Severus sat in his small study and stared stubbornly at the Dark Forest through the window.

"Why are you so repulsive," asked Poppy sternly, who stood with her arms crossed over her chest in front of his desk. "Can't you pull yourself together?"

Severus glanced at Poppy briefly before he turned his attention back to the window.

"Where is Julie?" Poppy asked, before her searching gaze wandered through the study. "She was neither at lunch nor at dinner."

Severus inhaled sharply as he began to fumble with his wand that lay on his desk, "She's in Minerva's office," he replied, audibly annoyed. "Minerva has two students who can't understand transfiguration."

Poppy laughed, "And Julie gives them tuition?"

"Yes," Severus growled. "I'd rather have her here with me than to see her waste her time with these dunderheads."

Poppy could understand Severus, but was of the opinion that a little distance could not hurt. "Julie will be fine if she does something without you, Severus. After all, you spend the lessons together and your spare time, which is practically the whole day. Apart from that, Julie will surely be better off elsewhere at this moment. Your presence is, uh, let me say, less pleasant."

"You do not really have any spare time here," replied Severus, annoyed, as his eyes turned back to the window, while he chose to ignore Poppy's comment on his mood.

Poppy sighed, "Severus is it really only the students .. or are you upset about something else?" The absence of his answer confirmed Poppy's assumption. "I know that you'd like to control everything. But unfortunately this is not possible. You should try to accept it and you will soon realize that it will make you happier and more balanced. "

Severus glanced at her gloomily. He did not like the fact that he did not have full control. Although a few things had turned out to be positive in his life, the certainty that he could not control everything was driving him insane. He hated it. Severus growled and twisted his hands into fists. For days he had tried to suppress it. He had not wanted to name this feeling, but today he had done so, at least in his mind. Hate. He hated it. And how deeply this hatred reached. It seemed to shake his foundations. Severus leaned his head against the backrest and stared at the window. The muscles of his jaw were painfully tense. He was frustrated, deeply frustrated with himself, since he was once again rather unpleasant, as he had always been. Or as Poppy called it, repulsive. And the bad thing about it was that Poppy was absolutely right.

'As always,' shouted his hateful inner voice. Severus frowned, and his gaze darkened. How long had this voice already dictated his life? When had it started? What had been the trigger at the time? His gaze wandered along the window-sill, across the wall, and to the shelf, that accommodated innumerable bottles filled with potions. The brown bottle in the third shelf on the far right was nearly empty. He had to brew Julie's sleeping potion again. Julie ... Severus took a deep breath and closed his eyes. For a moment he sat perfectly still and he pondered over his present situation. It did not matter since when this voice had commanded and controlled him, he told himself. All that really mattered was how long he would allow that voice to continue to do so. Severus did not want to hear this voice anymore. He could not hear it anymore. It made him sick. He wanted to have his peace at last. But this voice was constantly present, it was loud and intrusive, and it always had an opinion - which Severus no longer always shared. Nevertheless, his life was still dictated by his inner voice...

Severus inhaled sharply and tried to relax his tense posture. But luckily there was the voice of his wife, he thought, which often brought him back to his senses. These two days had been incredibly hard for him. On the first day he had been somehow able to pull himself together - with difficulty. On the second day, it had become almost impossible to do so. He had struggled and then, when his inner voice had suddenly become so loud that he could not hear anything else, he had finally lost control. That happened this morning shortly after the beginning of the first lesson. His rage had become so out of control that he had even ignored his wife, who had tried to strengthen him and support him. Now it was evening and he could neither apologize nor thank her, since he had not seen her since the end of the morning lessons. Cursed were the students and their lack of understanding for transfiguration...

Severus' gaze still lingered on the sturdy shelf, which contained innumerable bottles. As much as the current circumstances angered him, he was also worried. He worried about the moment his wife would come to him. Would Julie be annoyed? Would she forgive him? What could he tell her? Should he try to explain the circumstances to her, or should he immediately apologize? Severus did not know and felt worse than before. A strained expression appeared on his face and he shook his head. Where he once had had to worry about someone like Voldemort, it was now the situation with his wife that caused him concern. What a difference, he thought, as the hint of a smile appeared on his lips. Severus shifted in his chair until he sat more comfortable. What a pleasant difference.

They had decided last night after a long conversation to go to Hogsmeade next Saturday and do some shopping so that they would be seen together in public. This fact had eased the burden that weighted heavily on Severus' heart. But it had made him very angry as well. Why couldn't his life be normal? What was normal? He tilted his head and stared at his wand, which was still lying on the desk in front of him. What was normal? Would he ever know? Was it important to know it? Did he really want to know? Anyway.. Severus inhaled deeply and held his breath. His mood had caused Poppy's visit as she hadn't been able to stand his foul mood anymore.

