "You were never crazy to begin with."

Lexie raised both her hands to her forehead.

"Yeah, well tell that to rest of the hospital," she murmured. "When they hear about this-"

"No one's gonna tell them, Lex."

Meredith had already talked to their friends back on the shoreline. They knew damn well what the consequences would be if they spread this around. Derek wouldn't mention it and Mark... out of everyone, he was the least likely to say anything at all.

"He still cares about you," Meredith reminded her. "Even if you guys broke up. He's not gonna do anything to hurt you, not intentionally anyway."

"But how am I ever supposed to face him again?" she cringed. "Seriously Mer, I just… I screwed up. I was supposed to pretend like I didn't care."

"You don't have to pretend…"

"No, that's the agreement. When you break up with someone, especially, especially if you work with them, you're supposed to act okay. You're supposed to move on. And don't tell me it's not true, because you tried it with Derek."

"Tried and failed," Meredith muttered.

"Maybe…" Lexie shook her head. "But it's not the same."

Meredith could easily argue with that. She'd done some pretty spectacularly dumb things over the years, but there was no sense trudging down memory lane. Her own embarrassments wouldn't help her sister.

"It doesn't matter," Meredith offered. "Whatever happened, you can't just run. Not from me or Mark, or anyone else."

"I know," Lexie chewed on her bottom lip. "But don't you ever just want to get away? Just find some place to hide out from the rest of the world?"

Meredith thought about that for a minute, thought about how Lexie had started to retreat in the last few weeks. She hadn't been coming downstairs for their late night dessert sessions. And she rarely smiled at the hospital anymore. Meredith could definitely relate to this change… she'd pulled away too once upon a time.

"Everybody hits a point where they want to hide." She wasn't going to lie to her sister. "But eventually you have to come back, because if you keep hiding… if you keep hiding Lexie… then one day no one will be able to find you."

Lexie shivered a little and Meredith resisted the urge to call Derek over. It would be so easy for them to scoop Lexie up and drag her back to the campsite. There was a tent back there, a sleeping bag… possibly a warm meal if Alex hadn't burned that fish to a crisp yet. But none of that would help, not until Lexie was ready.

Meredith understood that part as well.

"This last year, it's just, it's been so messed up," Lexie was searching the sky again. "I mean, first Sloan appearing out of nowhere, and the baby… And Mark with Addison… then the whole thing with Alex," she gestured at Meredith. "Which you warned me about."

Meredith raised an eyebrow, surprised she'd actually received credit for that.

"And then the shooting…" Lexie went on. "And Reed and Percy and, and…"

"The psych ward?"

Lexie winced again. This was still a sore subject, but she'd learned to take it in stride.

"Yeah, the psych ward," she said. "And then Mark and another baby and now Dad..." she trailed off, still unable to believe that latest chapter. "Dad's got a girlfriend. Our father, even he managed to find someone."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"It is…" Lexie agreed softly. "It is… but how… I mean why… why do I always end up alone?"

Meredith dropped her head and wished, yet again, that she was better at this. Maybe if she'd always been someone's sibling, then she'd have some idea what to say in these situations. But she didn't. And so all she could count on was simple honesty.

"Lexie, you're not alone." She scooted just a tiny bit closer. "I'm sure it might seem that way, because things, well they're not really going how you wanted them to. But you're always gonna have people who love you."

Lexie didn't say anything so Meredith pressed on.

"You know this touchy feely stuff, it's not my domain." She was self-conscious even straying into this territory. It was no secret that she struggled to open up to people, even those who were closest to her.

"But I'm trying to get better. If I want to be a mom someday, then I think I sort of have to get better."

"You're doing alright," Lexie said quietly.

"Thanks."

With most people she might take that as sarcasm, because she was indeed stumbling through this. But she knew that Lexie was being sincere.

"And since we're moving in that touchy feely direction anyway," Meredith took a breath. "I'm gonna tell you something really important, something you have to promise me you'll never forget."

She recalled what Derek had said to her earlier. Think about what she really needs from you. Think about what you'd want to hear… And suddenly, it clicked. She knew exactly what Lexie needed. And for once, she would actually be able to say it… better yet she would mean it.

"You, you won't ever be alone, Lex. You have Derek and Dad… and you have me…"

She saw the faintest smile cross Lexie's face.

"If you do actually lose it, it's not gonna matter. If you keep wandering off in the woods, it still won't matter. We're always gonna love you."

Lexie's eyes were getting shiny with tears, but her smile only grew.

"Even when I jump in the lake like a moron?"

Meredith actually laughed.

