- Chapter 2: Being Sure

Right about now, I'll bet you're wondering how I can remember something as unlikely as the world getting destroyed. The thing that bothers me is how the world could get destroyed ten times, and I can only remember three of those times. I mean, if the mind can recall anything, it would be those moments that are the most terrifying, right? Well, not necessarily in my case. This is just the benefit of hindsight and some weird phenomenon that Yuki likes to refer to simply as "synchronization." Beyond that, I have no idea how it works. I just woke up one day and remembered all this.

The thing that connected my memory was this incident at the cafe, one cold evening in December. Yuki had just called me a little earlier, and I assumed that this was something personal that she wanted settled. There was something troubling her, and I had a strong feeling that it had something to do with the prospect of the years to come. There was this heavy feeling when I had spoken to her like she was about to talk about life-changing decisions. It had me worried, to be bluntly honest about it.

For some strange reason, I began to get a little jealous, this time around. I had the sensation that Yuki was only meeting with me to let me know that she was leaving me. I just couldn't get past it, and I began to seriously think that she had found someone else. There was definitely a feeling of rightness to it that I can't explain, and I seriously thought about not entering the cafe. I just had to know, though. You can't confront thoughts like this and not want to know for sure what's behind them.

Of course, Yuki and I had never been an item to begin with. I just felt like there really was something there, but it wasn't quite real. My mind was starting to play tricks on me. I also had this weird anxiety about the prospect of sleeping, though that seemed pretty trivial at the time. I stood outside the cafe for a minute, thinking about leaving again. I then chided myself, thinking of what Haruhi had just endured a few days ago. Haruhi had gotten a lot of bad reviews for her solo album, and then she had turned out to not know a certain very famous pop star. A lot of people were calling into question not just her skills and talents, but they were questioning whether she had had anything to do with any of the previous five albums she had written most of the lyrics to. If anyone had a right to be worried about the future, it was her.

Yeah. So, why didn't I feel altogether reassured when I saw Yuki again in the cafe? She seemed a bit more casual than I remembered her, but then I recalled that I hadn't really noticed how her demeanor had been changing over the years. And when had she started smoking? I took a moment to recall that she had started that roughly around the time we had entered college. College hadn't lasted very long for Haruhi and Yuki, who had become busy touring. I sat across from her, and I felt a little relieved that at least she was giving me the same expression of expectation she usually gives me.

"Hey," I said. "What's up? This about the club?

"No," she answered.

I then plunged ahead, "You're going to tell me that you found someone, right?"

"Pardon?" she said.

"You're seeing someone?" I asked. I had to know.

"No," she answered. "In fact, I have difficulty thinking of anyone else."

"You want to go out with me?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's great."

So, all that heavy feeling had been for nothing? What on Earth was she so tense about?

"I don't get it," I complained.

"What?" she asked.

"What do you see in me?" I honestly wanted to know.

"Our love is blind," she answered in her usual monotone. Was she joking?

"Is that from a song?" I wondered.

"I enjoy being with you," she explained.

I then paused to let that sink in and then asked her, "Anything you like doing, in particular?"

She then said, "Tell me about your favorite comic books."

"Comic books?" I asked, not sure I'd heard her right.

"From when you were younger," she said. "I'd like to hear about it."

"Well..." I answered. "Okay."

- x -

Once upon a time, there were these two homeless men. They encountered a lost little boy and began trying to raise money for him so they could buy a plane ticket and the boy could go back home. They went around to all the nearby towns, trying to earn their way into enough money, but they soon discovered that raising money isn't that easy. Especially for these two, who had barely touched any money over the past ten years. What would a homeless man know about handling money? Any time they made a large windfall, they inevitably lost it all soon afterward. Before long, they had traveled all across Japan, variously doing hard tasks, performing stunts, and sometimes committing burglary. Ultimately, the boy made his own way home (and found it easier to do that than to keep hanging around with these two idiots).

I related this story from an old comic book to Yuki that evening, and it put me into a good mood. It's a good thing, because I recall waking in a terrible panic, though the memory of why I was panicked fled from me the moment after I awoke.

