"We've been waiting for you guys!" Ryan cries out as Troy and me get out of the Porsche Cayenne. We already went through the security check and the crew has already our luggage. Seriously, flying with your own jet from a private airport is such a timesaver!
"We got stuck in traffic." I yell back as we walk over to them. "You should apologize to your brother." I whisper to Troy.
"I know and I will."
"Like now?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Yes." he growls at me, "Lucas!" he yells at our family, who is still a few meters away from us. The bright green eyed Bolton bother turns around before he makes his way over to us.
"Just don't ruin this trip before it started. Control your anger for me right now and ignore the pictures in your head." I hiss back at my husband, knowing for once exactly what he's thinking of. He hates apologizing, I know that, too.
He shoots me a killer glance before separating himself to talk to his brother alone.
I can see Miley's worried expression as I reach my family.
"Is he apologizing?" Kelsi asks with a raised eyebrow.
I look over my shoulder, "I hope so. It's what I asked him to do."
"Since when does he listen to you?" Miley asks me back, snorting.
"I just want this trip to start without any quarrel…" I travel off, my eyes watching the Bolton men closely. I can see Troy saying something to Lucas before they both nod. It's amazing how similar they suddenly seem to be. They're the same height and they have the same bone structure. It's something I never noticed before. They both are very attractive men with their own demons to fight.
"Just a simple nod and that's it?" I ask them as they walk back to us.
"We're Boltons. We don't need to do all the crying and hugging and sobbing. That's your thing." Lucas says back, reaching us. Miley hits him softly in response, which causes him to chuckle. They're a lovely couple. We used to be just as lovely.
My glance follows my husband. He never liked admitting his mistakes, but then again no one does.
"What?" he asks me in a whisper as he stops next to me. "I apologized."
I shake my head. I shouldn't push my luck by giving a nasty statement. I should keep quite.
"You're traveling with only one suitcase?" Miley asks us in disbelief, changing the subject.
I let out a laugh, glancing at Ryan. "I told you, didn't I?"
"She's here with three suitcases."
"I need a variety of shoes with me!" Miley defends herself. "Plus, one suitcase is from Lucas."
"More like half of the suitcase. But I'm not complaining." Lucas winks at her, before embracing her with one arm.
I smile at them. They are so cute… so perfect for each other. "Ready to fly to Switzerland?"
"Definitely." Kelsi says smiling before we make our way into the jet.
"Don't you dare think I didn't notice you hiding today from me." I whisper to Kelsi as we walk up the stairs to the jet.
"You were in a bad mood this morning." she says back, "But you seem quite fine now."
"I wasn't mad at you, Kelsi. It was Troy who made me angry."
"I know, but I also know that your hormones might as well make you mad at me." she says as we climb into the jet.
"Wow this is freaking amazing!" Ryan breathes out loud. "I could definitely spent some time here."
I smile as I watch my brother examining the interior of the jet. His hands glide over the leather of the seats, the mahogany tables… "The washroom is on the left. The door at the end of the plane is a bedroom. The kitchen is to the right." I explain, unable to hide a grin. I can't believe I own a jet!
"That was one generous gift from you guys." Ry says to Miley and Lucas. "Can I order one as well?"
Kelsi lets out a laugh, "You're not getting a jet. We have something else planed for your birthday."
"You guys already have a plan?"
I frown, "They still have to read me into their plan."
"I'm ordering a jet from you then." he says, pointing to me. "With a black and white interior."
I laugh before we all get seated. I could easily afford a jet now. "I'll let you borrow mine as much as you want."
"I love you, do you know that?" he says, grinning from ear to ear.
I return his grin, "Me, too."
We have a different crew than the last time we flew. This time the crew is men only.
"Please fasten your seatbelt. We're taking off in a few minutes." Josh, the steward says to us.
Troy gets seated next to me. Miley and Lucas are in front of us and Kelsi and Ryan behind us.
"This is so exciting!" Kelsi says, staring out of the window as we start rolling.
Seconds later I feel the jet taking off. "How long will we fly to Switzerland?" Miley asks us.
"Our destination is St. Moritz. Our flight time is about three hours." Lucas says to her.
"That's not long." Miley says impressed.
"Have you ever been there?" I ask Troy.
"Yes. And you will like it. It's private and it has the best spots to go skiing."
I smile, "I'm sure it will be a lot of fun for you to ski down these mountains."
A ping sound appears, signalizing us that we may now open our seatbelt.
Immediately, Troy rises from his chair and picks up the CD as well as the matching lyrics before disappearing in the bedroom.
"Where is he going?"
"The bedroom." I answer Kelsi's question.
