AWoC ch49
A/n: I'm back Sorry for the delay, but I've been writing demon and plan on getting back on track w/ twice a week updates.
Much love to my team: A Jasper For Me – one of the best beta's around. She makes me fix my "that" problem;) And, super-duper huggles to my pre-readers, Eternally Edward's girl, Pates Greeneyes and Rvrsong. They hold my hand, push me and cheer me on!
I'm afraid tissues MIGHT be needed, sorry.
Enjoy….
May 8
Caterpillar,
Hey beautiful, I miss you. I dreamt of us in the meadow, the sun was shining and we were naked in my tent ... fuck, what I wouldn't give for that to be reality.
This shit sucks ass, CP.
They keep trying to get me to admit that I'm an addict. I'm NOT fucking addicted to shit. I drink and smoke weed to numb the fucking hurt and shit ... I ain't admitting to shit.
How are you? Are you being taken care of? Are you safe there? It's just girls there, right?
They changed my meds again, something about misdiagnosis or some bullshit, who knows anymore. But, it's like I can remember things, things I thought were my fault. But now I remember little pieces to the stories … and things are not as bad as I'd always been led to believe.
I don't know what the hell is going on most of the time. I'm still doing physical therapy for my leg. I can almost walk five feet without a brace, but it still hurts like a bitch.
You get phone privileges this weekend, right? I fucking can't wait to hear your voice.
And, I wish I had a picture of you, too. But let's clear something up now, I DO NOT look like that vampire guy. He's a douche. Edward fucking Cullen is not a douche. Hear me?
I got a letter from Emmett today, apparently Alice dropped out of school and moved with Jasper to New York. My dad went apeshit nuts, of course, but he let her go. I'm so pissed at my sister for what she did to you. But it doesn't matter what she thinks, you hear me?
YOU ARE MINE and always will be. Got it?
Gotta run, that windbag Garrett wants to 'talk' to me for some more head shrinking therapy. Blah, Blah, Blah ...
The owner of your soul,
Edward
Saturday, May 10
"Hello?" I was worried he wouldn't hear me, I was so scared and anxious to hear his voice.
"Caterpillar?" I heard him loud and clear.
"It's me, Edward, it's really me." I tried to hold back my tears as I listened to him over the phone.
"Baby, CP, it's so good to hear your voice," it sounded like he was almost crying, too.
"It's good to hear yours too. How are you? Do you still miss me?" I asked, excitedly and worried about his answer.
"Fuck, you have no damn idea how badly I miss you," his voice was laced with sincerity and I would give anything to be able to hold him.
"Thank you for the letters," it was the only thing I could think to say as I wiped a few tears from my cheeks.
He sighed into the phone.
"CP, I live for your letters." He let out a heavy breath and I got chills just picturing him standing there talking to me on the phone.
"You doing okay? Are you getting better?" I asked, hopeful that he was truly making some progress with his therapy.
"I'm not an addict, Caterpillar. Do you think I'm an addict?" His question threw me and I knew I had to choose my words carefully. I thought back to all the things I had been learning and how they'd helped me.
"Edward, I think you've been through a shit storm of problems, and you used drugs and alcohol to deal with those problems. You aren't a junkie, like you are imagining in your mind. But, I do think maybe it's time for both of us to find alternative methods to dealing with the bad shit we've been through." Phew, that was a lot to lay out there and I just hoped and prayed he understood what I meant.
"So you do think I'm an addict? Are you saying that you are? Has admitting it helped?" His voice was shaky and I could hear his resolve teetering on a thin rope.
I sighed and closed my eyes.
"Yes, baby, I think I might be an addict. Because I couldn't deal with the shit from my mom, so I got high or drunk to NOT have to deal with it." There, I admitted it to him. I only hoped and prayed it didn't cost me his love.
"I'll think about it, okay?" His voice was gruff.
"I miss you so much, CP. It's like this entire world misunderstands me, but not you, never you. You've been the only one that knows me. I miss that so fucking much." I could hear his tears now and I let mine fall again.
"I know exactly what you mean, Edward. I truly do."
"I miss you, CP."
"I miss you too, baby," I say through a full on sob.
"Time's up, Bella," I heard from the secretary behind the desk.
"I have to get off the phone, Edward. Please write me and I'll call you next Saturday," I tried to make my voice sound cheerful, but failed.
"Already? Fuck, time went way too fast. I still belong to you, Caterpillar."
I clutched my heart, "As I belong to you," I sniffled, "Goodbye, Edward."
Hanging up the phone was the hardest thing I've done since I sat and watched him get wheeled out of our hospital room.
"You okay?" Judy asks as she slides up next to me with an arm around my shoulder.
I nod and wipe my eyes.
"Come see me in my office in fifteen," she hugs me and I nod again.
She's truly been a blessing to me, with allowing me time to process things in my own way. While I miss Edward with an ache I've never known before, I'm thankful for the help I'm getting while I'm here.
I'm trying my best to work through all the bad shit that has happened so when Edward and I do get to see each other again, we can just be normal kids. We can go back to school, finish our senior year together and move on from the crappy town of Forks.
At least that's the way I have it planned. I only hope Edward can see it the same way.
I hit the soda machines, grab a Mountain Dew and then head to Judy's office at the end of the hall.
She greeted me with a smile, "Shut the door behind you, please."
Shit. It's never an easy session when the door gets closed.
I sit in my favorite comfy chair in her office and wait. It doesn't take long.
"Today I want you to talk to me about Riley. You need to share what happened, Bella." Her smile was weak and caring but it didn't matter, I suddenly felt like the world was spinning and I wanted to be swallowed up.
I shook my head and fought the tears.
"You want to get better, don't you?" Judy questioned me and I nodded again.
"You want to get past all the hurt that brought you here, right?" She scooted her chair a little closer to mine and I nodded again.
"Then it's time, Bella. It's just you and I. Riley's dead and can't hurt you anymore, so it's time to put it to rest."
I sobbed and felt her arms around me.
All I could hear was his nasty voice in my ear or the feel of his rough hands on my body.
I wanted to throw up.
But, if I were ever going to get through telling Edward about it, then I had to start now.
I had to tell it all.
A/N: So, they finally got to speak….and the differences in their behaviors are blatant, I think. But, they are getting there, I promise.
Yes, Edward's letters are chaotic and scattered, he's detoxing, he's caged in and he's alone. Wouldn't you be the same way?! I know I would be.
Thank you all for reading/reviewing and sticking with me and these two chaotic kids.
Kyla
