Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.
Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...
Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.
It was nearly eight as Olivia checked the time yet again. She'd spent the afternoon checking out everything around her home as Elliot took a nap and then when he was awake, she did the same thing again, this time taking him around with her.
"It's not going to make her come any quicker, Liv," Elliot said, looking up from the PS3 game he was playing with Dickie.
"Who?" she asked, feigning ignorance.
"Casey, she'll get here when she gets here, you staring at the clock won't make a difference," he said with a chuckle and she glared at him. "Sorry," he apologised quickly.
"Who says I'm waiting for Casey?" she asked, folding her arms.
"Well, it's just that you've been up to the nursery door four times in the last hour, you've looked up at it a dozen times in the last fifteen minutes and you've been staring at the clock for the last five minutes," he explained, putting down his game controller and padding over to her.
"Ass," she grumbled, gently punching his arm. Trust him to have noticed everything about her, even though his eyes had seemingly been glued to the screen.
"She'll be here soon," he said gently, wrapping her in his arms and kissing her forehead.
"Who'll be here soon?" asked Casey coming in from the kitchen, surprising them.
"You!" they said in unison.
"I'm here now," she said, moving to hug and greet them both.
"So you like?" she asked, gesturing around the room.
"Yes, very much," Olivia said.
"They did a great job," Casey said. "Mo's amazing."
"Yeah, she is," Elliot agreed proudly.
"So, can we go and see it now," Olivia asked impatiently. She didn't want to be rude but she knew if she didn't see the nursery soon she'd burst.
.
Casey drew a big breath and Olivia cringed, she knew she wasn't going to like what came next.
"I'd love to show you but I promised Don I'd wait for him, he's got his surprise in there and it's only fair he's here when you see it," she explained, rubbing Olivia's arm.
"Well, what time's he getting here?" she asked impatiently.
"He's about ten minutes away," Casey said and Olivia sighed deeply.
"Well, we can wait," Elliot said, wrapping his arms around his wife and kissing her head. "Can I get you a coffee, Casey?"
.
Don's ten minutes extended to forty seven and Olivia had counted every one of them, twice. By the time he's car pulled up outside the house, she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
'Damn hormones', she chastised herself.
After Don entered the house there were a few awkward moments before Lizzie couldn't handle it anymore.
"Sorry, Don," she said, tugging his arm towards the stairs. "But if Livvy doesn't see the nursery soon she's going to explode."
"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" he said, heading up the stairs with everyone else following him.
"Don't you need the crutches?" Elliot asked Dickie as he hobbled over to the stairs.
"Technically, yes," he replied but, as Elliot went to retrieve them, Dickie pulled his arm. "You could help me instead," he suggested quietly and Elliot smiled as he wrapped his arm around his son's waist, pleased his growing boy still needed his old man for some things.
The girls were waiting impatiently by the nursery door as Dickie and Elliot finally caught up with them.
"After you, Liv," Casey said, turning the door handle and pushing open the door.
Olivia stood stunned at the baby paradise in front of her. Painted in varying hues of blue, the nursery was decorated with fluffy white clouds across the sky blue ceiling, a feature wall containing a mountain, forest and an array of characters painted throughout, mobiles and pictures scattered about and the wooden furniture accentuating the look of a serene baby haven. All in all the nursery was a fairytale dream.
"It's beautiful," murmured Olivia moving in to take a closer look at the mural. She smiled seeing the artwork up close; many of the woodland creatures had the familiar faces of those around her. She could even see the faces of Fin and Munch in the two eagles soaring above the trees.
"You've done an amazing job, Casey, thank you so very much," Elliot said, embracing and kissing her.
"You're welcome," she replied, smiling proudly. "It was a work of love."
Olivia turned around and hugged and thanked Casey too before Don cleared his throat.
"Olivia, Elliot," he began moving to a sheet draped item near the window. "When my wife and I were first married we discussed having a family but sadly it never happened. About five years into the marriage we thought we were expecting and I went down into the basement and excitedly started making this." He pointed to the still unseen item. "As you might have guessed it was a false alarm and I covered it up and tried not to think about it. A couple of times I thought about getting rid of it but never had the heart to do it – I guess it represented a lot of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. When you told me you were expecting, I knew what I had to do – so I pulled everything out of the basement and got to work. I had planned on having another few months, but when Mo told me about having the house ready this week, I knew I had to have this done too. So, Olivia and Elliot, this is for Junior. I hope he brings you joy and happiness and fulfils all your dreams."
