"It's easy to curse someone for doing something horrible
And ignore the reason they did it in the first place."
-Unknown
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Head still spinning with the information he had just been given, Joe tried to walk straight as he worked his way towards the bathroom.
I can't believe that. It… how could she not have known? How could NONE of us have known? That the man who had been beating her, raping her… had never had the damn privilege to be in her house in the first place?
It was maddening, but he couldn't let it occupy his thoughts, not then. His mind was continuously drawn back to the previous night and all of the hell that had come with it. Walking the hallway as carefully and quietly as though it were a haunted house, Joe kept looking over his shoulder and around corners for signs of either Mikasa or Sasha, silently praying he wouldn't encounter either of them on his way to the bathroom.
"What the hell is the matter with you? Neither of them have the wherewithal to do a damn thing to you… "
He ignored Dust and continued his cautious advance; just when he thought he might be able to reach the lavatory without any unwanted encounter, voices came from around the corner of the hall, with still two doors between him and his destination.
"You surely understand that we can't exactly just take your word on this."
"No, no, no, I'd be shocked if you did. But I'm afraid you don't exactly have a choice other than to go with this, and after the fact, when you see that I was telling the truth, we may begin moving towards trusting each other… "
The voices of Mikasa and Zeke respectively caused him to freeze and adopt an expression of panic. Swearing quietly, he looked around and, as he heard the footsteps and voices drawing just towards the corner, he looked at a very slightly cracked door and threw himself through it, kicking it back to almost closed with his foot as he hit the ground. The sounds of the two in the hall neared until they were right outside the door and a harsh knock sent a stab of fear into him.
"Pardon me, miss, but ten minutes out!"
Zeke's voice called inside apologetically before he and Mikasa moved on, walking out of earshot and Joe put his hands over his eyes letting out a sigh of relief.
"What exactly was that all about?"
Opening his eyes and looking up towards the ceiling, he saw Florian frowning down at him, long blonde hair like the pendulous foliage of a willow tree. Grimacing, he pulled his tremendously stiff body to his feet; his back was almost completely numb, and he was sure that if not for the painkillers he was juiced with, he would have been writhing on the ground in agony.
"Sorry… "
Joe opened his mouth to explain, but as he met Florian's expectant and angry eyes, he realized he didn't know what to say.
He hadn't had a chance to talk one on one with her since before the attack on the cabin, and he had a feeling that wasn't on accident. She had been avoiding him for likely a multitude of reasons and he could hardly blame her. Not only had he essentially lied to her for the period of time he had known her out in the boonies, but he also had gotten back together with Mikasa with hardly a warning towards Florian who, in almost all regards, had treated him in a much different way from a lover's aspect. She had opened up to him, comforted him, offered herself to him, purely on the basis that she felt it was right. He honestly couldn't believe that she wasn't right alongside Ymir, trying to bury a knife in his back.
"Well?"
Her tone grew in impatience and Joe realized with a start that she was wearing only her underwear. Directing his eyes as politely as he could elsewhere, he swallowed as he fixed his gaze on the light fixture above inside the square room.
"I uh… just was trying to not… sort of avoiding, you know… "
It struck him how bizarre the truth would sound. Was he really going to tell her how he was feeling? When he really didn't even know what that feeling was? Shaking her head, she turned away and moved towards the clothes resting on her bed.
"Whatever."
She didn't tell him to leave, but the cold-shouldering was shockingly painful. Of all the people in the building… in the WORLD, Florian was the one person Joe had felt the most comfortable speaking to, leaning on. Now, she wanted nothing to do with him, and while he knew he deserved that, and worse, he couldn't bear the fact that she couldn't seemingly stand the sight of him.
"Florian… "
He hoped she would look at him, but she only shook her head as she straightened out the shirt she was about to pull over her head; the slashes across her chest were still painfully obvious.
"Just get out, Joe, please."
It wasn't as cold a tone, but the words were as frigid as they could be. Slowly, Joe turned for the door, feeling an overwhelming sense of despair alongside his anxiety and worry. He took several short and quiet steps before stopping and gritting his teeth tightly.
I can't… I can't.
"I'm terrified of her."
The words left his mouth calmly and as straightly as though he had been commenting on the weather. He didn't dare turn around, but he the powerful silence that followed his words indicated she had stopped moving. Realizing that all he could do at this point was speak, and pray for her to not throw him out, he closed his eyes and let his mouth become a translator for the roaring feelings that had been pounding him since the night previous.
