Chapter 44 – Mid-night feeding
.
…
.
That night Bella fell asleep waiting for Edward to come to bed.
Whatever it was, this thing (test results, or whatever…) that Carlisle had wanted to speak with Edward about, it sure seemed to have turned into one mega lengthy conversation.
Despite her best effort to stay awake, Bella never heard Edward enter the bedroom. Her body and mind were simply too exhausted and sleep claimed her almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.
However, her sleep was not entirely a peaceful one. She dreamt about needles, blood and scary medical procedures. When she woke, she woke up from a particularly livid dream that felt so real that she could still feel her heart pounding in her chest. It had not been a nightmare per say, but an unpleasant one none the less. It had felt so realistic. Fragments and images of real, actual events had been flashing in her mind as clear as clear as if she had been seeing them with open eyes; a doctor in white latex gloves, a needle the size of a turkey baster (no exaggeration), some kind of verbal dispute over the necessity of having blood drawn and of course, Renee, waving an envelope in her hand, refusing to listen to reason. Now that Bella was awake, the dream still lingered like a ghostly memory from her past that she couldn't quite pinpoint…
Why would her subconscious create a dream around some petty argument she'd had with her mother regarding some kind of medical decision. She couldn't remember when, exactly, this had transpired, or why there had been a dispute in the first place (other than the fact that she hated needles). Was it that tetanus shot, she'd been forced to take when she'd stepped on a nail in 6th grade? It didn't quite fit, but that was all she could come up with at the moment. The 'not-knowing' affected her in the strangest of ways, leaving her feeling both anxious and distressed.
'Was this what Edward had gone through with his memory loss issues and his nightmares?' she wondered with a shudder.
It was silly to compare, of course. She knew that. Of course, she knew that. Because in Edward's case those dreams and those flashing images stemmed from repressed memories related to abusive situations in his past. So yeah, what Bella had just experienced obviously didn't come close to the horrific night terror Edward had lived through and still struggled with occasionally. Thankfully, he'd been doing much better lately and this particular night, he seemed to be enjoying a deep, dreamless and peaceful slumber beside her.
If only she could drift off and join him.
Bella checked the time and saw that it was three in the morning. The baby in her womb was calm for once and she figured she might be able to get a few more hours of shut eye, if (and that was a big IF) she could only manage to relax and get comfortable again.
She gave it a try, honestly, she did. But the thing was, as she was lying there, listening to Edward's soft snoring, she realized that she was kind of hungry… practically starving even.
Now, there was a giant, green, Granny Smith apple on her nightstand, placed there just in case this very scenario would occur. However, her growling stomach wasn't the only thing keeping her from falling asleep, she also recognized the tell-tale sign that she would need to pee very soon. Sighing, she knew she'd have to do something about her bladder first.
Quietly, she began untangle herself from the sheets. It took her almost five minutes to work her way off the bed. At one point, Edward let out a little grunt, and she turned to look at him. His eyes were still closed, his face relaxed. He was a light sleeper, so it was a bit surprising he hadn't sensed her moving around yet. The same thing could not be said about the baby, though. The little bugger was up and at it again. One hand on her protruding stomach, the other at the small of her back, she felt a little foot kick her palm.
Worth noting however, was the lack of a third little toddler sized person in the bedroom. She'd checked the baby monitor on the dresser as she crossed the room. It was definitely turned on and the volume was cranked up high, meaning Tony hadn't made a peep all night and he was still tucked away in his own bed, in the room, next door (hallelujah).
Once she had made it into the bathroom she sat down and peed for what felt like an eternity. She almost wished she had brought the apple with her, that's how long it took. After washing her hands she silently and very gracefully tipped-toed back into the bedroom - okay, she waddled, but without stumbling against anything or knocking anything over.
Back in the bed again, she struggled to make herself comfortable. The baby was still moving around quite a bit and she couldn't find her body pillow. She must have made some sort of noise, because Edward was suddenly stirring behind her.
"Mm, are you alright, love?" he mumbled sleepily.
"I'm fine," she assured him, holding back a wince, as a particularly strong kick hit her square in the ribs.
"You sure?" She heard him move closer, felt his arm come around her to rest on her hip.
