Advice and Trust

Chapter 10.6

Choices And Sacrifices

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Rei rolled over and stared through the wall. Major Katsuragi and Inspector Kaji were making their usual warm lightshow just on the other side of the wall. Behind them, on the far side of the apartment, her loves far greater glow throbbed and blazed, still the most glorious and reassuring sight Rei had ever known. Both pairs were gentle enough that being so close did not rub against Rei's AT-Field in any painful way. Not after a week of recovery and help from her friends, at least.

Her friends. Yes, she had to admit, Kaworu's presence and careful shaping of his AT-Field when around her had been a help too. Not quite to the level that being near Shinji and Asuka had been, but a... gentle one. A not unpleasant one. One she... did not mind being around.

She directed her eyes downward. Several floors below his unique, strange Light flickered in it's usual pattern of colors that had no name in Japanese, or any other human tongue. Her eyes narrowed a fraction. It was doing that same spark-flare beat it had done several times a day over the last week, during both the nights and the times Shinji and Asuka had been at school. He was doing the same thing again. Whatever it was, it left his Light stronger and more stable in the aftermath.

Her phone trilled once at her. Rei blinked and rolled over to reach for it. The number to her NERV-issued phone was known to only a handful of people, most of whom were in this building. The remaining people who might call her, especially at this hour of the night, was very small. Peering at the screen, Rei found it wasn't even a call. For the first time, someone had used the SMS text message system to send her a note. A few button presses brought it up.

STILL WORKING ON VOICE, BUT SMS SYSTEM NOT NEARLY AS HARD TO SPOOF. I'VE TURNED OFF THE MAGI LOGGING FOR THEM. YOU CAN TEXT BETWEEN THE PILOT'S PHONES FREELY. AS LONG AS NO ONE SEES YOU TYPE THEM, NO ONE WILL CHECK. I HOPE THIS HELPS FOR NOW. I'LL KEEP TRYING ON THE REST.

Rei let a tiny smile form. Doctor Akagi had come through. And as much as she wanted to send the first message to Shinji and Asuka, she could tell from their Lights they were... not in a state to be disturbed. And this was supposed to be so she could talk to the Fish anyhow. Fortunately, his number was already programmed into her phone as the Fifth Child. And he was definitely still awake. Rei sat up and started typing on the number pad.

DOCTOR AKAGI HAS SECURED THE SMS MESSAGE SYSTEM FOR OUR USE. WHENEVER THE CALL IS BAD, OR YOU NEED TO TALK, SEND TO ME.

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Several floors below, Kaworu jumped as his phone chirped at him. He had been in deep... contemplation, and the interruption was a small shock. He lost his grip on what he was holding and reached for the phone almost in reflex. It took him a moment to figure out the message alert, but he smiled on reading it. He began to type back.

THAT IS VERY GOOD TO HEAR, AYANAMI. I WAS JUST THINKING OF YOU.

Almost immediately he got a reply.

ARE YOU… USING THE BOX? RIGHT NOW?

"Um…" he looked down at his lap. "Yes?" he typed back.

There was a pause.

YOU STUPID FISH! YOU TOLD THEM! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! I MAY NEED TO KILL YOU. TOMORROW. IF NOT SOONER!

He looked up. Ayanami's Song was… as angry as her Light. Uh oh. He typed fast.

I PANICKED, I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE… YOU WERE…

He hit send after he spent a full minute trying to finish the sentence. He tried again.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU, AYANAMI. I TOLD THEM BECAUSE YOU TRUST THEM, AND I NEEDED… I DON'T WANT TO FEAR I'LL LISTEN TO THE CALL BECAUSE SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU. i DON'T WANT TO BE DEPENDENT ON YOU LIKE THAT, IN A WAY THAT PUTS RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN FLAW ON YOU.

A moment later he added, I DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN.

There was a longer pause.

DO NOT THINK BEING CONSIDERATE AND SWEET LIKE THAT GETS YOU OUT OF ME KILLING YOU IN THE MORNING, TROUT. I AM STILL UPSET YOU TOLD THEM. YOU ARE LUCKY THEY ARE UNDERSTANDING.

He smiled in the dim room, lit only by the single lamp near his futon that let him see what lay in his lap. Despite her words, he could already sense Ayanami's anger ebbing some after his explanation. He typed back. THEY ARE. THEY ARE WONDERFUL. THEY ARE BOTH…SO ALIVE. SO MUCH JOY IN THEM. I SEE WHY THE ME IN OTHER WORLDS COULD LOVE HIM SO EASILY. I AM AMAZED THAT I DO NOT DO THE SAME FOR THE SECOND CHILD NEARLY AS OFTEN. STRANGE.

The response was faster this time. ASUKA WAS MUCH MORE ANGRY AND HARD TO TALK TO BEFORE SHE AND SHINJI FELL IN LOVE. I DISLIKED HER, AND SHE ME. NOW SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME, AS DOES HE. PEOPLE CHANGE. LOVE IS… IT CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING.

Kaworu hesitated. DID THEY TELL YOU ANYTHING ELSE?

Long pause. WHAT DID YOU DO, STUPID FISH?

He gulped in both fear and relief. NOTHING!

Not a very long pause. Just the tell-tale prickle on his AT-Field that someone was looking at him. Or more precisely, glaring at him from four stories above. He could practically feel the back of his neck heating up.

KAWORU NAGISA, WHAT DID YOU DO?

He typed very fast. I JUST SHOWED THEM MY PICTURES OF YOU!

The glare from above intensified. YOU. WHAT?

NOT THE BOX PICTURES! THE OTHER ONES!

The glare dropped from 'imminent death' to mere 'targeting laser'. WHAT 'OTHER ONES'?

JUST… PICTURES OF YOU. AT SCHOOL. AT LUNCH. WALKING, STUDYING, SMILING. REGULAR ONES. I ASKED KENSUKE FOR THEM. HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO… THE OTHER KIND WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION.

Another long pause. GOOD.

He hesitated for a long time over the next message. But… he could not lie to her. Especially not about this.I ALSO TOLD THEM… I LIKE YOU. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Several minutes of silence. The glare disappeared.

GO TO SLEEP, RAINBOW TROUT. I'LL MOST LIKELY KILL YOU IN THE MORNING.

He let out a breath. With only slightly shaking hands he typed back, AS YOU WISH.

He put his phone down and went right back to what he'd been doing before the first message arrived, The Box open at the side of his futon. His hand stopped shaking.

In the light from the one lamp, Rei Ayanami smiled shyly up at him from the picture in his lap. The others were all safely tucked away in the box. Kaworu smiled back. It was a while before he closed The Box, put the picture under his pillow, and turned off the lamp.

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Four stories up, Rei glared at her phone one last time, and then at the glow far below her. "Stupid fish," she muttered. She put her phone away and laid back down to sleep.

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The walk to school in the morning was sunny and warm, a normal December day for Tokyo-3. The group of Pilots had left their apartment building in plenty of time to make it to school at a leisurely pace. Once they started out, however, one of their quartet dropped back very quickly.

Asuka threw another look back over her shoulder. Kaworu was still hanging a good twenty meters behind them. He smiled when Asuka made eye contact, though.

Asuka turned back to her friend. "Rei?"

"Yes."

"Why is the Rainbow Trout staying back like he's afraid you might explode?"

"Because I might kill him."

Shinji looked back at Kaworu, then back at Rei. "Er… because of...um… that Box?"

"Yes."

Asuka snorted. Shinji somewhat awkwardly patted Rei on the shoulder as they all kept walking. "Don't be too mad at him, Rei. He… didn't mean to embarrass you. He was really worried about you yesterday. He… ah… spent most of the ride down to the Geofront holding your hand and trying not to panic."

Rei frowned slightly and looked back at the grey-haired boy. "He's still a stupid fish. I told him not to tell anyone about that Box. It is… embarrassing."

Asuka cleared her throat and looked away. "I… um, it's ok, Rei. We… we appreciate that… you were really going to give Shinji and I a bunch of pictures of you er…" She waved her hands vaguely. "Er… posing?" she finished awkwardly.

Rei nodded, pinking some herself. "Yes. I wanted to show you both… that I would… not mind. If you looked at me. With… love."

"Boy, am I glad Hikari isn't walking to school with us today," Shinji said in a slightly strangled voice. "Um… thank you, Rei. I… gods, I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

Asuka made a questioning noise. Shinji rubbed the back of his head. "I… I don't believe my luck. The two most beautiful girls I've ever met both love me, I get to love them back, and trust me to… I don't know, everything: watch your backs in battle, live with them, share secrets we wouldn't tell anyone else, s-stay with you at night…"

Asuka shot a look at Rei. Rei nodded. "I would. But never… intrude."

"And…" Shinji looked nervously around. "Um… all that other stuff. Our… family matters."