"She… I don't know what she's become. I don't know, maybe this has always been who she is, but I… I don't know what to do. It's like… I'm only there to just satisfy her. I don't think anything I could say would do anything to… I don't think she would listen. And after last night… I… I really am, I really am scared of her."
His eyes remained startlingly dry through all his words, but as he thought to Sasha's face, to her tears, they didn't stay that way.
"And… after last night… I don't know what to do. I really don't. I love her, I still do, but I… don't recognize her anymore. It's like she's looking at me from the other side of a glass wall that just keeps getting foggier and foggier and I can't… "
Cutting off, he let his body shiver and remained still. If she wanted him to leave still, he couldn't refuse at this point, but just being able to put into words what he didn't understand had offered him a tremendous amount of relief. For that, he was grateful, even if the girl behind him who he still cared for immensely couldn't care less about him. Then, as though a prayer had been answered from on high, she spoke, voice now alert, but soft.
"What happened?"
Without any predisposition or deliberation, he began to speak, revealing every detail about the previous night. It was like someone else was telling the story, and he listened just as much as he knew she was. With every sentence, he felt his body slump against his will and he put a hand on the door to keep himself upright. He wanted to fall over and cry, just like he had in his bed an hour before, but he knew he couldn't anymore. When he finally finished talking, he raised his head and took deep breaths to keep himself steady.
Florian hadn't said a word, and he hadn't a clue how she was about to react. He wouldn't have been surprised if she cursed him as a coward, told him he was pathetic, called him and Mikasa rapists, or even attacked him. Any of them would have been a viable response.
"She's not like she was when I met her, she wasn't like this, not… you didn't know her, but she was kinder, calmer, I never knew her to do anything like this. The world is so completely backwards, I can't… "
She continued to let him ramble, for which he was immensely grateful.
"Nothing makes sense anymore, not a FUCKING thing. I don't know why or what's happened that has made everything so… different. So wrong."
He thought back to spending days at Ilse's house playing video games, going to the gym with Sasha and Ymir, spending nights with Mikasa. Sure they had all still been criminals, but it had seemed so… right. Now, nothing was as it should be, everything seemed broken, askew, out of place…
Nothing I did made a difference for the better. In the end, all it did was make things worse.
After close to a minute, he heard quiet footsteps behind him. Fingers slowly slid over his shoulders and he managed to keep from gasping at the touch; unlike anything he had felt on the previous night, her warmth was enough to bring him a comfort unlike anything he had felt in a long time. Dropping to his knees, he felt her slowly slide to hers as well. Her fingers gently rubbed against him before he felt her head rest against his back.
"I'm so worthless… "
Finally, he had the gall to speak the truth. She didn't try to refute him.
She can't.
In all of this, she hadn't anything to say, and Joe realized that there wasn't anything she could say. He wasn't privy to any assurances that it would be OK, anything that told him he wasn't to blame, or anything resembling kindness, but she was giving it to him anyway. It was small, but in that moment as he lowered his head and felt her against his back, he knew it was by far more than he deserved.
A sharp knock caused him to jump to one foot and he felt Florian almost catapult away from him as the door swung open just after the rap. Reiner had his head down with a hand up to block his eyes.
"You decent?"
He heard Florian swallow indignantly at his intrusion before replying.
"Yes."
Reiner didn't step in, but looked around and his gaze locked on Joe.
"There you are. Zeke's looking for you."
Joe slowly got to his feet, knowing very well what that might mean.
"Did… did he… "
Reiner gave a slow nod and Joe nearly knocked him over, eager as he was to leave the room. Slamming on his heel, he turned around to see Florian watching him with eyes both hurt, sad and angry. With Reiner standing there, he couldn't say what he wanted to, but when he remembered how happy he had been when it had just been the two of them in his camper, he choked on the only word he was able to manage.
"Thanks."
Then, he ran for his room, praying what he thought had happened was true.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
It took both a period of about fifty minutes and not being able to stand the smell of her own vomit that finally convinced Sasha to straighten up and try to stop crying. She knew that there were only minutes between when she was supposed to be meeting with the rest and hear what Zeke had to say to them all, so she wiped her face, spat into the toilet once more for good measure, and exited the bathroom before the bowl had even finished flushing. Giving her head a quick shake to try and break herself from the depressed trance she had found herself in, she started for where their few belongings had been left, eager to pull on her hoodie for its warmth.
