A/N: Thanks so much for reviewing! Hope you enjoy this chapter. It's extra long, yay!
Chapter Forty-nine: Hell on Wheels
Brian and Claire watched in horror as Vernon disappeared into the boys' bathroom and let the door close behind him.
Claire turned to Brian, panicked. "You have to go in there!"
Brian looked back at her, eyes wide. "Me? Why? Why do I have to go?"
Claire's brow wrinkled in disbelief. "Who else is going to go, me? Brian, you have to go make sure Vernon doesn't see him."
Brian glanced over at the bathroom door. "Well, if he was going to see him, it probably would have happened by now."
Claire didn't say anything, but her eyebrow was arched in challenge and her eyes told him that he might earn a heel to the gut if he didn't comply with her demands. He swallowed. "Yeah, okay."
Brian walked quickly towards the bathroom door and pushed it open, stepping into the room. He could see the bottom half of Vernon's legs poking out from the first stall, but there didn't appear to be anyone else in the room… which was a good thing. He paused by the door for a moment, unsure of what Claire expected him to accomplish by going in there. Obviously, Bender had done this sort of thing before and could handle it by himself; he didn't need Brian to swoop in and save the day.
Brian moved over in front of the stalls and pushed open the last one. Bender was crouched on the toilet seat, an unlit cigarette dangling from his upper lip and a panicked expression on his face. When he saw that it was only Brian he let out a breath and rolled his eyes, then motioned for him to close the door again. Brian did as he was told and moved into the middle stall.
The three of them sat in relative silence for a couple of minutes before Vernon started whistling 'YMCA'. Brian frowned and glanced to his left, wondering if Vernon realized that there were other people in the bathroom with him. It continued for about fifteen seconds before Brian heard something very strange indeed.
To his right, Bender started whistling along with Vernon. Brian glanced over at the wall separating them, eyes wide with shock and fear. He heard Vernon pause for a moment, but Bender kept whistling, eventually diving into the chorus again. Vernon shifted a bit in the stall, then picked up the tune again, obviously thinking that it was Brian whistling along with him. Brian glanced back and forth between the two stalls, completely bewildered.
It was, without a doubt, the strangest moment of his entire life.
After a few seconds of shock, he leaned forward and rested his chin on his hand, bobbing his head in time to the "music" and tapping his foot on the floor. The whistling carried on for another thirty seconds or so, according to his digital watch. He was actually starting to enjoy himself when something clattered onto the floor to his right.
His heart skipped a beat when he looked down beside him to see a small metal lighter sitting on the floor a few inches from his right sneaker. The whistling stopped immediately on both sides and Brian reached down and swooped up the lighter, depositing it in his trouser pocket. To his left, Vernon stood and flushed the toilet, then walked out of the stall and over to the sink to wash his hands. Brian let out a silent breath, relieved that they hadn't been caught. Vernon moved towards the door, then paused. Brian could see that his shoes were pointing towards them and he knew that Vernon was staring at the stall doors. After a few seconds, he took a small step in their direction.
Brian jumped up and, flushing the toilet for added realism, flung open the door to the stall. The door caught Vernon straight in the face and he shouted in pain.
"Oh, my God!" Brian's mouth dropped open at the sight of his vice principal doubled over in front of him, clutching his face. "Are you, I mean, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to… are you okay? Do you need a-"
"Shut up!" Vernon stood up straight and Brian could see a trickle of blood coming from his nose. "Just shut… up." He took a deep breath, hand still pressed against his nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding. "Get me a paper towel," he croaked.
Brian ran over to the paper towel dispenser and grabbed a large handful of them. He brought them over to Vernon, who pressed them up against his nose. Brian watched him warily for a moment. "Do you need me to-"
"No." Vernon held up his free hand. "Just… just stay away." Then he turned and walked out the door.
Brian let out a deep breath and let his head fall in his hands. First the flare gun, now this. How many people can say that they shot up the school and gave their vice principal a bloody nose all in the space of two weeks? And, oh God, his parents. Was Vernon going to tell them what happened? Was he going to get another detention? His mom was already mad enough about the F; he'd be grounded forever if she found out about this, too. But, really, it was an accident, so-
"That… was awesome."