"Yeah… and I could say all the exact same things," Asuka said. "Which makes it… Rei, it's unbelievably sweet that you gave that Box to the Rainbow Trout, knowing what's in it and how hard it must have been for you. He… it really helps him with the…?" She made circles in the air, pointing at her temple.

Rei nodded again. "It… keeps his mind on other things. I… have an effect on him."

Asuka laughed. "I'll say! He…" Asuka's smile shifted to a serious look. "Rei… he likes you. A lot."

Rei stared straight ahead. "I know. He told me last night. And… other times."

"Last night?" Shinji asked.

"Doctor Akagi has deactivated the MAGI monitoring of the text message function on our mobile phones. We can now communicate freely with them, so long as no one sees us use them so and wonder why there are no logs if they check. I used mine last night to… make sure the Fifth Child was aware of this, and to inform him to message me if the Call was ever bad while he was alone." Rei's lips pressed into a frown. "He proved to be… looking at the Box at the time. He did apologize for telling you both about it, but I am still somewhat angry with him."

Rei scowled. "Stupid fish! I told him not to! He doesn't listen! He's such an idiot! A brainless, hormone-addled panicky twit! I'm going to stuff those pictures up his nose when we get home from school! That idiot! Why do I even let him come near me?!"

Asuka made a choked gurgle in her throat. Then again. Then she burst into howling laughter until she had to grip her sides and wipe away tears. "Oh Gott! Ahahahaha! Yes! That's hilarious! Hahahah! Oh, Rei, you are the best! You have been learning from me, haven't you?"

Rei looked at her, puzzled. "What?"

Asuka pointed a finger at her, smirking widely. "You, my dear First Child, sound exactly like I used to about this baka right here!" She gently poked her other hand at Shinji's cheek. "And I know now what it meant when I did that!" She blew Shinji a kiss with a wink.

Rei pouted, and turned her head back to face forward. "I… do not sound like that."

"Just saying…" Asuka giggled some more.

Rei just grumbled.

Shinji and Asuka waited. "So…" they said in stereo.

Rei's head sank slightly. "So?"

"Rei, he showed us stuff yesterday… he's serious. He… wants to ask you out," Asuka said. "I mean… right before you passed out yesterday, you even said he had, and you were… considering it?"

"I have," Rei said very quietly.

She could feel the stares from her friends. "I… Commander Ikari and… the others… think us enemies. That I am only able to tolerate the Fifth Child thanks to the increased dosage of drugs Commander Ikari believes I am still taking. We… if we do any more than merely get along in public, too many eyes would see," she said, almost tonelessly.

Shinji and Asuka looked at each other for a moment. "But… do you want to, Rei?" Shinji asked.

"I… cannot," Rei said hints of fear in her voice. "If… if the Commander or… others found we were… not enemies, they would not… tolerate it. They would kill him, or me, or all of us." Her voice dropped to little more than a whisper. "...I don't want him to die."

Silence broken only by their footsteps reigned for a while. Shinji and Asuka exchanged another glance, this one with more fear in it. They both looked back at Kaworu, who noticed their paled faces, and started walking faster to catch up.

"Rei… why… why would the sight of you two being... friends cause that? What is so bad about you and he-"

"Asuka, please!" Rei burst out. "It… it hurts enough already!"

"What hurts? Are you alright, Ayanami?" Kaworu said, reaching them.

Rei did not appear to hear him. "If I so much as smile at him, Asuka, it could… doom us all. I cannot."

A tense silence hung over the group.

Shinji finally broke it. "But do you want to?" he asked quietly.

Rei stopped walking and turned to face them. She locked eyes with Shinji, resolutely refusing to look at Kaworu. "He is my friend. We share more of our pasts than I ever could have expected. And he has… never given me reason to doubt he wants to help us all, no matter… no matter the cost to himself. He is patient, kind, selfless, braver than he thinks he is, and…. and… he is just like me. I have considered it, Shinji. And I hate that I cannot say yes."

Rei shot one wounded look at Kaworu, then spun on her heel and sped off towards the school in a walk so fast it was practically a run. She did not look back.

"Who was she talking about?" Kaworu said, breaking Shinji and Asuka out of their shocked stillness.

Asuka numbly shook her head. "I… Rainbow Trout, you are a giant ball of trouble. But you may be good enough for our Rei after all."

"Huh?"

Asuka turned to face him, taking Shinji's hand as she did. "And you are going to tell us everything after the next one, Trout. I won't stand for watching Rei hurt like this any longer than that."

Kaworu blinked. A look of understanding blossomed on his face. "Ah. Yes. I will. We will. I promise. We… we both are going to need your support when that happens. And I am… I do not like seeing her like this either. Is… there anything I can do? Wait… she wasn't talking about me, was she?"

Asuka turned back towards the school and started walking again, Shinji in step right beside her. "Heel, Trout. We're not there yet."

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Not fifteen minutes into the morning lecture, Rei's laptop pinged as a private message arrived.

A. Soryu: Rei?

R. Ayanami: I do not want to talk about it.

A. Soryu: ...later?

R. Ayanami: Maybe.

A. Soryu: Ok. Just message me or Shinji if you need. You know we… care.

R. Ayanami: Yes. Thank you.

Rei returned to staring out the window, making a good imitation of her old habit. It attracted no attention, and helpfully kept her eyes pointed well away from the Fifth Child. She could hear her loves typing quietly but steadily away at their own laptops, with several glances thrown at Rei. She knew they were discussing her, Kaworu, and what she'd just said. She could feel the worry and care for her pouring off them. It was the sole comforting facet of her morning. For the first time in a long time, Rei wished she was not sitting there next to them. She suddenly wanted to… just run. Flee. Be somewhere else. Be somewhere… not here, where she could feel him looking at-

Her computer pinged quietly again. Another private message. She flicked a look at her screen.

It was him. Of course it was him.

K. Nagisa: Ayanami-san, are you alright? You look… disturbed. Unhappy. I… I apologize again for… telling them.

Rei frowned. She glanced at him briefly, across the room. He was staring at her with a worried, pleading look. She typed out a brief reply.

R. Ayanami: It is not about that, Kaworu. Do not ask what it is, I do not want to talk about it.

After a moment, she got a reply.

K. Nagisa: Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

R. Ayanami: I said I do not want to talk about it.

K. Nagisa: I feel responsible. Were you talking about me before you… left the group this morning?

R. Ayanami: What part of 'I do not want to talk about it' was unclear?

She could feel him flinch from across the room, his Light flickering even as she looked away. She gave him a brief, apologetic look.

R. Ayanami: I apologize. That was needlessly harsh. Not here, not now.

K. Nagisa: ….later?

R. Ayanami: Maybe.

K. Nagisa: Lunchtime?

Rei just turned away and stared out the window again. Stupid Fish… why did he have to make everything so difficult?

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The bell ringing for lunch was no sound of freedom. She could feel him staring at her as they all gathered their lunches and headed up to the roof.

Rei waved Shinji, Asuka, and the others past as they went up the last narrow staircase to the roof door. Kaworu looked at her hopefully as he reached her.

"You need to sit on the far side of the circle from me, Kaworu. We must uphold the appearance we are not friends. Understand?"

His face fell, and he slowly nodded. He turned to head up the stairs with a sad look.

She caught his shoulder forcing him to face her again. He blinked.

Rei carefully met his eyes. "That is not true, though. We are. For life. For hope. Remember that."

His Light flared into a brilliant, colorful display, as wild and elegant as much it was still strange to her, a gorgeous smile breaking out on his face. "Yes," he said, "we are. Thank you."

"I am still mad at you for telling them about the Box. But we will discuss this morning later. Perhaps this afternoon. Not here, though."

"As you wish."

Rei firmly held tight control of her Light, refusing to let it change, and stared right at him. "Get up to the roof, Rainbow Trout," she said evenly.

He smiled wider as he turned back and headed up the stairs, his steps lighter than before.

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"Knock knock. Can I come in and pester you for a bit?"

Ritsuko looked up from her computer, peering at her old friend over the top of her glasses. "'Come in and pester me'? Would saying 'no' do any good? It's never stopped you before."

Major Katsuragi gave her a half-smile from where she leaned against the doorframe of Ritsuko's office. "True, but it felt polite to ask. I've been trying to catch you here for a talk for days, but you're never in. Always down in your lab with Lieutenant Ibuki?" Misato raised an eyebrow.

A small bolt of mixed embarrassment and fear shot through her. A blush wanted to heat her face as precisely what she and Maya spent a lot of time down there doing, and terror that Misato even obliquely mentioned it in here. "We're doing what we can to recover from the sabotage those moles inflicted," she said, keeping her face blank.

"Mmm, yes, the sabotage I'm not even cleared for the details on," Misato grumbled. She pushed off the doorframe and walked inside, settling into one of the chairs facing Ritsuko's desk. She swept a look over the piles of papers that nearly created a continuous wall around Ritsuko's monitor. "Almost half as much as is on my desk, I see."