I then remembered that I had wanted to go buy a new outfit. That comic book story had reminded me of how, whenever I go visiting Mom and my little sister, they always complain that I like to wear the same things all the time. Thus, I decided to go visit a clothing store before my first class. I didn't have an eight o'clock class that day, so it was no big deal. As I was browsing through the racks, trying to find a good shirt, I noticed Itsuki Koizumi similarly browsing.

"Hey," I said to him. "Does Haruhi know you hang out here?"

"Hey," he responded. "Nice to see you, too."

"Or do you like shopping for clothes?" I asked, not certain I really wanted an answer.

He then answered, "I admit I have a certain fascination with my appearance. Nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well, it just occurred to me that if anyone would know about things like this, it would be you."

Somehow, we always end up discussing things like the evils of mindless influence, the need for more sympathy in society, or just the paradoxical nature of truth. I can never seem to have a casual, normal discussion with Koizumi.

"So," I prompted, "you do like to go clothes shopping."

"That is correct," he answered, "although I think it may perhaps be more true for Miss Nagato."

"Is that so?" I asked.

"Indeed," he replied.

"I'll have to keep that in mind," I stated, hoping the conversation would continue in this vein.

"It doesn't bother you?" he then asked. "I mean, people knowing about your relationship with her?"

"Does it bother you?" I asked.

"Not really," he answered. "I mean, I did have my heart set on you finding happiness with Miss Suzumiya, but that was more of a childish aspiration than a reality."

"Is it a problem?" I wondered, thinking that he had been leading to this question.

"Not really," he repeated. He then sighed and admitted, "I've learned a lot about Miss Suzumiya over the years. It wouldn't surprise me if she turned out to be quite flexible in her own attitudes and preferences."

"That's a relief," I said.

"Is it?" he asked. "Okay, let me ask you something."

"Go ahead," I answered, mentally bracing myself.

He then predictably complained, "You've been given every opportunity to arrange for yourself a relationship with Miss Suzumiya, and yet you've resisted. I'm wondering..."

"The reason?" I guessed.

"Yes," he answered.

I asked, "Aside from the fact that she's an obnoxious, overbearing, trouble maker?"

To his credit, Koizumi didn't even raise an eyebrow at all that. I'm almost positive that he was eager to agree with me on all these points.

I then explained, "You know, I wouldn't have a problem with all that or even her attitudes and preferences if she just wasn't such an irreligious bigot."

"It's strange, isn't it?" he commented.

"Is it?" I wondered.

"I think so," he answered.

I then stated, "It's revolting, is what it is."

"Okay," he said. "Well, perhaps she is. Is that really your problem?"

"Well..." I started to answer.

"No, I don't think so," he answered for me. "Excuse me for saying so, but that's really her own problem."

"Okay," I admitted. "Fair enough."

He then remarked, "I seem to recall you had no trouble with Kida."

"He turned out to be reasonable," I answered. "I have to respect that."

"Yes," Koizumi agreed. "So, it seems. But my point is that you've already swayed one fanatic. Why not go for two?"

"I wouldn't want to push my luck," I answered. "And anyway, I think I can rely on Shigeru Kida to be a lot more reasonable than Haruhi."

"You sure about that?" he asked. "She doesn't just sneer at religions, you know. She does observe the holidays."

"Yes," I casually remarked. "She's very patronizing. That somehow makes it worse, don't you think?"

As Koizumi frowned, obviously thinking that I was correct on this point, I reflected on the fact that being very patronizing is somehow considered normal in this country. If there is one thing I find annoying about this culture, it's that it does tend to put one in too many of these idiotic parent-child type relationships.

"But you're right," I told him. "I'm being too hard on her. It is her problem, ultimately."

"That's right," he said.

I then said, "Don't ask me to overlook it when it comes to matters of romance, though. I mean, that's a completely separate issue."

He softly laughed and said, "Yes, it is. I guess there's just no swaying you, is there?"

"I'm very dogmatic about my affections," I remarked.