Brian looked up at see Bender standing a couple of feet away, grinning at Brian and shaking his head. "In fact, you…" He stepped forward. "…are almost cool now."
Brian's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Don't get ahead of yourself. I said almost." Bender held out his hand. "Lighter?"
"Oh, right." Brian dug into his trouser pocket and pulled out the lighter, which Bender immediately used to light the cigarette in his other hand. "What are you doing?"
"What the hell does it look like I'm doing?" Bender took a drag on the cigarette and looked back at Brian. "For a smart kid, you sure can be stupid sometimes."
Brian rolled his eyes. "I knew what you were doing. I just meant that you aren't supposed to smoke in the building."
Bender pretended to look stunned. "No, really?" He rolled his eyes and removed the pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. "You want one?"
Brian shook his head. "No, I don't smoke. I mean, I couldn't ever do that, you know, at school or anything…" He trailed off when he saw Bender staring at him skeptically, most likely thinking about the four of them smoking weed in the library that Saturday. Brian sighed. "Yeah, okay."
Bender handed him the cigarette and lit it for him. Brian looked at it curiously for a moment before putting it up to his lips and taking a tiny drag. He almost started coughing, but managed to keep it in, knowing how uncool it looked when people couldn't "hold their smoke". Perhaps his experiences in detention had taught him something after all.
Brian took a couple more drags and looked up at Bender, who was leaning against the wall, staring at the sink. "Um, Claire's waiting for us."
Bender looked over at him. "What?"
"I said Claire's waiting for us. Maybe we should, you know, go back out there."
Bender paused thoughtfully for a moment, his mouth curling into a slow smile. "Nah." He looked back at Brian and grinned. "Let her worry for a while."
Claire looked up at the clock again, more annoyed than worried by then. It had been nearly ten minutes since she'd sent Brian into the bathroom after John and she wondered what was taking them so long.
When Brian had first disappeared through the door, she'd moved into the hallway that Brian and Vernon had come from, poking her head around the corner so that she could see when they came out. Nothing happened for about a minute, which was a good thing, she supposed. After a few more minutes, she heard a toilet flush and someone turned on the faucet. She hung back, expecting Vernon to emerge from the bathroom, but he never came. Instead, she heard the sound of another toilet flushing, quickly followed by the sound of someone screaming. Claire panicked, but forced herself to stay put. There was nothing that she could accomplish by running in there with them.
A minute later, Vernon came out of the bathroom, a bundle of paper towels pressed up against his face. Claire, who was relieved that the screaming hadn't come from Brian or John, had to force herself not to collapse into a pile of giggles imagining what had happened to him… and which of the boys was responsible. When Vernon turned the next corner at the end of the hall, Claire came out from behind the row of lockers to wait for John and Brian.
Four minutes later, she was still waiting. She looked up at the clock again, watching the second hand this time. She could go in probably. There wasn't anyone else in there, so it wasn't like she would get caught. Then again, the boys' bathroom? She could think of about a million places she'd rather be and most of them were discount clothing stores. She sighed. Ten more seconds and-
Suddenly, the bathroom door pushed open and Brian and Bender walked out. Claire stepped forward. "What happened? Why were you in there for so long?"
Bender wrinkled his nose in disgust. "You want to know why I was in the bathroom for so long? This is a new low, Princess, especially for you."
Claire rolled her eyes. "What happened to Vernon?"
Bender grinned and glanced over at Brian. "Why don't you ask Rambo over here?"
Claire looked over at Brian, who was blushing, but also trying not to smile. She grinned. "What did you do?"
"Nothing. I accidentally hit him in the face with a stall door."
Claire laughed and shook her head. "Well, I'm glad you're both alright."
Bender looked up at the clock. "Either of you hungry?"
Claire put a hand on her rumbling stomach. "Yeah." She looked over at Brian, who nodded also.
Bender looked over at Claire thoughtfully. "You got a car?"
Claire narrowed her eyes. "It's my Dad's. Why?"
Bender grinned and clapped his hands together. "Perfect. Let's go get pizza."
Claire's mouth dropped open. "We can't go get pizza!"
Bender rolled his eyes. "Fine, burgers." He looked over at Brian. "What about you? Which do you prefer?"
Brian shifted uncomfortably. "Um, pizza, but I don't think I can go."
"Why not?"
Brian sighed. "My mom got my report card in the mail this morning."