"Sash."
Gasping and almost twisting her angle as she turned around, she saw Jean standing just behind her, a small pile of laundry on one hand and wearing a bemused expression.
"Are you okay?"
"I… yeah, you just… yeah."
He cocked his head slightly.
"Have you been crying?"
All the tact of a blunt axe.
"No, just woke up though."
He didn't seem convinced, but handed her the clothes without pressing the issue.
"Alright. Don't know where he got clothes for all of us, but I'm kind of grateful for something new to wear… Be at the door in five, I think we're just about ready for… "
The nerves he was trying to hide reared their face then and Jean pursed his lips.
"… whatever's next."
Nodding in thanks, she looked after him until he was around the corner before jogging back into the bathroom, placing her clothes by the sink and throwing up into the toilet again.
What's the matter with me?
It was a stupid question, she knew damn well what the matter was. She just didn't know if she was capable of facing it. Her memories flashed to high school when she had met Mikasa for the first time, a quiet, tired-looking individual who had always spoke politely if briefly. Sasha had felt had for her and tried to befriend her to the best of her abilities and after months and months of prying, she had finally begun to open up.
She seemed so… weak… what… what changed?
Despite her efforts to prevent it from happening again, a mental argument exploded in her head.
You were way out of line, what did you think was going to happen?
Regardless, why did it come to that? I hardly did a thing…
You kissed him, for Christ's sake.
I was… so helpless. I needed someone.
And you chose him? Even if you liked him somewhat at some point in the past, how does that justify what you did?
She didn't beat the shit out of me, or anything like that.
Isn't sex what you wanted?
Not… not like that…
You're a stupid girl and got what you deserved for something so idiotic.
The battle in her head raged for over a minute before she finally managed to quell what was tearing her so badly apart. She couldn't hide from it, not really, but she could hide it from everyone else. But as she pulled on her fresh clothes, she couldn't help but wonder if she would even be able to glance at Mikasa now without bursting into tears.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"Do you not understand what a perfect opportunity this is?!"
"Your idea of perfect is not exactly a match for what mine is."
"You do get that this is precisely the thing that could bring real power over Kenny?! This is exactly the thing that could get you literally everything you want!"
Zeke stopped pacing and turned to angrily face Joe who had been following in his steps like an eager puppy.
"And then what?! You don't seem to get that I don't want to make enemies with Kenny. I want to remove him from behind the scenes, at my own pace, and with nothing to trace his fall back to me. This… that what you have lain before me would undoubtedly work in favor of removing him quickly and efficiently, but I have every reason at that point to fear retribution."
Joe continued to stare at him determinedly; he knew what could be gained by this.
"So leave it to me. Leave me to be the one take the fall, if there's a fall to be had. He didn't need to know you had anything to do with this."
Zeke let out a hollow laugh, unlike the hearty and contagious chuckles Joe had heard briefly at the Christmas dinner, this sounded far more genuine.
"He'd believe that you accomplished that all by yourself?"
"Yes."
As Zeke fixed him with a skeptical look, Joe stared back just as intently.
"He knows I'm capable of a lot. I've cheated death more than once. I don't have many skills beyond that and being a good shot, but is he really going to take the time to try and trace outside help I had? Won't he just go for me, if he goes for anyone?"
"And what happens when he gets you?"
"He won't."
Zeke snorted. Not willing to lose this fight, Joe opened his mouth to push forward, but Zeke cut through his first syllable smoothly.
"Regardless, this is something that has to be done within the time span of only about five or so hours. After that, the meeting is done, and we lose this immediate advantage."
"So let's do it now then!"
"I can't go and neither can any of my skilled and trusted associates. The only ones I could spare for this are grunts, who I wouldn't trust with anything other than driving box trucks of product, as that's all they know how to do."
"That's fine, so just… "
"And your friends, they can't be exempt from what's about to happen. I've agreed to keep you out of this meeting, and only you."
Crossing his arms, Joe winced inwardly at the painful tug in his recovering shoulder.
"Then just use me."
He couldn't tell then, if Zeke was incredulous, unbelieving, or both, as he fixed him with a very bemused stare.
"You can accomplish this all by yourself."
"Yes."
"And be back to the meeting before its conclusion."