"So why don't you go back there and do some of it?" Ritsuko said, giving her a flat look. "Like I said, we are busy. The recovery is on top of the special projects we were working on before that, some of them personally directed by the Commander."

"Because we haven't spent enough time together in the last couple months, and I wanted to catch up," Misato said smoothly. "I was impressed by the thoroughness and attention to detail in those treatment notes you gave me for Rei's recovery from the Angel, and wanted to thank you. Plus, you and I have a lot more to talk about than we can squeeze into a day on the clock. All that non-work related stuff. You know, like we used to do?"

Ritsuko's fingers only froze for half a second on the keyboard. 'Translation: She wants to talk to me about that note I slipped into the medical bullshit, and discuss all the things implied in there, like what the Hell I'm doing helping Rei, countering the Commander's orders, and oh yeah, that whole 'part of a plot to end the world' thing she probably knows at least something about thanks to Kaji, plus whatever Rei's told her.'

"Just like the old days, yes," she said, thinking furiously. "We really should catch up. I liked the last time we went out for drinks. It was a break Lieutenant Ibuki and I needed, and we got to dress up a little. A girl likes to feel fancy sometimes."

Misato smiled. "Well, good. I'm thinking of a little get-together Christmas Eve at my place. Invite that assistant of yours, I'll see about getting Lieutenant Hyuga and some of the Ops people along, and we'll make a nice NERV off-duty party out of it. Just like my promotion party, eh?"

Misato's serious gaze belied her lighthearted tone and words. Ritsuko nodded. 'Message received. We're going to have a talk about a lot of things, then.´ "That sounds fine, assuming we don't have an Angel crashing the party."

Misato snorted. "No Angel better get between me and my beer at one of my parties. I'll throw them out the window like I did with that grabby frat boy that one time. Remember that? Ha!"

'No Angels crashing the party? Misato, if you only knew what the Fifth Child is…' That was one piece of information she wasn't going to reveal, not just because Rei had asked her not to. Ritsuko worried that Misato's response to learning there was an Angel right under her nose might end up with someone dead very quickly. "Try to control yourself. You're a theoretically responsible adult woman now, with a bunch of Children to watch out for."

"I am a model of sober responsibility!" Misato declared, turning to leave with a jaunty wave. "See you then, Rits."

"'Sober', right." Ritsuko sighed and got back to work, but half her mind was now rapidly sifting through what she needed to tell Misato, and what she could.

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"Is now 'later'?"

Rei found the energy to lightly scowl at the Fifth Child. "No, it is not, stupid fish. This is far too public."

Kaworu looked around at the public street they were walking down towards their apartment building. A street that was empty but for the four Children. "Ah. Public."

Rei glanced at Shinji and Asuka, walking a few meters ahead of them, holding hands. She looked back at Kaworu, her scowl deeper. "Oh, shut up. How many Section 2 or SEELE eyes are watching us right now?" she said, her voice low.

"There are three separate sniper teams watching us, in addition to the Section 2 distant perimeter. Well, watching me, at least. They are not aiming at you," Kaworu replied, his tone oddly light for the information.

"You should not sound so happy about that," Rei groused. "I do not want any of us to die, and that includes you, Rainbow Trout."

Kaworu shrugged. "I am happy they are not aiming at any of you. And I would not let them harm you or Shinji and Asuka in any case. Even if I had to… reveal myself."

Rei stared at him for a moment. "Do… do not do that if there is any other way, Kaworu. That would be difficult to explain away."

"I will if I have to. I know how much they mean to you. They are almost as much to me. I see and hear so much joy from them, from their bond… I will not let SEELE harm them." He looked at Rei. "Between them and you, I hope than I expected that we can find a way through this."

Rei nodded. "Good. We are all making it through this alive, Kaworu. You are my friend."

His smile widened a hair. "I'm glad."

"Oy, come on you two, not so much whispering sweet nothings to each other!" Asuka called back to them. The happy couple had pulled further ahead as Rei and Kaworu slowed a bit. "We've got music to play and homework to ignore!"

"Yes, Asuka," Rei gave a tiny smile as they caught up.

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Rei nearly shivered in relief when the door to her apartment closed behind her. "I dislike this intensely," she said wearily.

"Having to hide everything?" Shinji asked.

Rei nodded. She put her schoolbag down on the kitchen table and retrieved her viola case from her bedroom. She gave Shinji a wan smile. "It was watching the contrast between how Commander Ikari acts, all manipulation and lies, and how you both act towards each other, with tireless honesty and openness that taught me so much. He is cold, painful to be around. You two are light, warmth, love. I want that. So..."

Rei looked at Kaworu, then back to Shinji and Asuka. "I wish I had the freedom to be... like you. I want all of us to have that freedom. When I said I hate that I cannot say 'yes' this morning, I meant it."

"Is this... 'later'?" Kaworu asked.

"Yes, Rainbow Trout, it is," Rei said, rolling her eyes. "I do not like not being able to be honest with all of you, but... it is dangerous. So I will endure it."

"You were talking about me, this morning, weren't you?" Kaworu asked slowly.

Rei nodded. "You and I are... we cannot lie to each other. This is... more than I ever expected, Kaworu. It provides hope. But while the world watches, we cannot... even show friendship."

Kaworu smiled anyhow. "I know you are, and that is enough for now."

"It shouldn't have to be!" Asuka and Rei said in stereo. They looked at each other, blinking in surprise.

Asuka turned to her boyfriend. "Shinji, what was that thing you said Misato told you, back when?"

"Um... 'Nothing will change unless you take that first step forward'?"

Asuka spun back to Rei. "Right! Even a little step forward counts!"

"Or backwards," Shinji said with a small smile.

"Eh?" Kaworu said, confused.

"The night we first kissed, I was shuffling backwards while we were... preoccupied. I tripped, and we fell over onto one of the beanbags, Asuka on top of me. We didn't get up again until Misato-san and Kaji-san came home. We talked for a while. It was a good trip."

"I am not about to trip and fall on the Rainbow Trout right now for a number of reasons," Rei said tartly. "However, I still wish I had the freedom to do so. It is painful enough that we cannot yet be fully honest with you two. That I cannot even show friendship to Kaworu is... another irritant. He deserves better than my public indifference or hostility."

Rei frowned at him. "Even if I am still annoyed with him right now."

Kaworu ducked his head guiltily.

"Rei, you know you can tell us anything," Shinji said. Asuka nodded beside him.

"I know," Rei said, her small smile returning. "And I love you both for it. But I do not want to put you in additional danger."

"Rei, we have heard enough from Shinji's mother that I think we're already there," Asuka pointed out.

Rei shook her head. "Not like this. I am... scared to tell you. Please?" She looked at them both, pleading.

Shinji stepped over to her and gave Rei a hug. Asuka suppressed an amused snort at the surprised blush on Rei's face. When Shinji pulled away, he looked at Rei and smiled. "Rei, if that's what you need, that's what we'll do. We trust you. We just want to help, since we can see you're in pain. Remember the day we met? Just like that. I... we'll always help you."

Rei smiled sadly. "Thank you, Shinji." She glanced at Kaworu, noting his aching look at the Third Child. "Shinji, I have a request."

"Anything we can do, Rei."

"Could you please hug Kaworu as well?"

"...huh?"

"He has no memories past 6 months ago. No memories of anyone caring for him. In his life that he can remember, only I have ever so much as given him a hug. He... greatly admires you, Shinji. Before SEELE sent him here, they had him study you. He came to like you, and was eager to meet you when he came," Rei said.

Shinji looked surprised, and looked toward Kaworu, who nodded hesitantly. "I... I guess? He admires me? Who'd want to-"

"You're a lot more well-liked than you think, baka mine," Asuka said, dryly amused. "People you never suspect like you. Idiot." Asuka crossed her arms and grumbled. "Everybody wants my boyfriend... of course."

Shinji hesitated. "Uh... is it ok, Asuka? I mean, Rei is a special case, but we... I hardly know Kaworu as well, and-"

"Oh, don't be so Japanese, Shinji," Asuka said. "Give the poor Regenbogenforelle [Rainbow Trout] a hug. Then get back here and give me one, since you're still mine."

Shinji smiled at her for a second, then turned to Kaworu. With a brief shrug, he raised his arms and carefully put them around the Fifth Child.

Kaworu shivered, and his arms came up to hug Shinji back. His embrace was almost desperately tight. He let out a small sound, a mix of a hiccup and a sob, before letting go. "Th-thank you, Shinji-kun. I... that was a gift."

Asuka grinned as she took Shinji's hand and pulled him back to her. "You like that 'gift', Regenbogenforelle, Christmas is going to blow your mind." She wrapped herself around Shinji and kissed his cheek.

"Christmas?" Kaworu asked vaguely, his eyes far away.

Asuka's grin got wider. "Oh, this is too perfect. Yes, Christmas. Big holiday where you give gifts to family and special people in your life. Though I think Japan has made it all weird, with obligatory gifts at work or stuff." She nuzzled Shinji's neck. "Japan still does Christmas parties, though, doesn't it?"

