Chapter 48
She still felt a bit disoriented but surprisingly enough, not tired.
She woke up in her room a couple of hours prior and found Clarke sleeping on the sofa.
"Clarke," she croaked. How long has it been since I used my voice?
Clarke woke up immediately, making it clear that her sleep wasn't very deep.
"I'm sorry," she apologized immediately. I hope it's okay I'm here. When I saw this was taking a while I didn't want you to wake up alone."
"Thank you," Costia commented sweetly. It was a considerate gesture and it was nice to wake up to a friendly face who could answer her questions right away. Even if Costia felt guilty about what happened right before she woke up.
When Lexa died they were together. Does that mean they're technically still a couple since Lexa still exists in some form?
The whole thing was too confusing. Even just considering that kissing Lexa, her soul mate, was in truth kissing someone else's partner was too much to handle.
"How long was I gone for?" she started with the easiest question.
"The whole day and the majority of the night, it seems," Clarke noted when she saw through the window that dawn was breaking. "How long was it for you?"
"Longer, I think," Costia provided. "Go get some sleep, Clarke. Real sleep," she ordered and stood up. She almost fell. Nearly twenty-four hours of sitting in the same position had its effects. Clarke stood up quickly and managed to grab Costia right before she fell.
"Next time you go on a whole day journey into the Flame maybe use the bed?" Clarke offered teasingly, helping Costia to the bed so she could sit down.
"Thank you," Costia smiled softly.
Everything is sore, she realized. She held Clarke's hands and slowly tried to stand up again.
"What do you think you are doing?" Clarke was horrified.
Costia quirked an eyebrow, as if to say "you might want to choose a different tone."
"I'm going to take a walk," Costia stated.
"No, you are not," Clarke objected, irritating Costia.
"Clarke, you are a doctor's daughter. Do you think that sitting down will help with getting my blood flowing after a whole day of, you know, sitting down?" Costia challenged.
Clarke huffed. She knew Costia was right. She had to walk around, she'd be better soon enough once she did, but Clarke was worried, worried enough to not ask her million obvious questions.
"Then I'm coming with you," Clarke declared.
"No, you are not. You need to sleep."
"Look who's talking!"
"I know it sounds weird, but I think I sort of… slept this whole time?"
Clarke looked at her dumbfounded.
Costia sighed. "Just go to sleep. We can talk about everything when you wake up," Costia assured. "Go. That's an order from your Commander."
And Clarke did, not happily, but she did. Right after asking if Costia at least managed to find Becca, which Costia confirmed.
And now Costia was standing in the throne room a while later, feeling guilty again. She really didn't want to discuss everything in the early hours of the morning but she knew that at some point Clarke would reappear and they'll have to address everything. Because Clarke would ask about everything, and Costia wouldn't want to lie.
"Heda," one of the guards announced, pulling her out of her reverie, "King Roan is here."
"Thank you, please let him in," she ordered.
Roan walked in, followed by six of his own guards who carried a heavy box. He nodded and once the guards placed the box gently on the floor, they all bowed. It was clear that they were instructed to treat the box with care. It was also clear, to her, that is, what was in the box, or rather, whom. She bit her lip anxiously.
"What you asked for, Heda," Roan motioned and bowed as well.
He delivered her himself, she realized. That counted for something. It meant that he respected her. Both of them. The one who was dead and the one who was still alive.
"Leave us," she addressed both his guards and hers. Everyone started exiting the room. "You, too, Titus."
"But, Heda," the Fosgona protested. He felt like she was too loose about her own safety.
"Don't worry, Fosgona," Costia assured. "King Roan and I are old friends," she stated flatly. Titus sighed but did as he was told. She knew that to him she was sabotaging his role as her Fosgona, she understood it all too well. If Lexa would have sent her away when Costia's role was to protect her, Costia would get very upset and frustrated. The difference was – Lexa never sent her away. They were no secrets between them, not after their conclave.
She sighed and made sure the door was shut.
"Does anyone else knows?" she asked Roan.
"No."
"And no one will," she ordered.
He seemed puzzled. He didn't understand the reason behind the request, but he nodded in compliance.
"Understood."
"Thank you, Roan," she offered sincerely. She knew he didn't do what he did because he was trying to side with where the power was, this was never his way. Sometimes it took him time to realize what was the right thing to do, but eventually, when he acted actively, he was motivated by his own moral code.