"Especially when you jump in the lake like a moron." She gave her sister a playful nudge. "Alex really loves you. He just won fifty bucks off of Avery."

"He bet that I'd break, didn't he?" Lexie couldn't even pretend to be surprised by this. But at least she seemed to find it amusing. "That jerk."

"Well he did carry you all the way back to the campsite."

"Okay," Lexie reconsidered. "So he's a little bit less of a jerk."

Meredith bobbed her head in agreement as Lexie laughed with her for a few precious seconds. It was a nice sound, cheerful and unforced. But eventually it died out and even Lexie's smile began to fade.

"Alright…" Meredith lay down on the boulder beside her. She and Christina had a habit of doing this, laying side by side. When life got complicated, it was nice just to have somebody with you, not staring at you really, just with you…

"What are we looking at?" she asked. "I'm not really used to this outdoorsy routine."

"We're not looking," Lexie tapped her fingers on her stomach, caught up in her thoughts again. "Well we are, I guess. But mostly, mostly we're just thinking."

"About what?"

"I read this article a few days ago," she explained. "About gratitude, about how you're supposed to think about all these little things that you're grateful for, especially… especially when the big things suck."

"And have you found any?" Meredith wondered. "I mean the little things, to be grateful for?"

Lexie regarded her for a moment and then her gaze went right back to the sky.

"I'm starting to."

Her expression was hard to read as she fell silent again. Meredith was so used to the bubbly personality, the rambling. Even when she was upset, Lexie talked, sometimes even more than when she was happy.

"I just want to know if you're okay," Meredith said finally. "I know you're not crazy or anything, but still… you've gotta tell me if you're okay, or you're not okay. 'Cuz I'm not always sure I can tell."

"Yeah," Lexie mumbled. "I'm okay."

"Because there will be plenty of other things to be grateful for," Meredith continued. "You get that, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"There are gonna be lots of surgeries and you're gonna find some guy who thinks you're fantastic, and in a few years you'll be an attending and you'll get to boss people around. If you ask me, that's a pretty great future."

"Well you're gonna have a family." Lexie's eyes brightened as she let that scene play out in her mind. "You're gonna have a baby and that's gonna be awesome."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Definitely."

Meredith could only hope. But the way Lexie talked about it, with such confidence, it made her believe that it was actually possible. Wonderful things were coming, for both of them.

"We just gotta wait it out, Lex." Now it was Meredith's turn to stare at the sky. "The best stuff finds you when you least expect it."

"I know…" Lexie pulled her hoodie tighter around her. The night was getting decidedly cooler, but neither of them was eager to leave. "In the meantime though… in the meantime, maybe we can just enjoy this."

The sun was setting, its last rays peeking over the mountaintops. A few birds were calling to each other. Their songs played through the growing twilight, a lovely soundtrack to usher the evening in. And the more Meredith listened, the more she tried to take it all in, the more she understood why Derek loved it here and why Lexie had been so drawn to this place.

"It's beautiful," Meredith couldn't help but say it out loud. "Honestly, I still relish electricity and actual beds, but I could get used to this after awhile."

"I promise not to tell Derek you said that…"

"Your discretion is appreciated." Meredith laughed again. "If he had his way, we'd be out here every weekend and I know I'm not there yet."

"You like toilets."

"I do…" Meredith had no problem admitting to that. "I really do."

"Well your secret's safe with me."

"Thank you."

Lexie nodded. And all at once she seemed… content. Maybe it was this last magical hour as the daylight faded, when the clouds took on a gorgeous pink hue and the breeze began to die… Maybe it was the fact that somewhere not too far away, people were waiting for them. And soon enough there'd be smores and another night spent under the stars. It could have been a lot of things really. Meredith was simply grateful to see the tide turning.

"You know, we used to camp a lot…" Her sister's voice was soft as she finally spoke up again. "My family, well my mom and my dad… our dad, I guess." She glanced at Meredith. "Sorry, is it weird for you if I talk about this stuff?"

"Lexie, I gave him a piece of my liver."

Sure she'd done that more for her sister, but if that wasn't a sign of moving on from the past, then nothing was.

"Besides, it's nice to hear he was a good father to someone."

"Yeah, he was, I guess."

Lexie was attempting to down play it now, concerned that she might hurt Meredith's feelings. But Meredith knew that she adored him, even after all he had put her through.

"Well my mom, she loved camping," Lexie hesitated, but there was no hiding her smile as she relayed the tale. "And they had this ritual, the same thing every night. Dad would try to build a campfire so we could make dinner. But he couldn't do it. Seriously, the man doesn't have a wilderness bone in his body."