.
Pulling off the sheet, Don revealed an immaculately crafted white vintage rocking horse, with a long black mane and tail, complete with red saddle, bridle and reins. Without the words to express herself Olivia burst into tears once more and Elliot cuddled her in close.
"Ah, I think this is Liv's way of saying thank you," he said, offering his hand to his boss. "Thank you so much, Don," he said, his own eyes brimming with tears. "It's an amazing present and an incredible gesture."
"You're both welcome," he said, moving to shake Elliot's hand and kiss Olivia as she mumbled her thanks, the emotion just too much.
.
In bed, later that night, Elliot awoke to find Olivia missing. Figuring she was in the bathroom, he waited for her to return but nothing eventuated. Finally, he climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom expecting to find her there, but it was empty. It took him no time to find her sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery, holding the white teddy the kids had bought her when they had officially moved in, the rocking horse drawn up beside her.
"Everything okay?" he asked, coming to kneel between her legs, his hand resting on her belly.
"Aha," she said quietly, though her face was tearstained.
"Anything you want to talk about?" he asked, rubbing circles over their unborn son.
"Uhuh," she said, tilting her head to look at him.
"Anything I can do?" he asked, trying to figure out what was going on.
"Kiss me," she whispered and he knelt up and obeyed her instruction.
.
Several long leisurely kisses later, Olivia rested her forehead on his and sighed deeply.
"You ready to come back to bed?" he asked and when she nodded, he stood up and wrapped his arm around her, leading them back to their room.
Nestled deep in their bed once more, Elliot wrapped himself around his wife and held her tight; he wasn't sure what was going on but he knew he always felt better in her arms.
"Love you very much, Livia," he whispered, kissing her head.
"Love you, El," she whispered in return, snuggling as close as she could get.
.
Before long, Olivia had drifted off to sleep and Elliot could only lay there and wonder what it was all about.
XXX
Elliot's week of treatment had been uneventful, for the most part, and done in the comfort of their new home. Initially, he had argued with Olivia to go back to the apartment in Manhattan as the house was meant to be a symbol of a fresh, post-cancer start, but Olivia had convinced him that being here - in this house, already so full of love, was the perfect place. The girls had been scarce most of the week, giving them time and space. Dickie was never far from the sofa, he had told his dad and Olivia that he'd stay in the apartment for the week if they wanted but Elliot had been firm in his response; his son was going to remain under their watchful eye and hopefully have a complete recovery.
.
By the Thursday night, Elliot was feeling restless and overwhelmed by the unknown. While he had tried to remain calm and not let anyone into his growing fears, it ended when he snapped at Lizzie at dinner when she had accidently knocked over her water. Reduced to tears, Lizzie left the table and the others all stared at Elliot. His snarled comment of 'just how fucking stupid are you?' was so unexpected and uncharacteristic they were stunned.
"Where are you going?" he asked harshly as Olivia stood up.
"To see our daughter," she replied sharply, walking out. With nowhere else to look the other three turned their attention back to their dinners.
.
For all Olivia's apologising, consoling and hugs, she couldn't get Lizzie to change her mind about rejoining them for dinner. Instead, she conceded and let Lizzie go up to her room, but not before making her promise to come and eat something before she went to bed. Returning alone, Olivia glared at Elliot before resuming her meal.
"Lizzie alright?" asked Dickie, uncomfortable with the tension.
"She will be," said Olivia, assuring him with a quick smile.
"Is she coming back?" Kathleen asked, looking to the door.
"No, honey, she's gone up to her room," she replied, taking a drink of water.
"Isn't she going to finish her dinner?" asked Dickie. "She barely started."
"No, she said she'd lost her appetite," Olivia reported, never once looking at her husband.
.
After a few minutes of stilted conversation and general discomfort, Elliot pushed away his near full plate and walked out without saying a word. There was only one place he was headed; hating himself for what he'd done.
Softly he wrapped on Lizzie's door and when he heard a 'come in' he cautiously opened the door.