"Yeah, I'm sure. If you would just stop hogging my pillow and go back to sleep, I'd be even better."
"Hmm?" he breathed against her neck.
"My support thingy, the pillow. You're hogging it. It's my possession. I own it," she reminded him, shoving on his shoulder to get him to move.
"Yeah, okay," he muttered, sitting up and finally letting go of said pillow.
After they both repositioned themselves again, they both laid very still and corpse-like side by side, trying not to disturb the other. At some point however, Edward's hand started rubbing soothing circles down Bella's hip and over her bump and slowly, but surely she felt herself relax again. She might even have dozed off a bit, until she remembered the apple, that is. And just like that another craving hit her…. and full force. And no, the apple perched on top of the bedside table didn't quite cut it this time.
So far her cravings had been rather manageable. She hadn't really bothered Edward with them more than a handful of times, and the things she'd craved in the past had been pretty healthy, normal stuff– fruits and veggies mostly – but right then and there, she really, really wanted to pig out on Chocolate Chip Cookies, with a dash of peanut butter and … ahhh some salami on top.
She tried to resist it, she tried to be strong. Breakfast was only a few hours away, but she felt like she was going to die on the spot if she didn't do anything about this craving straight away.
She tried to remember what groceries she'd seen in the fridge and cupboards. There had been eggs, but how many had Esme used when she made their lunch pancakes? Flour, sugar….She knew there was a jar of PB, and she'd seen some salami for sure, but sadly no chocolate anywhere...
She lifted her head off the pillow to check the time on her phone, seeing that it's now a quarter to four. She didn't want to have to get Edward involved (he'd laugh at her for sure), but she really, really craved those freshly baked cookies. She could bake them herself, no problem, but chocolate was one of the key ingredients. She needed chocolate!
"Honey?" she started out softly, but Edward didn't move. "Edward," she tried more forcefully. Still nothing.
"EDWARD!" This time she elbowed him, causing him to sit straight up in bed, scanning the darkness blindly.
"Wh-aaat?! Are you in pain? Is it the baby?" He went to flick the bedside lamp on and they both blinked in the sudden light. "You don't look like you're in pain," he told her, rubbing his face.
"Excuse me. I'll try to look more pained next time I wake you, if that makes you feel better," Bella snapped. Then, realizing that she needed his cooperation, she softened her voice. "The baby is fine. No contractions, or cramps, no pain." She squeezed her eyes shut, before she continued, "Don't laugh, but… but it's just that I just got this craving and now I can't sleep."
"You have a craving?"
"Yes," she opened an eye again to peer at him. "A really, really bad one and it won't go away. I feel like I'm starving."
In his defense, he didn't laugh. "All right, let's hear it," he sighed. "What is it this time? You already have your apple, so my guess is… uhm Kiwis? I think I saw some in the fruit bowl downstairs."
"No, um. It's Chocolate Chip Cookies," she admitted. No point in mentioning the other stuff just yet. He would only complain about what a disgusting combo it was. "Not store bought, " she hurried to add, because that part was important. "Freshly baked ones. I can make them myself, I just need you to help me round up the ingredients."
"First off, I'm not letting you go down to the kitchen in the middle of the night to bake. Forget it. Also, Swan you do realize I can't actually leave the house, right? It wouldn't be safe," Edward answered with a tired voice, then yawning. "No going out shopping for ingredients and no baking. I'm sorry."
Bella sighed, contemplating briefly if she could wake agent Tanner. But nope, had to scrap that idea. As urgent as this was, it was not a life or death emergency. Edward was her only hope.
"Just help me find something chocolate-y in this house that I can turn into cookies, please," she begged, feeling her bottom lip begin to quiver. She bit down on it harshly to prevent herself from crying. You don't cry over cookies, you just don't! That would be ridiculous!
"Hey, don't cry," Edward frowned, reaching over to wipe the wetness from her cheeks. "I'm not much of a baker, but I do know how to make Brownie-in-a-Mug."
"Brownie-in -a-Mug?" she sniveled. "The ones you make in the microwave?"