"Yes."
He could see Zeke ready to make some sarcastic remark and tell him to get going, with nothing more than the clothes on his back, so he pressed his advantage.
"All I need are some guns, preferably with silencers, and a box truck and a driver."
He allowed a gently smirk to cross his face.
"I know you have at least two of those three things."
Leaning back on his heels, he waited for Zeke to shoot him down, to call him crazy. But, to his carefully stifled bewilderment, Zeke watched him for several quiet seconds and finally sighed.
"Stay put. I'll be back in a couple minutes."
As he left the room, he muttered gruffly over his shoulder.
"We'll see about your guns."
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
The atmosphere of what essentially seemed like a break room was tense and thick as Ymir entered as quietly as she could. Around a relatively circular table, everyone was already sitting; Historia had Ilse tucked over her shoulder and looked relieved as Ymir entered the room; Jean was rocking back and forth with his elbows resting on his hands; Florian didn't seem aware of anything around her and was staring at the floor with a very sick look; Sasha was standing in the corner and looked on the verge of having a nervous breakdown; Annie was slowly moving her gaze around everyone in the room, as though waiting for someone to react in a way that would require her action; and then there, straight-backed and stone-faced, Mikasa sat. She didn't turn to regard Ymir as she entered the room, for which Ymir was glad. Sliding down next to Historia, she looked back at the door she had entered and the one on the other side of the table, waiting for Zeke's entrance.
"Where were you?"
Despite the fact that there was no reason to be silent, Historia hissed at her as opposed to simply asking and Ymir made a gesture towards her rear. Giving her a look as though the juvenility of her motion was beyond her, the blonde looked back forward just as the door on the other side of the table banged open and a very stressed looking Zeke hustled in.
"I'm sorry for my tardiness… I hope I'm not too late… "
He fumbled briefly through about four of his pockets before he finally excavated a phone and checked the time.
"Ah, only a minute or two, excellent, excellent… "
Ymir was hard pressed to think of a situation that was less excellent then the one they were presently forced into, but she held her tongue. Zeke walked to the front of the table and rested his knuckles upon it slowly as he gently built towards what he was going to say.
"Today… I will require some of you to accompany me to Kenny Ackerman's meeting downtown. It will likely take a bit of time in discuss matters that may seem of little consequence to you."
Ymir spoke without thinking.
"I don't know, handing us over to be probably tortured to death seems pretty fucking consequential."
Historia gasped and Florian shot her a look, but Zeke didn't seem to pay much notice to the rudeness of her comment, rather, he seemed to take stock in its meaning.
"After much consideration… while I must bring you along… I will not be placing you under the custody of Chief Ackerman as a sign of good will."
There was a quiet that was split seconds later by Jean's weak voice.
"You're… not?"
Zeke shook his head.
"No. Under a single condition. When I enter that building with you at my side, Kenny will surely be thrown off and start flinging accusations. It is imperative that you do not reveal that I know anything about the war between your two groups, and that I am working with you purely innocently without any knowledge of the transgressions you have committed against each other."
It seemed almost too good to be true; Ymir saw Sasha seem to come out the mental lock she had placed herself in.
"And we'd just be… people you started to work with recently?"
"I've ironed out a tight story that I will present; the lot of you happened upon Reiner and claimed to be on the run; as we all work in the same business, I offered asylum from what I thought was the police, when in fact it was. I will appear tremendously surprised when Kenny likely informs me that I am mistaken as to the reason you all had taken flight."
Jean's face had grown hopeful, if suspicious.
"You'd do that for us?"
As though fearful of being thought of as compassionate, Zeke straightened his back formally.
"Firstly, if I have no reason to hand you over by way of ignorance and feigned innocence to the situation, this will surely persuade Kenny that I am someone who needs to be won over just as much as I secretly with to do the same to him. Giving you to him now would be a sign of good will, but will convince him I'm nothing more than a sycophant."
He looked down then, for the first time not meeting any of their eyes.
"Secondly, I cannot hand over you in good conscience, not when I don't know the whole story."
Another short silence fell before Mikasa cut into it, her tone all ice.
"Earlier… when we spoke… you said my father would be there."
Ymir felt her eyes double in size and Historia stiffened next to her. Presently she had no love for Mikasa, but the mere mention of her father sent a rush of awful memories through her gut. Zeke looked to the raven-haired girl calmly; it was clear they had been the only two to discuss this part of the situation. Ymir wondered if he had offered to keep it a secret.