"He's not going to actually sleep, is he?"
I shake my head.
"What's he going to do in there then?"
"Listen to my feelings." I explain simply with a shrug.
"Okay, so two cappuccinos, one coffee and a cup of tea. Anyone else want a cup of coffee?" Josh asks us.
I shake my head, "But a cup of tea would be nice."
"Okay, two cappuccinos, one coffee and two cups of tea…" Josh says before walking over to the kitchen. My eyes follow him and rest at the closed door of the bedroom. He has been locking himself there for the whole flight. He just ordered a bottle of expensive Brandy from Josh an hour ago. I don't know if that's a good sign or a very bad one.
Kelsi, Lucas and Miley are chatting about the activities they want to do once we land.
"I see you listened to me." Ryan says, sitting down next to me.
"I just really hope I don't wreck him even more than I already did." I breathe out.
"Is that even possible?"
I glance at him, "Yes."
"You gave him your songs, didn't you?"
I nod.
"Even the awful ones?"
I shake my head, "He's not ready to go down that road, yet. I don't think he'll ever be."
"It's the best way to help him understand how much he means to you, Gabs." Ryan ensures me. "Don't you want to go in?"
I shake my head, "I'm afraid of what I'm going to find in there."
"We still have about an hour ahead of us. I think you should check on him, Gabs."
"He's coming out in an hour anyway. He has to. I can check on him then."
"Gabriella Maria Anne Bolton, are you really having cold feet?" Ry asks me in disbelief.
My eyes meet his, "I am terrified, Ryan."
"He's your husband."
"I know. But once I take a step into this room, I'm going to have to talk about my emotions…" I trail off. "And I don't like that." Troy's right. I suppress my feelings and I rarely share my feelings. It's not something I am proud of, but it's who I am.
"Take a deep breath, straighten your shoulder blades and walk into that room." Ryan orders, "You'll find the right words to say."
"Okay…" I say, rising from the seat.
"You can do it. You can face this."
"Okay…" I repeat myself before walking down the corridor. My hand stops at the doorknob and I turn around. Ryan nods to me, giving me the strength I don't seem to have. I take a deep breath before opening the door and stepping in.
Say you love me to my face
I need it more than your embrace
Just say you want me, that's all it takes
Heart's getting thorn from your mistakes
'Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If you don't wanna try,
But all that I've been thinking of
Is maybe that you're mine
And babe it looks as though we're running out of words to say
And love's floating away
I get greeted by my own voice embraced in a simple piano. After all these years I'm in the business, it's still weird to hear my own voice singing… Of course he has to listen to one of the desperate songs when I walk in. He's laying on the bed, his eyes closed. His hands are folded behind his head. I close the door and lean against it, watching him hear me. He doesn't move an inch, I don't even see him breathing. His breath is shallow. His body language gives me no sign of his emotional state. Has he fallen asleep?
No, I don't think so. The Brandy which he ordered from Josh is standing on the night stand next to him. The ice in the glass has melted. The bottle's still closed. I hope that's a good sign.
I open my mouth to say something, but there's no word coming out.
The song ends and another one starts. It's my acoustic version of Thinking out loud, before Ed Sheeran recorded it.
When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks
Darlin' I will be lovin' you
Till we're seventy
Baby my heart could still fall as hard
At twenty three
I'm thinkin' bout how
People fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Me, I fall in love with you every single day
I just wanna tell you I am
So honey now
Take me into your lovin' arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are
I let the song end, taking a deep breath before walking over to him. I have no idea what he's feeling, if he's feeling anything. The song from earlier today starts.
Different inflection when you say my name
Kiss me, but your kiss don't taste the same
Is it real or am I going out of my mind?
Curious 'bout the company that you keep
Cause I hear you talking 'bout her in your sleep
And now you've got me talking 'bout her in mine
Ooh, and I bet she has it all
Bet she's beautiful like you, like you
And I bet she's got that touch
Makes you fall in love, like you, like you
I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest
I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips
Maybe I should be more like her
Maybe I should be more like her
I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too
And she's perfect
And she's perfect
"Hi." I breathe out, my voice hoarse as I sit down next to him. It's the only word I could think of.
His eyes shut open, crystal blue orbs staring into my chocolate brown ones. His eyes scan my face as if he wants to remember my features, trying to find the bond between this song and my emotions. I can't tell him what the song's about. Who it is about.
"This song is about Katherine." he breathes out, his eyes staring deeply into mine.
"Yes." I say, nodding. God it feels like he's starring into my freaking soul.
"It's the song that played earlier when I picked you up."
"Yes." I confirm again.
"I never betrayed you with Katherine."