Severus looked up at her with a somber expression, releasing his breath. "I can not accept this and I do not know whether I want to accept it at all." He paused for a moment and asked, "You said this morning that the situation will not be as bad as I expect it to be. Why do you think so? "

Poppy nodded slowly, looking slightly relieved. "Severus, you can not influence the opinion of outsiders. But you can certainly influence Julie's opinion. And I must say that I am absolutely sure that this isn't even necessary. She understands you better than anyone else. But if it will make you feel better, then you can definitively change something. And you can do so before all the fuss about your marriage begins."

"I can not change anything," he exclaimed in a voice filled with frustration.

Poppy stepped up to him and sat down on the chair next to Severus. "I know you're not ready to talk to Julie about certain things. This is perfectly fine. However, you should consider that a lot will be written about you. And at least twice as much will be talked about you, even here at Hogwarts."

Severus glanced at Poppy, "Why do you tell me something I already know?" he asked, clearly angered.

"Well, there's a decision you can make," Poppy suggested.

"And what kind of decision is that," he growled, looking rather unimpressed.

"What should Julie hear from you?" asked Poppy and raised an eyebrow at him.

Severus frowned and stared at Poppy gloomily.

"Is there anything Julie should know before your relationship becomes public, something you want to share with her, something she should not hear from others or read in a newspaper?"

Severus turned his gaze from her and thought deeply while Poppy was waiting. After the silence in the room had lasted for a long time, Poppy continued, "With what will Julie be first confronted with?"

Severus took a deep breath as he stared frustrated at the opposite wall. "Lily," he said almost inaudibly. "Do you think she doesn't know yet?"

She shook her head, "I talked to her parents, who told me that Julie does not know much about your personal life because she was too deeply involved in her own problems at the time." Poppy explained and tried to read Severus' expression, what was not possible at that moment. "I'm pretty sure they'll start with that part of your life."

Severus growled annoyed and silently cursed the stupid Weasely boy, because of whom everyone knew that he had once loved Lily. "Why couldn't this dunderhead keep his mouth shut," Severus said sounding desperate.

"You can not change anything, Severus. If Sybill did not have the vision, you would not have survived the war. Be grateful that you've got a second chance."

"I'm grateful," Severus said, looking at Poppy. "But all these details about me that others now know, make everything so much more complicated. Why can't my life be simple? Nothing in my life is simple."

Poppy looked at Severus sternly, "Severus, whatever happened between Julie and you, was simple. Admit it. .Easy. Besides, if things are in fact difficult we will have more appreciation for that what we will ultimately achieve."

Severus turned his gaze away from her and frowned.

"Admit it, Severus!"

"It could have been more difficult," Severus grumbled as he fumbled with his wand again.

"Goodness, Severus, you've just received something that's incredibly valuable, enjoy it and do it right away," exclaimed Poppy.

"I could lose her," he said clearly agitated. "With all this rubbish that will come upon us, with all the things that will be written and said about me - that are not true.. you have experienced it last time." Severus paused, and dropped his head against the backrest of the chair and an annoyed sigh escaped his lips. "I have to stop doubting," he said, a bit quieter.

"Severus, you have to stop doubting in Julie," Poppy corrected him pointedly. "Never doubt the feelings which she has for you. She deserves this."

He looked at her in surprise.

"This is exactly what you're doing here, Severus. You still doubt her and her feelings for you. You're a fool."

"I'm a fool," Severus agreed, and the shadow of a smile appeared on his lips again.

"A big fool," added Poppy. "You should talk to Julie about Lily, and you will see that you'll feel better. Your mood will be more bearable, and when the subject is rolled up by the press, it will not be so hard for you. Julie will be confronted with a lot. By talking to her now, you'll help her."

"How can I tell her that? How and where shall I begin?" Severus asked doubtfully.

"Do not worry too much about it," Poppy replied, standing up, "The right situation will surely come. It's high time to start to open up to her, Severus. Do it and you will see that this will make everything easier."

But after Poppy had left, Severus couldn't stop worrying about it. He sat thoughtfully behind his desk and frowned at the opposite wall until he had a unbearable headache. Despite his earnest effort to find a way to talk to his wife about Lily, he came up with no ideas. He was finally torn from his thoughts when the door opened and Julie entered the room.

"What's wrong with the Gryffindor's," she asked as she approached him.

