Author's Note: Hi it's Tumblr user dirranged (follow she's amazing) and you're about to read our super angsty but ultimately amazing collab. Anything that is happy is definitely my doing (no it isn't..I mean she persuaded me to end it happy but..just..it was both of us.) because gleefilly is an angst whore and won't stop being mean but I totally persuaded her to do nice things so you can all thank me (you actually should thank her) later and I hope you enjoy this. By the way I'm (we're) sorry for any pain caused during the reading of this.
**It is a Pezberry story, so don't worry!
Six Word Story: "Our goodbye kiss had lasted years."
One of the most amazing things that can happen to a person is finding another who sees everything you are and who won't let you become anything less.
That's exactly what Santana and Rachel were to each other, they saw each other's potential and they had endless possibilities for the other. And through their eyes, Rachel and Santana stared at themselves in the same way-as someone who mattered, as someone who could achieve their dreams, as someone who could completely give themselves to another, yet be successful in every possible way independently.
Rachel's fathers had always told her that if she were lucky enough to find a person that made her feel that way, she should never let them go. And when they got married, Rachel intended on holding onto Santana for as long as she could.
She just never thought 'as long as she could' would end up being only two years.
Two years that had started out perfectly, despite what their parents had predicted, and then started to unravel faster than they could fix. Their therapist had called it the snowball effect, she even claimed it happened to most couples that got married at a younger age and it was nothing to be worried about.
Rachel honestly didn't know where that woman had gotten her degree from because it was definitely was something she, they, should have worried about.
There was nothing they could have done, their problems were just too deeply rooted to fix.
She hated the fact their parents were right about their marriage, she almost wished they had buried their issues to prove their parents wrong. It wouldn't have helped anyone, but it would be better than trying to ignore the pitying looks her fathers gave her on Thanksgiving and Christmas when they came to visit her lonely apartment.
She and Santana had shared the apartment for three years. The entire contents of every room reminded her of Santana, reminded her of what they used to be and how they used to love.
The Christmas after they had separated, Kurt had told her to start thinking about re-decorating.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but you can't lie to yourself forever, Rachel," he had said when Rachel told him re-decorating was pointless.
The truth of the matter was that Rachel didn't want to let go of Santana, and somewhere in the back of her mind she established that re-decorating would be letting go of every memory, every kiss, every conversation she'd ever had with Santana. Santana was everything she wanted and everything she'd come to depend on and she adored every inch of her and she loved all of Santana's selfish heart.
Rachel knew that she wasn't going to forget about Santana anytime soon.
Not only had she fallen in love with the beautiful girl who kissed her cheek softly after a long night, but she fell in love with the things that she said, and the way that she thought, and the memories that seemed to be carved onto her bones that would remain forever. She wouldn't ever forget the heaven that she felt whenever she was around Santana.
Rachel knew that she frustrated Santana a lot, but she did adore her with every inch of her being.
She still remembered the day it had all gone wrong, it was engraved deep in her mind along with the good memories, sometimes even over shadowing them.
They both knew things weren't getting any better between them, no amount of therapy was going to fix them. She had thought the only way to fix it was to try and scare Santana into talking and working it out, she really thought the divorce papers would be a wake up call. And in a way, they had been. Santana had stared shocked before storming out of the apartment despite Rachel's desperate pleas, opting to stay with Puck instead of working through things with her wife.
That moment was the moment Rachel knew their marriage really was doomed, there was nothing they could do to fix it. It was the day the light had walked out of her life and she hadn't found it since.
Every day since had been a struggle, New York was dull and lonely without Santana. They had come to the city together, had conquered the sketchiest hole in the wall restaurants, done all the tourist things together and had found their favorite coffee places.
Together.
She couldn't go near the Soho coffee house anymore, or the cute little Mexican place a few blocks from the apartment, she could barely even stand to walk pass the newsstand on the corner.
That's where Santana had always waited for her after work or school, always with flowers and her favorite vegan truffles when she knew Rachel had had a long day. It was the little things about Santana she had missed the most, the things that made her who she was.
It had been years and yet all of these things still hurt and affected her the same way.
Rachel used to think that maybe she and Santana would meet again, they'd be slightly older and their minds and hearts would be less hectic, but she'd be right for Santana and Santana would be right for. For now she knew she was poison to Santana's heart and Santana was chaos to her thoughts.
As time went on she began to doubt they'd ever meet again, it had been close to seven years since their divorce and they hadn't seen or spoken to each other since.
Of course deep down she'd always have the same wish, she still hoped with all of her heart that she and Santana could meet again and work things out. But with each year that passed with no communication, her hope for their reconciliation was crushed. Which was why she tried her hardest to get her mind, and heart, away from the very thought of Santana.
