Seth fled the motel room without looking back, getting into his car and speeding off as fast as he could manage, just going, going...anything to get away.
He had no idea how long he'd driven or when he'd finally stopped but eventually he found himself parked on the side of the road somewhere outside of the village, with only the red, dusty road stretching out in front of him.
It might have only been minutes, or several hours since the remaining pillars keeping up his world had crumbled; he couldn't tell.
Not that it mattered. The pain he felt wasn't receding, and neither were the crippling self-loathing and regret. There was no running from that.
He hadn't known where he wanted to go when he'd run out, just that he needed to get away from that nightmare which had unfolded its last terrible dimension back there. He hadn't been trying to flee his pain, anyway...all he'd wanted was to get away from Spencer before his presence could do anymore damage, hurt him any more.
He hadn't thought about after. Obviously, he was still a wanted man. If he wanted to remain free or alive, it would be best to just keep driving, to never look back, disappearing again...but where would be the point in that?
Where would he go anyway? To El Ray? Should he go there and live out the rest of his pathetic life, stealing, and murdering, and drowning himself in liquor, haunted by the past, by his ghosts? Rememberingwith every breaththe damage he'd left behind?
No.
He knew that wasn't an option. Not really.
Spencer's face, twisted and agonized, so desperate...so indicative of the shell of a person he'd become, appeared before Seth's inner eye, the image scorching his insides.
He had caused that. Him. It was his fault. He had destroyed him, dragged him into a nightmare which would never end if Seth just disappeared now...
He had to go back.
He couldn't disappear like this, without Spencer receiving any kind of reparation, any kind of justice. Having to go on living knowing he was still out there, probably always looking over his shoulder waiting for him to return...he would never heal, never come back from this.
No. If he didn't go back now, he knew the thought of Spencer never being able to get closure would eventually eat him alive and drive him back anyway.
Seth started the car engine and turned back around, starting his way back to the village.
There was nothing left he wanted for himself. Nothing he could have anyway. This wretched, torn feeling in his chest would never leave him, Richie's ghost would never leave him...and he could never get Spencer back, never fix what he'd broken.
All he could do was offer his freedom, or his life, to Spencer, even knowing it would mean next to nothing. Spencer wouldn't be magically healed by seeing him go to prison, or killed. But it might be a step in helping him recover.
And if that was the only thing Seth could do to help him, he would do it.
He didn't bother speeding up. Either Morgan would still be there, freed by Spencer, and he would arrest or kill him, or he would go find Spencer's team. Probably better to try for the latter and not have to come across Spencer again, forcing him to watch and suffer more in the process.
As he drove back, Seth found himself wishing Morgan might just give in to his hatred and put a pullet through his brain the minute he saw him. But then, he knew that would be much too easy.
Xxx
Spencer didn't know how long he'd stood there, panting, shaking, mind and body so riled up that he was barely aware of his surroundings.
The first minute or so after Seth was suddenly gone from the room, he'd stood frozen, heart beating wildly in his chest, terrified as he waited for the man to come back, to shove him aside and kill Morgan after all. Waited for the seemingly inevitable, crushing realization that all his fighting, all his last-resort bargaining had been for nothing, unmatched by Seth's insanity.
Then though, as minutes ticked by, and the door didn't open again his overly-sharp focus slipped, adrenaline ebbing away and leaving him crumbling. His legs gave in and he sank to the ground, still breathing erratically as he fought to get a grasp on himself.
It seemed almost impossible, his mind spinning and threatening to lapse back into its vacant, withdrawn state from overload now that there was no more immediate danger forcing him into consciousness.
It took him all he had not to black out, to stop hyperventilating and stay alert. He couldn't fade out, not with Morgan still tied up in the other room, not with people who might come looking for Seth here, not with Seth still-
But to stay awake, to force away the haze of panic, meant to think. To recall. To doubt.
Instinct was still screaming at him to get Morgan out of his bonds now, before Seth came back, but...Unbidden, his last impression of Seth flashed before Spencer's eyes.
He'd been so out of his mind with fear and desperation then that he had barely registered it, but, there it was now, the image of Seth's face. So stricken, so full of self-loathing and -disgust after that kiss...the way his blind rage had turned into sharp regret.
How Seth had run out...like he couldn't stop what he was doing fast enough, like he was scared he might not be able to if he stayed. Like he had finally seen, finally understood...like he couldn't believe he'd hurt him...