He remained stoic, not sure how to react to a sincere show of gratitude from the woman whom his mother imprisoned for years. He constantly felt like he had a lot to make up for, for his legacy's sake, for his peoples' sake.
Costia noticed his inner struggle. Before she had a chance to speak again he nodded and turned around to leave. He knew he hasn't been dismissed, but he almost preferred her scolding him than her thanking him.
But she wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily.
"You have something your mother never had, Roan," she started again, forcing him to turn around with a grimace on his face. "Honor," she added, enjoying seeing him squirm. "Your mother cared about power, you care about your people."
He remained motionless.
"When Leksa killed your mother it wasn't just about vengeance," she pointed out. "She knew what she was doing. That was her way of appointing you. Azgeda was a part of her coalition, her responsibility. With a leader like you the Ice Nation will be stronger and healthier than ever."
"Thank you, Heda," he finally blurted, realizing that she was right. He wasn't a default, he was a choice. He was wondering if he would ever be able to repay his debts to the deceased Commander and the current one.
"Now leave me," she allowed, "your torture is over." The relief was clear on his face as he bowed and did as he was told.
She was finally alone, scanning the box hesitantly. There was a part of her that didn't want to approach it. She knew she had to, though.
She opened the cover and gasped. Her lover laid there, so evidently lifeless, surrounded by huge chunks of already melting ice.
Costia touched her cheek, it was cold.
Costia's face contorted in pain. She raised Lexa's shirt up until she found what she was looking for. A gunshot wound, slowly healing, turning into a scar.
I talked to her just hours ago. I kissed her, Costia's brain was overwhelmed. Yet her lover was lying dead in front of her, making the difference between reality and almost-reality vividly clear.
They were separated for so long and when they finally met again Lexa was alarmingly alive, and full of emotions, but that was technically just in Costia's head.
She lowered herself so she could kiss Lexa's forehead, letting her lips tingle as they met the cold flesh.
"Hi."
Costia was on the sofa in her quarters, writing down everything she managed to remember from her time in the Flame. If she felt like she forgot something she just had to close her eyes, concentrate a moment, ask her question and it's as if the answer was whispered in her ear by an invisible someone. It was Waldron, it was Becca, it was Lexa, it was all of them.
Such a weird sensation, she thought, to understand so much, to have access to so much information, yet to understand nothing at all.
A soft knock on the door made her halt with a hand and a pen mid-air.
"Enter," she allowed and Clarke walked in.
"Clarke," she smiled softly, "you look rested, I'm glad." It was late afternoon which just showed how much her advisor needed the sleep. Costia herself, somehow, still didn't feel any fatigue. Not from the Flame, anyway. People were a completely different story.
"Yet you haven't slept at all, have you?" Clarke challenged, arms now crossed.
"No, but honestly, I'm fine. And I want to tell you about the Flame," Costia gestured at the sofa in front of her, where, unbeknownst to her, Clarke sat once, watching Lexa in her sleep, drawing her.
Costia may have not known, but Clarke thought about just that as she sat herself down at that spot for the first time since that day she drew Lexa.
She tried to push the thought away. "So you found her," she stated.
"It took a while, clearly," Costia chuckled, "but, yes. She's running a few simulations that will help us with the gene therapy."
"What else?"
"Not much, I'm afraid. We don't really have anywhere to run to, Clarke. And we can't, realistically, fight those fires. But we can still use the plants."
"How so?" Clarke inquired in confusion.
"We can send delegations, people with the new blood we'll synthesize, to get them exposed to radiation at its highest peak, and then come back and see if the gene therapy worked."
"If it doesn't this turns into a suicide mission," Clarke pointed out.
"I'm aware," Costia confirmed with a heavy heart. "Which is why Becca is running the simulations. But it's not like we have another choice. We have to make it, we have to test it, otherwise we're just waiting for the unknown."
"Not so unknown," Clarke sighed, "more like waiting to have our faces melt."
"Yes, that," Costia agreed, "so this process has to be done as quickly as possible so if it doesn't work, we have time to try again."
"If it doesn't work it means we sent people to their deaths."
"And if we don't send them we might have doomed all of our people," Costia reminded. She knew Clarke wasn't objecting, just hesitating. She also knew that when the moment came, Clarke would want to be one of those who went, same as Costia. But Costia couldn't take that risk, she knew that she was too valuable and so was Clarke. But that was an argument for another day.