"That doesn't exactly surprise me."

"It shouldn't," Lexie laughed. "But we weren't supposed to know that. So Mom would bundle up Molly and me before it got dark and we'd go hiking, every single night. We'd pick a different path and just go."

Meredith could see Susan Grey leading her two girls out to the forest as their father fumbled around, struggling to light a simple campfire. No wonder Meredith sucked at this kind of stuff. Between Ellis and Thatcher, she'd never even had a chance.

"While we were gone, I think he'd just grab one of those starter logs," Lexie went on, apparently sharing Meredith's suspicions. "But Mom would always say... 'your father's gonna build us the biggest fire,' like it was some great accomplishment. She'd get so excited about it, telling us about the smores we were going to make and how beautiful the colors in the fire would be."

"That sounds like your mother."

Meredith had to admit she was envious. But she really was glad for Lexie, that she had all these memories. She certainly deserved them. Just one more thing for her to remember, a tiny piece of history that she could be grateful for…

She was gradually coming back to life, getting more animated as she continued her story.

"We'd just wander around, the three of us until we could find the very best spot. Sometimes it would take us an hour, maybe longer, but we didn't even care. We'd go out by the lake, or find some clearing in the woods… And then we'd just sit."

Lexie closed her eyes again and Meredith was sure she could picture it. She was back again with her mom and her own little sister, just sitting there, enjoying their company.

"And she'd say 'Isn't this amazing?'" Lexie repeated the words with all the enthusiasm her mother must have shown. "And we'd say 'yeah, of course,' and chat about all the great things we were discovering, the ducks on the lake, the thousands of shades of pink in the sunset... And she'd hug us and say 'Don't ever forget this…' like every single night, she'd say that."

Meredith expected to see the longing on Lexie's face, or a tinge of regret. Her mother was gone and this was something she could never relive. But instead, there was only happiness, the same joy she must have felt back then.

Isn't this amazing?

"And I always thought, I always thought she meant the forest," Lexie opened her eyes and let out a breath, still in awe of this beautiful place. "Because it really is amazing. But now… I don't think that's what she meant." She looked over at Meredith. "I don't think that's what she meant at all."

Meredith smiled at Lexie.

"I don't think that's what she meant either."

There were big things in life, huge moments that changed your entire world, the ones you always mentioned during Thanksgiving toasts or those evening prayers dinner hosts frequently requested. Meeting the right man, having a baby, getting that job you'd always wanted…

But there were also smaller moments, the kind that filled up all the spaces in between. They were quieter, but sometimes that made them even more special. Because so often they snuck up on you… like when you marched into a forest to yell at your sister and instead found yourself sharing old stories and new dreams, strengthening an already unbreakable bond.

Isn't this amazing?

Meredith had found her own moment to hold onto, just like Lexie held onto that one of her mother. One more little thing to be grateful for… something to keep the darkness at bay.

She took Lexie's hand just for a second, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Don't ever forget this.


Well, there you go… one more flashback for you guys! I'll be honest, this is one of my all-time favorite chapters. I'm not sure why, since it's basically just a simple conversation between Lexie and Meredith. But so much of the story is about Meredith feeling like she's been a terrible sister. And when we start to see her being protective of Lexie, it's during these huge, stressful moments, before major surgeries and in bombed out buildings and pysch wards. But this is just a regular day (Lexie's epic swim not withstanding) and a regular conversation. There's nothing particularly special about it. Yet it still means so much to both of them. It's also very deliberately set in the forest, with the two of them laying there looking up at the sky. Meredith needed some image to replace the one of the plane crash and I like to think this memory and the photo Derek took of it, does just that.

Hopefully everybody was okay with the time jump. Obviously, this flashback scene is tied in with the camping scene that starts off way back in Chapter 35. I was tempted to mention at the top that you might want to reread that section, but I figured I'd just let you go with it. People might have forgotten that that particular flashback ends with Meredith and Derek running off to find Lexie in the woods. And the scene that immediately follows where Lexie and Meredith talk on the living room floor in the present is sort of the mirror image of this one. Yes, in some earlier draft this piece of the flashback was included in those earlier chapters. But to me, it fits so much better here. It's a bit of a shock to the system to suddenly rewind to a previous setting, but it's a shock to the system for Meredith too. Here she's had this extremely emotional day and suddenly she's looking back at this calm and peaceful moment she had with her little sister, one that sort of defined their relationship.

Anyway, that's that. I hope you guys enjoyed this section. Please let me know what you think. I've been waiting forever to get to this chapter, so I'm especially anxious to hear from people. :) If you can hit that little review button below, I'd be very grateful!