- x -

You might now be wondering how Yuki is an improvement over Haruhi when it comes to the issue of faith. I can answer that one pretty easily. Yuki is more open minded than even me. If she thought there was any point in being a druid, she would embrace that particular way of life. How do I know this? Because she said so, and I have no trouble believing her. Until she's comfortable with one or another way of perceiving things, she's adhered to a more agnostic approach. And she isn't one of those agnostics who only say they're agnostic but then turn out to be hedonistic deists or whatever. And I have to respect that even more than Kida's approach.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want matters of faith getting in the way of a good romance. Which is not to say that Haruhi is completely out of the question. She's really more on the borderline than that previous conversation would have you think, and she herself has admitted that she finds the idea of things being truly random to be an insultingly stupid concept. She just doesn't think it's a good idea to assume that things are orderly for a particular reason. She finds that whole concept disturbing, strange as that may sound.

The other thing that bothers me about Haruhi is the disturbing possibility that she might one day become religious. I have a feeling she would be even more wildly fanatical than she already is. This may sound a little hypocritical of me, but I'm not sure whether I prefer the thought of her being irreligious. Well, enough said.

I could probably go on and on all day about Haruhi, especially in the company of a couple old friends from high school. We sometimes liked to get together over lunch at a particular coffee shop, and I decided to make that day another one of those days. The nice thing about these guys is that their days were never too full for them to meet up with me and have one of these conversations. It was refreshing, and I really needed to lighten my mood after dealing with Koizumi.

"I'm glad she left the band," I said at one point. "She was nuts."

Kunikida remarked, "That's pretty harsh."

I asked him, "You don't think doing two albums a year on top of school is nuts?"

"You could have just slowed down," he suggested.

"I did," I answered. "I've slowed to a complete stop."

"Yeah," Taniguchi agreed. "Good riddance."

I added, "She was cramping my style, anyway."

He laughed and mockingly said, "She was stealing your spotlight."

"She was, actually," I told him.

"You think you had a shot without her?" he asked.

I could see how he thought I was implying that. I never said I resented her stealing my spotlight. As a matter of fact, I've always been grateful. She's welcome to all the fame she wants. I don't need it.

Taniguchi then stated, "You and I both know that the only reason you started playing guitar was to annoy your mom."

"That wasn't the only reason," I said, thinking back to those middle school days.

"The whole music biz is just a big scam," he complained.

I agreed, "It's getting way too commercial, that's for sure."

He added, "The copyright situation is way out of control. There's no point in getting involved."

Kunikida then observed, "The only honest people left are farmers, teachers, and truck drivers."

I saw a server walk by, and I quickly added, "And restaurant workers."

"Yes," Taniguchi agreed. "Nice save."

"Oh!" Kunikida said, looking around. "You really should warn me..."

I explained, "You seemed like you were about to make a good point. I didn't want to interrupt."

Taniguchi then said, "We should be recording this for posterity."

"There's an idea," Kunikida agreed.

"By the way..." Taniguchi started his inquiry. "I heard this rumor that you're going out with Nagato now."

"You heard that?" I asked.

"Is it true?" Kunikida asked.

"Yeah," I casually admitted. I think I was casual, anyway.

"I told you," Taniguchi said.

"Jeez," Kunikida complained, shaking his head in disgust.

"What?" I asked, wondering what this was about.

Kunikida then paid some money to Taniguchi and told me, "You suck."

"Never bet against me," Taniguchi scolded him. "You ought to know by now."

I was left to wonder just how much of a rumor it was. And why anyone would care that much.

- x -

Later that afternoon, I had a particular errand to run. For some reason, it really sticks out in my memory, though I'm not really sure why.

If you go to a particular office building, you'll find a recording studio once called "First Days." It was an office that Haruhi had rented for doing our albums (starting with the second album, anyway). Since we hardly used it, we also rented the space out to other bands (mainly just local aspiring bands). It was all properly sound proofed and wired for mixing, though it was really just a large room with a group of speakers in each corner and a mixing board at one end. If you had been there back then, you would have found it surprisingly shabby, but that's all we had to work with.