For a few seconds Severus' expression was unreadable, then he leaned back in the chair, breathing deeply. "Why do you ask," he replied as he wondered why she had started this subject. Nevertheless, he was grateful to her, as she had opened the path for him to finally talk about Lily.

Julie smiled amused, "Well, seven detentions and eleven extra essays - and that only during the morning lessons and only for the Gryffindor's. I think this is your new record, am I right," she asked and settled beside him in her chair.

Severus took a deep breath, then shook his head. "No, I must disappoint you. This time you are unfortunately wrong," he informed her, grinning.

Julie smiled and shook her head. "Won't you tell me what is all this about?" she asked and raised her eyebrows expectantly.

Severus stared into her eyes and then at the opposite wall. "All the bullies were from Gryffindor," he confessed.

"I had feared this," Julie murmured as she thoughtfully eyed the worksheets and papers that lay on the desk in front of them. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked cautiously, as she turned to look at him.

"Hmm," he replied with a slight nod of his head. "The culprits were Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew. I don't want to talk in detail about the humiliations I had to endure because of them," he added and paused as his expression darkened considerably.

"You do not have to," Julie assured him, sliding her hand into the nape of his neck where she caressed his skin, which felt strangely cold.

"The ... things that I've experienced at the time made me become who I am today. I've never really liked Potter, but ... there was something that has aggravated the problems between us, and that was Lily. Between me and Potter was a rivalry because of her. In the end, she chose him. "

Julie's hand was now resting in the nape of his neck and she looked at him with growing concern. "Who was she to you," she asked softly.

"She was the only friend I ever had, or, at least, I had always believed that until then," he replied.

The silence stretched and they both sat there for a few minutes, lost in thought. Then Severus continued. "Once, after Potter and his friends had humiliated me again, Lily came to see me, and I, in my madness called her a mudblood. She never forgave me."

Severus played with his wand, and Julie looked at him in silence.

"Soon after, I became a death eater, Lily married Potter, and they had a son... Then she was killed by Voldemort... I could not save her."

"Have you tried to safe her?" Julie whispered.

"Yes." His voice was thick with emotion and trembled slightly.

"For a mother, no love that is more pure and deep than the love she has for her child. At least that's what people say," began Julie softly, "You saved her child," she added.

After Severus had sat motionless for a moment, he nodded.

"Lily was also a Gryffindor," Julie asked.

"Yes."

"And Harry Potter, too," Julie added.

"Yes."

Julie nodded and began to massage his neck. Her gentle and conscious touches were exactly what Severus needed right now. He began to relax slowly and leaned back into her touch. Julie placed her other hand on his forearm that was now resting on the desk. Her fingers brushed over the soft material of his sweater and she noticed that his skin was cold.

She got up, went to the office where she pushed their armchairs closer to the fireplace before she returned to the small study and offered Severus her hands. "Come, let's sit by the fire," she suggested.

Severus accepted her help, got up, and followed her to the office. They made themselves comfortable and Severus sighed deeply as he stared into the flames.

"I was very angry with her because she had chosen Potter, but then ..." he paused while Julie opened a chocolate frog and handed it to him.

Severus looked at the chocolate frog, before he took it with a slight nod. Then their eyes met and a honest smile appeared on his lips. "I had loved Lily. She'd always been nice and obliging, she accepted me the way I was. Later she did not like my growing interest in the dark arts of magic, but in the beginning we were friends. Lily liked me, no one else did that. She supported me and encouraged me just as you do now."

Severus reached for her hand and enveloped her hand with his, before giving it a gentle squeeze. "I had always been frightened that something could happen, that might separated Lily and me. The idea of living without her was unbearable, unimaginable. I feared to be alone again. I knew that it would make my life very difficult."

Severus looked at the chocolate frog that had begun to melt in his hand.

"This is the difference between you and Lily." He lifted his gaze from their intertwined hands and looked into her eyes. "I've heard women do not like such comparisons at all, but I'm sure you'll like my comparison."

When Julie raised her eyebrows in expectation he smiled. "If I were to live without you, that would not only make my life difficult. It would be impossible for me to live like that. The vacant space you'd leave behind would be impossible to fill ever again. I would not see any reason to live on. My life only makes sense because you are by my side. It only makes sense because you're a part of it."

He suddenly paused and Julie waited, knowing that he was searching for the right words to say.

"I know that I've been rather difficult today. I know that I must have hurt you by being this insufferable, obnoxious person that I am deep down inside. I.. um, please know that I ignored you, because I was afraid to hurt you. I really wanted to have your help and support, I needed it, but I decided to ignore you because the darkness in me was so gloomy at that moment that I was afraid of hurting you. I do believe that I've hurt you anyway."