"Yes," he nodded. "It's easy. I just need butter, flour, sugar and cacao. I think we have all those things, or maybe not the cacao? But I know there is a box of hot cocoa mix packets in the pantry… and we have Tony's fish crackers. We can add those to make it crunchy more cookie-like"
Pressing her lips together, she considered the suggestion. "And peanut butter? Can we include peanut butter?"
"Of course," Edward planted a kiss to her cheek, before moving to get out of bed. He rummaged around in their bags for a bit, looking for some clothes to pull on. He finally settled for a pair of joggers.
"Stay were you are. It will take me ten minutes tops. Do you need anything else while I'm at it? A glass of milk maybe?"
"Um, actually….salami. I'd give just about anything for a few slices of salami on top of my brownie, please."
"Salami? You sure that's what you want?" he questioned, trying to hide his disgust, but failing completely.
"Yes, would I ask for it if I wasn't 100% sure," Bella nodded. "Baby wants salami," she added, rubbing her belly.
"That's one hell of an odd craving to have, but whatever …," Edward grumbled, running a hand through his hair. "I'll be right back."
"Thank you," Bella told him gratefully, feeling her stomach rumble loudly. "See, I told you. Please, hurry! We're hungry."
Time moved oh so slowly.
Bella tried not to think about how hungry she was, or how tired Edward had looked, or how guilty she felt for forcing him out of the bed. But seriously… he'd been gone for ages. Wasn't Brownie-in-a-Mug something you whipped up in a minute, or two?
The only time had ever made one, or rather supervised Phil while he made one, it had a quick affair. Mix, stir and microwave for about thirty-something-seconds. If Phil could be taught how to make one, anyone could. Her step dad was truly helpless in the kitchen and Renee was no better. They'd starve if they didn't have someone cooking for them.
Ugh…her mother, that was another direction she didn't want her thoughts to take. Wasn't it enough that she haunted her in her dreams? There was no escaping her, it seemed. Every single time Bella thought about anything remotely related to her childhood, she'd also think of Renee. Not good for the blood pressure. It made her feel exasperated, because even though they'd never been overly close, there would always be that unbreakable bond between them with their shared history and blood ties.
Blood ties…
Then, just like that the coin dropped. She'd figured out what her subconscious had been trying to tell her in her dreams. It made sense, or actually, it made no sense at all, but that was just Renee for you. Now, she just had to work out how it all fit together.
There was that unsettling feeling again… Chances were she wouldn't like what she found out.
Suddenly, she felt she couldn't stand to be alone one second longer. She HAD to go find Edward. She HAD to distract herself with something other than these stressful thoughts. She scurried out of bed and down the stairs as fast as her body would allow her, which, admittedly, wasn't very speedy at all.
.
….
.
The smell of burnt sugar was all over kitchen.
"Look at you all concentrated and shit."
It wasn't what she had planned to say, but he looked so cute with his oven mitts, bare-chest and sleep-tousled hair. She'd seen the tip of his tongue sticking out between his teeth and everything.
Edward looked up, startled, nearly dropping the spoon in his hand.
"What are you doing down here? I was just about to bring these up," he said, motioning to a tray of fancy ceramic coffee mugs on the countertop before him. They were handmade, no doubt, and looked almost too delicate to survive being put in a microwave oven. She didn't see any obvious signs of anything being broken or chipped, though.
"You were taking forever and I was getting lonely," she shrugged, peering around him to try and find the cause of the smell.
"Well, I've got one more mug to heat, then I'm done."
He went up to her and put his arm around her shoulder, steering her toward the table. "Why don't you go sit down while I finish this," he suggested pulling out a chair for her.
"Fine, if you insist," she agreed, but not without trying to sneak a glance at the mixing bowl and various utensils piled up in the sink. "So… are you going to tell me what happened? I wanna say it smells good in here, but…."
"I'm wounded, Swan! Here I am, slaving away to feed you," he replied, heading back over to the microwave, where he set the time and hit start.
"Well, you did volunteer and you did claimed you knew how to do this," she reminded him. "But seriously. What happened?"
"Well, the first one… I kind of overcooked that one, I think," he pointed at the sink, where she assumed he had discarded his first failed attempt. "The second one just looks disgusting and the third one got ruined because I added the crackers before heating it. Bad idea… "he said, standing back to watch the mug travel in circles inside the microwave.
