Note: song title based off the song by Billie Eilish
This chapter is very angsty, so… prepare yourselves!
Enjoy.
Chapter 49: Where Do We Go
Day 14 in the arena
Clarke couldn't pull away from him. She gripped his hand tightly in her own and sobbed. Her throat was raw from all of her screams, her lungs burned, her world felt like it had been tipped upside down.
She didn't hear Octavia calling until she was nearly behind her. Clarke tried to pull herself together enough to face the youngest Blake – the last Blake – but she couldn't. She couldn't look away from Bellamy's lifeless face. She couldn't bring herself to look at Octavia's expression when she realized who the canon belonged to.
Her imagination was enough. She could imagine how shocked and horrifying Octavia would be in that moment. Maybe it was selfish, but she couldn't bare to turn around to look at how devastated she would be. She couldn't bring herself to watch her expression change when she realized her world was shattered.
Clarke felt Octavia drop roughly to her knees beside her. She still couldn't bare to look at her. Octavia's scream of anguish turned Clarke to stone and curdled her blood. It sounded more grief-stricken and angst-filled than her scream only moments ago.
For a moment, they were both still. The forest was silent, apart from the echoes of Octavia's screams. Time stood still, just for a second.
Then, Octavia fell on top of his body, her back shaking with sobs.
Clarke's heart ached watching Octavia fall apart. She clung to Bellamy's side, words tumbling from her lips, so quiet that she couldn't hear them even if she wanted to. She'd never seen her so broken before, not even when she was seconds away from death in that cave. She didn't think she had ever seen anyone so broken before.
And, in that moment, Clarke didn't know what to do. She felt like she was falling apart, like she was set on fire, like her whole heart had been turned to dust. She felt like screaming and begging. She needed to scream. She needed to beg for his life, even though she knew it was over.
Bellamy. Her heart clenched painfully to think of his name. He was gone. She heard his canon. His blood stained her hands and her clothes.
He was gone and there wasn't anything she could do about it.
Instead of falling apart, she reached for Octavia. Clarke loved Bellamy – of course she did – but Octavia loved him, too. He was her brother. He was someone who raised her. Her whole life, there was one constant.
Now, that one constant was laying on the ground, his body completely still.
Clarke wanted to grieve and she wanted to fall apart – she really did – but she couldn't. She couldn't do that when Octavia was falling apart. She needed to be there for her.
And, despite wanting to lay down and sob, she knew that wasn't possible. They were still in the arena. Making so much noise and being so vulnerable was risky. She needed to get them somewhere safe.
"I'm sorry," Clarke sobbed, the words tumbling out of her mouth like a broken record. "I'm so sorry, Octavia."
She didn't move. She clutched at his body, nearly silent pleas still rolling off her tongue. Clarke could barely hear them and she was okay with that – these were messages for Bellamy.
No.
Come back.
I'm sorry.
Come back.
I need you.
You promised.
I love you.
Clarke wasn't sure which were whispers from Octavia and which were thoughts in her head. Reality seemed to be tilted on its side in that moment, obscuring everything.
All she knew was Bellamy was gone. Octavia was broken. She was destroyed. They were in the arena. They needed to get to safety.
She couldn't bring herself to say these words out loud. She didn't want to leave Bellamy – she doubted Octavia would either.
"What happened!?" Octavia snapped, rounding on Clarke. Her eyes were burning with a fire she hadn't seen before – one filled with rage and hate and anguish. It was a stark reminder that Octavia was a Career – one of the most deadly. Clarke could still see broken glass behind the fire.
She was hurting. That was something she understood.
"The mutts." Clarke could barely form full words. She could barely see, her tears were coming so quickly. "We split – we all split – and… and I came, and they were here – one was here, only one and-" Clarke felt like she was falling apart, and she knew she couldn't be. She desperately clung to those last few strings of clarity. "One was here – at him. I don't know how it happened. I didn't see. I came as fast as I could." She swallowed thickly. "The screaming. I came because of his screaming."
It was those same screams that would never leave her mind. Even now, they were ringing in her ears.
She could hear the pain in them. It felt like she was the one laying on the ground and bleeding when she realized Bellamy's last few moments were ones filled with pain.
Reality hit her. They were still tributes in the middle of the arena. If she could hear Bellamy's scream, so could anyone around her. If Octavia could find them, so could other tributes.
"We need to go," Clarke said. Saying the words out loud sent a jolt of pain right to her heart. She didn't want to go. "We need to get somewhere safe."