I could count on Ryoko Asakura to be there on that particular afternoon because she was still doing a few leftover jobs, including training her replacement. She normally worked at the mixer board, running the sound capture, and making sure everything was working all right. As expected, I found her sitting at the board that day while a couple guitarists stood nearby, softly chatting with each other.

"Got a minute?" I asked.

"Something on your mind?" she asked.

"It's just the rent," I answered.

"I already took care of it," she said.

"You did?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered. "I paid cash. Same as usual."

As usual, it puzzled me how she could get a hold of that amount of money, but then I know so little about her, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew a number of weird ways to make money.

She then added, "You should know by now that I never procrastinate things like that."

"So, who's this?" I asked, gesturing at the other two.

She smirked and answered, "Some little local band. They're doing a jingle for a coffee shop."

"Radio ads?" I asked.

"Whatever pays the bills," she explained.

"So, what's the hold up?" I then asked.

"Waiting for their drummer," she answered.

"Sheesh," I said, thinking back to when that had happened to us on a number of occasions.

She asked, "Same old story, right?"

"S-O-S," I added.

"Are you quoting Motley Crue or ABBA?" she then asked.

I laughed and asked her, "Does it make a difference?"

This was kind of an inside joke. I think we'd had this discussion before about where Haruhi had come up with the name for the old band.

"We are such shameless rip-offs," she complained.

"Tell me about it," I agreed, shaking my head in disgust.

She then remarked, "It's a pity you can't make money that way. Not anymore, anyway."

"Our lead guitarist was just short of genius," I added. By this, I was referring of course to Haruhi.

Asakura sighed and said, "Sad."

"If she had just..." I started, then said, "I don't know."

"Well," she said, "there's no point lingering on the past, right?"

"You would say that," I remarked.

As far as I knew, she would. She looked a little taken aback at the thought, though.

"Would I?" she asked.

I answered, "You gave this studio its name, after all." I just assumed that "First Days" was a clever double entendre that was both a play on Haruhi's name and a kind of philosophical statement.

"I can't take the credit for that," Asakura stated.

"What is that a reference to?" I asked.

She answered, "A wise man once told me to treat every day like it was the first day of my life. It really changed the way I see things."

"So, that's it?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered. "So, if anyone, you should be thanking him."

Whoever this wise man was. It was strange, hearing that philosophy spelled out so clearly. It had seemed vaguely positive, but I now realized that there was something more to it.

She then added, "I didn't realize it at the time, but I was just being childish. My attitude was prone to desperation."

"You were just a kid, though," I explained. "So, no problem, right?"

"That's right," she agreed.

Just then, I noticed the drummer had arrived, and they appeared to be getting ready. "Looks like they're about ready."

"I better get back to work," she said.

"I'll let you get to it, then," I said.

"Hold on," she said, as I started to leave.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I had a lot of fun working with you," she answered.

"Okay," I said. "Any particular reason you're telling me this?"

"No," she answered, smiling very cheerfully. "Just thought you should know. You're the best artist I know."

"That's funny," I told her, "because I'd say you're really the best."

- x -

That wasn't just flattery, either. There's a very subtle art to mixing sound that eludes me. Whatever it is that Asakura does with it, it's definitely right up there at genius level artistry. The sad thing is that you wouldn't notice unless you were thinking about it, so you average fans out there probably wouldn't have even appreciated it had I not pointed it out.

I wasn't doing anything for a few hours, and I wasn't sure how to approach Yuki. Something was still bothering me, and I knew Yuki would just tell me it was related to aliens or time travelers. That just seemed trivial to me. It felt like there was an itch in my mind that I couldn't scratch, so I just wandered around. I found myself at a video game arcade, and I noticed Haruhi playing a fighting game.

"Hey!" I said.

"Oh, hey Kyon," she answered. "Here to watch me beat all the high scores?"

Indeed. Haruhi has a knack for these games, and it often baffles me how she has all this ridiculous talent. (And contrary to popular belief, I don't chafe at being called "Kyon.")

"I was just passing by," I explained.