Shinji nodded. "Uh, yeah. I've never gotten to go to one before, though."

"Me either," Rei agreed. Kaworu nodded as well.

Asuka looked at each of them in dismay. "You know something? I am really glad Hikari is a Pilot too, or I'd be incredibly worried I was the only normal one."

Rei eyed the still silent and motionless Fifth Child. She reached up and tugged on his shoulder. "I think today we need to have our private conversation before we begin playing our instruments. Please excuse us. Come, Kaworu."

Kaworu numbly nodded, and followed Rei into her bedroom.

Once the door closed, Kaworu slapped both hands over his mouth and did his best to stifle a sob. "So good... so good... I... his Light was so warm... He was truly concerned for me. That was... everything I imagined, Ayanami. Thank you for... requesting that. He is..." Tears rolled down Kaworu's face. "He is always so... so kind to me. Even when I ask him to kill me." He scrubbed at his face. "The two of them... the Song is so beautiful. I will not... I will not let myself hurt them."

"I still refuse to kill you as long as there is any hope, Kaworu," Rei said.

"I know, I know," he replied, wiping the last of his tears away. "I would not disappoint you like that, Ayanami. You have truly given me so much hope." He closed his eyes for a moment, composing himself. "There are... a few worlds where I do not die. A few. It is hope and love that saves me in them. I think I will meditate on them, both to see if there are any lessons I can draw from them I could bend to making sure I survive here, and to remind me there is always hope."

"Hope," Rei echoed. "Mmm... I would like to underline first that I am still irritated with you about the Box, but... I think there is something I am ready to tell you. About what I remembered."

"About w-" Kaworu's gaze sharpened. "Ah."

"What do you remember about being him? Adam? Anything?"

"No. I know what I am, and what I need-" He shook his head. "No... what I am supposed to do about the Call, but it is just... awareness. Not conscious recall of memories," Kaworu said.

"So you are not him. Not in the sense of any real continuity of identity, correct?" Rei asked.

"Yes."

"I am... not her either. But I remember what she remembered."

Kaworu looked at her hard, almost hungrily. "You said you... remembered what happened, why we are different, why the Seeds were sent out, and why we ended up here in this situation... you are... ready to tell me now?"

Rei closed her eyes. "Yes."

She began.

.


.

"We were the first. There were no others. Their sky was more crowded, so I conclude they lived somewhere deeper in the galaxy. But they were alone. No radio signals, no signs of life, nothing else in their skies. So they turned inward. They developed metaphysical science as much as the physical. They even created the ultimate power source, a limitless font of power they could even miniaturize and integrate into living tissue…" Rei reached up and brushed her fingertips across his throat, lighter than a feather's touch.

Kaworu closed his eyes and bit down on a frisson of sensation. "The…. the Fruit of Life," he said hoarsely after a moment. "That was what did it, wasn't it?"

Rei nodded. Her distant, clinical tone darkened. "It destroyed them. A species born mortal suddenly granted immortality, an end to scarcity and need… could not divorce itself from the old drives and neuroses. By the time the wars stopped from exhaustion and devastation, both our planet and our star were wrecked and dying. 30 billion ghosts watched over fewer than a million survivors."

She shook her head. "'Our'. I am not her. But when I remember her thoughts, her sights, it becomes harder to maintain that separation. Forgive me if my pronouns are going to be muddled." She sighed, and resumed. "Yo- He gathered the survivors. He came up with the idea to build the seven Seeds, amalgamate our souls into seven groups to fill them, watched over by seven volunteers. Volunteers who would accept being transformed in body and mind, their souls altered to become Progenitors, to steer the Seeds to new worlds and seed them with life, so that our civilization and intelligent life would not vanish completely from the galaxy. But an argument about whether we should keep the Fruit of Life began to… divide everything. It was the ultimate achievement of our civilization, but it was also the curse that had destroyed it. The fight threatened to split the survivors and doom the whole project. We were so few that it could not be done without all the survivors working together."

"I could not let that happen. You had given us hope, a way to salvage something from the end of everything. Watching the spiraling argument start to crush your smile… I… It was my idea to split us into two types, with and without the Fruit of Life. Those with it would be barely sapient, allowed to grow into the light of intelligence with the Fruit always a part of them, so they would escape the need to compete and consume that had poisoned us. Those without would be like we were before the Fruit, with their Seeds aimed for worlds that lacked the critical resources to create miniaturized Fruits, so they would have to develop spaceflight before they could possibly endanger themselves like we did. It was hoped that the two types would be more mature than we were before they met and shared their separate legacies. The Seeds were meant to… plant us on a new world, no matter the obstacles. The Call, the Progenitor's imperative to make sure this took place was made all-consuming. Stronger than conscious thought, an inherent part of the process that transformed us. The Lance Asuka used on Arael was part of the safety system, meant to shut one of us down if two Progenitors arrived on one candidate world."

"So what went wrong?" Kaworu asked, sinking slowly to the floor next to her futon. "If… I'm not supposed to be here. I… this is all my fault, isn't it? This is why you wouldn't tell me before. You didn't want me to feel even more guilt over what I'd do-"

"No," Rei cut him off. She sank onto her futon too, but could not meet his eyes. "Not your fault. Mine. I mean hers. I… grrrrh." Rei put her hands to her temples. "She… liked him. Had a crush on him. Something. But she was… shy. She thought things were too close to the edge, that saving our people took priority over starting some fumbling attempt at romance at the end of the world. In actuality, I think she was just... afraid. So she never said anything. Just watched him, for that smile that always gave them all hope." Rei sighed in frustration. "She was an idiot. She did not learn until after she had been transformed, and literally moments before they launched the Seeds, that he had been… the same. About her. They had mutually been silent out of fear, afraid to even show each other anything. So it was that thought, that melancholy, which consumed Lilith's mind when she went into the mostly-passive hibernation from which she was supposed to steer the Black Moon across space to a new star. When she awoke, she saw… his White Moon already making planetfall here. She had unconsciously followed him. But two Seeds could not occupy one world. The Call would drive two Progenitors to compete against each other to destruction. Her following had upset every plan they'd made. This world had plenty of materials to make Fruits of Life. It could endanger everything. Lilith's distress caused her to fumble the landing. Her Lance was destroyed. So Adam's Lance activated and put him back into hibernation until the Katsuragi Expedition woke him up. Second Impact resulted. And now we are here."

Kaworu stared at her. "I… She…" He lapsed into silence.

Rei waited, finally able to look him in the face after a few minutes more.

Eventually, Kaworu sighed as well. "This is… a lot to process, Ayanami. I… so it is by the grace of SEELE's hubristic ambition that I am half-Lilim, and thus able to think and communicate with you despite opposing Calls? That we have a chance to stop this because of that?" He gave her a weak smile.

That smile. His.

Rei felt her head almost physically snap back in recognition. "You…"

Kaworu continued without noticing her interruption, his eyes far off. "You were right, you were giving me hope back. And it is… We have this chance because SEELE thought they could use me, use us all to make themselves gods. That's… almost funny."

Rei waited. Kaworu just continued to stare into space, that smile on his lips. "You're not going to say anything about her... being stupid?" she said at last.

He shook his head, that smile turning to face her. "No. I… if what you say is true, he was as much to blame for that as she was. Either one of them could have said something. That is one way I know for sure you are not her, nor I he. We do not… lie to each other or ourselves that way. You know I like you, Ayanami. And you gave me hope when all I could see was death. I will never… be silent with you."

He gestured towards the door and the rest of the apartment. "I know you love them. I can see it all over your Light, hear it in your Song, fractured though it is. You are not her, mutely crushing on him. I am not him, to be so lucky. But… you've made me truly believe there is a path that does not require my death. Because we are friends. If despite everything, ancient catastrophes, the Call, SEELE's conspiracies, you and I can defy it all and be… what we are for each other, then maybe there is nothing we cannot do."

Rei stared at him like she was trying to drill through to the back of his skull. "That's it? I tell you about the hubris, tragedy, and sheer stupidity on both a societal and personal scale that has led us to stand at the brink of another apocalypse, and you… talk about love and friendship?!" she exclaimed. "You… you… stupid fish!"

"If it makes you feel better, I am trying to suppress the urge to scream, panic, and sob and the urge to shout in joy, hope, and um… hug and kiss you and stu…" He turned a little red. "So, focusing on the fact this fills me with hope and confidence that we can truly beat the Call and everything… is probably better."

He swallowed. "What… what you said this morning, how you hate that you cannot say 'yes'... does that mean if there was no SEELE, no NERV… if we were not what we are, if we were just Rei and Kaworu… you would say yes?" His voice dwindled as he spoke, ending on a near squeak of nervousness.

"I tell you about the fall of an ancient and advanced civilization, the root of all our woes here on this planet, and that is what you want to know?"