"Geez, how many have you made?"
"A few," he admitted. "More than three, less than ten."
Just then, the timer on the microwave buzzed, "There, all done!" Putting on his oven mitts, he pulled the piping hot mug and placed it to cool on the tray with the others.
"Spoons, peanut butter, crackers," he brought the items to the table along with some milk he pulled from the refrigerator. "And here's the salami," he said, picking up a plate and setting it next to her. "Now as for the most delicious, well-made mug brownies you'll ever have…." He brought the tray of mugs to the table. "Give 'em a few more minutes to cool, and they are all yours."
"They look , honey," she replied, swallowing a lump she didn't know had appeared.
Looking at the stuff he had just lined up on the table before her, she realized nothing looked particularly appealing. She simply wasn't in the mood for anything chocolate-y anymore. However, upsetting Edward was the last thing she wanted to do. He'd gone out of his way to help her and now she felt awful because all she really wanted was the apple that had been sitting on her bedside table this entire time.
"Bella, you okay? What's wrong?" Edward asked, brows furrowed.
And that started the water works for her.
"It's stupid," she sniffled, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand furiously. "It's stupid, and you're going to hate me."
Edward was quiet for a moment. " I couldn't hate you. Even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to."
"You'll hate me, because I don't want the brownies anymore, Edward." She choked back a sob, knowing she was being irrational. "They sounded good, and they look fantastic, but now that you've finished them, I don't think I can eat them."
"Aww, you dissing my cooking again, Sunshine?" he replied calmly.
That only made Bella cry harder.
"That's alright, love. You're entitle to change your mind," he responded, sounding so sincere. "Anything els I can get you?"
"But… but… but you were so nice getting up to bake them for me even though it's the fucking middle of the night." She wiped at her eyes again, annoyed she couldn't seemed to stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks
"Sweetheart," Edward cooed, coming around the table to rub her back gently. "Shhh, baby. Deep breaths. It's fine, B, promise. Nothing to be upset over, alright? "
"You're so good to me and I keep crying over the dumbest, smallest things. I hate this." She let out her breath slowly, trying to calm herself down by controlling her breathing.
Edward crouched down next to her chair. "Please just tell me off if I'm wrong, but there is something else bothering you, isn't there? Did something happen I don't know about?"
"It's nothing," she replied almost instantly, looking away. "I mean, you're right. Something is bothering me, but it's nothing new, nothing to get worked up about. Just good old, screwed-up me and my good old screwed-up relationship with my mother."
"Renee? Has she tried to make contact?" His voice took on a surprised but not entirely shocked tone. "It's okay, you can tell me. You can tell me anything."
"No, it's not that. I haven't heard one single word from Renee since I last saw her in person or from Phil either, for that matter."
"Alright, so what is it then?"
"It's just, I dreamt something… and it wasn't the usual nonsense you can't remember in the morning. It was more… real. It felt real. I don't know how to describe it, but I think it was a latent memory coming through…. maybe…" She looked up at him carefully to gauge his reaction.
"Alright," he said gently. "I've had a dream or two like that in the past. Will you tell me what it was about?"
"You know how we've been talking a lot about Tony's allergies and genetic flaws and blood ties and things like that lately?" Bella asked, but it was a rhetorical question as she didn't wait for an answer. "Well, I just remembered something I hadn't thought about in years. You know how I told you my mother dragged me to a health clinic and had me tested for STDs and pregnancy that summer after Charlie caught us getting frisky in your car?"
That was clearly another rhetorical question, but he nodded yes, nonetheless.
"It's just that it wasn't the first time she did that. It wasn't the first time she forced tests, I didn't need and didn't want, on me. I mean, as a kid I hated needles and doctors and putting them together equaled pure terror. So it was always a struggle to get me to go to the checkups, not to mention the arguments we got into the few times I needed to go to the ER. However there was this one time, when I was a teenager, that we really, REALLY, got into it. She wanted to take me to a medical test center of some sort, to have numerous vials of blood drawn for 'carrier' testing and I didn't want to go, obviously."
"Carrier testing?"
"I'm sure there is some fancy word for it, but basically a series of tests you take to find out if you are a carrier of any inherited genetic diseases."