Octavia turned to her, her eyes broken. While rage filled them moments ago, she now looked destroyed. It looked like she was the one dying.
"I can't," she said, her voice coming out as a partial sob. "I can't leave him."
I can't leave him either.
Part of her wanted to curl up beside Octavia and never leave. She never wanted to leave Bellamy because that would be it – that would be their goodbye. Walking away from him would seal their fates, even though they were already sealed.
But she remembered her promise to him. She promised him that she would watch Octavia. With his dying breaths, he asked her to watch her – he asked her to keep her safe.
She knew him. She knew that his one purpose in life was to take care of Octavia. He gave up his dreams for her. He gave up his life for her. He followed her into the Games, with the only goal being to protect her and ensure her victory.
His life was comprised of making sure Octavia was safe.
She was going to do that. She was going to keep her promise to him – she was going to take care of her now, even though Octavia was more than capable of being on her own. She was going to watch her, and be there for her, and be strong for her.
"We're not safe," Clarke said, her voice a little stronger than before. Tentatively, she reached out for Octavia. She didn't know her well enough to know what she needed while mourning, but this was all she could offer. She couldn't bring Bellamy back. She couldn't do anything that she needed. All she could do was show he she wasn't alone. "We should continue with a plan."
"The plan didn't work," she said, glancing down at Bellamy's body. Clarke refused to glance in his direction. She knew that, if she did, she would break. She couldn't do that. She had to stay strong. For Octavia. For him.
"Not Bellamy's plan," she said. His name tasted like acid. It was something she loved so much, but saying it brought so much pain. He was gone. "A new plan. We stick together. We get somewhere safe. We rest up."
Octavia glanced up at Clarke after a long moment, waiting for her to finish. Clarke was finished though. She didn't have a plan past getting out of the woods.
"And?"
"And nothing. We need to go. We can plan more later – now isn't the time." Clarke swallowed thickly. "We stick together – that's all I know."
Octavia's chin trembled. Both women grasped each other's hand, a mix between a vow and comfort forming in that moment. With heartbreak, Octavia spoke. "Together."
That was her promise with Bellamy. She hoped this time around it wouldn't be broken.
"Together."
As they left the small clearing in the woods, Clarke couldn't help but look back at him – one last time. She tried to stay numb as she did; otherwise, she knew she would fall to pieces.
There lay a man that was so beautiful, it hurt – a man that was so good, the world didn't deserve him. There lay a man – so selfless, so kind, so passionate, so unfairly taken. There lay a man that she loved.
Loved.
Bellamy left a gaping hole in both of them, that much was clear.
They managed to get to the city as the sun was almost gone behind the horizon. It took longer than either of them would've liked, but it was to be expected. As soon as they were far enough away from his body, they heard the Capitol hovercrafts, and they watched.
It was heartbreaking. They watched as his body was carried out of the arena. It was as horrible as the sound of the canon. Watching those hovercrafts was further proof that he was truly gone and never coming back. It was like the final seal.
Dead.
Gone.
As the hovercraft flew away, Clarke couldn't help but utter the words that had become so familiar to her in the arena.
"In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again."
A goodbye, even though she wasn't ready to say it. She forced the words out then – she knew she would regret not giving him a proper sendoff if she didn't.
Octavia was silent after that. While she'd been falling apart when hunched over Bellamy's body, she grew distant and cold the further they travelled.
Clarke knew it was coming. When Lincoln died, she did the same thing. She was still mourning him, even only hours ago.
She mourned alone. She mourned in silence.
They walked through the streets of the city, a weight on both of them. Clarke felt like she was suffocating. It felt like she was seconds away from scattering in the wind – pieces of her soul riding the breeze like leaves on an autumn day.
She was right, all those day before. The city was cursed. Ghosts walked the streets.
Everywhere had ghosts. Especially now – especially after losing him.
As they ran through the forests, she couldn't help but think of Bellamy dying beside a tree. She could almost see his body tangled in the roots, covered in mud, broken beyond repair. She couldn't help but think of how she didn't run fast enough to get to him.
As they entered the field surrounding the city, all she could think about was how Bellamy came to save her. She thought of how he saved her then, yet she couldn't save him only moments ago. She thought she lost him when the Careers tortured her, but he came back for her.
He wasn't coming back for her now.
