Disclaimer: Usual disclaimer applies.

A/N: Okay okay... I know for some of you this is like " come one! another one?" I promise it will be the last before we close the curtain to Tripod. Thank you all for your thoughts in the previous short one.

Summary: Hopelessness. Enough said.

Warning: kleenexes be ready I guess?


Chapter 37: To Drown in Hopelessness

Bella POV

"Bella.."

My head snapped towards the voice calling my name now. The gut wrenching look on Edward's face was enough to knock me off my feet.

He needed me.

I covered the distance separating us in a hurried jog and pulled him towards a quiet corner by the window immediately. He was barely keeping upright and I could feel the small yet visible tremor coursing through his frame.

"Sit," I instructed, practically pulling his arms down. He complied silently and slid down to the floor, legs stretched out in front of him wearily.

Oh Shit. Now he was shaking even more. He wasn't going into shock was he?

More than just a tiny amount of panic settled in me and I did the only thing could think of in times of shock.

"Edward? Oh babe..shhh.. shhhh…" I straddled his lap without a second's thought and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, my knees hugging at his sides. Right now, I couldn't care less if we looked like I was riding him, in the open, on the ICU floor no less. I pulled his face into my chest, ignoring the tickling his hair was causing my neck. The tension from an hour ago between Rosie's call and Dr.R's grim news minutes ago had finally come to a head and my baby was breaking apart. Hot tears dampened my shirt as he trembled in my embrace. It didn't take my tears long to find their own way back down my already splotchy face.

************

When Carlisle broke from his trance and whispered Rosie's shocking message to us in the car on the way here, the only sounds I remember after that were screams. Wails to be exact. Esme's and mine. Perhaps even Edwards' and Emmett's. We were hysterical. I didn't know how we managed to arrive at the center in one piece, or carried our shell shocked bodies up to the ICU floor. What did I expect to find? Honestly, I expected to find a wailing Alice and a wailing Rosie in Jasper's room. Instead we found them huddling close together in the waiting area, seemingly waiting for us.

For some reason, I saw red. My best friend had just died, his body wasn't even cold yet and they left him ALONE!?

And then Alice said.

"He's alive!! I…I'm…m sorry!"

Wha..the Fu..!!!

I felt as though we had been electrocuted with a 1000 KW live cable. I could have sworn I saw my heart pop out of my chest cavity and felt splat on the floor, painting the sterile white tiles in Pollock style streaks. When I recovered from that 0.05 seconds later, I was vividly visualizing strangling the blubbering fool of a woman standing not 20 inches away from me, my murderous hands clasped tightly around that slender milky neck of hers that Jasper supposedly loved. It was that or my own brain matter exploding in front of my eyes, from the influx of emotions bombarding me in rapid succession – anger, relief, sadness, worry, rage. I thought I was going mad. She had Esme to thank for because the poor woman practically collapsed on the floor upon hearing Alice's exclamation.

The last time I saw Emmett lost his cool was that afternoon when Rosie discovered Jasper's brooch in Emmett's stash and promptly went on a witch hunt. If the time hadn't been so intense and emotional, I would have rather enjoyed watching the tearing apart of one Rosalie Hale again this morning by Emmett fucking hurricane Cullen. Right after Esme collapsed and it dawned on everyone that Jasper was still with us, he was blazing with rage. Rosie and Alice practically cowered behind each other as Emmett tore at them. The hurricane calmed down a little bit, long enough for them to shed some truth regarding the misinformation. I must have still been dazed from the whole experience because I could only hear disjointed phrases spewing from Alice's mouth.

Jasper – seizure – choked on vomit. Stopped breathing. Alice screaming – Jasper – dead. Alice losing it – Rosie losing it. Rosie screaming Jasper's gone – Jasper's gone into the phone – Carlisle. Resulting chaos ensued.

Seethe. Stew. Boil.

If I had thought the explanation was enough to dispel the negative excitement buzzing in the air, I was wrong. Hurricane Emmett blew up almost immediately again.

"But why in the Fuck did you not answer the phone!!!??" His face was red with rage and he looked just about ready to eat both Alice and Rosie. Even though I wasn't the one in dire danger of being eaten alive, I flinched at his tone nonetheless. And just when I thought things couldn't get any more exciting, the Schhwing sound of Rosie's wolverine claws startled me and it took a swipe of her sharp talons to cut Emmett down. Idly I thought, they were really made for each other.

"I just saw my brother, her fiancé have a fucking scary seizure and choked on his own vomit okay?!! What do you want from me?!! I'm sorry! We're sorry okay!! Did you think we enjoyed watching Jasper like that??! Did you?!!!" Rosie was a force to be reckoned with when she was angry, but even through her eye popping, ball grabbing performance; I could see she was shaking like a leaf. She had been scared to pieces just like we all were.