Kaworu's face was still slightly flushed, but his gaze was disconcertingly steady. "Because that's what's important to me to know, Ayanami. Ancient civilizations and tragedies I'll contemplate all night, I'm sure, but right now, what I can affect, and what I… really want to know is… what you'd say."

Rei looked away at the window out over the balcony, the far wall, the door, anywhere but at him. "I… I would… I love them. I know this. You know this. I can't… we shouldn't… I…" Rei closed her eyes. "...yes. I would say yes. I want to say yes. I want us to be free to say it."

Rei almost jumped into the air from kneeling on her futon as she felt Kaworu hesitantly take her hand.

"Thank you. We are not inherent enemies. We are not beholden to ancient programming or conspiracies or lies. We are friends who like each other because we choose to be," Kaworu smiled. "Like you told me: There is always choice. I am the Angel of Free Will. I choose… this," he said, gently squeezing her hand.

He released her hand, stood up, and then looked slightly awkward when he immediately offered her his hand again to help her up. "Shall we go make music with our friends?"

"Idiot."

She took his hand anyway, and rose.

.


.

"Shinji-kun, could you… give me some advice?"

"Um, sure? If I can offer anything useful?" Shinji had wondered why Kaworu had been jittering so much when he asked Asuka to go on ahead with Rei on their walk to school this morning, pleading the need to have some 'guys' talk' with Shinji. Though Shinji found the idea of anyone asking him for advice as a guy to be somewhere between laughable and mystifying.

"I have no family to give ah… Christmas gifts to, but Miss Soryu mentioned 'special people in your life'. Would it be appropriate for me to give a gift to Ayanami?"

Shinji tried not so smile too widely. "Yes, of course. Asuka and I are too. Rei is very special to all of us."

Kaworu looked both reassured and more worried at the same time. "Ah, good. I um… thought so, but wanted to check. Which leads to the part I wanted help with." At Shinji's questioning look, Kaworu gulped. "I have absolutely no idea what to get her. Your example of a concerto for Miss Soryu's birthday seemed to be brilliant and impressive, so I thought I would ask you, since you have known Ayanami longer."

Shinji blushed and looked away. "I uh… I had kind of a special motivation with Asuka. I'd never had a um… girlfriend before, and I knew Asuka hadn't had a good birthday in years, so I went a bit overboard on that. You don't have to write Rei a piece of music or anything. I don't think she's ever gotten Christmas gifts before, so I think she'll be happy with anything from us at all."

"But I want to impress her too, just like that! You made Miss Soryu just… her Song was so beautiful! She just lit up! I want to make Ayanami that happy!" Kaworu exclaimed. "But as I have said, I…. can't do that. Nothing like what you do."

"Ummm… I really don't think the few days left before Christmas are enough time for me to write another-"

Kaworu shook his head. "No, no, not like that! I wouldn't ask you to do that much and then call it a gift from me! I… gah, if only I had your ability! I want to make her happy, music seemed like a good way, but I can't write my own!"

Shinji blinked as a thought struck him. "Well, yeah, there's no time to write a whole new piece in the next couple days, but if you want to make a personalized gift of music, maybe you could make her a mix tape?"

"A what?"

"You take existing songs from various sources and arrange them on a tape yourself. The choice of songs and order can be a way to convey specific feelings or even make something like a tone poem. I used to play one I made myself on my SDAT all the time, which is what made me think of it."

Kaworu blinked, then lit up like the sun rising. "Take… existing songs… I can do that. I can do that!" He grabbed Shinji and hugged him. "That's it! That's it! I can do that! Thank you, Shinji-kun! Thank you!"

"Um… what can I say, except 'you're welcome'?"

.


.

Misato smirked and saluted Lieutenant Hyuga with her can of beer as he turned to leave with Lieutenant Satsuki Ooi. She'd been unsure how to deal with her subordinate's noticeable sadness at her rekindled relationship with Kaji. Once it became too apparent that Misato was no longer a single woman for him to crush on, he'd been rather down. But an honest talk with him on the balcony during the party and mentioning that Ooi had long been interested in him had brightened his day considerably. He'd been a great help to Misato's growing little counter-NERV/SEELE cabal, digging into files they were restricted from and going well above and beyond the rules for her. It felt good not to let him be stuck thinking he'd been friendzoned out of some 'nice guys finish last' misunderstanding. Truth be told, if she had been a single woman, Misato would have considered him. He was smart and cute.

It was late into the party already. The sounds of the matching teenagers' party in Rei's apartment had mostly faded to silence. Hyuga and Satsuki were the next to last guests to leave, with just Kaji, her, Ritsuko, and Lieutenant Ibuki still in the apartment, the detritus of a cheery NERV workers Christmas party still all around. Misato had kept things lively, a beer in hand at all times. She took a sip off the current one.

"You're not fooling anyone, Misato," Ritsuko said from her spot at the kotatsu in the living room. "That's only the fourth beer I've seen you have all evening, and I know that little won't affect you at all."

Misato turned around, her smirk fading into a more serious, slightly grim smile. "Still as sharp as ever, Rits. Yeah, that was camouflage. Party's over. Now we get down to business. All the prying eyes are gone." Misato's smirk returned and she pointed at the young woman seated next to her old college roommate. "That means, among other things, you are now safe to lean against your girlfriend like you've been wanting to all evening, Lieutenant Ibuki."

The slender young woman let out an embarrassed "Meep!" and blushed, but did as Misato had suggested, a contented smile spreading on her face. Ritsuko colored some herself. "Misato, you are such a teasing bitch sometimes."

"Gotta get my laughs somewhere," Misato said, chuckling. "It's hard to get as much a reaction out of Shinji and Asuka these days. Well, Asuka, anyhow. Shinji's still a bit susceptible, but Asuka doesn't give a damn. Hell, she revels in it, flaunting her boyfriend."

Ritsuko shook her head. "I still can't believe those two are a couple. Them working together for the synch training to beat the Seventh Angel is one thing, but a real pair?"

"And then sneaking it all past us all for months, apparently," Misato acknowledged. "Then again, I could say the same 'I can't believe they're a couple' about you two as well."

Ritsuko looked down and toyed aimlessly with her own beer can. "Thank you for... not saying anything, Misato. And things like this. It's not like Maya and I can just go out like a normal couple, not without some kind of smokescreen like this."

Misato nodded. She sat down at the kotatsu herself, right next to Kaji, who merely shifted to let her comfortably nestle in beside him. "You're welcome, but you also know I'm not doing this just as a favor to an old roomie. When I mentioned I could see you two were a thing, you acted like your lives were in danger. Don't tell me Maya's family disapproving is what had you worried. You looked like you were afraid someone was about to come through the door with a gun. And then you pass me that note about you actively hiding things about Rei's treatment from Commander Ikari? Time to talk, Rits. What's going on here?"

Maya paled, and nervously looked from Misato to Ritsuko and back. Ritsuko's mouth tightened, and she nodded jerkily. "The... the truth is... I was... I am Commander Ikari's... mistress. Not that I want to be anymore. But if he gets the idea I'm not on his string anymore, I... know too much for him to just let me walk away from him. So if anyone finds out Maya and I are are together... yes, our lives will be in danger. As for the rest... I can't tell you everything. Some of it's too dangerous, and some of it's not my secret to tell. The First Child has asked me to... let her be the one to explain some key parts, after the next Angel."

"Funny, she's asked the same of us," Misato said dryly. "Shinji and Asuka vouch for her sincerity, and given how close they are, we accept it. You're lucky we all trust Rei enough not to press her. I'm still not sure I should let you hold back too. I haven't forgotten or forgiven the things we know you did to Rei with all those drugs. And there's a lot more we already know, Ritsuko. The Angel in the basement of the Geofront is only the start, isn't it?"

Ritsuko shifted uneasily in her seat. "Misato, I... yes, there's a lot. And if you know that much, you know how deadly serious some of these secrets are. Which should give you some notion of how much worse the stuff we're still holding back is."

"R-Ritsuko has... told me everything, Major," Maya spoke up nervously. "A-as a backup. If anything... happens to her." She worriedly clutched at Ritsuko's hand, lacing their fingers together. "But nothing is going to. Because she's going to be careful, right?" she addressed her lover.

Misato raised an eyebrow at Ritsuko. "You can't tell us, but you told her everything?"

Ritsuko looked down again for a moment before she could raise her eyes to meet Misato's again. "Yes, I had to. I... I've done terrible things, Misato. To Rei, for him... I'll be lucky if they don't hang me when this is all over, if any of us are still alive. I spent a long, long time deluding myself that what I was doing was justified, that it would all be worth it, even the things I knew were wrong, if I could... get what I wanted. When I couldn't keep up that delusion up any longer, I... got low. Really low. I nearly..." Ritsuko took a deep breath. "If I hadn't called Rei that night, and if she hadn't answered, we might not be here to have this conversation, alright? And Rei is the one that told me to... confess to Maya. In all senses. Because I really, really needed to. Maya accepted me, and... well, now I owe Rei more than I can ever repay. Rei forgave me... pretty much everything, as long as I work to make up for it. So yes, I am concealing things from the Commander about what she's doing, what she's feeling, and... I'm on her side now. Not the Commander's."

