Being Dysfunctional Has Never Been So Much Fun
Short #48: Teeth
"Great white sharks are ambush hunters, surprising their prey from below- and, as you can imagine, their great teeth pack a colossal punch! With a biting force of over eighteen thousand newtons it becomes obvious these sharks are well deserved of their nickname 'white death'."
"Whoa. That's pretty brutal. Heh. They kinda remind me of my lovely big sister. She has the same taste for blood."
"Now, now, don't be rude. I'm sure Eva is much more dangerous than a shark!" said Asumu, giggling as she prodded Rudolf in the side. "You shouldn't underestimate the power of an angry woman!"
"Living with you, Asumu, I never would."
"Hehe~ I see I have you well trained~"
Asumu and Rudolf were curled up on the sofa in their living room watching- strangely enough- a documentary about sharks. It was more stereotypical that a couple would watch a romance movie. However, Rudolf was incapable of sitting through two hour long, overdrawn confessions of love from blithering idiots alternatively throwing an idiot ball between one another without inserting deadpan commentary or sniggering to himself. Asumu herself found movies like that, although 'cute', somewhat annoying.
"Romance movies are adorable- like, really adorable!" Asumu had once said to Rudolf. "They try so hard to make you like them, you can tell that they're trying! It's like, ;do your best!' But… Sometimes I think they try too hard. Then it feels unnatural, and kind of silly. Plus, the ending's always the same! The happy ending gets boring the fiftieth time, you know?"
Oh, how Rudolf knew,
And so, instead of watching a romantic comedy- or anything involving romance at all- the couple were watching a documentary on sharks, as per Asumu's request.
…Asumu was a strange person.
"My, look at those big teeth~"
"All the better to eat you with?" suggested Rudolf.
Asumu giggled. "Hehe~ Awww, sharks are so awesome! Don't you think they're awesome?"
"You're beginning to sound like Battler," said Rudolf, smirking. He then proceeded to put on a high pitched voice that sounded uncannily like his son; "'This is awesome, that is awesome, the world is amazing, what's this, what's this, what am I doing, where am I?' Ahaha… He's such an annoying brat."
Asumu pouted, giving Rudolf another prod in the side. "Don't call your son an 'annoying brat'! He's an angel~"
Rudolf only snorted. If only his mother had said that about him. Battler was lucky having a kind parent like Asumu-
"Whoa! Did you see that? That tuna didn't stand a chance! I mean- that's insane! Really! …I still think Eva's kind of scarier, though."
-even if Asumu was kind of 'quirky'.
"I think I might prefer wrestling with a shark than my dear sister. Sharks typically aren't well versed in martial arts," said Rudolf. "Although, it's kind of strange."
"Strange? What's strange?" asked Asumu, tilting her head to one side.
Meanwhile, in the background, the lovely white shark was tearing more helpless sea creatures to pieces.
"You," said Rudolf, prodding his wife on the forehead. "You're terrified of boats. I kind of thought, by extension, you wouldn't like anything lethal that lurks underwater."
"Sharks and boats are completely different," said Asumu, folding her arms. "Boats make me feel sick and I have to deal with them all the time 'cause your family has to be all eccentric and special with their own private island! The only time I've seen a real shark is at an aquarium, and Yukarin is hardly going to hurt me! I mean, Yukarin let Battler stare at her for five minutes pulling faces and roaring- she was totally harmless!"
Rudolf raised a brow. "Yukarin…?"
"Actually, Yukari, but Yukarin sounds more friendly! Hehe~"
"…You gave the shark in the aquarium a name?"
"Why not? Everything has a name! Just because it's a shark it doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a title!"
"What, so you want to make it a baron now, too?" asked Rudolf, sniggering.
"Don't be silly. Yukarin's a girl."
"Well, I'm not the one who gives names to sharks. But… Yukarin? Really? Isn't that a bit of an… unimpressive… name for a shark?"
"I just think sharks get a bad press!" said Asumu, clapping her hands to her chest. Meanwhile, her eyes seemed to become distant, almost sparkly. "I mean, they're so cool, and there's kind of cute, too! There's a certain elegance about them! Oh my gosh, they're adorable! I want one! Rudolf, Rudolf, Rudolfffff~"
"Asumu Asumu Asumu?"
"If your company ends up being really rich- like super, super omega awesome never work again type rich- then do you think you could buy me a pet shark?" asked Asumu, blinking up winsomely at Rudolf from under her messy bangs. "Maybe you could adopt Yukarin for me! It'd be so cooool- and Battler would be able to boast about having the best pet ever to all his little kindergarten friends! I think having a shark would bring us together closer as a family! Or, if that's too insane, we could always have a pet sting ray… I think I'd call a sting ray Momo… Or maybe that would be unfitting 'cause of the Western name theme in your family, so we could name it after Eva… Or maybe Evangeline! That's a nice name! Or maybe…"
At this point, Rudolf really had to silence the happily babbling Asumu. When she became lost in her own ramblings, she could keep talking for hours, even if nobody else was listening.
Rudolf pressed a quick kiss against her lips- cutting her off mid-sentence- before drawing away, smiling.
"Hey," Asumu pouted, "that's a cheap trick. You didn't even let me talk about the eels I wanted!"
Rudolf couldn't help but laugh at the indignant look on Asumu's face.
She honestly was the most bizarre person Rudolf had ever met. She was deathly afraid of all moving vehicles, yet she found horror movies hilarious, she had a strange penchant for spiders and she gave sharks at the aquarium nicknames and thought they were 'adorable'.
But… it was almost impossible not to smile around her.
Battler was very, very lucky indeed.
And, although this was horribly cheesy to admit… Rudolf knew he was, too.
a/n: I kind of imagine Asumu being all eccentric and quirky and adorkable ;3 I don't know y XD Lolol double update in one day cause I'm bored XD~
