Forty-eight.
Ed dropped a glass of water on Olivia's nightstand on his way into the bedroom. He performed the simple ritual nightly without a word, and the domestic simplicity of it all filled Olivia's heart with joy and contentment.
"Thank you," she said softly.
He merely winked in response.
"Not talking any more tonight?" She asked, eyebrows raised.
He settled in under the covers next to her and laid his head on her chest. "I talked so much today."
Olivia played with his hair, "Yes you did."
Ed hummed softly in response to her caresses. The day, while special and fun, had been exhausting. He was looking forward to getting back into their regular routine; Noah had one more day of vacation, but Olivia was returning to her regular work schedule and the twins were going back to day care. Ed planned to take Noah to replenish his school supply stash and have lunch at the pub.
"Do you think Sarah's okay?" Olivia asked. Ed was going to have to muster a few more words. "She left so abruptly."
"I dunno what's going on with her," he grumbled.
"Maybe the holidays make her sad," Olivia speculated, "Brings back memories of Jeff."
"Maybe she misses Hillary," Ed deadpanned.
"Hillary's back now. I thought we'd see her today."
"That would have been uncomfortable."
Olivia sat up, so Ed was also forced to move. "Why's that?"
"Does Sarah know that I know?"
"Well, she probably assumes I told you."
"But she and I haven't talked about it," Ed pointed out, "So it woulda been weird, all of us kind of dancing around whatever's going on with them."
Olivia had not given Ed enough credit; she predicted his discomfort was with the relationship itself, not the fact that Sarah created a gap in communication. "And Hillary most likely doesn't know Sarah has told anyone."
"Right."
Olivia tossed her untouched files on her nightstand and turned off the lamp. The room was bathed in moonlight; neither she nor he had bothered to shut the blinds. Ed closed his eyes and nestled back between her collarbone and the top of her breast; he held her tightly at the waist.
"I love you, Ed," she whispered. Deep down she knew he was having trouble understanding what Sarah was going through, and, consequently, was frustrated he couldn't un-complicate it for her. "Thank you for today."
"Sorry I put ya on the spot with the vows."
"Intentional?"
"Well, kinda…it was either surprise you or tell you about the vows," he looked up at her lazily, "And I knew you could handle it. You're quick on your feet, Lieutenant. And smart."
"I got lucky with the card being almost right in front of me…but, Ed, it's so true…everything I said. You have no idea how much sending those cards means to me."
"Yeah I do. And we have, what, eighteen more years of 'em?"
"Noah'll be twenty-three. Do you really think he'll want to participate?"
"Well, who's that family Sarah was talking about?"
"Kardashians?"
"Yeah. Them. We could do somethin' like that."
He was mumbling, so Olivia couldn't tell whether or not he was joking. She dared to chuckle a bit. "I'll let you handle that."
"Kay."
"Goodnight, Ed."
"Night, Liv. You want me to move?"
She resumed making tracks through his hair. "Absolutely not."
….
For the third night in a row, sleep eluded Sarah Tucker. She tossed and turned in her bed for hours before opting for the sofa and late night reruns. Full House held her attention for a while, and she briefly entertained the fantasy of her entire family living under one roof like the Tanners. However, the distraction was short-lived and her mind inevitably wandered to Hillary.
After leaving Sonny and Brooke's loft, Sarah did not go directly to Hillary's apartment. She stopped for a drink, walked a few blocks, and then stopped for another. She needed courage, but she also needed clarity; she could not extemporize this conversation. At the second bar, she sent Hillary a text, seeking permission to stop by. Hillary told her she could, and Sarah had one more drink before heading that way, not wanting to appear overeager.
It was awkward at first. A lot of uncomfortable pauses and meaningless small talk. Hillary offered her a drink and looked stunned when Sarah turned it down.
"Do you want to sit down?" Hillary asked.
"Sure."
"And you're really sure you don't want anything to drink?"
"Yes…well, maybe in a few minutes," Sarah forced a grin. "Look, I don't really know what to do here. But, the main thing is, I don't want work to be difficult for you."
"Or for you."
Sarah brushed off the concern, "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."
"I don't think you are." This was the boldest statement Hillary had ever uttered to Sarah and she recoiled, stunned at her own show of courage.
