"Why won't you tell me?"
This incessant question repeated multiple throughout the day. It was just building up to a point I couldn't take. It was making me kind of upset. To the point where I couldn't even afford to give a care in the world anymore.
We were wondering in the halls, and I spotted the captain of the vessel. She looked rather content, so I zoned into her. "Alright, fine, you want to know what parts of their body I enjoy?!" I yelled at May.
"Yes," she quipped.
"Fine! Let me show you on this here kroot!" I pointed at the captain, who I couldn't tell if they were surprised.
"Krootesque," Korak corrected.
"Details!" I shouted. I first pointed at Korak's chest. "These are usually pretty nice, I pay attention to them sometimes, and they're all nice and stuff." I then pointed at Korak's eyes. "Now there are what I really like to look at!" It's true. I know, really sappy, but eyes are something I love to stare at. They are beautiful.
"You flatter me," Korak blandly said. I then turned it around. "Oh hello, wall," it commented on its new situation.
I then pointed at the flat rear end of Korak. Holy moly, it really is flat. "And this is also something I really enjoy. I usually enjoy them a bit larger, though."
Korak harrumphed. "Well I can't help my geneology."
"Shush." I looked back at May, who seemed to have been looking back at something, but then quickly shifted her head to me. I knew exactly what she was doing. "That's just what I like, alright? Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," she muttered.
"Any others?" I inquired. She peered at Korak before shaking her head. "Okay. That's all I needed you for, captain, you go do your captain-y things."
"Okay," it droned, moving right along. Once Korak was out of the way, May stopped me from moving by grabbing my arm.
"What?" I grunted.
"Do I have an acceptable body?" What.
"Bitch, what the actual-"
"I am curious, Joker! Just indulge me this once, please." You know what, to be fair, she isn't a warlock, so she couldn't ruin my mind. The worst she could do is… Break all my bones and shoot my face. Nevermind.
I sighed, "Fine. Let me give you a good lookover." She stood like one of those template pages, you know the ones. I moved around her, pretending to assess her. I couldn't be bothered with May. Like, she's an eldar. Her kind killed my one chance at love in the grim darkness of the 41st millenium.
"Well?" she asked after a few moments.
"Pretty okay."
"Just okay?" she irked.
"It's 'acceptable', if that's what you're looking for." She smiled sweetly, and I was ready to go. Thus, I began to go.
"So…" she began, "Have you had any partners before?"
"Um…" Partners? I don't think so.
"Companions?"
"Uh… Besides my dog, no. Haven't really been all up in the whole 'partner' thing." Partners were a weird concept. I could do a lot by myself.
"So what was your dog like?"
"Uh… Spark barked a lot. Wasn't very friendly. But he was mine, and I got him for cheap. Great animal, lots of good memories." Like this one time he chased off one of my crushes. Later found out she was a criminal. Thank dog.
"Oh! He was an ani… So you've never had a previous partner, am I correct?"
"I guess, yeah," I responded, not really knowing what she was getting at.
"That is most interesting." There was a moment of silence. "I would have imagined a human such as you would have had at least one. Your personality is quite… Fetching."
Did. Did she just? "Did you just compliment me?"
"Why not? We are battle brothers, correct?"
"I- yes, but I don't think we need to compliment each other."
She laughed, "Of course, but I desire to do so."
"Don't you use your elf language on me."
"My language is not nearly as enticing as your's is. So simple, brutish…" She grabbed onto my arm, but softly this time, "Befitting of a warrior."
Whatever she was doing needed to stop. "Aaa, good thing I'm not one of those. That's what you are."
"Really? I recall you saving me from the clutches of the great enemy. Truly, only a warrior could do that." Oh ho ho, but you see, that's where you're wrong.
"Maybe, but then I remember you kicking me in the face."
"I thought you said you liked your women rough, tough, and hard to bluff," her wryly smile only growing larger.
"That. Was. A joke."
"I don't know about that."
"Bitch, I'm 'boutta hurt you."
"I hope you like fighting something that fights back."
"Maybe I like a bit of fight!" Christ, I sound like an ork.
"Then come." Her hands were up in fists.
"Wait, aren't we battle brothers?"
To which she shrugged, "We'll call it sparring." Works for me.
And that's how Dekaff found us attacking each other in the hallway. "Woah, Joker, what?"
