Liara
As time passed, for in space no one could truly calculate days in their mind, I attempted to restore normalcy to my own life. Except for the visits to the mess hall and checkups with Doctor Chakwas, I rarely left my storeroom, locked in my search for the Prothean's Conduit. However, the deeper I delved into the mystery, the less I discovered.
At last, I pushed my chair away from the extranet terminal and rubbed the grit from my eyes, despairing over the nothing I had found, and the nothing more I was likely to find. How can I search and discover when there is nothing to be found? How can I even pretend that I am assisting the crew of the Normandy when I have nothing to show for the hours I spend awake, straining my eyes and looking for what is not there.
Perhaps I should have let Shepard take me back home…or to another distant planet once inhabited by the Protheans. I might have at least been of some use in my chosen field, not playing the expert in a field so naked I cannot truly possess expertise.
A knock at the door sounded, jarring me from my self-deprecating reverie.
"Liara?" Shepard's voice came through the door. "Liara, can I speak with you?"
I had not spoken to the commander since what had transpired with Ledee, desiring to keep peace on the ship. I did not know if Lieutenant Alenko had noticed my attempts to keep things as they had been, or if he even appreciated it. He was no less kind when we met, but no longer did we indulge in conversation with one another, and no longer did I feel quite so able to ask him questions. Somewhere, though I did not know its exact position, a line had been drawn, and I had no wish to cross it.
"Of course." I replied, rising from my chair and waiting for the door to open.
Shepard entered, looking better than the last time I had seen her. She appeared less pale, the dark shadows beneath her eyes had lost their intensity, though they still lingered, a hollow beneath that glimmering silver.
"Is everything all right?" I asked, wondering why she had sought me out, and hoping, for some reason, that Lieutenant Alenko had not told her of our conversation.
I do not want her to think that I am causing trouble, or stirring up dissent among the crew, especially with what happened still fresh in everyone's mind.
"You tell me." Shepard smiled. "Haven't heard from you or seen you in a while, and on a ship this small that's saying something. Karin tells me you're healing well, but I wanted to make certain of that for myself."
"I…appreciate your concern, commander." I told her, taking the self-made dare to step closer and feel the shield of energy coruscating around her. It remained present but…somehow less, and for reasons I did not care to investigate. "But everything is fine."
"Fine being the part where you've retreated back in here?" Shepard asked. "Do you feel unsafe, Liara? Tali mentioned that you seemed pretty shaken when she talked to you that day. I should have noticed that, and I'm sorry."
"No." I shook my head. "You did nothing wrong, Shepard. You were very kind in allowing me to speak with you and ask the questions which, in hindsight, might not have been pleasant to answer."
"You have a knack for understatement, T'Soni." Shepard grinned. "Anyone ever tell you that?"
I bit my lip. "I believe one of my professors commented on my tendency to 'wax overly verbose'." I replied. "So, commander, in regards to understatement, you are the first who has accorded me that trait."
Shepard laughed, and I did not quite comprehend why, for my answer had been nothing but serious. Humans had the strangest grasp on humor. They would laugh at the slightest inclination, whether or not they were given proper impetus. I found it an off-putting, perhaps permanent block in my search to understand them.
"All joking aside, Liara, you've acclimated admirably, to the point where I've had a lot of people asking about why you've made yourself scarce. That means a lot, but what it means most to me is that I've taken your acclimation for granted. I want you to know that you can always talk to me and ask me questions, about anything."
"Is that why you spoke to me and not Kaidan that day?" I asked, berating myself as the words tripped off my lips without censor.
"Ah…about that." Shepard rubbed the back of her neck. "He mentioned you'd talked."
"Is there a reason, Shepard?" I questioned. She had given me permission to ask what I liked; she had opened a door, and this one I would walk through. "Is there a reason you turned him away?"
Shepard's eyes became wary, a shine in them like I had seen in the forest creatures of Thessia, shy, cunning animals who did not appreciate being found.
"Yeah. Yeah there is." she answered, and I found that my hands were trembling, that I was apprehensive of her answer and what it might mean. "Humans," she half-laughed, derisive, "humans have a nasty habit of thinking they know more about a situation…or a person…than they actually do. Kaidan didn't want to talk to me, Liara. He didn't want to comfort me, or help me. He wanted to get inside my head, and then show me the inside of his head, and then tell me how perfectly they fit together."
"I don't…I don't understand." I admitted, looking up to see the wariness in her eyes replaced by a softness that the commander did not possess.
The commander does not…but perhaps I am not with the commander in this moment. Perhaps am I with the woman whose name precedes 'Shepard'…whoever she may be.
"That's what I find so refreshing about you, T'Soni." I noticed that she used my house name, not my first, though it seemed a very personal statement. I wondered if she attempted to detach herself from the words she spoke. "You have the courage to admit when you don't understand…and then ask for the explanation. If humanity had ever been able to grasp that concept we might…well…there might never have been a First Contact War. Or any other war."
"So this…this showing of minds." I referred to her earlier statement about Kaidan's intentions. "Could it," I paused, attempting to apply cogency to my words, "could it be considered the human version of an asari meld?"
"Maybe." Shepard shrugged. "I mean, yes. In a way. He did want to share memories, maybe feelings, but he had an agenda, and as his commanding officer, it's not an agenda I'm comfortable with."
"You mean," I hazarded a guess, "that he wants to be more to you than a subordinate officer? More than a military rank and something akin to a…a friend?"
"Friend is too light a word for what Alenko has in his eyes." Shepard said, her voice harsh, not an angry harshness, but harsh like the ache of a healing wound. "He's a good man, Liara…but I've seen a lot of good men die. The world isn't kind to them."
Is she afraid? I wondered. Afraid of the consideration and kindness of a good man…for it seems to me that she is a good woman, whom war altered in its image. Whom the world was not kind to…oh, Shepard.
"The world has not been kind to you." I whispered, scarcely realizing that I spoke.
Shepard leaned against the desk, but this time her arms did not cross, she took no protective posture.
"No. It hasn't." she answered, succinct. "And you've pretty much seen the depth of it."
Only "pretty much?" Echoes of her ghastly memories flitted through my mind. Is there more? Goddess, how can there be more?
I looked at Shepard, but it did not appear that she saw me. Instead she looked elsewhere, perhaps into another lifetime, or another identity, or a name she once held that no one now knew.
"And only you." she breathed, her eyes meeting mine, filled with a light, like the first silver haze of a Thessian sunrise. "If…if a human had seen what you had, Liara, they would have let it slip to someone they trusted, and that someone would have passed it along to someone else. It's just the way it is. But you…you've kept my secrets safe, T'So…" she broke off, looking at the floor, before straightening her shoulders and returning her eyes to mine, "...Liara."
My heart began to beat…faster.