"I did."
"Then you should know, if you really are planning on doing this for us, he will want me. Regardless of what you say, he will threaten, wheedle and downright assault you if you do not give me over to him."
A troubled look passed over his face as Zeke considered her words.
"What… power does he have to ensure that those orders would be followed?"
Mikasa shrugged, a curious amount of apathy in her movements.
"I don't know about his relation to Kenny Ackerman or anyone else at this meeting. I don't know of his connections within the drug business either, but outside he had many connections. And if he's coming to this meeting, I think we can assume that he is someone of significant status."
Zeke's troubled face did not grow less.
"You make it sound as though I will not be able to prevent you from being taken by him."
Mikasa met his eyes then.
"You won't. I think it would be better… "
Since she had begun to speak, she finally showed a brief streak of hesitation.
"… it would be better if you handed me over to him."
Annie turned to her, blonde hair whipping about with the speed of her movement.
"What?! Don't be stupid, you can't… "
As though there had been no interruption, Mikasa spoke over Annie, unblinking.
"I just have one condition I'd like to ask of you."
Seeming very put off by the whole situation, Zeke shifted his weight and crossed his arms, but nodded for her to go on.
"That being?"
"Until he's healed… until he's ready… I need you to take care of Joe."
Despite the fact that she could have seen this coming from a mile away, Ymir had a tough time resisting the urge to turn away and snort. Zeke seemed to have anticipated this as well; while he didn't speak, no surprise was evident on his face.
"You don't put him in any danger. You keep him safe. You promise me that, and I'll let you hand me over without a fuss."
Still looking troubled, Zeke cracked his knuckles against the table.
"I have come to understand, however… you and your father don't exactly entertain the best relationship."
Again, Ymir spoke without thinking, preceding it with a harsh laugh.
"Understatement of the fucking century."
Historia drove a fist into her thigh, but Mikasa paid her no mind. She kept her eyes on Zeke as though they were the only two in the room.
"We don't. But it doesn't matter. He'll use his position as Kenny's brother to make it even more impossible to be able to keep me on this side."
Ymir felt a quickly squashed wave of respect as Mikasa glared forward, steel in her eyes.
"But I'm not afraid of him."
Finally lowering himself into a chair, Zeke seemed to ponder this carefully. Ymir swallowed and leaned back, reaching over to brush Ilse's cheek over Historia's shoulder. It was then she caught sight of Sasha who now looked like she was doing everything in her power not to throw up all over herself. She realized that she hadn't seen Sasha since the night previous before they had all went to bed, and began to wonder if something was the matter.
"Hey, are you… ?"
Before she could even put together her question, Zeke slapped his palms on the tabletop.
"Very well. I have no problem accepting those terms. Though I dislike the idea of giving you to a man with the reputation he's built for himself."
Mikasa's expression didn't change and when she said nothing more, Florian seemed to think she could intervene with a question of her own.
"I'm sorry, but… when you said you were taking us into town… you said some of us. Not all of us."
It almost seemed as though he had been waiting for someone other than himself to bring it up, though he spoke with a very subdued tone.
"Correct. Having taken into consideration my intel that there will be someone there very interested in the Reiss family, I have elected to keep Historia, Florian and Ilse here."
A sickly hot fist dug its way into Ymir's gut, but before she could interject, Zeke looked wearily to her.
"And considering your relation to this beautiful young woman and her child… "
He gestured.
"… you are welcome to remain behind as well."
Ymir's stomach rolled over as she met his eyes. Still, after all the times they had been near each other, Zeke hadn't seemed to give any sign that he knew who the girl in front of him was. Ymir wished her memory was as poor, but she would never be able to forget what he had done to her, and she knew that no matter what he offered, no matter what he said or did, she would only ever be able to regard him as the person who had taken the last of her innocence.
The hand he had gestured with moved to point towards the right wall to where Ymir assumed something lay beyond he wanted to point out.
"We… we meaning myself and my people… will be entertaining more guests from out of town within the next few days, people very interested in the underground economy of this state. While I have no reason to believe they will know anything about you, nor of the people looking for you, I would rather not risk keeping the four of you here; there is a small residence building just beside this compound I would ask you to remain in until they leave on the morrow."