Julie stroked his thumb with hers and wanted to say something, but he interrupted her.

"Sometimes it is very intimidating to see what still lies ahead of me. But I have confidence that I will overcome it, especially because you are by my side. Even if it will take a long time... I know that you'll help me to find myself."

He smiled when he saw how emotional his wife was. Severus wanted to touch her, he wanted to catch the tears that ran down her cheeks, but the chocolate frog he still held in his free hand prevented him from doing so. Severus looked at the melting frog before he offered it to Julie.

She smiled tearfully and took a bite. Severus watched as her tongue ran over her lips in an attempt to remove the melted chocolate. He grabbed her and pulled her closer into a kiss. It was a passionate and sweet kiss, which he only broke when they both were in urgent need to breathe.

The tears that had decorated her flushed cheeks, had now dried. Only her wet eyelashes and reddened eyes indicated that she had been crying. Severus rested his forehead against hers and inhaled deeply her chocolatey scent. Then he kissed the tip of her nose and leaned back in his armchair, feeling utterly satisfied.

"Before, when I thought of Lily, I was angry. Not just angry, sometimes I was revengeful, but this sentiment was mainly directed toward Potter. It was not easy to separate these emotions."

"And what do you feel now when you think of Lily," Julie asked.

"Now it's different..." he searched for the right words and stared into the flames that danced in the fireplace. "It was such an unpleasant feeling that I preferred not to think of Lily - just to avoid this feeling. In spite of my efforts to suppress these memories, they came back regularly." He turned to Julie, who listened attentively as she unwrapped a bar of chocolate.

"It got really bad when her son came to Hogwarts, I've probably never before being so repugnant." Severus mused about his words and then smiled. "I do not know when and how it happened, but when I remember Lily today, I don't have that unpleasant feeling anymore. It's gone."

He looked at her expectantly and Julie smiled gently. "That means that you have forgiven Lily."

Severus frowned, and he looked at her thoughtfully. "Do you think," he asked, doubting and yet hopeful.

"You can answer that question yourself."

Severus leaned back again and continued to stare into the flames while Julie enjoyed the chocolate.

"How did it happen," he asked himself after a while.

Julie smiled and held out a piece of chocolate, "Here try this, it is a new trend."

Severus glanced at the piece of chocolate as if it were poisoned before he looked at Julie and shook his head.

"Severus, I know that you do not like things that are new and unknown to you. You do not like changes, not even an unknown kind of chocolate," she said, smiling, and put the piece of chocolate in her mouth where she let it melt. "It's something new in your life, which has ultimately led you to forgiving Lily. You've let a change happen, and it touches you not only on one side, but on so many different levels. Or let us say, it touches different aspects of you, of which existence you might not even be aware of. But the result is good, and it has happened without you noticing it. And you are satisfied that you don't feel these negative emotions in regard to Lily anymore. It brings a little more peace to your life."

Severus looked at her, clearly thoughtful. Julie gave him another piece of chocolate. This time, he hesitantly accepted it and bit off a small piece. His expression was serious and tense as he let the chocolate melt in his mouth. Julie leaned back and eyed him with satisfaction.

"And, do you like the chocolate," she asked after a moment of silence had elapsed.

Severus took a few deep breaths and then nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, it tastes delicious," he confessed.

"There's a lot in life, Severus, that you might find likeable. You just have to dare."

"I know," Severus replied, reaching for her hand to caress it with his thumb.

Julie sighed and handed Severus the bag of chocolate, "Here, if I continue eating, I'll soon look like a barrel."

Severus chuckled and reached for the bag.

"Let go of your old habits and the dark feelings. That will create space for new ones, for better ones," encouraged Julie.

Severus nodded, but looked less confident.

"What do you feel now when you think of Lily," Julie asked.

"I am grateful," Severus surprised himself. He looked at Julie strangely before he suddenly looked extremely satisfied.

"If she had chosen me, it would have robbed me of the opportunity to choose you."


A/N:

Hi there :)

Well, I have a lot of stress at my new job and I must honestly say that writing was not very important for me in the last couple of weeks. In fact, at times I wanted to quit writing all together. Besides, the resonance to this story is rather low, which was another point that didn't inspired me to write.

Nevertheless, I completed another chapter. Severus is currently in a phase of development and there will be another such chapter before the story moves on. Severus is a complicated character and I can't turn him overnight into a new person. That would not be believable.

Thanks for those of you who are still reading this story :) I greatly appreciate your patience. And with a little bit of support from your side, I might actually complete it.