Her new girlfriend was everything Santana wasn't, well-mannered, poised, tactful and gentle. She hadn't intentionally tried to find someone the complete opposite, it just happened and it was too late to change her mind over it.
The woman was nice enough, she just wasn't what Rachel longed for. She longed for long, tanned legs that wrapped around her own early Sunday mornings, a messy tangle of raven colored hair when she forgot to brush it out after a shower, the adorable nose crinkle when she laughed too hard.
Instead she had pale skin, short blonde hair and this woman's version of a nose crinkle that just wasn't Santana's at all. She knew the woman cared for her, and in a way the feelings were returned, just not as whole heartedly as they should be.
The blonde also knew nothing of her past, completely unaware that her heart already beat to the sound of someone else's voice, touch and scent.
Rachel didn't love her, she didn't love Quinn even a fraction of how much she loved Santana.
If someone asked her about Quinn, she'd tell them only what they wanted to know.
If they had asked about Santana she'd tell them all about her patterns and inconsistencies. The way she'd moan and groan before getting into bed, and the way she always told Rachel that she made her heart simultaneously leap up in her throat and fall to her stomach when she was around.
She'd tell them how Santana was never graceful but she walked with an essence of pride or maybe it was a hint of arrogance depending on how you looked at it. She'd tell them how Santana smiled like she knew everyone's terrible secrets, she'd describe the way Santana held her hand and the way she'd make sexual innuendos during dinner with her fathers because she thought they didn't understand.
But they did.
She loved every minute of every day of every month that she'd been with Santana but now it was like no matter how hard she tried to get Santana out of her mind it was no good.
If her knees could speak they'd yell 'you make me weak' and if her lips could function without the use of her brain they'd chant 'I miss you' over and over. And if her body had a voice it'd do the same. Every fiber, every inch of her, missed Santana but bodies couldn't speak, so she remained silent and decided to stick to second best.
Second best was Quinn.
But oh god, the differences between Santana and Quinn were huge.
Santana was imprinted in her mind, she was everywhere, photographs, books, movies, smells, places, colors.
Her thoughts were mostly preoccupied with her.
But Quinn was nice, and sweeter with pretty eyes, always telling her that they were probably destined to meet.
Rachel agreed but maybe they didn't share the same reasoning.
Sometimes Rachel wondered what Santana would say if she knew she had moved on, if she didn't already know.
It was inevitable, it had been seven years but maybe the New Directions gossip mill didn't run as smoothly as it once had.
Santana would ask if she loved Quinn, she'd probably ask her twice just to make sure she was happy. She'd ask if she knew her favorite songs when she was happy and when she was sad, if she knew all the things that kept her up at night. She'd ask anything to make sure Rachel was sure that she was happy.
But she hadn't spoke to Rachel in years.
She had never met Quinn and probably would never get the chance.
It wasn't like she intentionally kept Santana from Quinn, she just didn't find it necessary to tell the blonde about her failed marriage. They had only been dating for a year, she knew deep down Quinn knew there was a reason she refused to get serious. She knew the blonde suspected something, but there was a silent don't ask, don't tell compromise between them.
Quinn was too nice anyways, Rachel knew she couldn't keep stringing her along, the woman was much too amazing to be wasting her life. There were only so many excuses left for why she couldn't say I love you, or why they couldn't move in together. The apartment was hers and Santana's, every inch of it held a memory and she couldn't move out. And there was no way in hell she was letting Quinn move in and taint the spaces Santana had left her mark in.
Like the rug in the kitchen Santana had spilled an entire pot of coffee on one morning, or the curtains that were stained with blueberry muffin mix when Santana had gotten so annoyed with her for the never ending baking of them.
She wouldn't let Quinn move in and move around the furniture that had taken them weeks to put together because they always got distracted with each other.
It wasn't going to happen, call her selfish but if she couldn't physically have Santana, she wanted all the material things that reminded her of the marriage she let fall apart.
It had been a struggle to even let the blonde have a key to the apartment, she couldn't imagine living with her.
Rachel frowned as she pushed the old box of journals to the back of her closet, Santana had always claimed she was a nerd for keeping a journal but it was where she could write freely about anything she wanted. They were her best friends before she had any, they were the books that held her tears in their pages, they were the only place that held all of her real feelings about the fights and the divorce. She hadn't written since the divorce, it wasn't worth it. Her emotions were at a standstill, she was an emotional cripple without Santana's light.
"Rach, you here?"
Rachel quickly pushed the box further and threw some blankets over it, "Um, yeah! I'm just in my room. Be out in a sec." She couldn't risk Quinn finding these books, they were personal. She hadn't even let Santana read them.
"Hey you, what were you doing? I missed you today." Quinn smiled as Rachel walked into the living room.