If moments ago I had been intent on hunting them down and killing them myself, now, now I just felt dreadfully sick inside.

Away from this horrible, horrible confusion and the chaos and drama it may have caused this morning, the underlying truth was plain to see.

Another setback.

Just when we'd begun hoping for Jas to get better.... I just, I just didn't know what to expect anymore. If I should even expect anything good to come out of this. I felt awful thinking the way I was now, but it just seemed to me that hoping was… Futile. That there would be no end to this injustice and suffering to Jas or us.

Was it cruel of me to think that maybe, maybe Jas was better off…dead?

How much more suffering did he have to endure? How much more of this should we 'force' him to take? If the emotional pain we were feeling was quantifiable, I couldn't imagine the magnitude of suffering he was carrying – his and ours. If I felt let down by this setback, how much more let down he must be.

I really didn't know how long I could continue watching him face one obstacle after another. My best friend didn't deserve this. He didn't…

Our little family show was interrupted by Dr. R's appearing from behind the ICU doors, greeting us once more, looking grim and sorry as ever.

"Sorry to have scared you all like this.. Jasper is….stabilized. He's breathing – on his own. He's not conscious though. We need to take him down to have a CT and MRI scan done urgently, but I get the feeling you'd all like to see him first?" he said calmly. From the look on his face, I knew he knew how tense everyone was.

Like a herd of cows, we shuffled into Jasper's room wordlessly.

To say that the emotion in the room was thick the moment we stepped in was understating it. Seeing Jasper lying on the bed, his cheeks and lips still pink with life, the monitor beside him beeping loudly indicating his steady heart rhythm, his chest visibly rising and falling; knowing that he was still with us – was a huge relief. But at the same time, there was also this heavy feeling anguish looming over everyone. I was practically gasping for air.

At first I thought maybe it was only me feeling this way.

And then I noticed how everyone had tears running down their faces as well.

We were all drowning in this sea of Hopelessness. We were all drowning

We only had 10 minutes with Jazz before he had to be wheeled out. After that we were back at the waiting room counting the hour, minutes and seconds until we got some more answers.

************

Edward POV

It must have been an hour or so later when we saw Dr R again. Dad urged the girls to take Esme to see Jas before he allowed the doctor to begin. I couldn't agree more with his decision; after this morning's chaos, I didn't think mom could handle any more bad news right now. I didn't think I could handle much more of her heartbreak.

Dr. R was succinct in his delivery. I guess taking a look at everyone; he probably thought it best to just lay it out to us plain and simple.

The news was devastating. To say the least. But I was still reeling from the shock of this morning's confusion that I managed to stay oddly calm while listening to the doctor's blow by blow of Jasper's latest health hurdle.

"The CT showed evidence of subarachnoid hemorrhaging. It's highly likely that could have caused this last seizure. We're not entirely sure if it's linked but the recent inflammation could have caused injuries to some of the vessels and contributed to this."

Subarachnoid hemorrhaging was a form of stroke wasn't it? Did that mean Jasper had a stroke? At 23?

"He doesn't have a history of aneurysm in the family does he?"

We shook our heads, only because none of us were fucking sure. I made a note to ask Rosie about her family later. It could be lifesaving. Damnit – why hadn't we thought of that before?

"I'll find out." Dad said tightly.

"Thank you, background medical history would really help. The hemorrhage does seem to be localized to his midbrain area – and I've been told in many cases, it's a distinct pattern for nonaneursymal SAH, if it is that, the prognosis for recovery is already extensively better."

"The immediate concern though is the hematoma. I've consulted with Dr Armstrong and Dr Mehta, they're both specialists at what they do; we think the best option is to go for it immediately,"

"Excuse me, go for what?" Emmett butted in and then glanced worriedly at dad and me.

"There's a blood clot in his brain from where the bleeding was; we want to go in and remove it, and repair the weakened blood vessels."

The look of consternation in Emmett's face was obvious. I knew mine probably mirrored his.

"Surgery? What about his condition? Is he even strong enough to undergo a major operation right now?"

I glanced at dad. I had expected him to agree to Dr. R's suggestion without as much as a query.

"I understand your concerns. While he is unconscious, his vitals are strong. Considering his age, the location of the clot and the fact that it's causing seizures, I strongly believe that this is the best approach we should take. In all honesty, the prognosis could get worse the longer we wait."

The look on dad's face now was painful to see. He was torn. I could understand his worries. On the one hand, a brain hemorrhage was a serious thing and the faster they could address it the better the outcome, at least that's what I felt about the matter. With Jasper being in the state he was in right now, the signs could have been easily missed. What if there was another rupture, a massive one even? He could have permanent brain damage or die without us even knowing it. Just the idea of him dying silently in his sleep while we were there made the hairs on my body stand. On the other hand, dad was also right – he wasn't really in the best of health to undergo a major operation, strong vital signs regardless. He was vulnerable to infections and bleeding. The odds of him dying from either was fairly even.

