Chapter 53: Guilt
"Bigfoot is just a big overgrown baby you know. He likes to dance, believe it or not."
"Wait? You know?" She asked. She nearly jumped to her feet again.
They were sitting at the table now, just having finished cleaning up. Nina was eating leftovers, he had decided he'd rather not eat at all. His stomach was pleading with him for food but he didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of his new owner. The last time he ate it had ended badly and he had a feeling it would end badly here too if he tried. He took to sipping at his coffee and it seemed to quell the worst of his stomach pain.
"I haven't seen him myself but my friend did. He always seems to attract the weirdest things. He usually tells me about them or else I'm the one who has to help him find a way to overcome them" He took a sip of his coffee. To think, he was never going to help Courage again...
Nina's eyes had all but lit up. "That's so cool! You've got to tell me everything!" She was practically in his face again.
And for the next hour or so he told her everything. Every last misadventure, every strange encounter. If the dog had told him about it he told it to her. He was surprised to find a terrible sense of regret welling up inside him. What was he doing abandoning Courage?
No, he had a new home now! Forget Courage!
Nina enjoyed every last second of it, taking in whatever he said with a belated reverence. She laughed, she asked questions, and above all, she listened. He wasn't used to such a thing. He wasn't used to having someone enjoy his presence and hang on to his every word. He knew for a fact that Courage didn't like having to put up with his talking. This girl actually wanted him to speak and it was so strange to him. It was so unlike all of his other owners...
"So then I told him he had to lick the fungus!" He laughed. "You should have seen the look on his face! It was priceless! I wish I had taken a picture because if I had arms, that is the sort of thing I'd hang up on the wall!"
That nagging sense of regret struck him again. He wasn't ever going to see that attic again, he wasn't ever going to save Courage from the even the most stupidest threats again...
"Sounds like you two were pretty close." Nina said, causing him to nearly choke on his coffee.
"Hardly!" He spat. "That stupid twit never cared about me! He only needed me for my help!"
"That didn't seem to be the case before. He's really worried about you, you know. He practically burst into tears when I told him I didn't know where you are."
He found himself shifting uncomfortably but then he buried his guilt. "It's his own fault! If he really cared he wouldn't have cracked my skull open!" He spat bitterly.
None the less, he quickly found himself wresting with his own feelings. It didn't take him long to start having doubts about all of this. He couldn't just abandon Courage. He was his frie...well, wasn't so sure anymore.
He had seen what that illness was like for Courage when he had gotten sick. The final stages of the disease were just like that, only worse. He couldn't leave the dog to that fate. He'd been so nice to him lately too...
He wasn't sure if anything Courage had said lately was true and while his cynical side was utterly convinced that the dog was lying, he still felt an overwhelming need to stick by his side. Courage was where he belonged, Courage was his only real friend. This girl was nice but he was only a 'robot dog' to her, he was a pet first and a friend second. Courage saw him as an equal, not just a talking computer with a bad attitude, like so many of his other owners had. He wasn't sure why, but after both the events of the forest and the old abandoned house he now felt a strange sort of loyalty to the dog. Perhaps he had always been this loyal to him. There were plenty of times he could have betrayed the dog and left him and his family to their fate but he never had. He enjoyed giving Courage trouble but he wasn't heartless. He could never...
What was he doing? This was about the most heartless thing he could do...
Courage would never abandon him and yet here he was doing exactly that to the dog. No matter how much they disliked each other, if something had happened during all those years they had worked together he would have saved him just like he would have done for Muriel and Eustace. It was just the kind of person Courage was. It was how he made friends with all the people who opposed him. It was how he won over even the most cynical monster.
Was this really how he wanted to live out the remainder of his life? Wouldn't it be better to use what little life he had left doing something that he would be appreciated for? If he continued to live here he'd simply cease up and die one day. If he helped Courage he would at least be remembered for something.
The very least he could do was go talk to the dog. He couldn't leave him wandering around looking for him all day. Part of him feared the prospect of going near the dog again but he knew he was only being overly distrustful. It was an ingrained habit after all, and he had every reason to be distrustful of his owners. His fear could not be helped though, he'd have to overcome it just like everything else. He'd use this little talk as the deciding factor. Whatever Courage would say, however he would act, this would prove how he really felt and if he could really be trusted.
