Too much time had passed since Sunny had left Cybertron and that Sunstreaker's life behind. Meeting up with his brother he expected understanding and relief, only to find bitterness and resentment and blame. Blame that was irrelevant.
Because what he'd done to the female, destroying her life, and leaving her behind, really didn't matter at all. Because while she may have hosted Alexis, she wasn't Alexis any longer. And anything he did to her was her own fault. Believing that he was her beloved Suntreaker, depending and relying on him, even caring for him despite the changes she saw that made her doubt was all on her.
He should have died when his brother died. Sunny wished he died when his bond to Alexis severed. His spark felt strange and hollowed out despite the meeting up with his brother after, as if it had been stretched beyond its limit and could never reform.
Sunstreaker loathed this universe. He loathed everyone in it. His recall device had been damaged in the tussle with the blue seeker, leaving him momentarily stuck in a reality that no longer coalesced properly. He had to wait as the module repaired itself. Months had passed, and it was still incomplete. The delicate component took its fragging time as Sunny drudged through the slaggin' excuse for existence.
He drank. A lot. He fought even more. He avoided the Autobots, until that too turned into a violent confrontation that even his brother couldn't keep him from, but had been utterly satisfying. The Autobots no longer bothered them.
Something was definitely wrong with him though. Sunstreaker knew that somewhere deep in his processor, even if he didn't consciously acknowledge the fact. It wasn't because of what he'd done to Alexis, or even to those that got in his way while he was trying to carry out his project. It was because even when he knew it wasn't her, didn't want to see her, or be with her, he still had to know what that Alexis was up to. And with whom. Even when the reports made him feel like his spark had been ripped to shreds, the images of her sending him into bouts of violent outbursts.
He didn't know how Alexis wriggled herself out of this Alexis. All he knew was that she was gone, and he was worse than before.
His brother didn't help. Sideswipe couldn't seem to read him like he once had. Their bond was faint and tenuous and wavering. He never remembered his brother talking so much. Or ever needing to. But they couldn't read each other like they once had, something Sunny realized was all his doing. But he wasn't in the mood to repair their once intimate link.
Sunstreaker didn't have the female. He barely had his brother.
But he had misery. Plenty of misery. She was a companion that nurtured the frantic whispers in his head, helping him plan what he would do next once he found the true Alexis again.
The ideas left him giddy.
"I can't let you do this anymore." Sides found Sunny on their ship's storage bay, deep in the back, sitting on same crates. And as per usual, brooding, because that was something he now excelled at.
"Then leave," Sunny shot out, knowing some complaint was about to leave his brother's mouthpiece.
Sunstreaker had done so much. Survived even worse. And now all he was left with was his brother's constant ebb of thoughts and emotions and words that weren't flowing with his own.
So frag that. And frag him.
"No," Sides replied simply. He came over to sit down beside him, even when knowing he was in that sort of mood. His optics steadied upon him resolute and firm. "If you are waiting for an update on… that female. You aren't getting one today."
"And why is that?" he asked tightly. Delicate systems coiled, his digits folding and crushing one another.
"Because I contacted Jazz and told him to stop."
"You did what?"
"I shouldn't have let you come here. I shouldn't have let you do what you did to Alexis, to this Sunstreaker to…"
"Shut your hole."
He didn't.
"You're making yourself sick... this pursuit of yours, this obsession that…" Sides words fell away. "You did enough to Alexis." He straightened up, his words taking on a hard, definitive edge. "I'm not going to allow you to frag another Alexis' life up as well."
Sunny's mouth took on a twisted smile. "Too late for that."
"No, brother. It isn't." He shook his head. Sadness and discontent and misplaced empathy rolled off his twin in subtle waves.
Sunny huffed. "Don't like what I've done? You forget that because of me you have another chance."
"What good's another chance if everyone around you is suffering."
Sunny wanted to suffer. He wanted to be miserable. He understood those emotions, gave them power over his will and actions. But his brother wouldn't leave him be. And it wasn't until an entire year after his severance from Alexis that he realized he and his brother weren't talking as much as they used to. They didn't need to. Somehow, despite his resistance, some healing had begun.
His brother had grown quieter over the passing year, his thoughts open yet hidden somehow. Sunny would have pressed it, but there was something beyond them he didn't want to identify, another delusion he implemented in order to try to survive.
Things were still messy between them and complicated. They still weren't meshing like times of old. They probably never would. Things had changed. Because of the female. Because of what Sunny had done after he lost his brother. They've both grown in different ways. Sunny more cynical. His brother more assured in a way he couldn't quite fathom yet.