Relenting, Sarah seemed to melt into the corner of the sofa, "You're right. I'm not fine. First of all, I'm sorry that you had to see Jeff and I…like that. He was in town…stopped by…and, well, we…got into our old routine. Drinks, a little convo, sex. That's what we were. That's why our marriage didn't work. I think. We were friends with benefits."
"And what are we?" Hillary asked softly.
"I don't know. I really don't know," Sarah murmured, "Still friends, I hope."
This answer didn't satisfy Hillary. She tucked her shoulder-length brown hair behind her ears and summoned more of her newfound nerve. "What…what happened at your apartment…that wasn't exactly a just friends type of thing."
Sarah screwed up her face, trying to pinpoint and articulate exactly how she was feeling, but everything was jumbled and tangled. "I think one thing, one issue I'm having is…I never thought about women, you know, in that way…and that whole night I had this attraction to you, like I've had for men, and I was a little drunk and acted on the urge."
"Drunk," Hillary echoed softly. When she was drunk she called old friends or posted sappy Tweets, she didn't initiate make out sessions with girls, so she didn't accept that even a partial reason for the kiss was intoxication.
"That's not why I did it," Sarah clarified, reading her mind, "It's what let me do it. We've gotten so close and…I can't say that about anyone else other than my family. I like being close to you. I love having a friend. I honestly don't know if I'm ready to try and make us more than friends."
"Because I'm not a man?" Hillary asked, tears in her eyes, "Or because you aren't feeling like you felt when you kissed me?"
Hillary and Sarah had had several conversations about past relationships, and Hillary always talked about boyfriends. She assumed Hillary would be just as conflicted as she was about seeing herself as part of a same-sex couple.
"There is this…love for you," Sarah told her, honesty oozing from her blue eyes. "I don't know how that translates moving forward…I don't know what kind of love it is…and now I sound like a self-help book." The mood was too heavy; Sarah felt obligated to lighten it, even just for a moment.
However, Hillary didn't follow suit. She fiddled with the stitching on her jeans and mumbled, "I was jealous of you…in Argentina."
"Ah," Sarah waved her hand, "That was nothing."
"At first," Hillary continued as if Sarah hadn't said anything, "I thought it was because I wanted to be more like you, so carefree. So…alive. So willing to go have fun and not worry about consequences. But then, after you kissed me, I realized I was wrong. I wanted to be the one you were out dancing with and watching the sun rise with." She stopped abruptly, feeling herself starting to sound whiny rather than sentimental.
Sarah jumped up and wedged herself into the chair next to her. She put a hand on Hillary's cheek. "I didn't know," she said softly.
"How would you have known?" Hillary's eyes fell. "I don't know either…but…I don't want to lose your friendship. It's…it's important to me."
"You'll never lose it." Sarah was gently caressing her face now, "Never."
Hillary closed her eyes and, this time, she initiated the kiss. Sarah refrained from getting playful like she'd done before and let Hillary take control. They fell backwards into the cushion, pausing every once in a while to smile at each other.
During one pause, Sarah whispered, "I want to touch you." She was on fire with passion, longing for more contact, desperately wanting to feel Hillary's hands on her skin.
Hillary took an extra second, bit her lip, and swallowed. "Okay."
Sarah tentatively slid her hand under Hillary's sweatshirt, looking into her eyes for consent.
"It's okay," Hillary said, "I'm okay."
There was a yearning in her voice that assured Sarah she was telling the truth. Her skin was soft, supple, and Sarah would have never predicted that handling another woman's breast would be so satisfying, so…erotic.
Hillary sighed, "That feels so good."
"Yeah," Sarah reached behind her to unclasp her bra. "Tell me…tell me if you want me to stop."
"Don't stop."
But they did stop. Nerves supplanted lust. Their deep kisses became pecks. They sat together, shirts on but bras unhooked, and took deep breaths, unsure of what to say. Sarah made up an excuse to leave, said she'd promised to stay at her Dad's apartment while he took Olivia out for New Years' dinner. She and Hillary promised work wouldn't be weird. They hugged goodbye. And Sarah went home.
…
Noah spread the contents of the plastic shopping bag on the pub table. He lined up the packages of pencils, markers, erasers, graph paper, and airplane stickers (a special treat) in two neat rows. He stuck his lips out in concentration.