"Because of Charlies Alzheimer?" Edward guessed.
"No, this was before Charlie got ill. The thing is, Renee initially claimed the test was to check for allergies, which I thought sounded like complete and utter bullshit. My mother never really paid much attention to my physical wellbeing to begin with. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that she's never been the worrying kind, and I had never given her any reason to worry. I was perfectly healthy, with no health issues whatsoever. "
"Something had her worried."
"Yeah, something had her worried, because there she was, claiming, falsely I might add, that my eyes had been red and bloodshot a lot that spring and that the only explanation she could think of was drugs, or allergies. We argued about it, naturally.. I told her she was being ridiculous and she told me I should be glad it was just an allergy test, and that drug testing involves peeing in front of a stranger. And seeing as I was still a minor, my mother-..."
"…had the right to do whatever she felt was best for your health," Edward finished the sentence for her, choosing his words carefully. "Your health and her sanity. "
"What sanity?" Bella snorted. "But yeah, we argued and then suddenly she started talking about auntie Maggie and how fragile life is and how you can die from something as simple as a cold, or an allergy….or a genetic disease you didn't even know about."
"Oh, so this was after…?"
"Maggie's passing, yes. I believe it was around the six month mark or so. It still made no sense. I mean, we weren't truly related, so bringing up Maggie's diagnosis was kind of a mote point."
"But she did die from influenza, did she not?"
"Well, that and pneumonia, so yes, my mother actually DID have a point about life being fragile. Once she mentioned Maggie, I didn't have it in me to fight her anymore. I figured the whole thing was her backward way of processing and grieving. Also, like you said I was still a minor, so…." She trailed off, shaking her head.
"So you had your blood drawn for those tests. What happened next?
"A few weeks later she showed me an envelope and said the results had come in and that they were all good. She wouldn't let me read them myself, but she took me out for dinner to celebrate and that was the end of it. We never spoke of it again and I haven't thought about any of this in years. I didn't think it would ever matter. Maybe it does now, maybe it doesn't."
"Can I ask something?"
"Sure," Bella looked up. "What do you want to know?"
"Knowing what we know now, do you think that maybe-… she wanted you to have your blood drawn for a paternity test?"
"Yeah, that's what I was wondering too," she admitted. "But if that's what it was, then I don't get she waited that long to get it done. I mean, I was a sullen, uncooperative teenager. Wouldn't it have made more sense to do it while I was still an infant? Why risk rocking the boat? Charlie wasn't even in her life anymore."
"Was this before or after she met Phil? You've said before that she changed after meeting him, that she became concerned about the outward appearance and how she was perceived by others. She didn't want her past coming back to bite her in the ass. She had to find out, to be prepared, in case her secrets were exposed."
"Nope, this was before Phil, so that's not it," Bella shook her head. "I think, I just have to accept the fact that she is batshit crazy and that it started a lot sooner than I ever realized." She sighed, vigorously rubbing her forehead, as if it might ease the headache, before it has a chance to take hold. "Seriously Edward, this is your last chance to jump off the Crazy Train that is my life before it all goes to hell! "
"I'm not going anywhere," Edward cut in, voice reassuring. "You've got my baby in there." He put his hand on Bella's belly. "Also, you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I have ever met, butmy life would be nothing without you in it. "
She leaned into his touch, placing her hand over his. "Love you." It came out as a whisper but that didn't mean that Edward didn't hear it any less.
"Love you, too, babe." There was a smile in his voice. "Even when you kick you out of the bed in the middle of the night to feed you."
"I-… I've already apologized and you volunteered-…"
"I'm teasing you, Bella" he pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. "Late night feedings… I reckon this is practice for what's to come. I've heard sleep is a precious and scarce commodity for parents of newborns "
"Oh, that reminds me… Do you think you could make me a fruit salad?" she asked sheepishly. "With apples and limes and-…."
"Kiwis," he finished the sentence for her. "I can do that." He gave her belly one final little pat, before he straightened up and began clearing the table.
"Uhm… could you maybe…leave the peanut butter and Salami, please!"
Edward's nose wrinkled, but he nodded. "Whatever you want, Swan."
….
AN: If you don't see another chapter before Christmas, then Merry Christmas and enjoy the holidays!