"I know. But it's how I felt." I mumble.
"When? What was the moment that made you feel this way?" His eyes are confused. He's looking for an explanation.
"The moment I saw you guys together at the charity gala on the Upper East Side. The night before Malibu…" I trail off. "It took me only a second to feel this stitch in my heart - and it took me less then an hour to put my pain into a song."
"The song's devastating… broken… frustrating… full of insecurity… full of jealously and pain. And above that there's an everlasting love." he whispers to me. "It's beautiful."
"It's not suppose to be beautiful." I answer back as his fingers fondle my cheek. I close my eyes, enjoying his touch. "I don't write songs to be beautiful. I write them because I feel the need to, not because I want people to like them." I breathe out. Yet, it's my job to write songs which people like. It's a contradiction - it's the fight I've been fighting within ever since I started working as a producer and writer. On the one side I want to write songs to let out the frustration I am holding, on the other side I want no one to hear these songs. Writing is one of the most private ways to express myself and my emotions. I never thought it would be my way of making money. I love what I do, but every time I hear one of my emotional songs on the radio I freeze for a second as the connected memory to the lyrics appears in front of my inner eye. More often than not, the memory is horrible and terrifying and heartbreaking all at the same time. This is why I mostly like writing songs with the artists, rather than writing songs for them. It makes my memories weaker when it's not always my words sung in the song. It makes it easier for me.
And this is why it's so hard for me to listen to them. Usually, I write the songs and lock them away in a box, hiding it at a place only I am able to find. It's rare that I record those songs - let alone give them to others. I feel emotionally naked whenever someone listens to my songs.
"How can you not see what beauty, what gift, you hold inside of you?" he asks me as I open my eyes again.
"It's not a gift." I say back, "It's my past."
"Don't be ashamed of what happened to you. It wasn't your fault that your father started raping you. It wasn't your fault when pastor Reed started raping you. It's not your fault that Victoria is a heartless mother. None of this is your fault." he says, confusion visible in his eyes. "It was what they did to you."
"But I let it happen."
"You were a child!" he says back, his bright blue orbs filled with clouds. "You were a child and these songs are the way you cope with things. With emotions. With your past." he shrugs, "With me."
Only an hour with my songs and I feel like he knows me inside out. I frown. I didn't expect this from him. "I thought you'd be mad. You don't seem mad." I think out loud. "You confuse me."
A wonderful smile appears on his lips before he captures my face with his hands, "You're not making me mad. Your actions do sometimes." he starts explaining, "but this… there's a reason why you are so successful, my angel." he says to me. "I've never met anyone who is able to capture their feelings the way you are."
"I don't think-"
"You have the ability to make people feel what they don't want to feel. You confront people with emotions they've been ignoring. You make them feel by your songs. You make me feel." he whispers to me. "You make me feel your emotions… You make me feel, Gabriella."
I smile. It's working. He's understanding my emotions.
"I had no idea you felt this way about Katherine. I thought she was just an ex of mine for you… I had no idea, you felt so much indifference for your mother… I had no idea there's still so much love for your dad in your heart. I knew you loved him, but this…" he shakes his head, "You amaze me, Gabriella Maria Anne Bolton."
I amaze him? It's the other way around! "Likewise." I say back, grinning.
He returns my smile. "You have absolutely no idea how amazing you are…" he says, brushing through my hair. "I thought I knew how you felt about me, but boy I had no idea."
"Now you know how deep my love for you goes." I whisper again.
His bright blue orbs focus mine, staring straight into my broken soul. He's making me feel naked. To him I am an open book. I always was. "I'd like to go deeper."
"What?" I ask frowning.
His left hand rests on my heart, his wedding band shining. "I want to know how much I've hurt you."
"No…" I breathe out, shaking my head.
"I can take it." he ensures me.
"You said that once and I've completely wrecked you." I say to him, "Look at where we're at. We're visiting a therapist twice a week so she can fix you." I think out loud, "I mean us. So she can fix us." I quickly add.
"Gabriella…"
"No." I say in a strict voice. "I won't let you go down that path. I'm not going to show you the hell you let me live in. I am not going to show you what mess I was. You will not hear this - you will not feel this."
"Okay…" he says, giving in.
I frown, "Okay?" I didn't expect him to give in so soon.
"I can wait for the day you are ready." he says, his blue eyes seeking for something in mine.
"I love you." I don't know if that's what he's looking for, but it's what I feel.
"I know…" he says, smiling, "I mean, I thought I knew that before but… now… Now, I know." Yet he is unable to say it back.
I smile, at least this is a start. "And you're only half way through the songs."
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please review! :)
