Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews; for the guest, I'm really sorry to hear what you had to go through too, tough moment for sure.
Chapter Forty-Eight: Where Are You?
Worried, Constance looked up at Angela and bit her lips. The situation was becoming delicate to say the least. Maura was fully dilated but refused to push as long as Jane wasn't there.
"The babies are going to lack oxygen, Maura... You can't do that. It is very wrong for everyone and you know it."
The medical staff had been patient but they wouldn't wait forever. Jane was on her way. Her plane had just landed at Logan International. Now she needed to reach the city which could take quite a lot of time as well since the traffic was dense.
Staring blankly at the ceiling, Maura closed her eyes. A drop of sweat ran along her cheek, vanishing in the depths of her neck. She had stopped crying a long time ago now, too exhausted for it as the pain of the contractions had drained all her energy. Her mother was right. She might have been stubborn, it did not mean that she had forgotten to her medical knowledge but she simply couldn't do it.
A part of her brain – powerful enough – had shut down her will to do anything.
"I don't care."
"Maura..." Angela approached from the bed and ran a soothing hand through the honey blonde's hair as a wave of pain embraced her features. "Think about all the things you and Jane have been through until now. You can't risk your life nor the one of your daughters. You will have plenty of time to share many unforgettable moments with Jane. "
Another contraction slid along her spine. Instinctively, Maura held her legs tight. She felt like pushing – a lot – but couldn't do it. She took a deep breath, swallowed hard.
The door flew open and Elizabeth came in. The physician made a face, shook her head.
"Sorry but if you don't start pushing now, you're good for a c-section. The heartbeats are not as good as they used to be. I understand the situation isn't the perfect one, Maura, but you can't wait any longer now... It should take you twenty-minutes to push. Who knows... It might make Jane hurry up. Come on."
As Elizabeth softly grabbed one of her legs to spread it, Maura felt the tears come back and she began to sob. Why did it have to go this way? She was scared and felt terribly lonely. Without a word, she let the medical staff do and turned her head on a side before closing back her eyes.
"There's a contraction coming... This time I want you to push, okay?"
Defeated, she nodded but remained quiet. She focused on the pain – the strange sensation she had got used to during the last hours – and was about to take a deep breath when the door flew open and loud steps interrupted the relatively quietness of the room.
"I'm here! I'm here! Maura!" Breathless, Jane rushed in and hurried to the bed before falling into her wife's arms as tears of relief began to well up in her eyes, melting into Maura's ones.
Seeing the moment was lasting a bit too long, Elizabeth cleared her voice and smiled politely. "Sorry to interrupt... Hi, Jane. Nice to see you're finally here... But there are two little girls who are impatient to see this world in spite of being a bit too young for it..."
Grabbing Maura's hand to hold it very tight, Jane nodded at the OB/GYN and swallowed hard. Then it struck her. Constance and her mother were there. This wasn't a dream. The labor had started. Panic slid insidiously along her spine and she started to breathe loudly.
She wasn't ready.
But Maura was already pushing under Elizabeth's encouragements. What was she supposed to do? She hadn't gone to any Lamaze class yet. What was her role in there apart from holding Maura's hand? Out of an odd instinct, she looked up at her mother and blinked. She felt lost and stupid.
"Alright... I want you to push a bit longer, next time, Maura... Okay? Take a deep breath and focus on it. I want you to push twice, thirty seconds each time."
The honey blonde nodded but she was exhausted and she had more and more difficulties to breathe as she should have been. Without any remark, she cast a glance at the machines by her side to evaluate the situation. The twins' heart rates weren't too bad but hers dangerously flirted with the red line.
She exchanged a knowing look with Elizabeth and quietly asked her to not mention anything. She did not want Jane to worry. The next contraction showed up. With the commitment she was known for, the honey blonde focused and did her best.
In vain.
She could feel it. It didn't work at all and her breath was turning rough. Way too rough. She opened her mouth to speak but the words stayed trapped in her throat. A moan hit the air, a hoarse one. Jane didn't miss it and frowned.
"Are you okay? You're very pale." Turning to the medical staff, she ran her tongue over her lips. "She looks very pale."
Maura's chest was moving up and down at an impressive pace and as she tried to speak again, an odd sensation wrapped her up. The room began to spin around. She missed a contraction, lost contact with Jane's hand.
"What the hell is happening?"
Jane's panicked voice seemed to be coming from very far; stifled. She barely heard Elizabeth's question and order to one of the nurses in the room as the OB/GYN asked the woman to put on Maura one of the oyxgen masks.
The only image she saw – through a thick fog of some sort – turned out to be Jane leaning over her face as the brunette's tears made it to her lips and she could feel their salty taste.
And then the room turned dark.
Suddenly.
She shouldn't have waited for so long. She shouldn't have gone against nature and prevented herself from giving birth to the babies. She shouldn't have been in denial.
She had lost all her energy and was now floating – wrapped in cotton – in a world of murmurs and odd feelings. It was cold - a strong smell made it to her nose - but as much as she tried, she didn't manage to open her eyes properly. They were too heavy.
Was she dead? Was she somewhere in between? Conscious of the things surrounding her.
A coma. It had to be it. The lack of oxygen might have stirred up a whole series of failures within her body and she was now on the verge of dying. How did she dare to leave Jane so easily?
And the twins.
She would die without having a chance to hold them in her arms. To properly see them. They would grow up with her ghost haunting their minds and nothing else.
Were these tears that she could feel on her cheeks? They seemed icy. Painful. She didn't want to die, not now. She had too many things left to see and try. Too many moments to live.
Too much love to give.
And who would replace her at the morgue if she passed away, exactly? Dr. Pike? Hell no! Anyone but him. He wasn't good enough for it. No – no – and no. She could definitely not die and let her office – because it was her office, let's face it – turn into such terrible chaos. What a shame it would be.
But then she was tired, so tired. She couldn't move her legs, her arms had never felt so heavy. She had lost any ability to speak. Was she still breathing? She had absolutely no idea. No, she wasn't.
She felt way too light for it.
She would miss her home, the Dirty Robber. Korsak, Frost. Bass, Jo Friday and Coco Loco. Jane would take great care of them all but still. The brunette didn't even know where to buy the tortoise's leaves. What would happen to her car? Her wardrobe?
And Jane... Would she find someone else? Would she end up forgetting about her? That was how it had to work. She knew it. Perhaps it would take her a few years but she was still young and she would find someone then realize one day that she had developed feelings and the person she had once shared such a brief life with – a woman named Maura – belonged now to the past and that was it.
The pain such a thought stirred up confused Maura. Perhaps she was still alive. But then who knew if patients in a coma couldn't feel the pain? Studies were delicate on the matter. Scientists didn't know a lot about it.
She was somewhere in between. The line was thin. But then what could she do, exactly?
It is your fault, Isles. Blame yourself for everything. For the pain you are going to inflict to others and to you. It won't leave you alone, never. No matter you stop breathing. You have ruined everything.
