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XLIX : The Coming of Dana
Racism doesn't exist nearly as much as people think they do. For the most part, people are either to lazy or to stupid to be racist. The problem is when they are both lazy and stupid. They're to stupid to figure out they're racist, and to lazy to change their mind.
Dana Jeffries was just such a person.
Years later I've wondered if it's possible for a person to exist filled with so much anger and so much self-loathing. Maybe Dana was just a figure of my imagination? No, Dana was all to real, my dear listener. I don't know if I'm remembering all of the details correctly, but I believe I am. The day we met Dana began normally enough.
"I'm just saying, I would have liked the strip club" Titan said, "They had no reason to leave me in that accursed ball"
"I didn't think you were into humans" I said.
"I'm into nude anything sliding up and down a pole!" Titan protested. "Like if you were sliding up and down"
"Shut up or I will hurt you" I said. We had finally decided to leave Lavaridge, and we were currently walking through town. The sun was high, and was currently baking us like cookies. I was sweating through my fur, and Titan was fine. Lucky tin bastard. Who the fuck has heard of ninety degrees in October?
Flash was humming to himself as he walked behind us. Titan would look back at him every so often, obviously dying of jealousy that Flash had evolved. Titan needed to evolve in the worst of ways, simply so he would shut up about it. On the plus side, he had gotten Sharon to let go of his skull. I know what you're wondering, what was his clever plan? Titan pointed to the left, Sharon turned, dropped him, and got distracted by something else. Currently, she was running around behind us with L3.
"I can fly faster then you" Sharon said, as the two of them ran in circles, "Gyarados can fly faster then you!"
"I'mfasteryoucan'tbeatme" L3 screamed. The two had begun getting along when they both realized they're pains in the ass, and have a collective single digit IQ. The ran under Enfer, who didn't notice then. Enfer had been lost in her head for a few days, I was getting worried. Something was bothering her, but when I asked about it, she didn't respond.
Wisp had finally woken up, and had climbed out of Lisa's arms. Now she sat on her right shoulder, having a bit of troubled hanging on, although she didn't show it. Rush was back in Lisa's arms, and he kept scowling at Wisp, although she didn't notice. Nel was still on top of Louis, she had slept on his face. He had been so drunk, he hadn't noticed.
"You have never had alcohol?" Louis asked.
"Aside from that glass of champagne you forced me to drink" Michael said, "No I haven't" Louis shook his head.
"You know, you live a boring life dude" Louis said, "Luckily, you've got me dude. I'll make sure to get some in you" Michael just shook his head.
"You two are morons" Lisa said, as we passed a guy handing out flyers. Lisa took one. "If you had any sense Michael, you would" She looked down at the flyer, and stopped dead in her tracks. We walked on for a moment, before noticing she was no longer there. "Oh no, no no no"
"Something the matter?" Michael asked. Lisa looked up, grinning nervously.
"Uh, nothing" Lisa said nervously, balling up the flyer. She tossed it, but a heavy wind whipped up (universal irony at work) and blew the flyer to Michael. "Please don't" He unballed the flyer.
"Live in concert, one week, Dana Jeffries unplugged?" Michael looked over at Lisa. "Isn't Dana Jeffries the name of your sister?" She nodded. "I thought you said she was in a mental hospital" Lisa laughed.
"Funny thing about that, she isn't" Lisa said, "And no one has put a wooden stake through her heart, God knows why. Me and my sister aren't on good terms, mostly because she is a sick, ridiculous fucker"
"She can't be that bad" Michael said. "We have to meet her"
"No! Nonononononononono" Lisa chanted. So, they put it to a vote. Louis and Michael over turned Lisa, and we were off to find her sister.
"How do you know she'll be here?" Michael asked, as we stood in the lobby of the Four Arms hotel.
"This is the nicest hotel in town" Lisa said. "My sister has a way over estimated sense of self-worth. Also, it says her show is on every night for the next month on that poster"
"Performing in Lavaridge?" Louis asked, "Then that means"
"My sister has no career" Lisa sighed, "Come on, let's get this bitch done"
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lisa asked, "I mean, we could do something more fun. Like setting our selves on fire, or pealing our skin off" We all shook our heads. Lisa sighed, and returned to the door. Her hand fidgeted on her cane. "Damn it" She knocked on the door.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm coming" Lisa sighed.
"I have to warn you about my sister" She said, "She is a horrible person, but on top of that, she does this weird thing when she talks" Before she could finish, the door opened, to reveal a copper haired woman who looked very hassled. She was easily as beautiful as Lisa, but while you could tell Lisa paid for her looks, this woman was born this way. Her brown eyes went wide. "Lisa?"
"Hi Dana" Lisa said, sounding like she was dead. Dana smiled.
"I'm so happy to see you" She grabbed Lisa in a hug. Lisa had the re-action I would have had, about to puke. It hit me, when Dana spoke, she spoke with an air of superiority. No matter what she said, she sounded like she was saying she was better then you. "What are you doing here?"