As much as he hated it, he could not forget all the kind things the dog had done for him. He had no idea if any of it was true but he desperately wanted to believe it was real. For all the time he had spent with Courage over the years he couldn't help but be convinced that the dog was as kind as he seemed. If Courage was really cruel he would have thrown him after the whole Mega Muriel thing. And even more importantly, he didn't think of think of him as a broke, useless computer despite all the evidence to contrary. He wanted his misconceptions about the dog to be wrong. He wanted to be able to trust him.
On the other side of things, he didn't want to give this up. He was happy here. He could not abandon Courage but he didn't want to leave this either. There were so many thing to do, see, and learn as an organic creature. He had a truly kind owner, someone like the dog's Muriel. He'd never get bored here like he was as a normal computer. He didn't have to sit up in a dreary old attic all day.
For the first time a deep resentment ran through him. Why couldn't he have been born a normal person? Couldn't somebody else have taken his place as some stupid sentient machine? No, this was not something worth resenting, he realized. He wouldn't have been able to appreciate this if he had been born a human. He'd be taking it all for granted right now just like everyone else.
How would Nina react if he suddenly took back his offer to be her pet? Would she get angry? Would she try to stop him? Maybe she'd understand?
He dug his paws deeper into his chair. Nina had been talking for several minutes now but his mind had been in a completely different place the whole time. He needed to make his choice soon. He wished he could keep living here for just a few more day so that he could really get to enjoy it, but he knew that it would be cruel to Nina to leave after just a few days and Courage wouldn't keep looking for him forever. He also knew that if he stayed longer he'd probably never want to leave. It was better to go now before he truly got to loving this place and would have to force himself to leave.
Perhaps he really was misjudging Courage. He had tried to stay up with him last night purely out of friendship. He didn't have to do it for him and yet he had. He had put up with his snippy attitude and stuck with him even as he pushed him away. Could that really have been a lie?
He had listened to him back in the forest, hadn't judge him for being weak, he had even been sympathetic. He had helped him pull through the worst of memories and even helped him try to overcome them once and for all. He didn't mind his incredibly unpleasant personality and didn't ask him to change either. He didn't think of him as useless even when it was painfully obvious that he was. He had stayed with him even when he knew he was going to get yelled at for it. Courage had put up with the worst of his personality and yet he had somehow found some good beneath it all.
He had promised the dog that he'd be kinder to him from now on, as a payment of sorts, or perhaps even as an apology. It was the least he could do for him, but what was he doing now? Abandoning him to his fate, of course! How could he even consider being so cruel? Didn't Courage deserve better than that?
He knew what was coming, the thing with the well wasn't going to be pleasant. He'd pull through for Courage and perhaps he'd appreciate him for it in the end. It would be his apology. Yes, this would be his way of apologizing for being such a despicable 'person', if he could even be called a person. This was the only way he could make it up to the dog for all the years of mistreatment he had given him.
"Are you okay?" Nina asked, waving a paw in front of his face. "You've been zoned out forever now."
"I..." His ears began to droop without him realizing it. "I'm just a bit tired, that's all."
"You can take a nap if you want." She replied. "I'm not going to need your help with anything right now."
"Sorry but..." He stopped himself. How on earth was he going to say this? "I think I might leave after all. I don't think I've completely made up my mind yet but I'd like to talk to my friend first. If I stay here I'm pretty much abandoning him and I'm not sure if I'm completely willing to do that yet. Once I talk to him I'll figure out what I want."
He had expected her to be angry or at least upset, but she was not. "Are you sure?" She asked. "I don't want to keep you here if you have a home to go back to and I'm sure your family would miss you a lot. Don't you at least like it here though?"
"W-wha?" He asked in surprise. He shook his head. "I do like it here! It's just that my friend is sick and I promised I'd help him. If I stay here he would die. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if I let that happen."
"So that's what this is all about? Why didn't you say so sooner?" She asked. "I especially can't keep you here if your friend is sick."