"Lucky you," she remarked, continuing to play her game.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"Anything you feel like confessing?" she asked.

"No," I lied, smiling at the thought.

"You're no fun," she softly complained.

"What were you expecting?" I asked.

"I wonder if you've noticed," she said. "I guess not."

"What?" I asked.

"You smile when you're hiding something," she answered. "That's how I know."

"Oh," I said, "about the confession thing."

"You're so clueless," she added. "Jeez."

I then smirked and stated, "I'm not the one who didn't know who Michael Jackson was."

She turned away and sighed, and I felt like I had slapped her.

"Sorry," I said.

"That's okay," she told me. "I deserved it. Jackson is this big star. Who the hell am I, right?"

"You're a crazy person," I answered. "You know that, right?"

She then asked, "Is it so wrong to want to do everything by the time you're twenty?"

"No," I answered.

She then complained, "You only have so much time in this world. Everything goes by like that. And once it's gone, it's gone."

I remarked, "I'm guessing you're more of a 'Last Day' type than a 'First Day.'"

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

"So, you aren't going to ask why I'm wasting my time playing a bunch of games?"

"I just assumed this was what you did for fun."

She then put her face in her hands. For a few moments, I wasn't sure she would recover, but then she turned and looked at me with a really sweet look of distress.

"Oh god, Kyon," she said. "What happened to me? Is this all there is to life?"

"Your music isn't that bad," I answered.

"I'm serious," she complained.

"So am I," I said.

She then complained, "I used to really think I could do something with myself."

"Well, you did," I told her.

"Yeah," she said, "but I thought I could do so much more."

"Like what?" I asked.

She answered, "I don't know. Become huge in rock music. Make our albums bigger and better than anyone else's. Make enough of them that we make the others look like slackers."

Typical Haruhi. Yes. We only did five albums. It was hilarious that she was still disappointed. I'm not sure whether I wanted to laugh or cry.

"What?" she asked. "What's so funny?"

I answered, "Only you would think of five albums in two years as a slow pace."

She then stated, "It was closer to three years, and that isn't really all that impressive."

"You really think so?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered.

"Okay," I said, thinking about it. "Well, think of the best band you can."

"All right."

"How many good albums do you think they did?"

"Nine."

"Wow. Nine? Really?"

I'm having trouble thinking of anybody who did nine really good albums. Even the really die hard workaholic artists are lucky if they can pull off four or five solid albums.

She then said, "I may not know much about Michael Jackson, but I do know my rock music."

I then observed, "You still have plenty of time to catch up to them, right?"

"I guess so," she said, looking doubtful.

- x -

And just like that, I blew it. Haruhi knew what I thought, but she wasn't sure. And I knew how important it was to be sure, but just couldn't muster up the will to make it happen. At the time, I didn't see it as crystal clear as I do now. In fact, I just had this vague feeling of having failed something important.

Something about Yuki was bothering me, and that's as much as registered in my mind at the time. We were sitting at the table in my place. I had just made some tea and gave her a cup. She was sitting and reading.

"Thank you," she said.

It was endearing. Yuki has such perfect flaws, they make me wonder about her. It seems as though I was specifically chosen just to make her happy. It sounds crazy, but I can't shake that feeling.

"What?" she asked, casually glancing at me.

I kissed her and then admitted, "This is too easy."

She seemed a little baffled in her usual way.

"You know that?" I asked.

She then stated, "You're being facetious, but it is true."

"Oh?" I asked.

She turned to me and admitted, "I don't know if I really feel the same way."

"Because you're an alien?" I guessed.

She answered, "I have several reasons to enjoy being in your company, and I could try to be as accommodating as I can. I would still remain disconnected from an essential awareness of self."

I sighed and said, "I don't know why I'm saying this, but that makes me feel all the more strongly about you."

My mother then called, and that naturally led to some silly argument that I can't remember.

- x -

Later that evening, I went back to the college campus. They were holding night classes, so it wasn't unusual to see students wandering about. I didn't think I would see anyone I could recognize, but I eventually noticed Kida sitting around on a park bench. He seemed as though he was pondering a deep mystery.