Rachel internally cringed as she saw Quinn, the woman looked so happy to see her and she just wished it was Santana. "Just cleaning up, how was your day?"
"It was good, I have a gift for you!" Quinn said as she dug through her bag. "I don't know if you've heard but there's this upcoming artist, she's amazing according to all the gossip sites and my boss wants me to take pictures of her debut event! How amazing is that?"
"That's amazing, Quinn!" Rachel said, doing her best to sound supportive. Quinn really was an amazing photographer, she had made the New York Times many times for her photographs. "When is it?"
"Friday, and I'm taking you with me. I know how much you love music." Quinn smiled as she pulled out the tickets.
"You know just the way to my heart," Rachel said. "What's her name?"
"Santana Lopez, apparently she's from a small town in Ohio and she's been trying to break into the business for a while but had some complications." Quinn explained. "But everyone is saying they're glad she waited, her music is amazing, it's very raw and emotional. My boss said she must have went through some serious stuff because it really shows in her music."
Rachel could feel her heart trying to beat right out of her chest, her skin was covered in a thick layer of sweat, she had stopped listening after Santana's name had escaped Quinn's lips, she couldn't believe this.
"Rach? You okay?"
Rachel shook her head and forced a smile, "I'm great, I can't wait."
She was so screwed.
She thought she was healing.
Truthfully, she wasn't.
She had constant fantasies about Santana, she fantasizes that they never stopped loving and that Santana was still hers.
But it was all pure fantasy.
She wasn't perfect for Santana and Santana definitely wasn't perfect for her.
She couldn't believe she was here, she had worked so hard to avoid being anywhere near the woman and yet she had somehow ended up an audience member to her debut.
They hadn't seen each other in years, not since that last day with their lawyers when they divided up their possessions and went their separate ways. The past was meant for the past and she had been trying her best to stay away.
She couldn't say no to Quinn's surprise, it would have raised too many questions that Rachel had absolutely no desire in answering.
For a split second she wonders if Santana is really the woman she's seeing on stage.
The tight ponytail is gone, her long raven hair is in perfect curls down her back, her cheek bones are slightly more prominent and her eyes seem smaller. She searches for the mischief and happiness in her eyes, but there is none.
She hopes Quinn doesn't realize the way she's staring as if Santana hung the moon and the stars, praying the blonde is too caught up in her picture taking.
Deep down she knows Quinn notices, but in this moment she doesn't care.
Santana had done it, she finally got to where she had always wanted to be and Rachel couldn't be more proud of her.
She knew Santana would make it come hell or high water, and even if they haven't spoken in seven years, she still radiated with pride.
Rachel fidgeted throughout the entire performance, seeing Santana after all these years was nothing short of painful. The lyrics she sang were so raw and she could tell all of the woman's emotions were built into it which made it that much harder to listen to.
Even after she had left the stage, one particular line kept buzzing through her head, Our goodbye kiss had lasted years. She sang it with the most emotion, almost as if the words were meant to break apart her still battered heart.
It wasn't even just that one line that got to her, but the other songs with lyrics that almost identically sounded like pages in her journals, journals she was positive Santana was told to stay out of.
Journals the former Cheerio had made fun of.
There was probably some part of her that was angry at Santana for stealing her words and using them in her music, but there was a bigger part of her, the part that still loved Santana with all of her heart, that was still radiating with too much pride to care.
"So, what did you think?" Quinn asked quietly as they walked into the lobby of the theater.
Rachel paused, trying to figure out the best way to answer her girlfriend, "It was good, she's very talented." She decided on with a tight smile.
Quinn snorted, "I think you're holding back, I saw the way you were. I wish I made you as happy as music did."
Rachel gave her a tight smile, it was a good thing she didn't know the real reason, it would completely break her if she did.
"I guess music was her first love."
Rachel shut her eyes tightly, she hadn't heard the voice in years but she'd know it even if she were deaf.
"Oh my god, Santana Lopez! This is an honor, your showcase was amazing." Quinn gushed. "Do you think it would be possible for me to snap a few pictures? I'm covering your show tonight and it would really make my boss happy."
"Sure, anything for my fans." Santana said, her eyes still glued to Rachel as Quinn dug around her camera bag distractedly. "Aren't you Rachel Berry?"
"I am," She paused, her heart yelling at her to compliment her former wife. "The show was really good, you're very talented, I would know I'm-"
"Very talented, too?" Santana finished with a slight smirk.
Rachel blushed, her brain fighting with her heart, "Yeah."
Quinn turned her attention back to the two, "Oh shoot, I have to run out to my car really quickly my battery died and the back up is in there. Be right back, babe."
Rachel forced a smile as the blonde dashed out the door, this was turning out to be a lot worse than she could have ever imagined. She just hoped Santana wouldn't say anything.