He stopped talking and it seemed as though waiting, and hoping, for confirmation that this arrangement would be satisfactory. Having had her hand on Historia's back, Ymir could feel her quivering.
"Thank… "
The blonde stopped then, but her intent of speaking had become clear.
"Thank you."
Zeke turned to regard her calmly.
"I have sinned grievously against you all, against people you care for. I can't begin to make it right, but hopefully a gesture such as this will convince you of my honesty. Or at least start to."
Kind words, but Ymir had trouble believing them; it then struck her that this was probably simply because she wasn't sure she could trust anyone ever again, especially not the man who had wronged her so badly all those years ago. Still, she didn't dare speak against what he had said, but as she looked off to her left, she could see the suspicion written across Sasha's face, a small mix against the sickness that dominated it. Drumming his fingers in a harsh rhythm once over the table, Zeke stood.
"The rest of you, we will be leaving in about ten minutes. Any goodbyes… "
He made no eye contact with any of them.
"Make them quick."
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Joe paced his room frantically as he waited for Zeke to return. He had a sneaking suspicion that the older man had only told him everything he had in order to keep him in his room; Joe was sure his odds of actually being able to go through with this were lessening by the second.
He can't really want me around as a soldier, can he? And even if he did, what's he risking in all this besides my life? This is a no brainer for him, just let me take the chance…
As he heard footsteps outside his room, instinct told him to dive back into his bed and feign sleep; if Zeke had come knocking, then he would spring up, but as a painful tear widened in his heart, he realized he didn't want to be awake for anyone else. Even her.
The knock that sounded so faintly it may have been someone brushing the door on accident ensured him that it was not Zeke who had come to see him. Closing his eyes and taking deep measured breaths, he listened as the door clicked and opened silently and quiet steps made their way to his bedside. A weight pressed down on the part of the bed near his chest, and he could tell that someone had sat down beside him. Moments later, fingers slide themselves through his hair to gently caress his head.
"We're going now."
Mikasa's voice was very soft. She stroked him a few moments more before adding four more words gently.
"I know you're awake."
He sighed and opened his eyes slowly. She was watching him without a trace of real emotion, though she continued to stroke him as though he were a cat.
"Sorry."
"I think I'm supposed to say that."
He hadn't expected this and looked up at her.
Maybe?
"Why?"
Her fingers stopped at the top of the back of his neck as she seemed to deliberate something.
"What I did. What I pulled you into."
Joe honestly didn't know what to say to this and he was only able to weakly manage a few words.
"I… I thought you were going to KILL her… not that… "
She shook her head dismissively.
"I don't know if Sasha has ever had feelings for you. But even if she had, or does, that doesn't matter. Last night she wasn't looking to take you that way."
Her eyes glazed slightly.
"Sex has always been her escape. Or at least, sexual activity. I remember one day junior year of high school, she botched a chemistry test real bad and was terrified of taking home another bad grade to her father."
She paused and Joe wet his lips slowly.
"And?"
A genuine, yet faint smile crossed over her face, causing him to remember all the reasons he had fallen in love with Mikasa in the first place.
"And I went down to get some sporting equipment from the weight room during lunch and found her in there with one hand down her pants and the other jamming some random guy's cock in her mouth."
Joe could feel the scandalized look on his face.
"Christ."
"Yeah. Began to notice a pattern of Sasha winding up in situations like that following stressful situations. Brought up to Ilse at one point and she said not to worry, it's been her way of coping for years."
She gave him another smile.
"You're not even remotely close to the first guy who's been in her."
Not remotely amused as her expression suggested he should be, Joe shifted uncomfortably under his covers.
"You still… shouldn't have done that."
Her smile faded quickly enough to send a current of fear back into his veins.
"Did she try and stop me?"
"I… no, but… "
"Sex is what she wanted. Sex is what she got."
"She didn't… "
"Don't you think she would have stopped me if she didn't want that?"
Joe burst out then, knowing his pent-up emotions could land him in hot water with Mikasa, but knowing they would tear him apart if they remained inside him any longer.
"Did you see her face?! At all, during that entire period?! She was in shock, depressed, in pain, and instead of trying to help her, or talk to her, you sat her on my fucking dick!"
Tears blurred his vision then as the fight began to leave him as quickly as it had leapt up.
"And I let you."
He looked down then, unable to meet her eyes, and terrified of what he might see if he did.