And, as soon as her feet touched the stones of the ground of the city, she thought of how many times she ran these streets with him at her side. She thought of how they'd laughed in the rain when they took their day trip to the Cornucopia, she thought of how he comforted her after Wells died, she thought of how he helped keep her steady after the explosion at the apartments.
She thought of how many times they'd ran these streets together – how many times she took for granted that his presence was there.
Now, he was gone. She would never run these streets with him again. Oh, gods, it hurt. It hurt so much that it made her want to scream.
Bellamy was gone, and she'd never get to do any of those things with him again. All those shared moments – that was it. Their time together was in the past, and it felt like her heart was being ripped out.
Instead of falling to pieces like she wanted to, she focused on the world around her. She scanned for tributes and for mutts. When Clarke was sure she couldn't take anymore of running from her thoughts, she pointed to the closest building. "This one?"
Octavia gave a sharp nod.
They entered the building, neither one of them bothering to do a complete sweep of it. Clarke didn't have the energy to climb up the several flights of stairs and check all the floors. She barely had enough energy to scan the bottom floor.
The bottom floor was simple enough. Clarke assumed this must've been a school at one point, as the building was long and had multiple rooms. Abandoned desks and chalk boards littered the rooms, giving Clarke the impression even more ghosts were following her.
When there were no obvious sings of tributes being around, they both collapsed in the furthest room. She knew it wasn't the best building to hide out in; there was a single hallway from the front doors all the way to the back. Dozens of rooms branched off of the hallway – one of which they were staying in.
But it was the best she could do. It felt like she was cracking in half. Octavia was barely upright. The sun had long set. The demons were out, clawing at them.
Clarke dumped her backpack in the corner of the room, as did Octavia. Somehow, they managed to save two bags of supplies.
They managed to save the supplies, but not Bellamy.
Maybe things would have been different if she went with her gut instinct at the cave – when she first felt something wrong.
Maybe she shouldn't have wasted so much time packing damn supplies – she should've got everyone out before the pack of mutts found them.
Maybe she shouldn't have argued with Bellamy over his plan. If she just went along with it, like she did in the end, they would've saved time.
Maybe he would still be alive.
She couldn't take it anymore. Not talking made her feel like she was going to split in two. "I couldn't save him." With these words, her voice broke. "I… I couldn't save him. It's my fault." She was a medic, she should've been able to save him. She didn't come soon enough. She wasn't faster. She wasn't smarter. People died – Bellamy died – because of her mistakes. "Octavia, it's-"
"Shut up," she pleaded, her voice also breaking. "I… No. This isn't on you, Clarke. This isn't your fault."
They looked at each other for a long moment. Clarke could barely stand. She felt like a hole had been carved out inside of her. All she wanted to do was curl up and cry.
Sob.
Mourn.
Grieve.
"I didn't believe Murphy when he was dying," Octavia said quickly. "About how fucked up this is. About how stupid the Games are." She wiped at her cheeks. "I mean… I knew. I knew it was wrong. I never wanted to be here. And I loved people that died – people from these Games, people from previous Games." Her eyes darkened. "But… This… Bellamy-"
She never finished her thoughts. As soon as she said his name, she let out a heartbroken sob and stumbled forward, falling into Clarke's arms.
She caught her and both their weapons went tumbling to the ground. Clarke's eyes locked on Bellamy's sword only inches away from her toe. Octavia grabbed it when they were leaving, and now it felt like it was haunting her. It was another memory of him – of someone she loved and lost.
Her dad's watch, Wells' letter, Bellamy's sword.
Broken things, broken bodies, broken hearts.
Maybe keeping his sword was a good thing. Maybe having a piece of him around was a good thing. Maybe it would make things easier. Maybe it would make her feel like he was still around.
She'd glance at the sword and think that he was just out to collect more water. He would still be coming back. He wasn't dead. He wasn't dead.
Pretending things were okay wasn't a permanent solution – she knew. But she didn't have permanence either. Her life was temporary. Each day was a surprise. Each second was loaned time.
Pretending that he was coming back wasn't a healthy way to cope. She didn't have time to worth through her grief.
If Octavia was going to win, she would have to deal with this. She would have to mourn her brother and learn to live without him.
That was something Clarke wouldn't have to do.
She never could survive to begin with, so she would never have to live a life without Bellamy. It was truly fucked up that she felt sorry for Octavia in that moment – sorry that she would have to live long enough to deal with the pain.
"It's okay," Clarke promised Octavia, even though it was a lie. Both of them knew it was a lie, but each found some comfort with it. "We're okay."