"This is pretty good stuff."
"Just pretty good?" Ed asked with mock disappointment.
"It GREAT!"
"Ah, alright, that's better."
"Thank you for all this GREAT STUFF!"
Josh the waiter delivered their drinks and was very impressed with Noah's stash. "Wow! All set to go back to school tomorrow?"
"Yep! I'm gonna do big kid math!"
Josh raised his eyebrows, "Oh yeah?"
"Got ourselves a smart kid here," Ed boasted. "He's moving up two grades for math starting tomorrow."
Josh congratulated them, genuinely happy for his regular customers. They ordered cheeseburgers and while they waited for the food to arrive, Ed talked with Noah about his big day tomorrow, double checking that his son was indeed prepared for the change.
"So, bud, whaddya think is gonna happen in math tomorrow?"
"Somethin' with numbers. Maybe lines," Noah expertly replied.
"And you know…the kids in your class are staying in your class. They're not going with ya."
"They stay in baby math!"
Ed grinned. "Prolly shouldn't call it baby math, bud. But…you tell the teacher if you're not happy in the class, okay? And tell Mommy and Daddy when we pick you up."
"Kay."
"I love you, Noah. I'm so proud of you."
Noah all but ignored him and held up the package of markers, "Daddy, will you open this?"
"Sure, pal." Noah's growing independence tugged at Ed's heartstrings and he had to swallow a lump in his throat. "Whatever you need."
…..
The undercover operation was nixed before it got underway. Rollins was walking along the path near the arch at 110th Street, ready to lure the perp when a teenage boy emerged from another walkway screaming for help. Rollins identified herself as a police officer, and the boy told her he'd just seen a man drag a woman into a nearby wooded area. Uniformed officers and the squad were on the scene within minutes and they fanned out, searching for the rapist and his latest victim.
Olivia stepped carefully through unkempt brush, her gun drawn, her eyes wide and alert. Snow and twigs broke under her feet. She could see her breath. And, as she rounded a bend in the overgrown path, she saw a man, squirrely and dressed in green coveralls, holding a knife to the woman's throat. Olivia identified herself and ordered the man to back away from the woman, put his hands up, surrender without incident. He looked around wildly for an escape route, but she'd already radioed her location and dozens of officers swarmed upon them.
He dropped the knife.
They had their man.
Back at the precinct the interrogation dragged on through the afternoon and into the evening, leaving Ed with childcare duty. Olivia was well past the days of apologizing when the job kept her away from home, but that didn't mean she felt any less guilty. In the rare seconds of downtime she checked her phone for messages and pictures, checked the time, and predicted what was going on in the apartment. Ed probably made something simple for dinner—maybe chicken nuggets or spaghetti. Before bedtime Noah most likely set up the twins for a "race." When Wyatt began crawling, Noah found it amusing to slide the babies next to one another and put something a few feet away. He would stand in front of them and say, "Ready! Set! Go!" Bath time would be next followed by pajamas and story time on Noah's bed since it was a school night, or Ed may have gathered everyone on their bed. She might even find all four of them asleep there when she returned home.
"Liv?" Rollins interrupted her thoughts, "His lawyer's here."
Olivia glanced into the interrogation room. Their evidence, at least for this assault, was airtight. "Tell him he can see him at arraignment in the morning. Have the unis take him to central booking."
"Got it."
She was flipping the lights off in her office when a text from Sarah arrived. She was in the "neighborhood" of the precinct, knew Olivia was working, and wanted to meet for a drink if she happened to be leaving soon. Olivia checked in with Ed who reported everyone was asleep and he was stowing the last of the Christmas decorations in storage bins. Had it been any other person asking to meet, Olivia would have immediately declined. But Sarah needed her.
I'm a little worried about her, Ed replied. Go.
Okay.
But hurry back. Olivia grinned and got a little chill. Her husband was capable of flirting with her in any and all circumstances and she loved it.
Sarah was at a nondescript bar a few blocks from the precinct. She was dressed in her work clothes. For someone so flamboyant with her casual wear, Sarah's business attire was almost boring—a navy, black, or brown suit, plain blouse, and her trusty heels. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and Olivia wondered if, subconsciously, in her male-dominated professional world, Sarah was trying to diminish the allure of her gorgeous blonde locks.
