Donatello twiddled his thumbs and cast a bashful glance at Sydney. The conversation up until now had been easy and comfortable, but there was a serious matter that he wanted to discuss and going about it was difficult for the turtle.
"Um, so, Sydney," he stuttered. "There's something that I… I wanted to talk to you about…. something that I can't discuss with my family."
"Well, that is what these sessions are for," Sydney pointed out. "So, what's up?"
"It's just, you know about my bad leg and my panic attacks, and how I freeze up. But given all of that, and as an unbiased party, I was wondering if… well…" Donatello continued to mumble.
Sydney smiled. "Spit It out, Donatello!"
Donatello's next words fell out in a jumble, as though the log jam inside of him had been broken. "Well, I was wondering if you thought I might be capable of standing alongside my brothers again someday?"
"Like as a full-fledged member of the team?" Sydney wondered. "Going above ground for patrols and fighting battles on a regular basis?"
"More or less," Donatello replied.
"More or less?" Sydney repeated. "What does that mean?"
"I'm... I'm not sure exactly," Donatello pondered. "It's just that lately I've been feeling this pressure to be something closer to what I was before. Nobody says it outright, but I know that my brothers would like me to accompany them on more missions. Physically, I know that I'm not there yet, I mean with the leg and all, but there's a mental hurdle too. And, it might just be the mental hurdle that's more difficult to overcome."
"That's certainly true," Sydney observed. "So, let's start with the physical stuff. You and your brothers have always been fighters. Do you think that you would be comfortable rejoining them if you aren't physically able to fight?"
Donatello sighed. "The thing is, for me, fighting was always just a way to defend myself. I was never an aggressor. I would protect my brothers if needed, but goodness knows, they can certainly take care of themselves. I would protect innocents too, whenever I could. Maybe I won't be as good at that as I was before, but I'm hardly doing much good at all when I'm stuck down here in the sewers."
Sydney smiled. "Speaking as one of the innocents that you protected, I can certainly attest that you were good at it."
"Thanks," Donatello blushed. "Even if I can't fight worth a damn, there are still plenty of ways for me to defend myself and others if I do choose to start patrolling again. I could make weapons. They wouldn't even need to be deadly - things like stun guns and pepper sprays. That would be easy for me."
"I'm sure they would," Sydney agreed. "Given how much you've been building lately you must have those things around already."
Donatello winked.
"Sounds like you have the physical stuff covered then. Unsurprisingly, that leaves us with those mental hurdles that you're up against. So, what's the biggest issue that you are facing there?" Sydney probed. "Is it your fear of freezing up in the face of violence?"
"My track record with regard to that hasn't been so great," Donatello admitted. "But, I sort of have a plan for that too. I'm hoping that I just need to get myself used to being around it again. In fact, I've been wondering if the answer might be to expose myself to more of it, at least in a controlled environment." Donatello paused. "So, to that end, I'm considering returning to ninjutsu training, or in the very least, sitting in on my brothers' training sessions."
Sydney leaned forward in interest. "Really?"
"Yes really. Why do you sound so surprised?"
Sydney gave a small chuckle. "You just seem like you've made a lot of progress, is all. Last time we spoke, you just wanted to stay hidden for the rest of your life."
"I think it's because I've been so busy," Donatello theorized. "I haven't had as much time to think, so I'm not constantly stuck in my own head. When I go to bed at night, I think about the next invention or the facts that I've been gathering. I don't have time to dwell on what happened to me. But if I tell my family that I want to rejoin them, there's no going back."
"Why not?"
"It's just that it's a way of life for us. My brothers and I were schooled in ninjutsu almost from the time that we could walk. As it stands now, my family seems to accept that I can't go back to that life. I don't know if they think that I'm too hurt, or just that I'm too scared. Either way they haven't been pushing. But if I show any sign of wanting to do it again, even if it's just sitting in on training…. I just think that it will be like a snowball rolling downhill. It will pick up speed and mass so quickly that I'll have no way of stopping it."