"I know you are tired of all the death, Clarke," Costia tried to comfort her advisor, "believe me, so am I."
"But we have to do this," Clarke smiled sadly.
"Yes, we do."
"When do we tell the ambassadors?"
"As soon as I hear from Becca. I'm not going to bother with explaining all of this to them if we don't have something solid," Costia clarified and Clarke nodded in agreement.
There was one other question on Clarke's mind. A question that she knew she shouldn't ask, but she was too curios.
"Did you see Lexa?" she finally dared to inquire. Costia's eyes found hers. There was something about the way Costia looked at her that Clarke couldn't figure out. Not right away. But then she did.
Guilt? Clarke wondered. But if so, what about? There were so many options.
"I did," Costia admitted and looked away.
"Oh, that's good," Clarke feigned excitement. She didn't need to know more. The rest was between Costia and Lexa, but it was important for her to know that Lexa got the chance to talk to someone who meant so much to her, someone Lexa thought she had lost for good.
"I kissed her," Costia blurted and looked back at Clarke.
She kissed me, actually, Costia thought, but that technicality would have only hurt Clarke more.
"I'm sorry." She added quickly. She didn't tell that to Clarke to gloat. This was far from a gloating situation. It felt like it was a situation in which everyone was on the losing side, but Costia felt like she'd done wrong by Clarke, and she felt that she had to confess it, apologize for it.
Clarke seemed hurt by the admission but she masked it right away.
"Why are you sorry?" she asked with a scoff.
I can't possibly be jealous of something that technically only happened in Costia's head. Except that Clarke knew just how real it felt when she met Lexa, kissed Lexa, in the City of Light.
"When she died you were together," Costia sighed. "If she were still alive you would probably still be together. But since she does exist in a way, does that mean that when I kissed her you two were technically still…?"
She left the question unfinished. She knew that Clarke would understand what she meant. Clarke more than understood, Clarke realized that they were in a similar situation.
"And if you weren't dead you two would still be together," Clarke pointed out. "Except that you weren't actually dead, so does that mean that when we got together you two were technically still…?"
They looked at each other, trying to understand if either done something morally wrong. After a few moments Clarke started laughing. Costia joined her soon after. It was all as ridiculous as it was surreal.
It was night time and Costia was finally ready for an actual, real night sleep. No help from powders, no objections to dreams, just letting go. And if she happened to find herself inside the Flame, then so be it.
Clarke and her kept sitting in comfortable silence a while after their confessions. They realized that they've hurt each other with no choice of their own. But that was also what made them understand each other so well. They felt remorse and they respected each other for that remorse.
When Clarke finally stood up to leave Costia stopped her. "I don't know what would happen if I go back into the Flame."
"I think you do," Clarke smiled at her sadly. Clarke didn't add anything, but Costia could see acceptance in her eyes. As if she was telling Costia that as long as she didn't have to hear about it, they were okay.
What happens in the Flame stays in the Flame, Costia thought bitterly. On the one hand it made things easier. It was just her and Lexa, somewhere others couldn't touch or reach.
On the other hand, it was just her and Lexa somewhere others couldn't touch or reach. A fantasy. Yet a fantasy that they could both feel.
She sighed and shut her eyes, eventually drifting off to sleep.
She woke up inside the Flame. She realized she was on the cliff, by the cabin, watching over the ocean. Lexa was standing right in front of her, smiling, as if she's been waiting. She didn't say a word, she just offered Costia her hand.
I just saw her hours ago and she was cold and lifeless, Costia observed in awe.
Yet there she was, with a genuine happy smile on her face, her hand stretched for Costia to take, and her hair blowing in the wind. She was breathtaking.
"Will I even feel rested at all after this?" Costia inquired tentatively.
"Does it matter?" Lexa's voice was soft, calm.
Costia didn't need to ask what was going to happen. One look into Lexa's lust filled eyes and she knew. They didn't say anything else, but they both knew they were about to get reacquainted in a way that didn't require any words.
She took Lexa's hand and let her lover lead her to the cabin.
She couldn't have stopped it if she wanted to, and she didn't want to.
Notes:
1. You didn't actually think volume 2 will be without Hamilton references, did you?
2. Costia offering Clarke to sit on a sofa where she once sat and watch Lexa sleep - the famous "Bitanic" of course, episode 3X06.
