(AN: yeah, I know this isn't 'Desert Storm,' but there were a few ideas I had for comic situations before things get heavy, so I'm throwing this in.)

"Bravo Six this is Bravo Zero, we are inbound to RV at your location."

There was a brief pause on the radio until Bowles' voice crackled through the static.

"Roger that, Bravo Zero, be advised we have provisions lined up so I hope you guys have room."

Crosby looked over his shoulder and smirked.

"Ah, roger that, Bravo Six we may have to shuffle a few passengers to make room."

Their Blackhawk had just lifted off from the Tristainia palace, where they picked up Lt. Gordon and Alex. The leader of the newly christened Royal Sharpshooter Guard, Agnès, had asked to come along as well. Konrad had indicated that at least according to the princess Agnès was a veteran of several battles, but Crosby had his doubts. Anyone who can bet wrestled to the ground by a 19 year old buck private is more likely to be a load. She probably just didn't want to be separated from her boyfriend.

That thought made him mentally list all the men under Konrad's command who had fallen for one of the local girls. And he shook his head again. Between the 'harem' of females and the magical spells and whatnot he thought if this was a movie people would be throwing down the bullshit flag about now. His thoughts were interrupted as they hit a wind-shear, causing the Blackhawk to shudder. He heard a female yelp and looked over his shoulder again.

Gordon was manning one of the side-mounted miniguns, more out of habit, and Alex sitting on the floor with his feet dangling over the side, scanning the horizon with the scope of his M-99 sniper rifle. Louise was clutching the edge of her seat for dear life, and sulking. She had made her opinion of their new craft the first time she laid eyes on it, but true to her word she was keeping silent. The other female in the passenger compartment was the blonde knight who was frantically trying to tell Alex something. He switched a channel on his radio.

"So Alex, what's got Blondie so bent out of shape?"

There was a chuckle heard through the static.

"Apparently she's scared I'll fall out. But she doesn't understand concepts like 'gravity'."

Crosby grinned.

"Aww, that's cute, it just means she cares."

"Haha, very funny. Besides I can't stand those bench seats. What's our ETA to the tavern?"

"About twenty minutes, think you can keep her calm until then?"

"Roger that, sarge. I gave her a nice toy to play with on the way, so I think she'll be golden."

The Zulu Squad sergeant smiled at the recollection earlier at the palace, when Alex presented Agnès with their first prototype black powder revolver. It was based off the old Colt Army Model 1860, and to say the blonde knight was happy with her gift was an understatement. Crosby didn't think a girl in full plate armor could jump four feet in the air and let out a Siesta-style squeal of glee.

"Crosby-san, I have a visual on the objective."

He nodded.

"It's okay, Saito, we can break protocol and call it the Charming Fairies."

Saito was wearing Benson's old uniform, and it fit him fairly well, aside from the sleeves and trousers being too long. Nothing that blousing the cuffs into the boots and rolling up the sleeves couldn't fix. At least he wasn't wearing those dorky Elton John glasses. Their efforts to get the glasses off the previous evening was comical to say the least.


(The previous evening)

There was another loud explosion, and the castle shook. Crosby sighed and sat up in bed. He had been trying to sleep for the last two hours, but sleep was evading him. Mostly because, if the explosions were anything to go off of, those magic glasses Louise gave her familiar were causing her to blow her stack. He would really need to sit the pinkette down and have a talk with her about controlling her temper and jealousy.

He threw back the covers and got up, deciding that he was walking into a war zone he opened the armoire where his armor and weapons were stored and suited up.

The blast flung Saito into the air and against one of the school's stone walls. Ironically, as much as it hurt him, the damned magical glasses were still intact. He rolled onto his back, and saw one of the students, she was a first year judging by her cloak, staring at him with pity. The blast also caused a huge updraft, and it flared her pleated skirt, just enough to show…

The glasses made the obnoxious beeping sound, and he heard Louises voice growl at him.

"Ssssaitoooo! You perverted dog!"

The teen braced for another explosive blast, but it never happened. He hear Louise screech again, but this time it was in protest. He looked up and saw her pinned under the arm of Crosby-san.

"Unhand me this instant! I command you!"

Crosby ignored the pinkette's rant and looked around, finally seeing what he needed.

"Did you hear me?! Unhand me so I can continue disciplining my familiar!"

The Zulu Squad soldier didn't answer, but removed her from under his arm, and held her up with both hands, her own arms still pinned down. He then hung her by her cloak collar on one of lamp pegs on the stone walls. Given her height or lack thereof, she dangled a good three feet off the ground. He then confiscated her wand and riding crop and finally spoke to her.

"My lady, I have warned you in the past about controlling your temper and not abusing Saito. Now, I want you to calm down and think about what you did while I try to find a way to get rid of those ridiculous glasses. We're going on a potentially dangerous mission tomorrow and I don't want them giving away our position or complicating things."

She started to protest when he leaned in, giving her the full glare of his ice-blue eyes.

"And if you don't stop thrashing about and caterwauling, I'm going back to my room, finding the dirtiest pair of socks I own and stuff them in your mouth."

That got her attention. She stopped and her eyes went wide.

"Got it?"