"Liz, can I come in, please?" he asked quietly and she nodded.
Finding her laying across her bed, he sat down beside her head and gently raked his fingers through her shortened locks, the locks she'd cut off in support of him – he felt more of an ass than he had coming up the stairs.
"I'm really sorry, baby girl," he said, emotion filling his voice. "I love you very much and I don't think you're stupid at all."
"Then why'd you say it?" she asked turning to look at him.
"Because I'm having a really bad day and I'm frustrated and everything else and I took it out on you," he said sadly. "I'm really sorry, Liz."
"What are you frustrated at, dad?" she asked, sitting up cross legged in front of him. "I thought you'd be happy since tomorrow's the last day of treatment."
"Yeah, I thought so too," he said, his eyes filling with tears, making Lizzie uncomfortable.
"So, why are you having a bad day?" she probed.
.
Sighing deeply, he took his youngest daughter's hand in his and squeezed it. "I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed by what happens after tomorrow – you know, whether there are more rounds or different treatments or what the test results will be."
"That sounds like being a lot overwhelmed," she said, taking his hand.
"Yeah, I guess I am..." he said, his tears threatening to spill over. "But I should never have taken it out on you. Forgive me, baby?" he asked tearfully.
"Of course, daddy," she said threading her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.
Feeling much better, Lizzie went back downstairs to finish her dinner while Elliot retreated to his bedroom. Olivia didn't think much of it until Lizzie pulled her aside when the others had left the kitchen and explained what had happened with her father. Deciding it may be easier to be out of the house in the circumstances, Maureen took her siblings out to the movies while Olivia headed upstairs to sort things out with Elliot. Their conversation never eventuated as he was sound asleep.
.
Sometime after midnight, Olivia awoke to find Elliot had disappeared and she set off to find him. Eventually she did, sitting on the porch swing out the back.
"Can I join you?" she asked, and he nodded, moving so one foot was on the ground while the other leg was stretched out on the swing. Olivia sat between his legs, with hers on the swing and leaned back onto him. Quickly, his arm surrounded her waist and he kissed the top of his head.
"Lizzie forgives me, do you?" he asked quietly.
"Of course," she replied, rubbing his arm.
"I'm so sorry," he said remorsefully. "For everything."
"Besides for the comment to Liz, else do you have to be sorry for?" she asked, craning her neck so she could look at him.
"Being a mess," he said tearfully.
"Want to tell me about it?" she asked, trying to turn around to look at him properly but he held her in place.
.
For a moment or two, Elliot contemplated the words to use, he didn't want to scare his wife but he owed her the truth.
"I think I'm a bit worried about what happens after tomorrow. We've been so set on this being the last treatment, but from the start they said six to eight cycles and there's the possibility of radiation therapy. Then there's the tests and what those results will be and I'm praying so hard that the cancer's gone that I don't know what I'll do if it's not. I don't want this hanging over our heads any longer than it has too – I mean I want to stop thinking of me and this and start thinking of us and the baby and happily ever after and I guess I've been able to push all this aside over the time but today, after Connie left I just ... I just... well, it started to consume me and I can't think of anything else and...and...and..." he stumbled, not knowing where this particular train of thought was going.
Olivia turned around and wrapped him in her arms and held him tightly until he felt he could breathe once more.
"Whatever the result, we'll get through it, baby," she said gently, placing a kiss on his nose. "I'd love this to be over too, but we'll just deal with things as they come up, okay?" He nodded and dropped his head onto her shoulder. "Okay?" she asked again, needing to hear him agree.
"Okay," he mumbled, his tears stinging his eyes.
"El, baby," she said, lifting his face when she heard the tears in his voice. "Come back to bed and let me hold you... please..."
.
Returning to their room, Elliot climbed into bed while Olivia used the bathroom. After turning off the light, she slid in beside him and wrapped her arms around him, encouraging him to sink further into their bed so he could lie with his head on her breast; the way he found comfort with her in the early days of the illness. The major difference this time was he had to work around the six and a half month baby bump, which he did with ease. When they awoke the next morning they were laying in a similar manner, only their positions were reversed.
"Ready to face the day?" she asked, gently rubbing his chest. He hadn't spoken but she knew he'd been awake the last ten minutes.