"I didn't think it mattered." He admitted. "We got into a fight last night and I decided to run away. The more I think about it the more I realize it was a stupid mistake to make. I don't think he actually meant any harm and..."
"It's okay." She interrupted, raising a finger. "After you help him, do you think you could come back?"
He glanced downward. "I don't think so...sorry. I really wish I could but I don't have much time left and the dog needs me. Twits will be twits after all..."
She smiled. "I think you've already made up your mind."
"Perhaps..." He sighed. "But perhaps not. I would like to stay here for a little while longer though. I'll talk to him later but until then I want to keep being your 'robot dog'." He caught himself smiling again but didn't bother to stop himself this time.
"I'm glad! You can keep telling me about all the weird stuff you and your friend have seen!"
"Wait..." He muttered, a thought crossing his mind. "I can't get to my real body right now but the dog has written about all the weird stuff that has happened to him. I have it all stored on my hard drive and if you can get past his terrible grammar you might like it. I'll see to it that he eventually gets you a copy."
"Really? J-just how much stuff is on there?" She asked in awe. She almost seemed to swoon at the prospect having so many first person accounts of the supernatural.
"Tons! I'm the one who had to sit through him writing it!" He replied unenthusiastically. He cringed the thought of it. Every time Courage updated his memoirs it was an exercise of patience for him. The dog was a terrible writer and he almost couldn't stand to have such atrocities sitting on his hard drive. It was the only way Courage kept him updated on the recent going-ons though.
"So what did you mean when you said you didn't have much time left?" She asked, surprising him.
"Oh, well..." He shifted uncomfortably. "All machines eventually break down just like all you flesh creatures eventually die. One of my old owners broke me pretty bad a long time ago. Now I'm falling apart much quicker than normal. It won't be very long before I shut down for good, so I..."
He was cut off as she picked him up and hugged him. He was at a complete loss of words. It was...comforting. It didn't stop the fact that his death was closing in on him but it did help take away some of his fear. Perhaps he was finally beginning to understand what this whole hugging thing was about..,
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She murmured. "I don't know much about robots but if there is anything I can do to help, please tell me!"
He somehow managed to choke out a weak laugh. "I told you already, I'm not a robot! "His voice had become surprisingly strained. "As much as I wish someone could, nobody can help me. It's just the way things are. I got to live far longer than I should have and while it always hasn't been pleasant I am happy to have made it this far."
She placed him back down on the chair. "Hold on just a sec." She said, running off into the lobby.
She returned with a piece of paper. She wrote something down on it and ripped that part off before shoving it into his paws. He glanced down at it and blinked. It was an email address. He looked back up at her, confused.
She smiled. "Don't tell me the self proclaimed 'not a robot' computer doesn't have an email address?"
The truth was, he didn't. He never had anyone to email before.
"You gotta keep me up to date on all the weird stuff that's going on! You can do that, can't you? At least until the end? I wouldn't want you to be alone all that time."
He found himself smiling sadly. "O-of course!"
The truth was, he wasn't even sure he could run his email program anymore. Courage had used it couple of times several years ago doing stupid thing like 'calling' the police through email. He was almost certain his system had degraded to a point where he wouldn't be able to run it properly anymore. Of course, it didn't really matter though, he'd never be able to...
He pushed that thought away before he could finish it. He didn't need his sense of inferiority getting him down too. He wanted to believe that he still had a choice to stay here with Nina but he knew that the choice had already been made, as much as he hated to admit it. He was going back with Courage. The thought depressed him considerably but he knew he was doing the right thing. Courage didn't deserve to die and he wasn't going to do so because of him.
Despite coming to his decision, he was still going to act like he was planning on staying when he finally talked to Courage. He wanted to see how the dog would react. This would be the thing that would finally prove to him if Courage was really genuine in his kindness. He knew it wasn't the nicest thing to do but he would never be able to trust him completely without knowing first.
"Hey, do you think you could do something for me?" Nina asked, pulling him out of his thoughts yet again. "Your a computer so maybe you can help me with ours?"
"What's wrong with it?" He asked.
"I'm not sure but me and dad are not really that good with computers. It hasn't worked correctly for almost as long as we've had it. I only really use it for emails myself."
