Chapter Forty-eight

"See these marks? Too precise ... only Imperial Guardsman are so accurate ... ah who am I kidding? Guardsmen can't shoot for shi-" - Last words of Brother-Captain Obee-Win

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ...

Two figures clash on a walkway above a great drop into the abyss, their swords meet with crackling energy ...

Warrior in Black Armour: "Your powers are weak old man! Once I was the student, now I am the master!"

Warrior in Gold Armour: "Only a master of evil Horus!"

Horus: "Your point being?"

Warrior in Gold Armour: Gestures to the broken body of Sanguinius."You killed my son!!"

Horus: "No Tracy ... I AM YOUR SON!!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Yeah I know that ... what's your point?"

Horus: "I dunno ... just going along with the Star Wars parody here ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Dude, does this look like Star Wars? I don't see any annoying teddy bears and bug-eyed fishmen stinking the franchise up, do you?"

Horus: "We do have the Tau"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "True ..." He suddenly remembers where he is and points his FLAMING SWORD OF AWESOME (and win) at Horus. "YOU DARE BETRAY ME?!?"

Horus: "All I said was I would like to de-throne you and conquer your empire in my name ... and butchered anyone who said differently ... is that really that bad?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "YES! I do the butchering and the mass genocide of anyone who disagrees with me, I enslave the galaxy in the name of my own twisted ideals, I wear the cool funky armour and act like I'm the biggest badass in the universe - BECAUSE I AM! Is your name in capitals? Is it Horus?"

Horus: "Not yet ... sure that'll change when I sit on that throne!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Mal's on it"

Horus: "What? Why?!?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Daemons in the webway, need it closed for the time being until the exterminators arrive ..."

Horus: "Grey Knights?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "They don't exist yet"

Horus: "Tell me about it. I could have done with some Defilers and Obliterators during that siege ... but nooo that's not a 'fluffy' battle. Apparently using models out of their time-zones is a big no-no ... like to see the fool try and explain that with Pert; poor guy was so devastated when I told him he couldn't use the Pete Haine's IW list ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I feel your pain; Dorn so wanted to use a simultaneous Terminator Deep Strike but I told him that's Lysander's special rule, not his" Mimics Dorn's stuck-up accent. "'BUT I'M A PRIMARCH!' ... cry baby ..."

Horus: "So ... shall we settle this once and for all?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Indeed ... like men ..."

Horus: "Like men ..."

They stand and face each other for what seems like an age ... then slowly walk forward until they stand at arms reach. They pull out their swords ... hold them to their sides ... then drop them.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Come on then. One ... two ... three! HA! ROCK BEATS SCISSORS!!"

Horus: "Oh bugger ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "HAH! I WIN! I WIN! THE GALAXY IS MINE! MINE!! OH YEAH!! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!?" Starts dancing, a strangely disturbing sight with all the hip-thrusting going on ...

Horus stands in complete embarrassment.

Horus: "Somehow I don't think this part will make it into the fluff"

Snap!

Horus: "Thanks Slaanesh ... I really needed that right now ..."

10,000 years later ...

Lion: "Hey Horus ... what's on your mind?"

Horus: "Hmm ... oh nothing ..."

Staring out of the bridge window, Horus stands oblivious to the throngs of servitors, thralls, and other unimportant characters running around ensuring the universe runs as normal while our main characters do the cool stuff. Perhaps one day they may get a name ... but not today ...

Lorgar: Leaning over the balcony staring at the immense holotable below and its flickering image of a vast world. "So this is Meredith IX?"

Vect: "It's a pleasant world, although the polar caps are prone to fierce snowstorms ..."

Horus: "It's an ice world?"

Vect: "No ... it's quite tropical"

Horus: "So there's snowstorms in the jungle?"

Vect: "No ... just the polar caps ..."

Horus: "Where they have jungle ... and snow?"

Vect: "No, there's no jungle at the polar caps ... hence 'polar' - it's just ice"

Horus: "But you said it's a jungle planet ..."

Vect: "Look! I know this is the main thing science fiction writers have difficulty grasping, but a planet is capable of supporting more than a single biome! They don't have to be like the ice planet Hoth, or the desert planet Tatooine!"

Horus: "So ... there's snow and jungle on a single world?"

Vect: "Yes ..."

Horus: "That's just silly"

Vect: He sighs. "So what's with the green landmasses and white tips on the planet?"

Horus: "Wait ... landmasses? So there's oceans as well?"

Vect: "Yes. Ice, jungle and water on the same planet! It's screwy isn't it?"

Horus: "This planet is an abomination!"

Vect: "No it just has a healthy ecosystem ..."

Horus: "ABOMINATION!"

Lorgar: "Will you shut up Horus? So where's the largest Exodite community on the surface?"

Vect: "Hugsville. It has a population of about seven million"

Lorgar: "What? That many?"

Vect: "What were you expecting? Small straw hut communities?"

Lorgar: "Erm ... yeah ..."

Vect: "So a community of Eldar, having lived on a world for ten thousand years, and not having any Path-like structure to their sex lives, are supposed to keep a small colony of easily defeat able groups of twenty or thirty?"

Lorgar: "Well ... yeah ..."

Vect: Mimes a phone to his ear. "Briiing ... briiing ... hello? This is reality calling Lorgar ... could he answer please?"

Lorgar: "You're destroying my carefully constructed view of the Eldar species!"

Vect: "Sorry to destroy that ... but we're not actually dying out. If anything having Farseers actively ensuring we never have to fight most of the time means we're actually ... erm ... growing"

Lorgar: "And you Dark Eldar?"

Vect: "How do you think we can support such a back-stabbing society?"

Lorgar: "Good point. So you're not dying out, and in fact are breeding like rabbits at a hippy convention ... speaking of which; 'Hugsville'?"

Vect: "Why do you think they exiled themselves from the Eldar Empire? This isn't a Boston Tea Party situation here ... they left because we weren't 'rad' enough for them"

Lorgar: "I thought Kabalite society was all about 'make love, not war'?"

Vect: "There's 'making love', then there's 'making love while simultaneously eviscerating each other' ..."

Lorgar: "How does that work?"

Vect: "Would you like a demonstration?"

Lorgar: "I'll pass thanks"

Vect: "All right ... does anyone else have anything they'd like cleared up before we begin?"

Horus: "Begin what?"

Vect: "Finding the Oracle ... or were you just here for the scantily-clad tree-hugging Eldar chicks?"

Horus: "Great minds think alike eh?"

Vect: "..."

Lorgar: Whispering. "Say yes and we can avoid the hassle ..."

Vect: "I cannot say the negative to that question"

Horus: "... so that's a 'yes', right?"

Vect: "The answer to that is not the negative"

Horus: "... so is that a 'no'?"

Vect: "I can say without hesitation that I cannot confirm that to be true"

Horus: "... I'm confused ..."

Lorgar: "He said yes ... stupid Eldar pride ... so Vect; lead the way to ... Hugsville ..."

Vect: "So much anger and hatred ..."

Lorgar: "It's a stupid name"

Vect: "You weren't hugged much as a child ... were you?"

Lorgar: "Just drop it"