Oh God, I am scared of her. I really am, I really don't know what she'll do, I can't predict her, I can't understand her anymore…
"Fine."
Her tone had become stiff and he felt hairs on his neck rise that had nothing to do with her fingers being there. Looking up, he swallowed and watched her look down at him, a very mild betrayed look in her eyes.
"I'll apologize to her when we leave, shall I?"
No, you won't.
He didn't call her out on what he knew was a lie, though, he was in a deep enough hole as is.
"You're leaving?"
"To the meeting downtown, yes."
A hard lump formed in Joe's throat, strong enough to where he propped himself up in order to breathe properly.
"You're… all going?"
"Everyone save for you, Historia, Florian, Ymir and Ilse."
This was a tremendously odd lineup, and Joe could feel his brow furrowing.
"How… why… "
"Don't worry about it now. I may… "
She moved as if to stand, then seemed as though she was unable to move.
"I may not see you for a while."
These words, that may once have filled him with fear, drove a very different emotion into him.
"Why?"
"My father will be there."
Then, the fear came. Joe sat up so quickly that, even with all the painkillers flooding his body, he growled in pain at the stress on his back. Mikasa placed a hand on his chest, though she looked unsure if she should push him down or not.
"What?! And you're going?!"
"Yes."
Blinking frantically, he shook his head.
"I think I need to have a chat with Zeke!"
He actually made to stand up, but she pushed him back this time; he glared up at her, knowing he would be well unable to combat her strength.
"Does he know what… "
Knowing what he knew then, he couldn't believe he was able to sputter out the next two words of his sentence.
"… your father has done to you?!"
"Well enough, yes."
He gripped her upper arm in a panic now. Was this why she was so indifferent, so unconcerned with everyone around her, so… emotionless?
"You can't go! You said I may not see you again for a while, I know what that means!"
His hysteria mixed with his odd tone of triumph as though he had just figured out some tremendous secret. She continued to look at him with the same apathetic look, though she took his hand slowly from her arm to hold it in hers. Her lack of a reply spurned him onwards; it all made sense now, her actions last night, her strange attitude that had him so on edge.
"I won't let you! You leave to see him and… "
The words caught in his throat.
"I'll never see you again."
No reply still and he began to feel as though he was in a dream, where he would scream warnings to someone far off, yell at them to get away, to run, but no matter how loud he shouted, the person would pay him no heed as his calls became more and more desperate. After near a minute of him staring with fright at her, she seemed to sag slightly as though a huge weight had just dropped itself onto her.
"Joe… "
He could hear the question in her voice and he looked at her expectantly.
"Hold me."
And she lay her head on his chest, sliding arms around his near-numb back; moving his mouth wordlessly, he did as she requested, feeling her warmth and feeling her breathe slowly. They remained there for what could have been days before Joe felt her begin to quake slightly against him, barely enough to be noticeable. Then, a warm wetness could be felt against his shirt and he realized she was crying. Gritting his teeth and feeling his own tears begin to stir restlessly, he kissed the top of her head.
How fucking stupid I was… to think that I could save her from everything this world has thrown at her. I'm not nearly that powerful, but I thought… I thought I could save her. Protect her.
He remembered Eren, who had made him swear.
I promised.
He remembered Hange telling him what had happened when Mikasa had left to see her father.
I failed.
He thought to now, when everything seemed most dire.
I'm failing.
And then, he remembered what was between Zeke, Alex, and himself.
But I can still succeed.
That thought was all that let him finally release her to walk away towards what he knew were the most wicked men he had ever known.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"Hey, Zoe."
…
"Your girls still haven't been found."
…
…
"You wouldn't happen to know of any safehouses left they could have left to, would you?"
…
"Bah, stupid question. Anyway, don't matter. Kenny seems to think at least one of them is going to show up to this regardless, if only because he's using himself as bait. So, you're going to come with me."
…
"You'll be… using me… as a hostage."
"Just in case, Zoe, just in case."
"They won't give up themselves for me."
"That's some bullshit and you know it. They loved you, they'd give a finger to even know if you were still alive."
"How do… you know?"
"I just have this feeling. You all were very close."
…
…
"Ackerman bitch's father is going to be there."
"… what?"
"Yeah. Kenny seems super sure that his niece will be present, so he brought his brother along. And man, you'd shit yourself worse than you already have if you knew what he's got in mind for her."