"Why not?" Sydney wondered aloud. "Why can't you just hit the brakes and say no? Tell them about the weapons that you're building, and that you're more comfortable going that route instead. I can't imagine your family forcing you to do anything that you don't want to. They love you too much, Don."
Don blushed. "Maybe it's more about me not being able to stop myself once I've started. Being a ninja… It's what I was raised for. What I've trained for my whole life. And, I think that I was pretty good at it. But now…." Don frowned. "There's a good chance that I'll fail. And I don't know how I would handle that. I don't know how any of the others would handle that."
"Nothing lasts forever, you know," Sydney replied. "Everyone changes. Everyone ages. There will come a time when Splinter won't practice the art anymore. Your brothers won't do it forever either. If your ending comes sooner, then so be it. I think that what you would regret most is giving up before you even tried."
"I think that you're right about that," Donatello agreed. "It just seems so daunting, which is funny because ninjutsu used to be second nature."
"So, you're feeling overwhelmed, then," Sydney observed. Donatello nodded his head in agreement. "Break it down into small steps. Tell me what comes next," Sydney urged.
Donatello sighed. "Well, my family has been helping me get back into shape. It's just basic stuff, more to make me comfortable and rehab my injuries than anything else. And, they don't know this, but I've been working out on my own as well. Trying to regain as much strength as I can."
Sydney looked at Donatello. His efforts were more obvious than he knew. While he was certainly rounder and softer than any of his brothers, wiry muscles were beginning to make themselves known. His arms, in particular, looked very similar to when she had first met him.
Donatello noticed her attention and made a little muscle. "Not too bad, right?" he said with a sly grin.
"Not bad at all," Sydney agreed.
Donatello became serious again. "The thing that I can't get past is my leg. I can't even bend my knee, so I can't use crutches or anything. I have no speed or flexibility. I can't run away if I get into trouble, and that really frightens me. I need to find a way to address that, before I commit to something that I can't easily back out of."
Sydney ran her hand over her face. She had a few thoughts about this but giving voice to them was difficult. Donatello was still very fragile, and she didn't want to do anything to hurt her friend. "Don, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes I think that you use your leg as an excuse."
Donatello did look slightly offended, but at least he was open to conversation. "An excuse?" he parroted. "How so?"
"Your brothers say that you just shut down whenever anyone asks you about your leg. Your father has made similar comments, and you do the same thing to me. I just feel as though you're not open to all the possibilities, at least not yet. Given how inventive you are, there have to be plenty of ways for you to deal with having a bad leg, but you don't seem to ever consider them."
Donatello frowned. "What's to consider? You do realize that it's essentially locked in place, right? There's really not much that I can do about that."
"Yes, but aren't you supposed to be a technowizard? What about an exoskeleton of some sort? Or a suit? You found a way to drive a vehicle through lava. Something like that should be child's play for you."
"I'm not Iron Man, Sydney. Besides, all the suits and exoskeletons in the world won't help me bend a knee that refuses to move."
Sydney considered her next words carefully. She knew that they would sound shocking at first, but there was a seed that she wanted to plant. "If your leg will never be any good to you, have you ever considered amputating and replacing it with a high-end prosthetic? I'm sure that you could design one."
Donatello did a double take. "You think that I should cut off my leg?!"
"No," Sydney loudly exclaimed. "But I think that you could consider it, if you really want to rejoin your brothers on missions, and if it's really this hopeless hinderance that you make it out to be. What good is it doing you? Not only that, but it's obvious that it hurts you. Why live your life in pain?"
Don purposefully ignored the part about pain. His leg did hurt. It hurt a lot, but that was something that he didn't like to discuss. He'd been through far worse after all.
"It's my leg! I'm kind of attached to it - literally!" Donnie shouted.