"They wanted to see you" Lisa said, "And we've seen you, now we can go"
"They who?" Michael and Louis waved. "Oh! You're traveling with people, how nice. I would love to catch up, but I'm going to lunch now. Unless you would like to come along"
"Actually, we"
"We would love to" Louis said, staring at Dana's knockers.
Michael had to go to the bathroom, so I sat in his seat. Dana had let Michael keep most of his pokemon in her room, so only me, Rush, Wisp, and Nel were here. Michael had gotten a soda to drink, and when they dropped it off, Louis pulled out a small, clear bottle. He dumped the content into Michael's soda, but no one noticed. He then turned to Lisa.
"Your sister doesn't seem to bad" Louis whispered.
"Just wait and see" Lisa replied.
"Anyways, I've been here a few weeks and I already hate it" Dana said, "I mean, you'll never guess what happened to me at the bank today"
"The robber took off his mask and gave it to you" Lisa asked, "Figuring you could use it more then he could?" Dana scowled.
"No, of course not" Dana said. "Well, I was already having a bad day, because I was stuck behind these two gooks"
"I see what you mean" Louis said.
"Who could make up their minds on what they wanted to do" Dana said, "Then I get up there, and the teller is this dyke. I suppose she wasn't an unattractive dyke, she could have passed for normal had she tried. Well, I think she began to hit on me, and oh god I was afraid she might get the gay on me"
Lisa had been raised in an elitist, racist, homophobic (in the most literal sense), nihilistic household. Dana and Lisa took to their families in different ways. Dana took every word they said to heart, and became an idiot. Lisa took to kissing girls.
"Dana, if you could stop the slurs for five minutes" Lisa said, "Have you noticed my cane" Dana shrugged.
"I just assumed you did something stupid" Dana said, as Michael returned to the table.
"What did I miss?" He asked, picking me up and placing me on his lap.
"I got shot in the stomach!" Lisa cried. "The bullet almost went through my spine!"
"Like I said, you did something stupid"
"Nothing much dude" Louis replied.
"Good to know" Michael took a slug of soda. "This taste weird" Shrugging, he took another drink.
"A madman almost killed me! You're right, it's all my fault!"
"Glad you're excepting it" Dana said, patting her on the hand. "I notice you're not in a relationship either. Not surprised really" Lisa snarled, then began smiling crazily.
"Actually, I'm pregnant"
"You are?" Dana asked surprised, "I assumed it was just weight from over eating. Tell me, who is the father"
"Rush is" Lisa said.
"And who is Rush" Lisa held the ultra-excited Mudkip up. She then kissed him on the muzzle.
"Hey, that's my Mudkip!" Michael cried. Dana screamed.
"You-you-you" Dana began twitching. "You-you're-you're fucking a Mud-Mudk-Mud-Mud-Mudkip?" If she weren't sitting down, Dana would have collapsed on the ground. "Oh my God, my sister is a fucking pokephilliac. God's going to kill her"
"You don't believe in God" Lisa snarled.
"But if I did, he'd kill you" Dana replied. The only thing that scared Dana more then homosexuality, was pokephillia. I was laughing by this point in time, simply because Rush got what he always wanted, and he got to screw with a snob. "Oh God, why Lisa?"
"Because I could" Lisa said, smiling.
"Yeah, you go Lisa" Michael cried, applauding. I could smell heavy booze on his breath. Louis tried to take his drink away, but Michael refused. "Lou, wha did ya do to me?" Louis shrugged.
"A shit load of vodka" Louis said, "I figured you would want to try booze, even though you said you didn't"
"Noooo!" Michael said. "I said I didn't want it! If I don't want it, it means…Uh? I lost my thought" Louis nodded.
"Well, how do you feel?" Michael giggled.
"Pretty damn good" He pulled me off of his lap by my tail. "What do you think Angel?"
"Let go of me, or I'll kill you" I snarled. Michael kissed my forehead, and dropped me on his lap.
"I have to get you to give this up" Dana said, "It isn't like giving up a baby is something new to you" Now every one turned to Lisa, even Wisp looked surprised.
"Drop it Dana" Lisa growled. "Drop it now" Dana shrugged.
"What ever, doesn't matter to me" She said, "Let's get some lunch, and get out of here" Suddenly, Dana smiled. "I know something you'll find interesting. I know you like pokemon, so I got something for me" Dana lifted up a large purse she had been carrying. She unzipped it, and a small, yellow head stuck out. "It's the latest trend, small pokemon as pets, pocket pokemon"
"Pocket-pocket monsters" I said. "Why not" The small creature was a Pichu, that looked very unhappy to be zipped inside of a purse.
"Anyways, I named her Pecha" Dana said, jerking her out of the purse by her small skull, "And she loves me. Right Pecha?" Pecha's body hung limp, and she looked like she was about to die.