"Which is also not SEELE's," Kaji said quietly.

Ritsuko blanched when he said the name, and jerked a look at Kaji. "Y-Yes. Not theirs either. The Commander's Scenario is... parallel with theirs up until near the end, but... I think they're aware he's not following their script anymore."

"Is that why they sabotaged the Dummy Plug plant?" Kaji asked.

Ritsuko and Maya both twitched. "Ah... yes," Ritsuko said after a moment. "It crippled our ability to make any more, and was a warning. They'd ordered him to shut it down months ago. The attack was meant to show that not only did they know he'd disobeyed, but they could strike at us whenever they wanted."

"I'm not surprised he brought me back in to hunt for any more of SEELE's agents, then," Kaji rumbled. "I'm good at this and know enough to dig in the right places and ask the right questions, but also not part of his inner circle. I'm expendable. SEELE already probably wants me dead anyhow."

Misato elbowed him. "Not to me, you're not. You be twice as careful as Ritsuko, you hear me? You owe me years."

"Yes, dear."

Misato refocused on Ritsuko. "We're all already waist-deep in a vast conspiracy between SEELE and NERV, both of them are actually working on plans to end the world on their own terms, and just knowing that is enough for us to be at risk of getting killed or 'disappeared'. You're telling me there's worse? I'm not 'Miss Groundbreaking Pioneer in AI and Metaphysical Biology Research' the way you are, Rits, but I'm not stupid either. There's a limited number of things that could possibly be worse than all that, and I'm going to be working on what."

Ritsuko looked pained. "Misato, I literally owe Rei my life, my sanity, my relationship with someone who actually loves me, and whatever hope I have of any redemption in the future. If she wants me to let her be the one to tell you everything, I'm going to honor that."

"After the next Angel," Kaji said. "Why?"

"You'll understand when she tells you," Ritsuko said sadly.

"I'm getting just a little tired of that phrase," Misato grumbled. "I'm almost wishing the next Angel would come tomorrow, just to get this over with."

"I'm sorry. Please believe me, Misato, I really do want to... to earn Rei's forgiveness for what I've done. Yours too," Ritsuko pleaded.

"I thought Rei had already forgiven you?"

Ritsuko smiled sadly. "She has. Doesn't mean I feel I've earned it. But it lets me go on."

Maya kissed her cheek. "We'll make it, Ritsuko. I love you. Always remember that."

Ritsuko's smile got marginally less shaky.

Misato sighed and rolled her head around on her neck until it popped. "Fine. The next Angel. We're going to have another little talk after Rei tells us... whatever it is that's got her so twisted in knots these days. What the fuck did NERV do to her and Nagisa, Rits?"

Ritsuko shook her head again. "Trust me, Misato. Once you know, you'll wish you hadn't asked."

"Merry Christmas to all..." Misato muttered. "Glad to have you back on the side of the angels, Rits." She hesitated. "Well, the good side, anyhow."

Ritsuko gave her a twisted smile. "You said it." She raised her beer. "Cheers, and may we all still be here next year to do this again."

Misato nodded, raising her own. "Amen. Bottoms up!"

.


.

"Asuka?"

"Mmmmm?"

"I love you and you're the greatest thing in my world..."

"I hear a 'but' coming..."

"...but you're kind of heavy."

"Oh, I'm hurt, Third Child! After what we just finished doing, you should be sleepy, sated, and quiet, yet you interrupt your beautiful and awesome girlfriend's happy post-coital stupor with something that sounds like 'you're fat'?"

She could practically hear his answering smile in the dark. "I'm not falling for that anymore, Asuka. I know you're happy and comfy, but I'm feeling a little compressed right now. And 'fat'? Come on, you're as lean as a greyhound, except in your, um... female attributes."

"And don't you forget it," Asuka said with a satisfied smirk. She did, however, roll off him to snuggle into his side. Skin-to-skin was addictive. "Besides, I didn't want to move. I like my nice warm Shinji-pillow."

"I've noticed." He wrapped one arm around her, holding her close.

Asuka gave a contented purr. "Best. Christmas Eve. Ever."

"So far," Shinji replied.

Asuka cracked one eye back open. "'So far?' Every time you sound optimistic it feels like the world is going sideways."

"I make up for it by being terrified of the future?" Shinji said, half-serious. "I mean it, though, Asuka. Every Christmas I can remember before this was just my sensei making a marginally more fancy dinner for us, then going to bed and leaving me watching Christmas specials on TV. Alone. So... this one was so much better than any other one I've had I can't even put it into words, but... I feel like next year will be even more. Assuming we make it there."

"Just two more Angels, and then dealing with SEELE and your stupid dad. We'll make it, no sweat," Asuka said grimly.

Shinji gave a half smile at that, but shook his head slightly. "That's not quite... the terrifying part."

"Hmm?"

"...next year, next Christmas. I... us, together a whole year from now? Still? 19 months total? I've never had anything that good happen to me, Asuka. And thinking that far ahead brings back... thinking how far it... how far we could go. It's so good, so impossibly amazing, it scares me to even hope that much."

Asuka opened her mouth to make a flippant remark, but halted. After a moment, she said, "Until the end of the world, Shinji. We promised. And since our job is literally preventing the end of the world, we're going to be... we're going to be..." She tried to finish the sentence, but couldn't. "Ok, it scares me too. Ever since Mama, I've felt alone. But not anymore. Now I've got you. I knowyou've got my back no matter what. Angels, bitches in school, global conspiracies of evil trying to end the world... I've got my Shinji. And as long as I've got you, I can do anything. Not even the end of the world is going to make me give you up. So... next Christmas, and more beyond that, I... I want to feel like this forever, Shinji." She squeezed him tight.

"Me too," Shinji whispered.

They lay there in silence for a few minutes.

"We both know how each other feels. Truly, madly, deeply. We've been together for months. This shouldn't be so scary," Asuka finally said.

"But it is. I think it is because of all that," Shinji replied. "The idea of..." He gulped. "...of..."

"S-Say it."

"Forever. Asuka, I want to stay with you forever," Shinji said in a rush. He started to babble. "Fighting Angels, at school, anything. Whatever you want to do. Just... always with you."

Asuka shivered against him. "Gott damn it, Shinji," she gasped. "You keep... giving me presents that make me cry..." A small sob escaped her. "Don't you ever stop. Baka."

"You're... ok with that?" he hesitantly asked.

"Of course I am, you idiot! Why do you think it's making me cry?"

"S-Sorry."

"Don't apologize!" she insisted between sniffles. "I want this as much as you do! And... Christmas is a good time for... making promises like this."

"Fröhliche Weihnachten, Asuka."

"I'm going to make you cry next time, baka. I love you."

.


.

"Ah, now for the second most fun part of Christmas: The presents!" Asuka grinned, surveying the pile of brightly wrapped boxes that occupied the center of the living room.

"Second most fun part?" Misato asked her roommate, arching an eyebrow.

"Did the most fun part last night," Asuka smirked at her.

Misato rolled her eyes. "And now I'm sorry I asked."

"Oh, like you and Kaji were any better?"

Shinji shook his head with a smile at Misato and Asuka's banter and ducked back into the kitchen. "We're about to start, Kaworu-kun. Come on out and join us. You've got something to give to Rei, right?"

Kaworu almost jumped, jerking his head up from where he'd been staring in fascination at the frosted and decorated cookies Shinji had pulled out of the oven a few minutes ago to cool. "Uh, right! Yes! I did! Gifts!"

Shinji gave Kaworu a mildly concerned look as he picked up the plate with the previous oven-load of cookies to carry them out to serve during the gift exchange. "Are you ok, Kaworu-kun? You've been... jumpy and quiet all afternoon."

"Just excited! Yes! I am... eager to exchange gifts with everyone, and see how Ay-... R-... the First Child likes my present for her." He laughed nervously.

Shinji looked at him for a second, then shrugged. "Ok, then, follow me. Rei will be here any moment."

Kaworu fell in behind him, a small bag in his hand holding his contribution of gifts.

Asuka looked up with a grin and patted the spot next to her when Shinji re-entered the living room. He settled in next to her, placing the plate of cookies on the table. "We ready to start, now?" she asked Misato.

Misato held up her hand. "Ahem! Rei said she'd be here in a few minutes, and Kaji's about to get back with the wine. Patience, Asuka."

"Patients are for doctors, Misato. Could we start with ones between people who are already here?" Asuka wheedled.

"No," Misato said flatly.

"No fun..." Asuka moaned. She snagged a cookie as substitute entertainment and took a bite. "I wish Hikari and her gorilla could have joined us, or the others. The more the merrier."