I stopped looking at him. "Oh hey, no hard feelings right?" I turned back to my opponent, who launched a side swipe with her foot directly to my face. I hit the ground hard.
"Do you need help?" my concerned buddy asked. No sirree, I had it all under control.
"Nah," I rose, now ready for any attacks.
"You sure?"
"I'm losing on purpose."
May piped up, "You're just saying that to save your ego."
"And you're just saying that to boost yours!" I honed a punch into his shoulder, but she was ready, redirecting the blow off to the side and smashing my face in. "Ow."
"Wait… Are you sparring with this thing?"
"Yes?" Was it not obvious?
"Disgusting," he spat, turning around and walking away. What a dick! And here I thought he was cool.
So, we went back to me getting destroyed in melee combat.
Thankfully, we got bored of that, or at least I did, and I went to go relax in the room. It takes a lot out of you, you know. I practically collapsed onto the bed, ready to fall asleep. Then I forgot the whole armor thing I had going on. I usually wore it while around the ship. Never know when a daemon could appear and ruin your day.
I felt hands around my helmet, and I really wanted to turn around. It was then lifted off my head. I looked back, seeing May. "I don't need help."
"I want to help."
"Okay," I conceded.
"I expected a little bit more from you."
"I can't always be amazing." She giggled in response.
So she helped me out of my armor. Then it got a little too far when she tried to grab my coat off.
"Woah, hey, I sleep in that."
"You don't have to," her coyness evident.
"Right, that's exactly why I sleep with it." My coat from the Armageddon Guard, I think they were called the Steel Legion, is a prized relic. I've kept it with me for a long while, and it's worn well.
So I rested on the bed. I peered up at some noise shortly after I leapt onto the bed, and saw the eldar exiting its armor. She found some clothes from my cabinet, throwing them on herself. She then placed herself on the bed.
"Uh…"
"Look, I don't like them either. They just don't fit right," she sighed.
"No, that's not… I mean, it's- you're in my bed."
"We share the room," she fell back, "My bed, too."
"Why, are you, sleeping, in it, right now?" I spaced out, pausing between everything. I'd usually be completely fine with some chick sleeping with me, but an alien? I just… can't believe it, to be honest. I never thought my life in 40k would lead up to this.
"Because," she answered. I felt her hand on my coat. "I can do what I want. I can beat you any which way, so I'm free of any real consequence."
That so, huh? I'd show her something. I grabbed her hand, causing her to gasp. I then threw myself on top of her, holding her hands down. "What was that about any which way?"
She struggled for a few moments. "You're cheating. You have heavier apparel on."
"It's just a coat."
"Take it off!" she shouted.
"Fine!" I threw it off. I held her down once again, this time she seemed content to do nothing. "Uh… You gonna do anything?"
"Sorry, I'm preoccupied," she smirked.
"Doing what?"
"Staring."
"Fuck off!" She giggled in response. "There's not much to even look at."
"Besides the numerous nicks and obvious toned body?" She said, "Just how I like them. Shame my kind never really has that look."
Oh my god. She was checking me out. I immediately went for my coat. I ain't letting this shit happen.
"I'm just saying, Joker."
"What kind of 'partner' starts checking out the other?"
"Well, I just thought that's how you humans do it. Partners do that kind of thing, right?"
"Partners don-" Oh. OH. She meant… I'm an actual tool. I'm such a big tool I belong in a shed. "Did- did you mean romantic partners?"
"Isn't that what partners are?"
Red alert. Red alert. Brain shutting down. Alert legs to begin evacuating the premises. Legs accelerating backwards, backpedal in progress.
"Joker?"
Registering response. None found. Continuing backpedal.
"Joker, what are you doing?"
"I can't date an eldar, dude. This shit is just too unreal."
"It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you! I haven't had a partner either, so this is new to me-"
"Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, no." I backpedaled on out of the room.
Wait, my things are in there. Shit. I wandered back in after realizing this to find May laying by herself in the bed. She wasn't making any noise, but she looked scrunched up on the bed. I looked closer and saw little drops of water falling down her face.
I feel like a dick. I actually feel awful for something in a fictional universe. I made my decision right here and now. I grabbed the holster for the pistol, and put it aside somewhere. I wouldn't need it for what I was about to do. I put up the coat, too.
I slid into bed, and threw my arm around the alien, who felt surprisingly human. "I'm sorry," was all I could muster.
She chuckled. "I'm going to kick you."