"Oh!" he said. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"You didn't?" I asked.

He answered, "I always expect to face this situation alone. It's good to have a familiar face."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Haruhi," he answered.

I was starting to feel as though I knew what he was going to say. It was the end of the world again. And somehow, it wasn't really the end, though we were about to witness some destruction.

"She's going into meltdown," he explained. "She's about to explode. It could happen any minute, now."

"That's not funny, you know," I said.

"I wasn't joking," he added.

"You still insist on...?" I started to ask.

He answered, "I'm not talking about the fragments of wisdom that blinded me to the more essential truth of Miss Suzumiya's place in this world. I'm referring to the fact that I'm an esper. I still have many powers that are beyond your comprehension. I know, for example, that you just had a fight with Miss Nagato."

"How did...?" I asked, unable to finish.

He answered, "My powers expand as Miss Suzumiya becomes smaller. Her sense of self decreases, but that just makes her subconscious all the more powerful."

I then protested, "It wasn't really a fight, per se."

Kida then glared at me.

I added, "This doesn't change the fact that you're still crazy."

Koizumi then appeared, and he seemed almost cheerful. "The fun's just about to start," he said.

"That's what he keeps saying," I answered. "I have yet to see anything."

Koizumi explained, "You can't really see what we're seeing."

Kida added, "It's a pretty amazing picture. It's too bad."

"I know," Koizumi agreed.

"So, what do you see?" I asked them.

"The sky," Koizumi replied, not bothering to look for the moment. "It's filling with smaller closed spaces. If you were an esper like us, you would see the world as if it were the middle of daytime."

"That's pretty creepy," I remarked. "Isn't there anything you can do about it?"

Koizumi shrugged, and Kida stated, "We can watch."

Koizumi then added, "We could take a helicopter and drop into the spaces. Once inside, we could float on our own energy. The problem, though, is that we would end up in a never-ending chase."

"Yes," Kida agreed, making some expressive hand gestures. "You see, the ethereal warriors have decided to retreat whenever we attack them. It's classic strategy."

"Yes," Koizumi said, adding, "fall back before your enemy's advance. Then, as they extend their lines to pursue, you cut them off. Rather clever, I must admit."

"We need an escape route," I remarked.

Koizumi then corrected, "What we really need is a time traveler."

"Don't look at me," I protested.

"It's just as I foresaw," Kida stated. "Even if we could circumvent this, where would we go? There's no future for this world."

"So that's it?" I asked.

"I'm afraid so," Koizumi answered. "Sorry."

"No wonder," I said.

"What?" Koizumi asked.

"Nothing," I answered. "Just something Miss Asakura said to me."

"Right," Koizumi said. "It's the end of the world. My only consolation is that we'll be together."

I then saw Yuki hurrying over to us.

"Oh!" I said, noticing her.

"And another one appears," Koizumi remarked.

"I'm sorry," I said, once she was near.

"No," she said. "I apologize. I was wrong."

"It was nothing," I insisted.

"I love you," she said.

She was still speaking to me in her usual tone, but I gathered from the urgent expression on her face that she had really meant something by this.

"Jeez," Koizumi complained.

I drew Yuki to me and kissed her. Why not? If it really was the end of the world, what's a little public display going to matter?

"You're really worked up," I noticed. "I guess there really is something to this end of the world stuff these guys have been babbling about."

"This is the advent of the corrosion," she explained.

"Isn't there something you could do?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered.

"Well..." I tried to think of a way to ask the obvious without it sounding like I was insulting her.

She answered the look on my face, "The difficulty is that you have trust issues. You lack a belief in what Suzumiya has been attempting to convey to you."

"You could have told me this," I said.

"I did," she stated. "Many times."

As she said that, I could feel the truth of it. I began to wonder where this information was coming from, though. It just suddenly injected itself into my reality from what seemed like nowhere.

I then complained, "Maybe you could be a little more persuasive."

"How?" she asked.

"I don't know," I answered, looking upward. "It's kind of hard to think, now that I'm starting to see what's happening."