Like he had no intention of coming back and finishing what he'd started, or any intention of coming back at all...
No. Spencer pressed his hands to his temples, shaking his head desperately. No. No. He couldn't do this again, couldn't let himself feel sympathetic for Seth, or ascribe any redeeming qualities to the man.
It had destroyed him the last time around.
It didn't matter what had gotten into Seth. It didn't make up for anything that had happened before that.
Seth had wanted to kill Morgan, just like he'd killed all those other people without giving a damn. Spencer had seen the intention in his eyes.
And Seth had long known the pain and destruction he'd caused in him with his actions; it had never stopped him before...
Spencer's hands ripped at his hair as fury raced through him. There were uncountable things that Seth had just taken from him, forced on him; how dare he be so shocked, so offended by Spencer giving in now? Like that wasn't what he'd wanted.
But still he had...had...
He felt hot tears brimming in his eyes and shut them tightly as he hit his forehead against his knees, trying to get the destroyed look on Seth's face out of his mind. It was a losing battle. Unbidden thoughts, memories, feelings were creeping up on him, whispering in his ear and suffocating his anger. Telling him that Seth wasn't just bad...that he knew a different man, a man who would never want to hurt him...
Oh god...He'd come so far in telling himself that Seth didn't actually love him, that he was just an evil, selfish bastard.
And now he'd gone and-
Spencer pressed his head harder to his knees, feeling his long hair stick to his cheeks as he fought his own mind.
Evil. Evil.
Evil.
~'Spencer woke up to the pleasant sensation of fingernails lightly scraping over his skull. He hummed, still sleepy and turned his head into the motion. He blinked, opening his eyes against the morning sunlight and smiled when he found Seth's face right next to his.
Seth smiled back in a silent greeting, and kept gently carding through his hair, separating the long strands with a slightly absent gaze. "You need a haircut," he murmured after a while.
Spencer smiled crookedly. "I thought you liked my hair long."
As if on cue, Seth's hand tightened, tugging him closer just short of roughly and making Spencer's breath catch.
"Hm, I do," Seth hummed, leaning in to kiss the tip of his nose quickly. "But you can't see through those bangs," he used his other hand to brush the offending bits of hair out of his lovers face and left his hand resting against the side of his face warmly. "And as endearing as it is to watch you constantly blowing them out of your eyes, I'm not gonna stand by and watch you get beat up by the furniture."
He smiled when Spencer huffed, and pulled him in for a light but lingering kiss. "Hm, alright," the younger mans eyes fluttered shut when Seth leaned in to place a kiss over the skin behind his ear, "I guess we do both look kind of shaggy."
He laughed at Seth's sound of mock indignation and then squeaked when the man intentionally let his lips graze a spot that he knew was ticklish.
"Seth!"'~
NO. That's not- NO!
~"I'm sorry...I just, don't know..."
Spencer rested his head in his hands, feeling utterly exhausted and quite frankly as if he could start crying at any moment.
"Don't be," Seth closed the door behind him, running a hand through his freshly cut hair, "I wasn't thinking."
Spencer scoffed, bitter, sinking into himself. He couldn't believe that he couldn't even get his freaking hair cut without losing his nerve these days. "I'm sorry," he said once more, "I was fine the whole time, till we walked in and then-"
He broke off, unable to explain to Seth how the friendly looking, little man with the big mustache and the beer belly in the barber shop had managed to trigger his PTSD. Maybe it had been the scissors about to come so dangerously close to his neck, or the sitting with his back to the door, or-
"Hey." He was pulled out of his thoughts when Seth took hold of his chin, tilting his face up to make him look into deep and calming eyes. "Don't stress yourself, kid. It doesn't matter."
The positive effect on Spencer's nerves was immediate as always, but still the miserable feeling remained. "You're not going to say that when you have to lead me everywhere because I actually can't see through my hair anymore."
He looked up sadly and watched Seth's eyes go from slightly amused to simply soft, taking on the expression that he gave him so often and that Spencer could never really interpret.
"Let me do it," Seth said after a moment.
Spencer blinked, momentarily confused, then again in surprise.
"Okay," he finally nodded, almost without hesitance. As he watched Seth walk into the bathroom to find a pair of scissors he felt the tension in his chest finally dissipate ever so slowly.