Though she should have known better, she couldn't even take a breath before Santana opened her mouth.
"It's been a long time, Rachel, and sometimes I can think of our marriage without crying. And then.." Her voice faltering slightly.
"And then you see me again." Rachel frowned.
Santana shook her head. "When I first saw you here I panicked and I'm sorry because you were part of some of the best times of my life. You were always so zealous and loud but then you were quiet and shy and I loved you. I loved every minute with you." She said softly.
Rachel's breath hitches as she noticed the pure, unmasked emotion in Santana's voice and in her eyes, she'd been working so hard to forget it all and a few words from the woman had her right back to the beginning.
Santana bit her lip at the silence, "I have a confession."
"Tell me." Rachel whispered.
"I miss your blueberry muffins, I know I always complained like a little bitch but I loved them." She confessed, a slight pink tint to her cheeks. "While I'm also confessing, I hated all those stupid competition shows we always watched, and the stupid shows with the predictable endings. I just watched them because I loved spending time with you, I loved holding you and watching you react to all of it like you were so surprised when the most obvious person was guilty."
"Why are you telling me all of this?" Rachel asked in confusion.
"Because I don't want to lie anymore, I just want to be honest." She sighed dejectedly, "Seven years has given me a lot to think about and I realized that lying about stupid things is what ruined us."
"That's not what ruined us, we ruined us. We weren't," Rachel paused and corrected herself quickly, "aren't good for each other."
"Seven years is a long time, Rach...we're different people." Santana frowned. "How's Kurt?"
Rachel smiled, "He's doing so good, that internship opened so many doors for him."
"I told him it would, his clothes are going to change the world." Santana said, upset over the fact she hadn't kept in touch with anyone.
A heavy silence takes over them as they run out of things to say, magnifying the sounds of everyone else in the crowd.
Finally, Rachel reaches towards Santana but stops herself before she can actually touch her, her fingertips hovering slightly above the woman's arm.
Rachel looks at Santana with affection, but affection isn't love.
Santana knew they were just filling up empty spaces between them with words.
She'd lost Rachel, she'd lost her a long time ago.
"Could we see each other again, Rachel?" Santana hates herself for asking because she knows the answer.
It's an inevitable no but she'd hate herself had she not gave Rachel a chance. Santana had loved Rachel so much, her bones ached whenever she wasn't near her. She was so in love with Rachel but she'd been gone for years and now she was back and oh god the things Santana would do to go back in time but that wasn't an option.
"Oh Santana," Her voice is gentle and filled with sadness and a blind man could see the answer in her eyes.
Santana saw something different. Rachel had moved on. Santana couldn't want her anymore. It was killing her slowly.
Rachel eventually places her hand down on Santana's arm, boosting herself up and giving the woman a gentle kiss on the cheek.
Santana half expected a flash of pain to come from it, old memories flashing through her mind.
But there's only the pressure of Rachel's lips on her cheek, and she closes her eyes clinging to the moment. "Are you happy?"
Rachel's eyes meet Quinn's as the blonde re-enters the building, she's staring at them with a look of confusion but it's soon replaced with happiness as she notices Rachel looking at her, "Yeah, I think I could be."
There are some feelings you never have words for; you just learn to name them after the ones who gave them to you.
Sometimes Rachel could never place the feelings she felt toward her wife, it was more than love and sometimes it was hard to handle. Feelings weren't always her strong point. She had come to realize that sometimes you meet someone and they start an everlasting fire inside of your heart but they are not always the one you are destined to be with - it was the sad truth.
Rachel had married someone who made her happy, someone who made her laugh so hard she started crying and her rib cage ached. She married someone who could put a smile on her face even when she was close to sobbing, someone who made the world seem less harsh, someone who was passionate, someone who knew her every thought, sober or drunk.
And to any person this would sound cheesy but it's what she wanted, what she needed.
Rachel leaned back into her wife on the couch as she set the bowl of popcorn beside them, "So, who do you think it is?"
"Rach, are you kidding me?"
"What, I'm just asking cause you're so good at guessing!" Rachel whined.
"Just watch the show and shut up so I can stare at you."
Rachel smiled and kissed the woman's cheek, "You got it, Tana."
Rachel used to think that they ruined every love story by trying to make it last forever.
But she and Santana were the exception.
For a long time she hadn't wanted to hear the truth from anyone. The truth was that she loved Santana and she didn't want the illusion of being able to move on getting destroyed.
The thing about Quinn was that they were destined to meet, she had made Rachel realize a lot of things about herself, like how sometimes Santana made her want to tear her hair out with anger and frustration.
But at the end of the day, she still wanted to lay down next to her, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, and sleep.
And that was all that mattered.
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