Severus groaned loudly as he slumped into his chair and put his head between his hands. What had just happened? It was out in the open now- she knew his feelings- she knew everything.
She loved him, he was sure- yet she had run out on him. Was it… horror? He knew he was not what she wanted- he was old and worn with a bad reputation and a disgusting background that followed him around everywhere. Had he correctly interpreted what he saw in her eyes or had he just seen what he wanted to see? He waved his wand and vanished the now useless potion, feeling helpless and uncontrolled.
"get a grip" he muttered to himself, rubbing his tired eyes. "she's just one girl Severus."
But then his entire life had been destroyed by just one girl before… except Lily was never 'just' anything. She was everything; kind, warm hearted, beautiful, funny, accepting- and her smile… oh her smile… Severus smiled himself when he pictured his love beaming at him… and then she turned into Serena and his smile turned sad… another unrequited, hopeless love?
Time would tell.
Serena sat on her sofa, a glass of wine in her hand. Did that really just happen? She tried to think everything through logically. She thought back to the last time she'd had physical contact with Severus. It had been the last time she was at his house in Spinner's end yet… she had not been able to feel emotion then- she had been so full of grief for Kingsley she felt nothing. She had only begun to recover her senses after that visit… and she had sent him a letter telling him- it was after that he had ignored her.
But then… he must have acquired these feelings sometime between that letter and Kingsley's death. Including the time she had spent at his house, but then… why did he keep it to himself? Why hadn't he told her? But of course, what would she have said? After the death of her fiancé she would have been shocked that he could put such a thing on her. She would have felt guilty toward Kingsley, she would have said no to Severus and then it would have been lost forever. Did she love Severus? She wouldn't let herself see the truth- she couldn't love him- she just couldn't. She had loved Kingsley with all her strength and it had caused her the fiercest, strongest, most violent heart wrenching pain she had felt in her life: how could she ever risk such a pain again?
She shut her eyes and sighed- she had almost preferred it when she thought Severus hated her. No- that was a lie. She was just confused as to what to do and how to feel.
She knew it had been unfair on Severus- to walk out on him so abruptly. She would have to apologise.
She hardly slept that night and the next day she stayed in- not wanting to see anyone. That evening she put on a long white shirt and her best pair of jeans and checked her hair in the mirror. She thought she looked quite good- yet she didn't know why she was bothered about her looks- she had more pressing things on her mind. She put on a small pair of black heels and walked down to the dungeon, pausing outside and repeating over in her head what she had rehearsed.
Her knock was timid yet the door opened almost immediately and Severus wrenched it open, his shirt open a few buttons and sweat on his brow. She spotted a cauldron bubbling behind him.
"can I come in?" she said quietly, averting her eyes and applying occlumency from his intense gaze.
Severus moved over to the side and shut the door behind her.
"I just came to apologise for my behaviour last night," she said in a controlled, calm voice. "I should not have walked out on you, it was unfair. I am sorry for my behaviour but…I can't continue our discussion, it's pointless and it will just hurt us both."
"It's not pointless" Severus said in a smooth voice.
"It is" she said retreating. "I'm sorry for last night Severus, now I have to go."
She turned to the door and tried it, but it was locked. She span around and saw Severus with his wand out.
"let me out" she said angrily.
"no."
"let me out!" There was threat in her voice.
"tell me how you feel!"
"I can't- I don't want to, it won't make a difference!" she shouted, backing up against the door.
"it will make all the difference!"
"you don't know that! You can't do this to me Severus, let me out!"
"not until you admit it!"
"there's nothing to admit!"
"you're lying! why won't you tell the truth!"
"because I'm scared!" she screamed.
There was silence and Serena cursed herself inside for letting the truth escape. She shut her eyes briefly, banging her head lightly against the door behind her.
"I'm scared" she admitted more quietly. "I'm scared that if I let you mean something to me, then I will get hurt. The pain of loosing someone… you know how it feels…"
"I'm not going to get myself killed."
"you don't know that!" she cried. "you don't know- you're a death eater for God's sake! And if it's not death, it could be something else- what if you leave me! What if you get fed up- you-"
"I would never leave you," he said in a clear, almost threatening voice.
"then you're a fool" she whispered, trying to stop the tears welling in her eyes. "Why are you doing this to yourself? Please- choose someone else, please…"
"there's no one else" he said firmly, his eyes watching her closely.
"I've been a- I don't deserve someone like you Severus I… God I've been an idiot… Running about with a different man every week making myself look like a…"
"everybody makes mistakes" he murmured, taking a tentative step forward.
She shook her head and waved him back blindly. "I just wanted… I just wanted to mean something to someone, to have someone who I belonged to and in the end I just disgraced myself and-"
"stop talking" he commanded quietly. "Everybody. Makes. Mistakes."
"then you're making one now. I… God I've missed you unbelievably… I missed the man who slept on my sofa, I missed the man who held my hand and slept under the stars with me just so I wasn't alone… I missed the man who showed me his vulnerability just for one fleeting magical moment…" her eyes flickered down to his left forearm before gazing back into his mysterious eyes; the eyes where she felt safe and protected.
She pressed her lips together tightly, "how can you love me?"
His lips twitched into a faint smile. "I don't know how, but it's the surest about anything I've ever been in my whole dammed life. Serena… please…" He almost begged her, begged her to straighten his life out, begged her to give him something worth living for, begged her not to reject him…
"Severus if you- if you died I… I would be… I couldn't…" A tear rolled down Serena's cheek and she let her true feelings overflow her, letting them fill her up with such warmth and light. She blinked through her tears- refocusing her eyes onto the man she had always wanted. "I love you" she said through her tears, realising it herself.
Severus smiled in relief, and she smiled sadly too.
"Promise me you won't die" she begged him as he walked over to her.
"I can't promise you I won't die," he said softly, putting his hands on her waist gently. "but I can promise you I'll try my best not to."
He leant down and brushed his lips to her neck lovingly, his hands caressing her waist and pulling her closer to him. Serena shut her eyes, almost laughing at the complete shock and yet happiness she felt.
She moved a hand to Severus' cheek, her thumb drawing circles as they gazed into each others eyes and she moved his face slightly in front of hers. Then she reached up and kissed him very softly on the lips, her eyes widening as she felt a fierce fire of warmth and passion burning through her, her skin sizzling at their contact and the energy that fuelled between them as Severus deepened the kiss, pushing his body close against hers, her breasts pressing against his chest. He was like fire and ice on her skin and she could feel the muscles of his arms and chest and the pure power and strength concealed underneath his cloak.
Serena couldn't help the soft moan escaping her lips and she wanted every part of him at the same time; she ran her hands through his soft hair, across his cheek and then wrapped them around his neck, enjoying the feeling of him against her body. Severus drew back very slightly, allowing himself to look at his prize. His eyes grazed over her face hungrily- she was perfect.
"make me yours" she murmured, her eyes twinkling with passion.
Severus took her hand and pulled her through to his bedroom, shutting the door behind them and plunging them into darkness. There was no smile on his face, just a passionate glitter in his dark eyes. He couldn't think; he couldn't comprehend what was happening; all he knew was that he felt more alive than he ever had.
"do you trust me?" his silky, dangerous voice glistened through the black.
"with my life" came the seductive whisper from Serena's smiling lips.
A/N: ... finally...phew...reviews are muchly appreciated...xxx