He almost could have laughed. "You have no idea what sort of horrors we computers have to face in the hands of inexperienced users. Trust me, I know from experience."
"Can you teach me how to use one?"
"I can try but hopefully you're a better learner than someone else I know..."
"Good! I promise you can have as much coffee as you want if you do this!"
They finished breakfast and she led him into one of the rooms. It housed a computer that was somehow even more ancient than he was. He couldn't even recognize the brand!
He hopped into the chair and got to work. It almost took ten minutes for the machine just to get to the desktop. Part of him just wanted to put the poor thing out of its misery. He could almost sense the thing begging for death. It was so old he wasn't even sure how it was working anymore. This grandpa of a computer was showing him up!
"Oh boy, this thing doesn't even have anti virus..." He muttered weakly.
"Is that bad?" Nina asked.
"This is going to be a lot harder than I though..."
Looking through it a bit he realized just what terrible shape it was in. He was already considering doing the dreaded 'reformat'. It seemed like that was the only thing he could do to get this poor computer running at proper speeds again.
"Ugh, I hate to break it to you kid but I think your dad knows the true meaning of rule thirty four..."
"Rule what?"
"Never mind, you don't want to know. Oh for the love of...it's taking up half the space on here! Your dad has one heck of a por...DON'T LOOK" He yelped, nearly falling out of the chair trying to push her away. "That's it! This computer isn't salvageable! I'm reformatting it!"
What he really wanted to do was smash the thing to pieces and pour holy water on it...
What was that one thing with the girls and the cup doing on here!
The girl didn't seem to understand why his mouth seemed to be progressively dropping further with every click. He had traversed some of the seriously darker parts of the internet back in his day but her dad was into some seriously weird crap...
"What's reformatting?" She asked.
"It'll get this computer working again." He replied, glad for an excuse to pry his eyes away from the screen. "Your dad doesn't know anything about computers right?"
"Not a thing."
"Good! First thing I'm putting on here once the formatting is done is parental controls. Hopefully he never figures it out..."
He hated to think what kind of viruses were probably eating this machine alive right now. Reformatting it was practically a mercy kill at this point.
"Don't worry gramps, it will all be over soon." He said to the machine as he initiated the reformat. "Soon you won't have to remember any of the horrors you've witnessed."
"You look like your about to hug the thing. It's just a computer you know."
He glared at her.
"Oh! Sorry! I forgot!"
"Whatever..." He sighed.
"You two look like your having a touching moment. Do you want me to leave?"
"Ugh, it's fine!" He grumbled.
"So, do you think you could make her a girl computer now?" She asked
"W-WHAT?" He gasped, whipping around.
"Can't you make her talk like you?"
"N-no! Of course not!"
"Why not? Can't you do whatever it is that makes you able to talk?"
"I'm not sure why I can talk and I certainly can't do it to another computer. Besides, I technically don't have a gender anyway, much less grandpa over here! He wouldn't be a girl even if he could!"
"Yes he would! And you seem like a guy to me! "
"A masculine personality does not equal gender! If I had my real body here all I would have to do is change my voice and you wouldn't even know the difference! Machines don't have genders!" He crossed his arms. "Especially not girly ones!"
"I don't think you'd make a very good woman anyway..." She said trying not to laugh.
His eyes narrowed. "Just don't get any funny ideas, kid!"
"But I thought you said gender doesn't matter?" She asked, laughing. "You wouldn't have a problem turning into a girl since you aren't technically a guy either. You would do it for me, wouldn't you?"
"I don't want to be a girl, thank you very much! You can keep your dolls and your ponies and your whatever else to yourself!"
"Awww but having another girl around would be nice! You'd make a terrible girl but a girl is still better than a boy! You can't make this computer talk and you don't want to change genders either so I'm stuck!"
"And I plan on keeping it that way!" He yelled. "Ugh, flesh creatures!"
"Ugh, computers!" She groaned at the same time. "All I wanted was another girl to talk to and all I get is Mr. Grumpy Robot over here!"
He crossed his arms. "Better a grumpy robot than a girly machine!" He argued back.
End Of Chapter