"Yeah, I am," he said, more conviction to his voice. "Just have to deal with things as they come and try not to get overwhelmed by the rest."
"That's right, El," she said gently, kissing his hand.
.
When Connie was packing up the last of her things, Elliot sat fidgeting with his sleeve on the sofa while Olivia stared at the painting over the fireplace.
"So, which of you wants to tell me?" Connie asked, locking her briefcase.
"Tell you what?" Elliot asked, looking up at her.
"What's going on? You two seem more anxious today than when we first started," she observed, looking to Olivia.
"I guess we're just a little concerned about what happens from here," he said, looking to Olivia for support, only to find her still staring at the picture.
"Well, you know how it goes," Connie said gently. "Tests late next week, an appointment with Stephen Bainbridge the week after and he'll make the decision as to whether we need more cycles or if everything's fine."
"Yeah, we know all that," Elliot replied, nodding. "It's more the tests and the results...I guess we're wanting this all to be over and we don't know if it will be...or whether any of this has worked, you know?"
"Yes, I know," she said quietly. "Regardless of what I say, you're going to have an anxious couple of weeks, but the prognosis was very good at the outset, the treatment went well, even with the altering of doses and there's no reason to think the worst," she added, patting his arm.
"Thanks, Connie," he replied, taking her hand. "It's meant a lot having you in our corner...I don't think I can express just how grateful we are for everything you've done, not only for me, but for Livia as well."
"You are both very welcome, it's been my pleasure. I can come to the appointment with you and Stephen, to see what's next. If that's alright with you," she said, standing up.
"Oh, that's more than okay," he said enthusiastically, standing up as well.
"Olivia?" Connie called and slowly she turned around. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah," she said, though neither were convinced. "Just want to know how all this turns out."
"I can understand," she said, "Try not to obsess on it – it's not going to change the outcome. Just take it easy and spend some time just enjoying this beautiful home and each other."
.
After Connie departed, Elliot held his hand out and Olivia made her way over to him. Pulling her onto his lap as he sat down, Elliot rubbed her back and pressed kisses on her head. Finally, she looked up at him and he saw the same look in her eyes as she did when he found her in the nursery their first night in their home.
"Wanna tell me?" he asked, kissing her shoulder and pulling her closer.
"I love you so much, do you know that?" she asked earnestly, draping her arms around his neck.
"Yes, I know that," he said, kissing her nose. "And I love you more than anything, do you know that?"
"Yes, I do," she said, nodding.
.
For a few minutes nothing was said, as he rested his head on hers.
"That first night, in the nursery, and right now, you're thinking the same thing; what is it?" he asked, a hand coming up to caress her face.
"That I love you," she whispered, snuggling into him.
"But both times you have looked incredibly sad, is that what loving me feels like?" he asked mournfully and she shook her head.
"No, loving you and being loved by you feels absolutely amazing," she said, trailing kisses across his face.
"Then what?" he prompted, he just had to know.
"Just thinking that loving you is by far the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. It's simple loving you, so simple – I mean you are by far the most beautiful, incredible, sexy, intelligent, loving, protective man I know – how could I not fall in love with you?" she asked, before kissing him again.
"So why's it so hard?" he asked, tears filling his voice and stinging his eyes.
"Because you have completed me – and I know that sounds so corny, but you are the other half of me, the one who has made all my hopes and dreams come true. And I guess, with this thing still hanging over us, I'm more than a little scared that ... well, that, you know ... if things don't go our way... you know..." she tried to explain.
"That I die?" he offered and she nodded.
"Then I'll die too – that it'll be all too hard because you'll have taken the best of me with you. And I don't want to lose you; I don't want you to die. I don't want to live without you. I don't want anything but us together forever and ever," she said, her tears falling at the sight of his.
"I don't want to lose you either," Elliot sobbed pulling her closer. "But promise me, if I don't make it that you'll keep going – keep going for me and for Junior and the kids and most of all for you. You are my world, Livia," he whispered. "And as heartbreaking as it would be for me to have to leave you, it would kill me to know you couldn't go on. Promise me, Livia! Please, promise me," he begged, clutching her tightly.
"Promise you, El," she sobbed into his chest. As much as it would kill her to live without him, she'd promise him the world, the absolute world.