She nodded. He turned away and helped Saito to his feet.

"Kid, let's go wake up Lugo and see if we can find a way to get those damned glasses off."


(fifteen minutes later, the kitchen)

Saito pulled his head out of one of the kettles, spluttering and spitting out water. Lugo shook his head.

"Nope, guess water won't stop it. You want to try fire next?"

The chef Marteau helpfully pulled out a pair of fireplace tongs, which caused Saito to panic. Crosby shook his head.

"No, they're impervious to the elements; otherwise one of Louise's blasts would have blown them off him."

He thought some more, but his thoughts were interrupted by a terrified squeak. He looked over and saw the maid Siesta, in a rather revealing nightie clutching a frying pan. When she saw her boyfriend, Siesta relaxed and lowered her frying pan. Unhelpfully, the glasses blinked and beeped again.

"Hey sarge! I think I have another idea!"


*KLOONG!*

The frying pan connected with Saito's face, sending him flying across the kitchen. Immediately Siesta dropped the skillet and apologized to Saito. Crosby helped the kid up, and it was to no avail, the glasses, though chipped, were still on him. Lugo spoke up.

"Well, looks like force is out of the question. What's next, lock him in Kirche's room and see if her bust causes the thing to short-circuit?"

That got Crosby's attention.

"As a matter of fact…"


(5 minutes later, Kirche's room)

Kirche Zerbst folded her arms under her rather impressive bust. Since they just woke her up, she was also wearing one of her usual revealing nightwear, this one in purple, and had an amused look on her face.

"You want me to cuddle Louise's familiar until the glasses break?"

Crosby nodded.

"In a word, yes. These things react whenever Saito reacts to girls, so someone of your rather large…assets would probably short-circuit them."

The redhead seemed to think for a moment and nodded.

"Very well, Sir Crosby, I will help you. I would help in any way to one up a Vallière. Expecially a Zero like Louise."

She gave him a suggestive wink.

"But you owe me one, my handsome old warhorse."

Kirche bringing up her pet-name of him caused the Zulu Squad sergeant to shudder. It brought back bad memories of when he got turned into a pretty-boy teenager. After suppressing the shudder and the implications of what this favor might entail he nodded.

"Fine, as long as it doesn't involve carnal knowledge I accept."


(30 minutes later)

"Y'know sarge, I don't think your idea is going to work any better than water or a frying pan."

Crosby nodded and looked back over to where Kirche had wedged Saito in her cleavage. The teen apparently didn't mind, and it was at least not as bad as being almost drowned or walloped with a cast-iron skillet.

"W-why not try a little while longer, Crosby-san, I think these glasses are breaking."

It was true, the glasses had stopped their incessant beeping and now were just flashing wildly. Crosby turned away from the spectacle, and noticed a large book on the table. He turned back to Kirche.

"What's this book?"

The redhead paused in her cuddling.

"Oh that? That's a Summoned Book, it is an old Zerbst family heirloom. No one in my family knows where it came from."

More out of idleness than curiosity, Crosby opened the book and turned a few pages, and froze.

"Lugo, could you come here for a sec. I need you to put eyes on something."

"Sure sarge, what is it?"

The Delta sniper walked over to the table and looked down at the book, and let out a whistle.

"Wow, say what you will, doesn't matter if it's Earth or Helkeginia, I guess porn is a constant in any universe."

They both were looking down at a familiar pornographic magazine, bound in the leather book-binding. It gave Crosby an idea. He looked over to Saito.

"Hey kid, why not some light reading while you get cuddled?"

Sure enough, after about five minutes the glasses blinked at almost strobe-like speed, and started to smoke. Lugo spoke up.

"Um, Big Red, you might want to step back."

No sooner had Kirche stood up and taken several steps then the glasses exploded, sending Saito flying out the door of Kirche's room. Crosby ignored the redhead bemoaning her book being torn up and walked over to Saito. The teen was singed, but the glasses were gone.

"You okay?"

Before Saito could answer Crosby heard a female voice down the hall.

"There you are, you disobedient dog!"

Both of them looked up and saw Louise, her cloak missing and glaring sixteen flavors of death at her familiar and her bodyguard.

He grabbed Saito and pushed him behind him. The pinkette marched right up to Crosby, and he grabbed her elbow to stop her. She turned around and started beating on his leg with her tiny fist.

"Let me at my familiar! I want to beat that disobedient dog within an inch of his life!"

Crosby had had enough. He picked the pinkette up again, and stuffed her under his arm. He turned to Saito and tossed him a key.

"There's the key to my quarters, I suggest you lock the door and cop some Z's. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

He turned to Lugo.

"I need you to run down to the servant's quarters, where they do laundry, and bring me the dirtest sock you can find."

Lugo grinned wolfishly and Louises eyes widened with fear.

(AN: Yeah, I'm terrible, but in fairness Louise has been acting like a brat lately and it occurred to me that Crosby has been threatening to spank or discipline her but not acting on it. Well, deprive a soldier of his sleep and you will finally push him over the edge. Next chapter they will be briefly at the tavern, and also some more foreshadowing. After that should be Desert Storm. I'm know I'm being bad for teasing you as to the big reveal, but trust me, it will be worth it.)