Chapter 51
"Aaron. . ." Rossi started but stopped when Hotch took his phone out of his pocket like it had just stung him.
Hotch quickly held out his phone so Chuck could see the call that had come in. "Is that her number?"
Chuck looked at it and nodded quickly.
"Kahlan?" Hotch asked as soon as the call connected.
"Aaron."
He felt his knees wanting to buckle at the sound of her voice, so he sat back down on the hood of his car. "Where are you?"
"Keeping you all safely away from me."
"What?"
"I think I know why I attacked you, and I can't take that chance again. I have to get myself straightened out first."
"Don't do this, Kahlan! God damn it! Tell me where you are!"
She knew he was angry, and she couldn't blame him. "It's not safe for you to be around me right now, Aaron."
"I don't care! Tell me where you are!" The line was so quiet he looked at his phone thinking that she had hung up on him. "Kahlan?" Silence. "Please, Babe! Don't put me through not knowing where you are. I can't handle that again!" He told her and she knew he was on the verge of crying.
"Oh, Aaron. I am so sorry for everything. . ."
"No, Damn it! I don't care how sorry you are. Just tell me where you are!"
Rossi and Chuck looked at each other. They had never seen Hotch mad at Kahlan before.
"I wasn't trying to disappear on you again. I did call."
"Then why didn't you take your normal phone? Were you afraid I'd have Garcia trace it?"
"I don't even know where that phone is, Aaron. Where did you put it?"
Some of the anger left him. "I'm sorry. I put it in my dresser. Just tell me where you are. I just want to talk. I won't try to change your mind." Silence again. "Please let me see you. I need to see that you're ok," Hotch pleaded as his voice cracked from the strain of trying to talk around the lump in his throat. He heard her sigh deeply.
"Alright."
His phone signaled it had received a text. He quickly saw that it was an address and he relaxed a little. "I'm on my way."
"I'll be here," she told him and ended the call.
He shook his head and took out his keys.
"What did she say?" Rossi asked quickly.
"She says she doesn't want to be around me because she's worried about hurting me."
"So she's just gonna stay away? From you and the kids?" Chuck asked desperately.
Hotch shrugged. "She said she needs to figure some things out."
"And you're going to let her?" Chuck asked.
Rossi shot him a look. "Please. You of all people know how she is once she sets her mind to something," Rossi told him. "Let's go and see what we can do to help," Rossi told Hotch as he went to the passenger side of Hotch's car. Chuck moved to get in the back.
Hotch looked at them. "I don't know if she'll want an audience," Hotch admitted, but he knew there would be no stopping Rossi from at least going with him.
"We won't go in unless she wants us to," Rossi assured him.
Hotch nodded and got in and drove to the address Kahlan had provided. He sighed as he pulled up to the motel; he shook his head as he realized she was serious about not going home. He took out his phone and texted her to find out which room she was in and to let her know who was with him. He didn't want to make her mad by surprising her. She texted back the room number, so he figured it was alright if Dave and Chuck joined him, but that worried him a little more. They found her room and before he could even knock she opened the door and moved to let them in.
She smiled sadly at them. "It's probably a good thing you brought back-up," she joked.
"Are you telling me you'll attack him while you're awake?" Rossi asked her seriously.
Her smiled left her. "Of course not! I didn't mean to do what I did! My God, Dave, if you truly knew how bad I felt once. . ."
Rossi stopped her by grabbing her in a hug. "I know, Kiddo. I'm sorry." He patted her back and then held her out at arm's length. "Now what's this about you not wanting to go home?"
She teared up. "I can't. I can't take the chance of hurting one of them."
Hotch went to her. "You didn't do it on purpose. . ."
"What if it had been one of the kids, Aaron?" She asked him as tears trailed down her cheeks. He couldn't stop the look of horror from spreading across his face. He hadn't thought of that. "Exactly," she agreed with his thoughts.
He swallowed hard and tried to put on his work face. "You said you thought you figured out why it was happening."
She nodded and walked away from him. She glanced at Chuck who was trying to disappear into the wall behind him. She bit her lip. "I remember what I did since I left you that day."
"What do you mean?" Hotch asked her softly.
"I killed those men, Aaron." She had to look away from him. "I'm no better than those damn unsubs you all hunt." She took a deep breath and looked back at him and Rossi. The look on her face told them she was full of self-loathing.
"Don't you dare compare yourself to one of them!" Hotch demanded.
"Kahlan, you did what you had to do to stay alive and protect your family," Rossi assured her.
She knew they knew about the men she had killed in Baltimore. "You found them?" She asked Chuck. Chuck nodded. "And you told them?"
Chuck nodded again. "Not to tell on you. I told them because he was so worried about where you were and what was going on. I did it to assure him you were alive and safe."