"How often do you feed it?" Louis asked. Nel hissed at the Pichu, and Dana shrugged.
"I feed it when I remember" She shoved the small creature back in the purse. "So, whose ready to order?"
"Why is Michael walking into a wall?" Titan asked. Michael had gotten extremely drunk (thanks Louis) and he was currently walking into the left wall of Dana's hotel room.
"Believe me" I said, "You don't want to know" Right now, Lisa and Dana were fighting, while Louis sat on the bed with us, imagining them with no clothes on.
"I mean, you've been here a week!" Dana cried, "A week, and you haven't seen my show, Dana Jeffries Unplugged"
"Believe me" Lisa yelled, "If you ever end up on life support, I'll be first in line to see you unplugged"
"I need to throw Jell-O on them" Louis said. Titan looked up at him.
"This man is my new God"
"Finally, you show up to see me" Dana said, "And all you can talk about is your perverted relationship with that, that thing!"
"Kip!"
"And about how I'm not a good enough owner for Pecha" Dana said, "Well, how about I show you how good of an owner I am" She unzipped her purse, and jerked the very tired and confused Pichu out, along with a small bowl and even smaller bag of pellets.
"Dana, what the fuck are you doing"
"If Pecha is so hungry, she can eat" Dana snarled, dumping the food in the bowl. "Okay Pecha, eat!" Pecha just stared at the bowl, confused. "Well, eat damn it" Pecha touched one of the pellets, but didn't pick it up. "Eat damn it!" Dana smacked Pecha upside the head.
What happened next was caused by hormonal Mudkip, and stupid copper-haired racists. Lisa had always talked about how important pokemon were to her, and how much she loved them. When Dana smacked Pecha, Lisa snapped. But before Dana could smack the poor Pichu again, someone jumped and bit her hand.
"Kip!" Rush cried, biting down hard. Rush stopped Dana, hoping to get Lisa's attention. Instead, he caught the eye of someone else. Pecha looked at the Mudkip, curiously.
"Save me?" She whispered, before passing out. Dana shook her hand rapidly, eventually slinging Rush hard. Rush flew, across the room and into the open door way of Dana's bathroom. Dana returned to her sister, only to see Lisa's wooden cane hit her in the face. If Lisa had had a gun, she would have shot her sister.
A knife, she would have cut her throat.
She had a cane though, so instead she broke her nose.
"FUUUUUCK" Dana screamed, jumping up. Blood poured from in between her fingers. Lisa stood up also, seething with rage. Dana suddenly began to giggle.
"What happened?" Titan asked.
"I think she's lost it" I said. "So full of bullshit, she finally snapped" Dana lowered her hands, giving us a good view of the mash of bone and blood that was once Dana's nose.
"I should have expected as much" Dana said, "You could never take me in a fight. You have to attack me unprovoked. Every thing you do is unprovoked Lisa, I hope you get someone else to raise your hybrid children for you. Let's face it, you would be a fuck up as a mother" She smiled. "But I suppose you knew that with your first baby"
"Shut up Dana" Lisa snarled. Dana turned to us, grinning like a loon.
"Did you know, she got pregnant once?" Dana said. "Not only did she, but she got pregnant from fucking a nigger! Yes, my sister is such a whore she really would open her legs to anything. Not only that, but she wanted a mulatto to be a relative of mine. Well their was mercy" Dana turned back to Lisa. "Because you lost the baby, didn't you?"
I expected Lisa to grabbed her sister and break her neck. She didn't though. Instead, Lisa turned silently, and limped into the bathroom. She closed and locked the door, and we didn't hear a sound.
"Alright Dana, I've had enough" Louis said, standing up. "You've gotta go"
"I've gotta go, this is my room! I didn't ask for you freaks here"
"We will leave, when Lisa calms down" Louis said, walking over. He grabbed her arm. "But for now, you gotta go"
"Let go of me you damn ape"
"No Dana, you gotta go" He dragged the struggling woman over to the sliding glass doors that lead to the rooms balcony. Opening the doors, he dragged Dana out. He then tossed her over the balcony.
All of us, even Michael rushed over. With some disappointment, we watched Dana plummet sixteen stories and land in a swimming pool. Michael turned to Louis.
"Nice shot" Louis shrugged.
"Didn't know their was a pool down there"
Rush had had a bad morning, and being tossed by the sister of the object of his affection, had made it a bad afternoon. As he slowly struggled to all fours, he could see that Ms. Lisa was now in the room. She was sobbing into her hands. Rush walked over and pawed at her legs, causing her to look down.
"Hey Rush" Lisa whispered, bending down and scooping him up. "I didn't know you were here"
"Kip!" Lisa smiled.
"How would you like to hear a story? About when I was almost married, and almost champion? Are you interested?" Rush nodded. Lisa sighed, and began.