"So?"
"So, if I get caught sneaking off campus I'll be in more trouble than I am already."
"You won't get caught."
Brian looked up at Bender. "How do you know?"
"Because you're with me." He shot him a cocky grin. "I know this school inside and out. I never get caught."
Brian paused, obviously torn. Finally, he looked back at Bender and sighed. "Yeah, okay."
Bender looked over at Claire expectantly. "Well, Princess?"
Claire hesitated. She knew she shouldn't do it. There were a million reasons to say no and every single one of them were on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to be used as an excuse. But when she looked back and forth between Brian and John, she realized that she didn't care about a single one of those excuses. Before she could stop herself, she adjusted her purse strap over her shoulder and sighed. "Fine. Let's go."
When they arrived out in the parking lot, Bender looked over at Claire and held out his hand. "Keys."
Claire turned her nose up disdainfully. "You're not driving."
"Yes, I am."
"It's my father's car!"
"I don't care whose goddamn car it is. I don't trust a woman behind the wheel."
Claire glared at him. "That's so sexist."
John smirked, glancing over at Brian and then back to Claire. "Sexist or sexy?"
Claire narrowed her eyes at him. "Sexist."
John nodded slowly. "Hmmm, interesting. That's not what you said earlier in the hall."
"I never said anything to you in the hall!"
"Or yesterday in the girls' bathroom. You know, when you were sitting on my lap and we were-"
Claire threw the keys at Bender's chest and he caught them easily, anticipating the move. He held them up and gave Claire an innocent look. "Does this mean you want me to drive now?"
Claire clenched her jaw. "Unlock the door."
"I'll take that as a yes." Bender looked over at Brian, who had turned a rather vibrant shade of pink during their argument. "Are you aware that the girls' bathrooms have tampon dispensers?"
Brian face became even rosier. "What? I don't-"
"Yeah. Right where the urinals would be. Amazing. I looked over at Claire and I said-"
"Unlock the door!"
Bender turned to Claire, feigning irritation. "Excuse me. I'm telling Brian a story."
"Just unlock the door!"
Bender smirked; he was enjoying this way more than he had any right to. "Fine." He opened the driver's side door and slid inside, reaching over to unlock Brian and Claire's doors as well. They all slipped on their seatbelts and got comfortable.
Bender put the key in the ignition and Claire glanced over at him apprehensively. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Bender waved her off. "Of course I do." He glanced down at the pedals, then back up at Claire. "Wait, which one's the gas pedal?"
Claire's eyes widened in fear and Bender smirked. "I was just kidding." Claire let out a sigh of relief and Bender rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, Princess. I'm not going to wreck Daddy's car."
Claire huffed and settled back into the seat. "This was a bad idea."
Bender rolled his eyes. "The car's probably safer with me in the driver's seat than you."
"You're so arrogant!"
"It's not arrogance if I'm right."
Claire unbuckled her seatbelt and reached for the door handle. "That's it. I'm driv-" Before she could finish her sentence, Bender put the car in Reverse and backed out of the parking spot. Claire cried out in surprise, but Bender ignored her and shifted into Drive, taking off down the center aisle.
Claire looked over at him as she rebuckled her seatbelt. "You're such a jerk."
Bender glanced over at her as he stopped at the end of the aisle leading out to the street. "Now, honey. Let's not fight."
Claire blushed furiously and settled back into the seat. Bender grinned and pulled out onto the road, eyes flickering up to the rearview mirror, where he could see Brian sitting in the backseat, looking out the window. "You okay back there?"
Brian looked up. "Oh. Yeah, I'm fine." He turned in his seat and leaned forward, putting a hand on the seat in front of him. "Hey, Claire?"
Claire shifted around. "Yes?"
"Did you turn in your permission slip?"
Bender looked over at Claire, eyes narrowed in confusion. Claire glanced over at him quickly, then back at Brian. "Um-"
"Because it's due today."
"Yeah, I know."
Bender kept his eyes on the road. "Permission slip for what?"
"The convention," said Brian just as Claire said, "Nothing."
Bender looked into the rearview mirror again. "Convention?"