"Hey there." Olivia kept her gray trench on, hoping to convey she wasn't staying long.
"Hi Livvie," Sarah gave her a hug, a little less ferocious than the norm, but it was late and she appeared a bit tired.
Olivia placed a twenty-dollar bill on the bar and ordered a bourbon. "Good to get back to work?"
"It was actually," Sarah replied, "Not much going on, but that's probably for the best. How about you?"
"We made an arrest in the Central Park case."
"Good. Shit. That dude had us all freaked out. Did you have to shoot him?" Sarah's eyes were wide and child-like.
Olivia couldn't help but smile. "No…no we didn't."
"Damn."
"Ah, well, it's for the best, I would've had to go to the hospital for bloodwork and be on leave pending an investigation," Benson fluttered a hand in the air, "It would've been a whole thing."
"Have you shot someone?"
"Yes."
Sarah stared into her cocktail. "Wow."
"Part of the job," Olivia remarked softly and put her hand on Sarah's forearm, "I was a little worried…about how you left brunch. And we didn't get a chance to talk. Everything else okay?"
"Yes," Sarah felt herself flush. "Hill and I…we didn't see each other much today."
"Intentionally?"
Sarah shrugged. "It was one of those days when everyone was kind of in offices, no big projects. But I was…I was trapped, kind of, between, being normal and not wanting to seem like I was being abnormal. Jesus. I make no sense lately."
"I get it. Actually, your Dad would get it more. He was like that with me."
The comparison was too much for Sarah. "Livvie, I'm not sure I can do this."
"Do what?"
"Be with Hillary."
"Because you're afraid of dating a woman or because you don't feel the way you thought you felt?"
"A little of both."
"Have you spoken to her since the last time you were together?"
"Yesterday." Sarah was deciding to leave out the part about Jeff. "I saw her…after Brooke's…and we had a good talk, she feels the same way, just, puzzled. But then she said something about being jealous in Argentina—"
Olivia stopped her, "What happened there?"
"Oh, this guy, owned our hotel, offered to show us around, and gawwwwwd, Livvie, he was so hot, and when I wasn't working I was with him. I hardly saw her. So…she said she was jealous but not of me, of him, and we're both, I guess trying to figure out what these feelings are."
"It sounds like you're doing the right thing."
"But we kissed again."
"Oh?"
"And more."
"More?"
"Nothing came off," Sarah quickly added, "Well, no, yes, that's accurate. Nothing came off. And then I left."
"Sarah," Olivia signaled for another drink, her last. "If this were a heterosexual relationship, would we be here right now?"
"No."
"So the underlying issue, for you, is that you're attracted to a woman."
"It must be."
"You do realize there's nothing wrong with that?"
"I realize you feel that way," Sarah replied, "I also realize my Grandmother, my Dad, my sister…Noey…may not feel that way."
Olivia shook her head, "All of us. All. Of. Us. Want you to be happy. We want everyone to be happy. And if you love Hillary and she loves you and you're happy, then that's wonderful." They took a couple of sips in silence. It was only for a few seconds, but a new thought knocked Olivia sideways as her police sensors sounded an alarm. "Sarah."
"What?" The alarm resonated with Sarah, too, and she jerked to attention.
"You're Hillary's boss."
"Yes."
"You have to be careful. I don't know what your firm's policies are, but you could be flirting with something in violation of the code of ethics…I don't want to scare you, but you should find that out. Sooner rather than later."
"Omigod I totally did not think about that."
"Neither did I. Until now."
"All the more reason to just…stop."
"That's not what I'm saying. I'm telling you to investigate."
"Sure would be an easy way out though, right?" Sarah asked, smirking and looking a lot like her father, "Sorry, Hill. We can't do this and keep our jobs. Let's move on."
"If you're truly looking for an easy way out, you may want to…end it."
"My life seems to be easier when I'm alone."
"I truly hope you don't believe that."
Sarah threw her head back and forced a scornful laugh. "Oh Livvie…I don't know what I believe. One minute I'm married then I'm fantasizing about another girl and…are you sure I can't just be your Mary Poppins?"
"I don't think we can afford you."
Sarah tipped her glass toward Olivia. "Touche."
….
#Tuckson
