I admit, I've kind of gone overboard with Rise but it was just so good! We'll get past it at some point, I promise. Also, I received so many lovely reviews last chapter and I haven't had a chance to reply to them but thank you so very much to each and every one of you! And in case you missed the spinoff from the last chapter, it's called Beyond The Page, and you can find it on my profile.


Rise (Part V)

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

Kate shook her head. "Not tonight."

He replaced the journal on the nightstand, rolled over to face her. "Why not?"

"Because we've had such a good day and the next one..." she trailed off.

It had been a great day at the precinct. They'd had no case, very little paperwork, and a lot of free time. Castle had ordered pizza for lunch and the team had taken over the break room, talking and laughing and eating way too much. Gates stepped out for the afternoon to attend meetings for... something. Castle hadn't heard much beyond 'I'll be away at meetings this afternoon,' because, really, that was all he'd needed to know.

They hadn't been disruptive or misbehaving, per se, but there had been a lack of adhering to such strict levels of conduct. Add to that the freedom to steal kisses – slightly inappropriate kisses – in the break room without being admonished, and by the time they'd arrived at the loft Kate promptly found herself pinned against the door, Castle's thigh wedging its way between her legs, hands sneaking up her shirt to span the bare skin of her back.

Needless to say, it had been a fun evening.

And then, Kate had topped it off by slipping out of bed while Castle snored softly beside her, pulling on one of his button-downs, making breakfast for dinner, and serving it to Castle in bed.

Which eventually led to the discarding of said button-down and the beginning of round two.

It was now nearing eleven, but Kate had the day off tomorrow and nowhere else to be at any specific time, which meant that Castle fully intended to keep her in bed for as long as possible. Which also meant that there was no immediate need for sleep.

And despite the fact that he should be exhausted – and he was, physically – his brain was wide awake, in need of stimulation.

But reading the journal wasn't the solution, apparently.

"The next one is what?" he prompted gently bringing her thoughts back into focus.

"Probably another rough one, right? After I came back to the precinct."

Right. After she'd shown up unexpectedly, leaving him angry and full of heartache but still so desperately in love with her. After they'd (sort of) worked everything out.

But he was pretty sure he'd written to her before they straightened everything out, before they'd re-solidified their partnership.

"I think so, yeah," he murmured, rolling over again and peeking into the journal to double check. He flipped to the letter, propped himself on one elbow as he scanned the words. Yeah. It was a difficult one. In fact, he'd forgotten just how angry he'd been with her. The memories were forever ingrained but the sharp sting of the emotions had faded with time, and as he read it now, he found himself surprised at the intensity of his words.

"Yeah," Castle affirmed as he skimmed the page.

He felt Kate shift, her chest coming into contact with his back, her chin coming to rest on his shoulder. He tilted his chin to brush his lips over her temple, watched as the corners of her mouth upturned slightly.

Her eyes, however, didn't waver in their gaze, fixed intently on the open page of the journal, raw emotion strung out bare.

Dear Kate,

I have a question for you: did you really want to see me again, or did you only come find me because you had to? Because you needed those files? If I hadn't had them, would you ever have come back?

I can't help but think that was the only reason. After all, if you could be without me for three months when all I needed was you, am I really that important to you? Do my feelings matter at all? Or am I still just that guy who follows you around and is sometimes pretty helpful?

Am I ever going to have a chance with you, Kate, or are you always going to do everything you can to push me away?

"I thought you didn't want to read," Castle pointed out inquiringly, interrupting her reading.

She shrugged against him. "I didn't."

"But...?"

Kate shrugged again, nuzzled into him so her lips brushed his cheek as she spoke. "But you had it open and now I'm curious and..." she trailed off. "Sorry."

"No, no," he said quickly. "It's fine. Whatever you want."

Her hand came to rest on his waist, fingers tracing soothing patterns against the skin there, still warm and slightly damp from their earlier activities.

He'd already glanced at the letter. She'd read part of it. The words had already been absorbed and there was no way to unread them.

"We might as well."

"If you're sure."

She nodded against him, the smooth skin of her cheek brushing against the slight stubble on his. "I am."