"Look, I'm not saying that you should amputate," Sydney insisted. "I don't mean to upset you or make you mad, but the point of these sessions is to try and get you better. You're doing great so far, and it's understandable that you'd be scared to make any drastic moves at this point. I just want you to keep an open mind, see all the possibilities. No one wants to see you hurting, Don. No one wants to see you held back if you don't want to be. If there's some way to get better, you should think about taking it, no matter how drastic it may seem."
"Alright. Okay." Donatello felt himself calming down, now that the initial shock had passed. "I will try to keep an open mind and consider a broader range of possibilities."
"I'm not criticizing. It's just that if your goal is to rejoin your brothers, you should accept that it really is possible if you work hard enough, rather than admitting defeat. The Donatello that I know never gives up on anything."
"Um. Thank you. I guess maybe you're right about a lot of this. I suppose that I do kind of hide behind my injuries sometimes," Donatello confessed. "I'm sure that I could be doing more than I am right now."
"Well, healing is a long process," Sydney conceded. "And it's fine to take as much time as you need. I hope I didn't sound harsh. I just want you to realize what you are doing so that you can figure out what your true goals are and keep working towards them."
"No. I get it. Thank you, Sydney."
The two ended their session with a hug that left them both feeling rather flushed.
The turtles had a literal wall of televisions. By universal agreement, one of these TVs was now devoted solely to displaying incoming data from Darren Xavier's apartment and cell phone. Raphael and Michelangelo were playing a video game when they noticed that the Xavier - dedicated screen had sprung to life.
"Guys, guys, get in here," Raphael yelled.
Leonardo scurried out of his room and an oil-streaked Donatello limped out of the garage. The screen was displaying a text message between Xavier and a contact marked simply "F."
"Maybe the F is for Francis," Mikey guessed. He looked around to take in the appreciative looks on his family's faces, but their eyes were fixed on the screen. "As in Francis Kreager," he elaborated, disappointed that no one had paid him any attention.
Having already reached this conclusion, the others ignored Michelangelo and watched as words appeared on the display as the text message between the two parties was typed out.
I'm waylaid in Tokyo. I need you to handle a transaction for me. Be at Warehouse 3 tonight at 10.
"Well at least it's not warehouse 83 or something," Michelangelo commented. "Maybe that means these guys operations aren't really so big after all."
"He's waylaid in Tokyo," Leo countered. "Unless he's traveling for pleasure, I don't think that could mean anything good for us."
"You guys are such bummers," Michelangelo complained.
The turtles watched as the text message exchange continued. Darren Xavier confirmed that he could make the appointment at Warehouse 3. When the words ceased scrolling across the screen, Leo activated his leader mode. "Well, we have to assume that "F" is Francis Kreager, right? and I think that we also need to assume that this is another weapons deal."
No one disagreed. "Seems reasonable," Raphael confirmed.
"It is best to be cautious," Splinter advised.
"Well," Leo continued. "We need to know where this warehouse is, and we know that Xavier is headed there tonight. Donnie - Can you track his location using his phone?"
"I can, but if he turns it off we're screwed," Donnie somewhat pessimistically replied.
"We'd better get over there, then," Raphael urged. "Ten o'clock is still a few hours away, but he could turn his phone off at any time, and who knows what stops he'll make along the way."
Don spoke up, completely without thinking. It was almost reflexive. He simply couldn't stop himself "Don't go!" he blurted, then hesitated, as the gravity of what he had just said struck him like a rolling boulder. "Don't go without me," he soon clarified. "I just can't stand another night of waiting down here for you guys...I can't stand it." Donatello looked apologetically at his father, who gave him a somber but loving grin in return.
Leo hesitated, a myriad of emotions playing across his face. He wanted his brother to do this, but he also wanted to protect him from the evils of the world. "Are you sure, Don? Are you sure you're ready to go up there?"