For the next 10 minutes he watched calmly, almost mesmerized as Seth cut his hair with a look of concentration on his face that could have almost been comical if it hadn't been so utterly endearing. His anxiety from before never once spiked up again, even when the cool metal of the scissors touched his neck. There was no need for fear when Seth was there.
Reid shook his head harshly, back and forth, back and forth, trying to get rid of the memories. No, he didn't want to think about these things, they'd been lies, not real...
Real.
But still not balancing out all the evil...the danger to Morgan.
'"I feel like I'm dying."
Spencer pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, groaning at the persisting pain in his head. He felt like hell.
They had had whiskey before falling asleep the night before. Spencer hadn't been able to fall asleep, shaken by nightmares and some liquor usually helped calm him down. This time he had clearly overdone it. He shouldn't have tried to match Seth...
"So whiskey is not your friend then. Noted."
Seth stood in their small kitchenette, looking to where Spencer was sitting, leaning over the counter. There was no smile on his face but Spencer could feel it anyway; he shot him a dirty look.
"Yeah, add it to the list."
"Well, guess that means no more of the hard stuff for you. Clearly it's doing more harm than good."
He was going through cupboards, then the fridge; it looked like he was making a smoothie...except the ingredients didn't fit.
"What is that?"
"Hangover cure." Seth shrugged, "Works every time."
"What is that?" Spencer repeated, eying the drink in front of him suspiciously.
"1 part olive oil, 1 raw egg yolk, salt and pepper, 1-2 tablespoons of tomato ketchup, a dash of Tabasco and worcestershire sauce, and some vinegar."
Spencer looked at him wide-eyed, repulsed. "I can't drink that."
But Seth wouldn't have any of it. "Would you rather keep feeling like shit all day? Down with it. Rip off the bandage and all that."
Spencer watched with horror as Seth cracked a raw egg into the glass, fighting his gag reflex. He looked up at Seth pleadingly but the man just raised an eyebrow, unrelenting. Reluctantly lifted the glass and took small sips, pulling a face. "Ugh. No, that will never work."
Seth took the glass from him, taking it back to the counter."Well, not until we add the magic last ingredient. Hair of the dog-"
"What?!" Spencer sputtered, "No, you are not putting dog hair into my drink!" He blinked, confused when Seth let out a laugh at that.
"But then how are you going to get better?" Seth kept grinning, but then sighed when he saw Spencer's truly disgusted expression. He walked over, taking hold of Spencer's chin and tilting it up."It's just an expression, Spencer. I meant vodka." He kissed the side of the young man's face, then winked and went to fetch the alcohol.
"Oh, well, that sounds marginally less repulsive." Spencer sank further toward the counter top, but was now also smiling slightly. He watched Seth through tired eyes, following his easy movement.
"How can you you just stand there like nothing happened? I drank exactly as much as you-"
Seth raised an eyebrow at him once more, unimpressed, "I never said do as I do, did I? No, do as I say. Drink up."
Spencer pulled a face, sticking his tongue out when he saw the corner of Seth's mouth twitch. Seth shook his head, less annoyed than indulgent. Then he grabbed his jacket and headed fro the door, ruffling Spencer's hair in passing."Alright...you finish that...I'll be back soon."
"Where are you going?"
"To find a pharmacy. See if they have some actual medicine to help you sleep."
Seth returned half an hour later with some aspirin and another book. Spencer took it curiously when Seth flopped down next to him on the bed. It said 'Hamlet' on the cover and Spencer couldn't help but smile when Seth offhandedly murmured something about a sale.
"Thank you." He eased himself back down, this time resting his head against Seth's shoulder, cuddling up to him. "You realize of course that now you'll have to read it to me."
Seth made a sound of mock dismay,"Aw, see I was afraid of that."
Spencer laughed and lightly swatted the other's chest, feeling his headache recede when Seth kissed his head again, settling in.'
Reid sat against the wall with tears streaming down his cheeks.
The room was still empty, undisturbed. Faintly, he cold hear Morgan's worried voice over the sound of his own sobs. Calling for him...asking if he was hurt...
He had to get up and free him, he knew...
But what would he say to the inevitable questions that would follow? How would he face the team, how go back to them? How would he explain where Seth had gone? How would he make Morgan understand that it would likely kill him if they caught and shot Seth, just as it would likely kill him if they didn't? How...how...how...
He sat with his back against the wall, unable to move.
XXXXXXXXXX
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