"Okay," he acquiesced, eyes falling to the page again.

You said 'always' a few months back, you know. I remember. You looked me in the eye and said it. I thought you meant it. I thought you understood the implications, the promise you made to me when you spoke that word. I thought you understood what that word has come to mean to me, to us.

When I said it, I meant it, Kate. I didn't mean I'd disappear for three months and then show up like everything was just fine. I meant I would be there for you through everything. Because I love you.

The moment I looked up and saw you this afternoon, I couldn't decide whether to smile or cry or reject you or kiss you. I didn't think it was possible to be so hurt and upset and elated at the same time. Do you even realize you do this to me? Do you even understand that you have my heart and, along with it, the power to hurt me deeply?

You're lucky I'm so hopelessly in love with you, because if I wasn't I probably wouldn't have forgiven you so easily. I'm still angry. Believe me. But I understand that you were doing what you thought you needed to do so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one. I'm giving you a chance to do what is needed, and I'll stand by your side and do whatever I can to help you.

If you're committed to knocking down this wall, opening up your heart, then I'm committed, too. And I sincerely hope that when that wall comes down, I'm the one you're searching for.

If not, maybe it's time for us to stop speaking in subtext and just come clean about our feelings, because if there's no chance that you're ever going to return my feelings, then maybe it's time for me to move on. I don't know how I could ever manage that, how I could walk away from you and ever feel whole again, but for you I would try.

You've made me a better person, Kate, and not only do I not want to lose sight of who I am when I'm with you, but never want to go back to who I was before. I don't want to be that person again. I guess maybe it's time for me to figure out how to manage without you.

Just thinking about this, writing it down – it's bringing tears to my eyes. That's what you do to me. You bring me to tears at just the thought of not having you in my life. That's how much I love you.

I wish you remembered. I know it's not your fault, but if you knew maybe things would be different between us right now.

But things are the way they are, and there's not a lot I can do about it at the moment. The things I want to say are things you probably aren't ready to hear. So I'll wait, patiently, until you're ready. I'll keep showing up, trying to prove to you every day just how much I love you.

I'll keep pretending that things will get better, that someday we'll have our chance.

Even if that turns out to be just a fantasy, I'll always have the knowledge that loving you has made me a better man.

Love,

Rick

"I'm so sorry," she whispered as soon as she finished, caught up in the storm of emotions she'd caused him. The pain, the anguish.

She knew they'd moved past this now, but it still ate at her that she'd forced him to endure so much. Yes, it'd been his choice to wait. Yes, she'd needed to take care of some things before she was ready to be with him. They'd both understood that. But now, reading his words and feeling his pain, she wished she could've had the foresight, the ability to go about things differently. To deal with her problems without shutting him out so harshly.

"Don't be," he answered, shocking her.

"What?"

Castle rolled over to face her, shrugged, and she settled back away from him, propped herself up on one elbow. "It wasn't ideal, but it's over. We got through it."

"But still..."

"Kate," he interrupted, silencing her. "You meant well. I understand that. In your mind, the end justified the means, and maybe it hurt at the time but it got us where we needed to be, didn't it?"

"Yes, but..."

"But nothing," Castle stated, reaching up to cup her jaw. "I'm telling you right now, you don't need to beat yourself up over this."

Kate sighed, some of the tension draining from her shoulders. Maybe they shouldn't have read. Maybe they should have just put it back while they still had the chance.

But as she looked up at him, his blue eyes clear and calm, she realized maybe he was right. He clearly harbored no ill will, no residual hurt feelings from her actions; if he did, she'd be able to see it in his eyes.

Instead, there was only love.

"Okay," she agreed, the word a soft exhale. "Okay. I won't."

Castle smiled gently, corners of his mouth upturning ever so slightly. He reached behind him to put the journal away, restore the peaceful calmness that had settled over them before they read.

"And Kate?" he called softly as he settled into the pillows, head resting on his folded arm.

She blinked up at him. "Hmmm?"

"It was worth it. Every single moment of wanting you, missing you, aching for you... it was worth it, because now I have you."


Thoughts?