Brian nodded. "For the Physics Club. We're going to the Space Exploration and Technology Convention this Saturday. It's in Chicago and all of these really famous astronauts and astrophysicists are going to be there and they're going to give these presentations on-"
"What does that have to do with Claire?" Bender glanced over at Claire, who was sitting back in her seat, cheeks red with embarrassment. "Are you going?"
Claire clenched her jaw and let Brian answer for her. "She gets extra credit in physics if she goes."
Bender burst out laughing and Claire looked over at him, furious. "It's not funny."
Bender ignored her and kept laughing. "Keep your eyes on the road!" she yelled, grabbing the steering wheel from him.
Bender straightened up and brushed her hand away. "So, when does this little field trip take place?"
"On Saturday," offered Brian.
Bender didn't even try to hide his amusement. He looked over at Claire, who was clearly not enjoying this. "Why didn't you tell me about this, Claire?"
"Shut up."
"Did you ever stop to consider the fact that maybe I'd like to come, too?"
Claire glared at him. "You have detention… honey."
Bender smirked and looked back at the road. "It just would have been nice if you'd asked, is all."
Claire huffed and looked out of the window in front of her. Bender kept driving, eventually pulling up to a stop sign at a four-point intersection and making a left hand turn. Claire looked over at him, panicked. "You didn't use your turn signal."
Bender scoffed. "There wasn't anyone there."
"So? You still have to use it."
"She's right. It's a law."
Bender looked in the rearview mirror. "Shut up, Brainiac."
"Would you keep your eyes on the road!"
Bender looked over at Claire again, irritated. "Would you shut up!"
"The road!"
"I see it!" He looked back at Claire again. "I see it, okay? It's right in fucking front of me!"
Claire closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the seat. "God, I'm going to be in so much trouble if this car gets wrecked."
Bender sighed angrily and looked back at the road in question. "Don't worry. I'm not going to wreck your Daddy's precious car."
Claire sat up straight, eyes open again. "I just need you to be really careful, alright? This isn't a joke."
"Good, because I'm not laughing."
"Shut up, John."
"No, you shut up! You're driving me up a fucking wall."
"Just keep your eyes on the road then and I won't say anything."
Bender looked over at her, holding her gaze for a good five seconds without looking back at the road. Claire's eyes widened in anger and fear. "You asshole!"
Bender looked back at the road as Claire huffed, rustling in her seat. "You're too close to the right. Get over," she said, voice hard with anger.
Bender clenched his jaw. "It's fine."
"Actually, she's right."
Bender's eyes flickered over the rearview mirror. "Come again?"
Brian swallowed nervously. "Well, you went outside of the yellow lines a couple of times."
Bender glanced back behind him, incredulous. "Was that before or after she grabbed the wheel from me, nearly slamming us into a tree?"
Brian's eyes widened. "Um, after?"
"The road!"
Bender looked back at the road, too angry to say or do anything at that point.
"Would you please use your turn signal!"
"You know, you can actually get a ticket for, you know, um, not using your-"
"The right! You're too close!"
"-turn signal when you change lanes. It's against Illinois State law and-"
"You nearly hit the guardrail!"
"-you can get fined up to one hundred dollars per offense."
"If you scratch the paintjob, my father is going to-"
"Or maybe it's fifty dollars. I can't really remember because it's been over a year since I took driver's ed-"
"-kill me! Get back over!"
"-but I think it's one hundred because I remembered thinking when I read it that one hundred dollars is a lot of money. Of course, it isn't as much as a speeding ticket. By the way, you're going six miles over."
"Slow down! Do you want to get us pulled over? My father would kill me!"
"Well, actually the driver is held responsible for speeding, so technically Bender would get the ticket, but-"
"SHUT UP!"
Bender slammed on the brakes, ignoring the sound of cars honking behind him. "Shut up! Just shut… the fuck… up!" He took a deep breath. "One more word from either of you and I'll sell the car to a fuckin' chop shop and use the money to plant twenty pounds of Coke in Brian's locker."
The car was so quiet that he could have heard a pin drop. Bender didn't look at either of them, but the shocked silence told him enough. He took one more deep breath and removed his foot off of the brake, starting off down the road again. No one said anything for a few seconds until Brian spoke up hesitantly from the back.
"Actually, I prefer root beer."
A/N: Don't worry, Andy and Allison will be back in the next chapter with some adventures of their own. In the meantime, review! Puh-lease?