Kahlan nodded at him. "Did you tell him how I did it?"
Chuck balked. "No!"
She looked at Hotch again, and she could tell Chuck was telling the truth. "What is it; three kills turn a person into a serial killer?"
"Just stop," Hotch told her.
She laughed. "I've killed more people in the last two months than most of your unsubs have, Aaron. Does that sound like someone who you want around your kids?"
"They're your kids, too, Kahlan!"
"We know about the four guys in Baltimore and at least two in Indiana, who else have you killed?" Rossi asked her trying to get the upper hand on the conversation.
"Six isn't enough?" She asked him coldly. Rossi raised his brows expecting an answer. "Two others in Indiana," she told him simply.
"And you killed all of them in cold blood?"
"No!" She yelled. "Well, unless you count Tony," she said sheepishly.
"Kahlan, the people we hunt don't kill to protect themselves or to try and escape being held prisoner by a psychopath," Hotch told her. She huffed.
"So because you've killed those men, and you're feeling guilty over it, you're having nightmares?" Rossi try to figure out what she was telling them.
She laughed again. "I don't feel guilty over killing them. The son of a bitches deserved everything they got!"
"Then what did you mean when you said you figured out why you attacked me?"
"I've awaken the killer in me again. I worked hard to get past the person, the killer, I used to be, but it's back in full force. I can't even look at a stranger without accessing him and figuring out the best way to take him out." She looked at their shocked looks and her guilt over her feelings threatened to engulf her. "I can't trust myself anymore, so that sure the hell means you shouldn't trust me!"
Hotch looked at Chuck, and Chuck looked scared. Hotch felt his own fear rise in his chest, but he wasn't afraid of her. He was afraid what it all meant for them as a family. Rossi looked at Hotch then looked at Kahlan.
"So what do you have to do to get past this?"
"I don't know. I think Demitri screwing with my mind has made it worse than what it should be." She sat down in the only chair in the room and they all saw her tears. "I don't want to feel this way." She hid her head in her hands. "I just want to wake up and find out this was all a horrible nightmare!"
Hotch's heart ached as he watched her. He went and pulled her to him in an embrace. "We'll figure it out, Babe. We have to."
She cried against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Aaron. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just want to love you and the kids. I want us to be us again."
"How did you get past it before?' Rossi asked her.
She looked at him and winced. "I moved to Reliance to be around the least amount of people I could."
Hotch shot Rossi a look of horror. "Well figure something else out," Hotch assured her.
She nodded and pulled away from him. "I'm too scared to go home, Aaron. I can't take any chances with you or the kids."
He looked into her eyes, and he knew he couldn't talk her out of it. "Then I'll stay with you."
She balked. "No!"
"I don't want you to be alone. I won't bother you while you're sleeping," he started. She shook her head. "Kahlan, when I married you I promised to love you for better or worse."
"Yeah, but it's the 'till death do us part' line that scares me right now."
"Please, Kahlan. I want to stay."
She shook her head. "No!" She looked at Rossi. "Dave!"
Rossi cringed. He agreed with Kahlan; he didn't want Hotch to get hurt, but he also knew that Hotch wanted to stay with her. He was torn between whom to side with.
"I'll stay," Chuck piped in.
"What?" They all asked him at once.
"I can at least half-defend myself against her if it comes down to it. I'm also the most qualified to help her through what she's feeling."
Rossi considered it, and he smiled at Chuck. "Sounds good to me." Hotch shot him a look. "What? He's right."
Kahlan looked at Hotch. "If you won't let me stay alone, then he is right, Aaron."
Hotch looked at her pleadingly. "But you said yourself that families stick together."
"That doesn't count when one of the family members could be a threat to the safety of the family."
"Hey! I'm family!" Chuck told them with a small smile.
Kahlan looked at him and chuckled, then she looked back at Hotch. "I called the kids before I called you. I told them I needed a few days to work through some stuff and they understood. I also promised to call them every morning and every night." Kahlan told Hotch. He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. "Aaron, I don't want to do this, but I have to. I know that this is just adding to your misery, and it's just one more thing I'm putting you through. . ." Her eyes watered.
"Stop," Hotch started as he pulled her into a hug. "What did you tell me? Stop apologizing for something you have no control over."
"But I should have control over it," she told him as she pulled away from him. "I can't stand knowing I have no control over my own mind!"
Hotch realized her alpha was just as mad as his was over not being the one to help his wife. He pulled her back to him. "We'll get through this."
She hugged him back. "I know."
"Yeah, just think of all the making up you'll be able to do once all this is over," Rossi told them with a smile as he tried to lighten the mood.
They both smiled at him and then each other. "You better go," she told him reluctantly.
"If we don't get a case, I'll be back tomorrow night," he told her in a tone that didn't leave any room for her to argue.
