I am determined to finish this. XD. IT SHALL BE FINISHED. :3
Chapter 16
Break & Bleed & Burn
I've given up my soul
My mind
And now…even my body
January, 5th, 2010
And I'm not buying baby
Demanding my response
That morning, I stay there, softly breathing, the happiness has faded and so has the pain, numbness simply burned through every core of my being as I stand up and walk towards the crib, seeing that Britt is softly asleep and the nakedness of my being, along with the air, makes me feel so weightless, like a cloud on Earth, dancing instead of walking, just feeling the ounce of beauty that I don't know how to describe.
Then I hear the sound of the door knocking.
I turn around, kissing onto Britt's head, wearing anything I could find off the floor, a white nightgown that had been left on the floor, something that Randy had wanted me to wear but I had said no to, and the clothing suddenly feels like a second skin, as a part of me, and I open it to see Cody panting, tears burning through his eyes and that's when the agony and desolation decide to puncture back into my heart. I can feel it in my heart, puncturing towards my soul…destroying me as Cody holds onto me, crashing me down onto the floor and suddenly his tears sink into the pure flesh of my skin, I could feel his sadness rocking through my body…rocking through his body…I didn't say anything. I just held onto him until I heard Britt's screaming. Then Cody walked towards her and held her, rocking her gently while he looked at me, with his puffy red eyes and then he told me. "Randy wants to kill himself."
My heart pounded loudly into my chest and suddenly, tears swell up into my own eyes and Cody rocks Britt back and forth. "Save him, Teddy. Save him!" Cody doesn't know where to go, and even if he did know, he knows that Randy will only listen to me…that Randy's always only listened to me. Cody holds onto Britt while I run out, barefoot into this soft cotton dress that had more life in me than I had at that moment. So many thoughts rush and pound and I'm running as hard as I can but I don't know where to go and I just stop by the doorway, the tears and sobs bursting and I try to think of where would Randy go to kill himself.
Then a thought comes to my mind and I run towards the direction of a cemetery.
The cemetery where I was buried when I had died. My eyes scan and I could find Randy right there, standing up and sitting down, rubbing against the gravestone… Randy's hand was running against the description.
An angel among our skies, to light up a darkened day…
Randy laughs. "An angel…" he says, tears blurring in his eyes and I just stand there, unable to move, just frozen, watching him put the knife down and rub against the inscription of my gravestone. "An angel…you used to be an angel, Teddy. You still are, so beautiful…but-but-a demon…has taken your place and you think you want to die. I can't save you, Teddy…" Randy's arms wrap around the gravestone. "I want to join you in the sweetest death, just to be beside you once more warms my heart…I want my angel back. I want to hold him, whisper to him the sweetest lullaby, tell him sweet 'I love you's and not worry about him saying 'I don't deserve you'…I want my happy fairytale with my angel, my Teddybear."
Ted fed a stab of pain as Randy reaches for the knife, just looking at the shiny blade. "You did this to yourself, Teddy…I was too late to save you from drowning on this demon's venom. I lost you…but now, I'll be together with you. I'll forget the cocaine, I'll forget Cody, and I'll forget myself…if I can have my angel back." Randy's voice cracked at the end.
"I love you…" Randy's voice is softer now.
He hangs his head low.
"I love you so much…"
Randy rocks his head from side to side. "I love you, Teddy, from your head to your toes, you're the reason the stars up there glow…you're the sweet mountain's lovable snow…I love you, Teddy…from your head to your toes…" Randy sings softly to himself, ready to run the tip of the blade to his heart. "I love you, Teddy…you're the reason the stars up there glow…"
"NO! Stop!" I just find my voice and state of mind but Randy slides in the knife anyways and I lean down and I'm so fucking horrified and I hold onto Randy's face and I'm trying to pull the fucking knife away…and-and-it plunged Randy, near his heart, but not his heart, the blood is seeping so damn fast and he's lying in a pool of his own blood, as if it's a sick bath…and the dark crimson stains Randy's body so effortlessly and my heart is pounding through my chest and-and-Randy's holding onto me, holding on as tightly as he could've.
"…I don't know that death can be so pleasing…" Randy chuckles.
He thinks he's dead and I'm holding onto a phone while he's tightly holding onto me…I call the hospital and I'm panting and he kisses me softly and I kiss back even through the distress. There's just something in me that tells me he might be dying and I must make him feel the security, just the security, for once in his life…I don't want him to break. I don't want him to bleed. I don't want him to burn…not in pain.
I want him to be happy.
I want us to have something just before he might die on me… and I will take care of Britt. I will try and be happy…just for him. This is my fault yet even though I'm so depressed and whiny all the time, I have to learn to be better…I don't want Randy's possible death to not mean anything to me at all…I want to be happy…in death, watching over me. I was never the angel.
It was always him.
Now, I'll pretend that he is happy…and he is with me… I'll let him be happy. And maybe, just maybe, I might've done something for him in the end after all…
Shush. The angst is not over. XD.
X Sam.