"Touji lit up when Horaki-san invited him to her family's party. I think they're happy," Shinji noted. "And Kensuke had to go to Sakura-san's thing at her father's church."

"Look who I found lurking at our door," Kaji called from the entranceway, a cool bluenette preceding him.

"Hello, everyone," Rei said quietly.

"Hey, Rei! Have a seat, there's presents to be had!" Asuka called.

"Hello, Rei. Welcome home," Shinji said, smiling.

"Geeble," Kaworu mumbled. His articulation did not improve when Rei sat down next to him at the small table.

"Ah, fresh cookies? Thank you, Shinji," Rei said, taking one. She did not even glance at the petrified Fifth Child next to her.

"That's not all I found at the door. Did someone order this?" Kaji stepped to the side as he came in, waving at the two deliverymen behind him hauling in a two meter wide cardboard box.

"I did, Kaji-san," Shinji said. He got the deliverymen's attention. "Please put it in the room down that hall on the left, if you could?"

The men nodded and bustled past the party to drop off the large box, pausing on the way out just long enough to have Shinji sign their clipboard.

Asuka, noting that the huge box had gone into their room, looked questioningly at her boyfriend. "Shinji?"

He smiled shyly, and said, "Well, everyone's here, so I think I'll go first. That was my gift for you, Asuka. A new queen-size mattress, bedframe, pillows, and silk sheets. Sleeping together is great, but I know you've wanted more room to stretch out, too."

Misato's eyebrows rose again. "Shin-chan, a whole bed, and silk sheets? Didn't that cost a bit?"

Shinji shrugged. "What else do I ever want to spend money on, Misato-san? It's kind of a present for me too, since..." he trailed off, blushing.

Misato snorted. "Right." She happily accepted a glass of wine from Kaji as he joined them.

"See? Best boyfriend in the world," Asuka said smugly. She gave Shinji a peck on the cheek. "Smart and listens. And now I need to figure out how to match that later, since my present for him feels not nearly as fancy." She handed Shinji a gaily wrapped box from the pile on the table.

"I'm sure I'll love it anyway, Asuka," Shinji said, tearing open the wrapping paper. "A CD player and... hmm, 2CELLOS CDs?"

"From the wild, far-off reaches of darkest Europe, baka mine, and right up your alley. You'll love it. Wait until you hear what they can make a cello do. I bet you can play it even better."

Shinji handed a present to Rei, next. "I thought of this when I was shopping for that, Rei. I remembered you had just plain cotton ones. I think you'll like sleeping on these."

Rei opened her present, revealing a blue silk futon cover and pillowcase. She smiled in thanks at him. "Thank you, Shinji. I am certain I will."

Shinji handed Misato hers next, though the rather obvious bottle-shape of the gift made its nature easy to guess. "Merry Christmas, Misato-san."

"Do I even want to know how you got this, Shin-chan?"

"A NERV card and me explaining it is a gift to you at the liquor store made it simple. The shop owner was just surprised I didn't put it on your tab."

Misato laughed and opened the wrapping. Her laugh died when she saw the label. "Crystal Millennium Sake? Jesus, Shinji, this is a twenty-four-thousand yen bottle! I can't let you spend this muc-"

"I want to, Misato-san. I know you'll share it with Kaji-san," Shinji said calmly but firmly.

Asuka had a small smile on her face. "Also, he knows even you're not so crazy as to guzzle fancy liquor like that down too quickly. You'll sip it and savor it slowly, thereby reducing your drinking a bit. Like I said, 'smart and listens'."

Misato shot Shinji an amused look. He ducked his head, slightly guiltily. "You do drink a lot, Misato-san. It worries me sometimes."

"I've been cutting back!" she protested. "I've been... otherwise distracted lately." She clinked her glass of wine against Kaji's. "We'll make it last, Shinji. Thank you."

Shinji handed his last gift to a surprised looking Kaworu. "I hope you'll like these, Kaworu-kun, and find good use for them."

Kaworu opened the rather large, heavy box and blinked in surprise at the contents. "Cooking utensils, a pan, and... 'Vegetarian Cooking for Beginners'?" He looked at Shinji, puzzled.

Shinji very slightly nodded his head at Rei, a ghost of a smile on his face.

Kaworu blinked again and nodded nervously. "Ah... um... thank you again, Shinji-kun!"

"Cooking is a great skill to have, Kaworu-kun."

"Me next!" Asuka said, grabbing a small box from her pile, and handing it to Rei. "I remembered how much you liked this one from when we went shopping, Rei."

Rei got the box opened and her eyes widened at the sleek, royal blue bikini inside. "Asuka! I... I put this back! I couldn't-"

"You love swimming, looked fantastic in it, and you put it back because you blushed adorably when you modeled it. I am firmly of the opinion 'if you've got it, flaunt it', and Rei, you absolutely rock it in that bikini. No fear. I'll be right there with you next time we're at the pool, too. I got the red one, of course," Asuka said confidently. Beside her, Shinji's eyes got wide too.

To Misato and Kaji, Asuka gave a small envelope. "Two tickets to Your Name, Misato. Shinji and I saw it last week. You both will love it. Also, reservations at Cavatelli's for two, already billed to me."

Misato accepted the envelope with a raised eyebrow. "You're sending us out on a date?"

"Yes, I'm sending you on a date," Asuka said cheerfully. "I know just how nice a relaxing dinner and movie night with your man can be, so I thought it'd be a nice present."

"That was very thoughtful of you, Asuka. Thank you," Kaji said, giving Misato a nudge. "Don't you think so?"

"I thought we were supposed to be the parental-figures," Misato mock-complained. "Thanks, Asuka."

Asuka handed a similar envelope to Kaworu. "Nun, ich will dir jetzt nicht genau vorschreiben, wie du diese Dinger verwenden solltest, Regenbogenforelle, aber..." [Now, I'm not telling you how to use these, Rainbow Trout, but...]

Kaworu took the envelope and paled a bit. "Um... thank you?" He darted a momentary look at Rei, who kept staring right at Asuka.

The redhead only smirked in reply. "Fröhliche Weihnachten, Kaworu. Now, your turn."

Kaworu reached into the bag next to him and handed a small velvet bag to Asuka, and a small, thin gift to Shinji. "I hope these are appropriate gifts. I have never done this before."

Asuka's smirk became a true smile when she tugged open the drawstrings of the bag and discovered it was full of chocolates. "Godiva truffles? Ok, that's a definite win, Kaworu."

The grey-haired boy shrugged and smiled. "I have to admit, Shinji-kun suggested it. I asked him for help, since I was clueless."

Asuka smiled sidelong at her boyfriend. "Ah hah. Clever Shinji."

Shinji bobbed his head in acknowledgement as he opened the wrapping on his gift. "Apocalyptica? It's... heavy metal on cellos?" He looked at Kaworu.

Kaworu gestured at Asuka. "Again, I had no ideas except something musical in general. So I asked..."

"Guilty," Asuka admitted. "I did want to give you all of the cool music I found myself, Shinji, but Kaworu was just lost. And now..." Asuka's grin got toothy. "We get to see what he got for Rei."

Rei's head pivoted slowly to stare at Kaworu, who looked even more nervous. He reached into the bag again, pulling out another small package. "H-Here, Rei. Shinji-kun helped me with the concept, but I put it all together myself."

Rei's slim fingers deftly opened the wrapping paper without tearing it, revealing a brand-new SDAT tape player. "Ah. Just like Shinji's, I see. Thank you, Kaworu. But how did you put this together?"

"Not the SDAT. I made the tape in it for you. Shinji told me about 'mix tapes'. So I assembled a tape of songs for you. To... say things I can't."

Misato and Asuka exchanged a look full of raised eyebrows, then switched back to Rei.

Rei maintained a cool, unreadable mask, however, and put the SDAT and headphones in her pocket. "Thank you, Kaworu. I will listen to it a little later. I do not wish to miss the party. I still have a gift for Asuka and Shinji." She handed Shinji a small, flat box. "This is a rather personal gift, so please wait to open it until you are both alone."

"Thank you, Rei." Asuka waited. "Don't you have a gift for the Regenbogenforelle?"

"I gave him his gift last night, at the end of the party," Rei said calmly. "It was likewise a rather personal one."

"I see..." Misato and Asuka said in concert. They eyed each other again.

Shinji looked at the box, then back at Rei. "I... don't?" Asuka leaned over to whisper in his ear. "Oh... OH!"

Rei calmly took another cookie and nibbled at it, ignoring all the stares.

"Way to go, Rei," Asuka said quietly.

Rei's expression did not flicker. "I am enjoying all these Christmas traditions, Asuka. Thank you very much for introducing us to them."

"You're welcome, Wondergirl. It's been pretty nice for all of us," Asuka said. With that, she rolled back, whipped her legs up over herself, converted it into a handstand, and then completed the wheel in one smooth motion to end up standing.