Donnie looked like he was beginning to regret volunteering to begin with, but he felt stronger and more certain that he outwardly appeared. He was trusting that instinct that made him speak up moments ago. "No, I'm ready. I promise, I'm not gonna get you guys into trouble. I'll stay in the Battle Shell, but I just can't... I can't just stay down here anymore. I can't. I can't take it anymore."
Leo looked to his Sensei, who gave a subtle nod. "Okay, then," Leo decided. He then turned his head in the direction of the garage. "Let's hit the streets." Raphael gave Donnie a firm slap on the shell as they headed for the garage.
Donatello had managed to modify the Battle Shell so that he was able to drive it, even with his inflexible leg sticking out in front of him. Despite his handicap, it only made sense for him to drive, so that his brothers could hop out of the van as needed. He felt like his heart was in his throat as he slipped behind the wheel. It only got worse as he began driving, but he stuck to his guns. Donatello headed towards Xavier's apartment. Raphael watched the cell phone GPS signal, which showed Xavier still at home by the time that the turtles arrived.
When Xavier finally left, Leo, Raph, and Mikey hopped out of the van. They followed their prey through the streets, sticking to alleys, rooftops, and shadows while Donatello slowly circled around them. Even though it was peaceful, the city felt like a warzone to Donnie. He was certain that an explosion was imminent, or some unexpected and apocalyptic event was about to strike. He was worried that he'd miss an important communication over the headsets due to the thundering pounding of his heartbeat in his ears.
Despite Donatello's nerves, the operation went off without a hitch. The brothers followed Xavier until he hopped into a subway car. Raphael let out a string of expletives, until Leo reminded him that Donnie could track Xavier's cell, at least until he turned it off. Donatello pulled the Battle Shell around and picked his brothers up, feeling oddly victorious despite the fact that all he had done was drive around the block, while barely managing to somehow keep his head together.
The turtles followed Xavier's cell phone signal and watched as their enemy emerged from the subway once more. He then hopped into one of the infamous black sedans, which was parked in a public garage, suspiciously close to Auman Chemical. He drove it to a storage facility located in the outskirts of the city.
The turtles watched from the Battle Shell as the transaction played out. Having previously hacked Xavier's cell, Donatello activated the microphone, so that the turtles could listen in. It became apparent that "Warehouse 3" was simply one of the storage lockers in the complex. Xavier was lead to the locker and confirmed that the items "F" had purchased were present. He then paid off the sellers and headed back into the City.
The turtles stayed behind, intent on breaking into the locker. The Battle Shell had been carefully packed with all their espionage supplies, which was fortunate because they needed most of them. The storage locker was reinforced with security measures that had clearly been placed there by the Pseudo-Shredder's crew, rather than by the storage facility itself.
At first, Donatello assisted from the Battle Shell while Raphael attempted to break through layers of security and deactivate alarms. The longer it took, the more Donnie realized how silly it was. He was safer with his brothers than alone, especially given that the Battle Shell could be driven remotely. Eventually, he hobbled off and joined his family, secure in the knowledge that Raph would toss him over a shoulder and run him back to safety at the first hint of trouble.
Leo, Raph and Mikey greeted Donatello as though they hadn't seen him in months, but due to the sensitive nature of what they were doing, there was little time to celebrate. Although it took some time, Raphael and Donatello together managed to break through the locker's various protection systems while Leonardo and Michelangelo watched over them.
What they found was no surprise - It was weapons, and a lot of them. The turtles only opened a few of the boxes, as they were afraid of inadvertently triggering some sort of security alert. They made the difficult decision to leave this place almost exactly as they found it, as they did not want to alert the enemy to their presence. They did however, leave a few small items behind. Donatello placed GPS trackers on several of the grenade launchers, and Michelangelo placed another wireless microphone in an inconspicuous spot inside the locking mechanism of the interior door. If something happened here. They would be sure to know about it.
Don't worry. No one is amputating Donnie's leg. In fact, he'll be getting some good news in the next chapter. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