They both fell to the floor. Octavia clung to Clarke, sobbing. All Clarke could do was hold her, and beg that she would have the strength tomorrow to stay strong.
Her body shook from silent sobs. Her body felt like it had been exposed to the burning sun for days, or like an eagle had torn her to pieces, or like every bone in her body had been broken. She'd experienced pain like this before, but it never got easier.
Losing someone she loved never got easier.
She never understood why they called it heartbreak. As she clung to Octavia, sobbing, it felt like every inch of her body had been broken. It wasn't just her heart – oh, how sweet that would be. No. It felt like it was deep inside her bones. It felt like this anguish ran with her blood.
Later that night, when the anthem was playing, Clarke couldn't look at the sky. Bellamy's face would be there, and she couldn't do it. She knew she should've – she should've said goodbye one last time, she should've looked at him one last time, but she couldn't.
The stars used to bring her freedom and peace. Now, she doubted she'd want to look at the night sky again before she died. Somehow, Bellamy managed to worm his way into that part of her life. She used to look at the stars before she even knew him, but somehow, they seemed like they belong to him now.
Then again, she wasn't really surprised.
The stars had become their thing, in a way. They'd sat together on the room, staring out at them, dreaming of going to them. They looked at them and talked about futures they could never have – about lives that were stolen from them.
The night sky belonged to him.
They sat in the arena, talking about tea, and eggs, and how different life would be if they lived in an alternate world. They stayed up all night on watch, talking about anything that crossed their minds, the stars always above them.
The arena belonged to him.
He'd managed to do that in every aspect of her life. She'd only known him for a few weeks, but he left marks across everything in her life. It felt like she was surrounded by him.
The watch on her wrist reminded her of how they first began to understand each other.
Her sword reminded her how he was the one who taught her how to fight.
The city streets reminded her of the many times they went on an exploration trip together.
He was such a big part of her life, and now he was gone.
How could someone just go like that? How could they be here one moment, gone the next?
How?
She fell asleep, with her arms wrapped around Octavia and sorrow in her heart.
Day 15 in the arena
The next day, the sun seemed duller, the birds seemed quieter.
Clarke didn't know what time she woke up. The room was shrouded in darkness from the lack of windows, but she didn't feel rested. There was a pain in her heart and a weight across her chest.
Before she remembered exactly what happened, she knew something was wrong. She didn't have that brief moment of bliss that she usually got when waking up.
She always used to rely on the single moment when she was still partially asleep and awake – this moment made everything seem like it was okay, even if it wasn't. She'd never remember what was wrong. All of her troubles would have vanished, just for a brief moment.
But not this time.
As soon as she began to wake, she felt sick.
She didn't get that bliss.
She didn't get ignorance.
She knew he was gone.
Octavia was still pressed into her side, fast asleep. Clarke hoped that, when she woke, she'd have that brief state of bliss. She hoped that she wouldn't be robbed of that one last moment, where everything seemed to be okay.
Clarke's eyes locked on the ceiling and she fought down the emotions. It was harder to do than the day before. It felt like something was lodged in her throat. She burned from trying to keep her emotions at bay. Her eyes stung. Her heart ached.
She knew that today would be a rough day. It would be the first one without Bellamy. She'd survived without him in the arena before – twice, actually – but this was different.
Those other times, she knew he was out there. There was a strange comfort that came with knowing he was somewhere in the arena with her. Looking back at it, she never felt truly alone, because she knew he was there.
He wasn't anymore.
He was gone.
This time, she was truly without him. She felt empty and cold, like she was the one who lost all the blood, not him.
She knew Octavia would have it worse. Her whole life, there had been one constant.
Bellamy.
From the day she was born, he was there. She'd never had to live a day without him, or experience life without him by her side.
He raised her. He took care of her. He was the one who provided for her when others couldn't. He was the one who came to the arena after her, willing to lose his life in the process.
(Who did lose his life in the process.)
He spent every day of her childhood with her, and every moment there on out. There wasn't a period in her life without him beside her.
Except now.
For the first time in Octavia's life, she was without Bellamy. Octavia was the strongest person Clarke knew – this was without a doubt – but she knew how hard this would be for her. This would be hard for anyone, but especially for people as close as the two of them.
"You're up?" Octavia questioned, shifting beside Clarke.
She tried to force on a fake smile, but she knew she failed. In that moment, she would've settled for a guarded expression, but she knew her grief would be nearly impossible to hide.
"I didn't wake you, did I?"