"Show off," Shinji snarked, deadpan.

"And you love watching," she winked back. "Come on, my dearest baka. We've got a brand new bed to-"

"A-hem!" Misato interjected.

"-assemble and put the sheets on, which will be more fun with our friends helping," Asuka finished as if Misato had not said anything. She threw Misato an arch look. "Come now, Misato. Would I abandon Rei and the new fish out here like that? Such a dirty mind you have."

"Suuuuuure, Asuka. New bed, silk sheets, and the thought never crossed your mind. And hold your horses. I've got a couple of gifts for you and your sweetie, you know." Misato handed a box to Shinji and a box to Asuka. "You first, Second Child."

Asuka stuck her tongue out at Misato, but opened the box. A brand-new heart-shaped sign for hanging on a door lay inside. "'Shin-chan and Asuka's Lovely Honeymoon Suite'?" she read. "Very funny, Misato."

"One joke, one real gift," Misato defended. "Shinji, the other box?"

Shinji opened it up. "A... photo album?" He opened it up and leafed through it. A large photo of he and Asuka dancing at her birthday party, looking happily lost in each other's arms, took up the first page. More shots from the party followed, along with pictures of the two of them watching TV on the couch together, coming in from a date, or laughing over dinner filling the rest of the book.

Asuka leaned over Shinji's shoulder to see, her hand on his back. "That's... thank you, Misato. Really."

"You two have convinced me you're serious about this. I'm still going to tease you because it's fun, but I can't pretend you're not for real," Misato said. "Joke it may be, but I wouldn't have gotten you that room sign if it wasn't pretty true. You've earned it." She waved with her wineglass towards their room. "Go ahead and do your furniture assembly. Kaji and I will see about keeping things going in the kitchen."

At Asuka's glower and Shinji's blanching, Misato waved her free hand in a calming gesture. "Relax! I promise I won't touch the stuff Shinji's already got going! Kaji will handle any cooking. Now scoot."

"What, no famous Katsuragi Christmas Extra-Hot Instant Curry?" Kaji asked wryly.

"Hush, you."

Rei rose smoothly, taking another cookie as she did. "I will be pleased to help with the set-up, Asuka. Come, Kaworu. To the bedroom."

"Meeble."

.


.

Rei fitted the headphones into her ears and picked up her phone. I AM ABOUT TO BEGIN, KAWORU. RELAX. I CAN SEE YOU WORRYING, she texted.

IT IS DIFFICULT. THIS IS THE FIRST CREATIVE THING I HAVE EVER DONE ON MY OWN, AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME. BOTH FOR THAT, AND BECAUSE IT IS MY GIFT FOR YOU. I AM VERY... TENSE, FOR BOTH REASONS. I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, IN ANY WORLD I KNOW OF.

Rei looked down again, noting his Light was wavering and shifting erratically. He truly was hanging on her reaction. I HAVE TOLD YOU, YOU ARE MORE THAN SUFFICIENTLY LILIM TO ACHIEVE CREATION. BE CALM.

She clicked 'PLAY'. I AM STARTING IT NOW.

She laid her phone aside and closed her eyes, to concentrate on the music. In truth, she was slightly nervous herself. She had never gotten a gift like this before either. She was familiar with the concept of emotions expressed via music, and playing with her friends had often filled her with feelings she'd never felt before, but it had never been quite like this: A message for her, from someone who... wanted to be more than a friend.

The first notes began.

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't wanna go home right now

.


.

"Ahhhhh~, this is even nicer than I expected," Asuka said with a pleased sigh as she wriggled under the new silk sheets. The fact she wore not a stitch made the silk feel even better. "The mattress is just right, too, and so much room to roll around! Excellent present, liebling."

Shinji smiled at her expression. "I'm glad you like it."

Asuka grabbed Rei's box off the headboard of the bed and rolled over to face Shinji. She placed the box between them on the bed. "Now... I've been wondering all evening what Rei gave us, and it's time to satisfy my curiosity. I've got some ideas..."

"Do you think she... well, she said it was personal. Do you think she gave us, um... a new version of that... box she gave Kaworu-kun? Shinji guessed.

Asuka tore the paper open and lifted the top off the box. "...yup," she said in a strangled voice. Her eyes widened and her face started to turn as red as her hair. "She did. Holy Gott, Shinji! Look at these!"

"I... I... Wow. Um... Rei is..." Shinji fumbled for words. "...Beautiful," he finally got out, sounding almost astonished.

"Yeah..." Asuka turned the pictures over slowly, examining each one in detail. "Wow... I... Shinji, have I told you lately that I love you?"

Shinji blinked, confused. "Um... yes?"

"Good. Ok, there are deeper emotional aspects I want to take about regarding these pictures, the fact Rei told us she loves us and gave us these, and that she also gave some to Kaworu to help fight that compulsion SEELE put in his head... but that's for tomorrow. Right now..." Asuka carefully put the pictures back in the box, closed it, and put it aside.

"...I want my lover," she said, and nearly leapt on him.

.


.

Rei clicked 'STOP' on the SDAT and took out the headphones. She laid the tape player aside and stared at the ceiling. After a moment she lifted one hand in front of her face and noted it was shaking slightly.

Her phone chirped. She looked at the message. DID YOU LIKE IT?

She did not need to look down to sense the nervous anticipation. She typed a quick reply back.

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

.


.

Four stories below, a young half-Lilim (who at the moment was very much Kaworu Nagisa and not at all Tabris) stopped where he'd been pacing in circles for over half an hour. He had tried to lay down on his futon and relax as instructed, but this had proved utterly impossible. Relax? Relax? With his first tentative efforts at both love and Lilim creativity on the line?

He looked at the message she's just sent. He steeled himself for a moment, then slowly looked up, through the four floors of concrete and metal that hardly impeded his Sight at all, and...

Shinji-kun and Asuka were like a bonfire of emotion and bonds. They shone like the sun, lighting up the whole building. Not far away, Major Katsuragi and Inspector Kaji were making their own glow, smaller and lesser in comparison. And just beyond that was Aya-... Rei.

She was glorious. Her Light shone like a star, rippling and shifting like a rainbow in a kaleidoscope. The same fractured splendors that always made her so beautiful to him were there, this time flaring with notes of deep emotion and enjoyment... and a recurring, rich ochre thread of... something he saw constantly between Shinji-kun and Asuka.

His heart soared. She liked it! And a thing he had made! He threw his fists in the air. "I did it! I did it!"

His phone beeped again. NOW GO TO BED, YOU STUPID FISH. I'LL MOST LIKELY KILL YOU IN THE MORNING.

He couldn't stop the grin that threatened to split his face. He typed back a reply, and flopped onto his futon, exhausted but happy.

AS YOU WISH.

Rei put her phone down and closed her eyes. "Idiot."

.


.

Author's Note: Iraq still sucks: I'm in the ICU at the Baghdad Diplomatic Support Center Hospital (Baghdad Airport) with a nasty infection trying to eat my right foot. I'll be ok. This has interrupted writing and updating, though. But I do have some built up for you. Here you go, 14k words of WAFF! I'll try to update a bit faster. This is 100% current as of 01JUL17, though.

For the interested, Kaworu's Rei Mix #1 (He's not creative enough yet to call it a Reimix :V )

Iris - The Goo-Goo Dolls

Symphonies - Clean Bandit

She's So High - Tal Bachman

Send Me An Angel - Real Life

God Is A Girl- Groove Coverage

Crazy For This Girl - Evan & Jaron

I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner

My First, My Last, My Everything - Barry White

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Jefferson Starship

Awake & Alive - Skillet

.

Here are some of the other lyrics on the tape that caught Rei's attention...

.

And now your song is on repeat

And I'm dancin' on to your heartbeat

And when you're gone, I feel incomplete

So if you want the truth

I just wanna be part of your symphony

Will you hold me tight and not let go?

Symphony

.

It gets in your eyes

It's making you cry

Don't know what to do

Don't know what to do

You're looking for love

Calling heaven above

Send me an angel

Send me an angel

Right now, right now

.

In my life there's been heartache and pain

I don't know if I can face it again

Can't stop now, I've traveled so far

To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is

I want you to show me

.

Would you look at her

She looks at me

She's got me thinking about her constantly

But she don't know how I feel

And as she carries on without a doubt

I wonder if she's figured out

I'm crazy for this girl

Yeah, I'm crazy for this girl

.

She was the one to hold me

The night

The sky fell down

And what was I thinking when

The world didn't end

Why didn't I know what I know now

.

My first, my last, my everything

And the answer to all my dreams

You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star

My kind of wonderful, that's what you are

.

Lookin' in your eyes

I see a paradise

This world that I found

Is too good to be true

Standin' here beside you

Want so much to give you

This love in my heart

That I'm feelin' for you

.

I'm at war with the world cause I

Ain't never gonna sell my soul

I've already made up my mind

No matter what I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak

And I feel like giving in

You breathe into me again