"Can I speak to my sons for a minute?" He said to Dr. R just then. I was sure the look of my surprise on my face didn't go unnoticed. I caught Emmett's 'give dad a break' look at me. In other words, he was telling me I was being an ass. To think I still hadn't apologized properly to him for that huge blow up after Jazz's first seizure. Yet another box to tick in my growing checklist. We moved a little away from Dr R.

"What do you boys think?" He looked at either of us intently. Emmett was just as surprised as I was that dad was seriously asking for our opinion. He raked his hair.

"I don't think you should be asking for my opinion in this dad. What do I know of things medical? Nada." Emmett said bluntly. A snort escaped me unintentionally.

"Yes, but you know your brother. What do you think he would have wanted?"

I shifted my gaze to Emmett again. What would have Jasper wanted? I threw the question to him silently and watched with quiet interest as the crease between his eyebrows deepened reflectively. If dad had asked for my opinion irrespective of Jas's wishes, it would have been a sticky decision but I would have gone for option 1 for the reason that I felt it was the better risk of the two. But to consider what Jas would have wanted….

"Surgery."

We said in unison. My lips curled at Emmett, glad to know that we had agreed on the same answer. Jas was a tactical player, but in the last 8 months of dealing with cancer, he practically charged at it like a bull instead of pussy footing around it cautiously. Why would he start now?

A somewhat relieved smile appeared on dad's wearied face.

"Somehow I thought so too," he uttered, releasing a loud breath as he slapped my shoulder resolutely. Decision made, we shifted our attention back to Dr R once more.

"How soon can you do the surgery?"

************

The surgery would take place in 5 hours time. They could probably slot Jasper earlier but Dr R wanted only the best hands to work on Jas and he was only available after that time frame. We couldn't complain. It would give everyone time to be with Jas in the meantime.

With the decision made, Dr R left us once again. Dad disappeared to go in search of mom. Emmett too went looking for Rosie and Alice. Dr R had kindly relaxed the rules for us so we could all be in the room with Jasper instead of going through the usual two people rotation. I watched silently at Emmett's back as he passed through the ICU door.

I stayed behind. Now that the information was finally sinking in me, the familiar feeling in my chest returned. With the shock now worn off, the underlying emotion came to the fore. Bleak. Hopelessness. No chance of winning.

Give up. Just give up.

I wanted to go and see him, but it seemed traitorous to go in there and urge him to continue fighting when I was feeling this way. What if he could feel our negative vibes while he was stuck in his semi coma? No, I couldn't do that to him.

I looked up at the doors again, and caught the familiar brunette hair and milky porcelain skin appearing from behind them.

"Bella…"

************

Bella POV

"You feeling better babe?" I asked rubbing circling motions on the back of his hand absently. I was hoping the crying had been somewhat cathartic for him as much as it had been for me. My heart squeezed something awful just looking at the unexpressed pain still etched in those green orbs. But his face looked more at ease than 15 minutes ago. I smiled when he nodded.

"You want to talk about it?"

He started shaking his head, unsure? Hesitant? Worried? That I might judge him? I pulled at his hand.

"It might help. I promise I won't judge you."

I must have hit a raw nerve because his face constricted again and palms flew up to bury the evidence, the shame?

"Edward..love..talk to me,"

"I'm a lousy brother."

Why would he think that? He'd been nothing but amazing in his conduct. He took time off school to be here for moral support for God's sake.

"Babe.. why would you say that? You've been nothing but amazing, supportive.."

"This morning…when dad said.. that he'd died.. I mean I felt pain and sorrow and anguish….but God Bella…"

Guilt flooded his face and mixed with the pain already etched there. It sent a sharp pang of pain into my chest. I wanted nothing more than to take the pain away from him.

"…I also felt a little relieved…." He whispered, looking at me shamefully. As if he'd said something blasphemous out loud.

"… Can you believe that? I actually felt relieved…. how awful am.."

I didn't let him finish. I only knew too well what he was feeling. I only knew too well.

"No baby… It's not awful … It's not! It's not awful to want Jas not to suffer anymore.. you just don't want him to hurt anymore, that's all." I whispered the words to his neck vehemently. He needed to understand what the feeling really meant, I wouldn't allow him to carry this misplaced guilt in him. At my words, his hold around my back tightened reflexively. And I felt the trembling of his lips against my temple as he tried to stave off another wave of tears. The next words that came out of his lips were so laden with hopelessness that it literally blotted all trace of light in me.

"…He's got a hemorrhage in his brain Bella…"

Oh Dear God. Jasper……


A/N: I know.....aargh... Reviews please....