Octavia turned onto her back, choosing to stare at the ceiling alongside Clarke. "No. Couldn't stay asleep forever." Her voice held a tone of longing, like she wished she could've stayed sleeping. At least that way, the pain wouldn't be gnawing at her. Octavia was silent for a long moment. "Did you see him in the sky?"
"No. I couldn't go look." Clarke swallowed thickly. Maybe that was the wrong choice. Maybe she should've went to look. Another day, another mistake. "Did you sleep okay?"
"No." Clarke couldn't even smile at her brutal honesty like she used to. "You?"
There was no point in lying. "No."
They were silent for a long while. Clarke didn't know how long it was. She didn't even know what time of the day it was. In that moment, it seemed insignificant. She was so absorbed with her grief and her mourning.
She thought Octavia fell asleep, she was so silent and still. She flinched when she next spoke. "He loved you, you know," Octavia said after a long moment.
Clarke's mouth went dry at the words. Her throat grew tight. "I know," she said, her voice raspy. It was true. She knew he loved her. She couldn't help but think of their final words together – telling the other how much they loved them.
"I love you – you know that, right? I love you, Clarke." She could almost hear his voice saying those words, and it was torturous.
She closed her eyes and sucked in a sharp breath. She willed her voice to remain steady. "I loved him too."
So much, yet not enough. Bellamy deserved a whole lifetime of love. He deserved to wake up every morning and be told how loved he was. He deserved to grow old with a wife – to have a million kids like he wanted.
She wanted that with him. A future.
She never had the luxury to dream of a future. That is, until she fell in love with Bellamy. With him, things seemed possible. The future seemed tangible, even if she knew it really wasn't. With him, it was easy to dream.
There was never anyone else in her life that she wanted to grow old with. She wanted to wear a ring on her finger, she wanted to wake up beside him every morning, she wanted to have a million kids with him. She wanted them to be a family – for them to be together.
It was never possible, she knew. With him gone, it was a harsh reminder of how impossible those things were.
"It wasn't just words though," Octavia continued speaking. For the first time since the mutts arrived, Clarke could hear something other than anguish or rage in Octavia. It was something softer. "I've never seen him like that before. He takes so long to trust. He takes so long to drop his walls and for his layers to fall back. But he did it almost immediately with you."
Clarke thought back to all the nights on the roof and all the secret moments in the hallways. She thought about all the moments that were stolen from them, if only they weren't tributes – if only they lived among the stars.
"I understood him," Clarke said. Understood. Using past tense made his death feel so final. She spoke with a lump in her throat. "We understood each other. It felt like I knew him for more than a few weeks. It felt like we had known each other for our whole lives."
She fell in love with him so easily. She never believed in the concept of soul mates before – she didn't really now, either – but after being with Bellamy, they seemed a little more likely. If she ever had a soul mate in the world, he would be it.
With him, time was irrelevant. Time was something she held onto so tightly – it was something that kept her centered while in lock up. To her, saying time didn't matter was world changing.
But it was true.
She knew him better than anyone, including people she spent her whole life around. It was beautiful and terrifying and heartbreaking all at once.
"He told me that he wished that things were different," Octavia continued. She wished things could be different too. "That we could all survive the Games. Grow old together. As a family." Clarke's heart clenched at that. She wished their lives could have been different. She wished they could've had that. "That's all he ever wanted. A family."
A family.
The three of them, their kids; that would be their family.
A family they could never have.
Despite the scorching pain licking at her heart, she managed to smile. "I would have liked that."
They both fell silent after that. Clarke continued to stare at the ceiling, her heart feeling like it was shattered into a million pieces.
TRIBUTE LIST: The bolded ones are the tributes that are characters that died in the current chapter (none). If a character has died in a previous chapter, they will be removed from the list. If you forget who has died in a previous chapter, feel free to ask me or look back at the notes of previous chapters!
District 1 Female: Ontari
District 2 Female: Octavia
District 5 Female: Echo
District 6 Female: Clarke
District 10 Male: Dax
This chapter is probably my least favourite from this fic, and I honestly don't know why. This chapter took me actual months to write. I just couldn't do it. So, if it feels a little choppy, that would be why!
Also, fun fact, this was the last chapter I wrote for this fic! I wrote the last ten chapters out of order, and this ended up being the last one I wrote. Wild!
Only three more chapters left! These three chapters are some of my favourites from the whole fic and shit is about to get wild so… I'm excited.
Thanks for reading!
Paw