They had buried themselves away on a planet the Autobots no longer visited. Cutting off all communication with the outside galaxy. Sunny was waiting for the recall device to activate. Sideswipe seemed content in reading history books and watching old human movies, the brothers meeting every morning and night for training exercises.
"Do you think you could go back without me?" Sideswipe spoke up one night after they'd finished a rather lengthy survival simulation.
"I can. I won't."
Sides frowned. The holographic environment faded around them, leaving an empty deck from their ship.
"I'm not meant to be alive, Sunny. I can't take this Sideswipe's body and memories and just expect to continue on as if he doesn't matter."
"He was weak. You aren't. You deserve to survive. He didn't." Sunny stated succinctly.
His brother's frown deepened. He walked across the long deck, dragging his pediforms until he sat down on the nearest bench.
He frowned, his expression turning bitterly pensive. "I can't hear him. But I can feel him."
"So what."
"I understand why you did it. I just wish you hadn't," Sunny stated softly.
The words set Sunny off. Anger washed through every subsystem, making him stalk toward his brother with heavy steps. His folded fist banged down on the bench with all his might, hardly making a sound let alone a dent, even as pain shot up through his servo, making his fury ignite hotter.
"You have no idea what I went through when you allowed yourself to get killed." He had visions of those terribly long and frustrating years. Sunny remembered the loneliness, the despair, the unpleasant things he did in order to ensure...
"I do know." His brother quietly spoke, hardly moved by his violent disposition.
"You complain. You whine." His mouthpiece lifted on the side into a sneer. "And yet I know a part of you doesn't mind at all."
"I've always known you were selfish. I just didn't know you were this selfish." Sideswipe spoke deliberately, still unaffected by his brother's anger. They used to have magnificent rows. Lengthy battles. Death had made his brother more tolerant of his flare-ups.
There was something in his brother's tone that should have set him on edge, but only deflated him instead. He slumped down on the bench toward his brother, opting for glaring at him instead of speaking, allowing the turbulence of his emotions to wash over to his twin.
"I think we both need to let some things go."
Sunny knew immediately what Sides was speaking of. Fear and desperation grew within his tank, that deep connection of old reawakening for a momentary glimpse of understanding.
"I won't lose you again."
"And I can't live like this, Sunny." Sides' words were suddenly frantic and expressive, garbled with pain and sadness and a yearning that would never be fulfilled. "I look at what you've become and I see death and tragedy. I look at myself and I see… I see... I know you feel deeply. I know you hurt. But you should have let me go, Sunny. You should have moved on without me."
"Even when you act foolishly like this, you must know that is impossible."
Sides smiled weakly. "Yes, but I wish it weren't."
He was throttled out of his recharge cycle when he felt his recall device come on-line. That familiar tingling sensation spread from his pediforms and lingered near his spark.
Sunstreaker immediately woke his brother up. He was ready to leave, only the device didn't activate. Coordinates tapped out in small beeps within, telling him where he needed to go in order to get a better signal.
He vowed never to go to that Cybertron again. He had no choice though.
"You're remarkably quiet."
"And you're too calm."
"Three hours and we'll be out of here."
"If we can get by Autobot security, somehow manage to land, and reach the provided coordinates."
"We will."
Only their ship decided to act up an hour later, stranding them between two moons. Taking their shuttle they continued to the nearest refill station. Getting their ship's energy cells replaced, they were able to continue on their way, an entire day wasted.
Everything felt off when they stopped at a nearby way-station. But they needed to do some recon before continuing to Cyberton. One of their contacts was meeting them on the promenade.
Only their contact never showed. A couple hours later they found out his transportation vehicle had been destroyed by local raiders. They considered other options.
Sideswipe suggested they contact Optimus for permission. Sunny wouldn't allow it. He was tired of being interfered with and talked down to. What they would accomplish, they would accomplish on their own.
They had other contacts. But waiting for them would delay them getting back. Neither one of the twins had ever been very patient. They got a transmission at the same time they were considering things, a delayed data packet delivered to them from before the raiders jammed outgoing messages.
The provided information was all they needed.
He should have known something was wrong when his brother was suddenly very occupied with leaving the way-station. He wouldn't stop fidgeting. Sunny would have gone as far as saying that Sides was nervous.
"What the slag is wrong with you?" he asked with brittle and steadily rising agitation.
His brother said nothing. As if ignoring him would make the question go away.
What the slag is wrong with you!? he asked again. This time from the safety of their shared link.
Both had been hiding things from each other. Whether about their past or their intentions, there was still blocks between them. So when the image of her flashed through like a downpour of unexpected rain, followed by frustrated silence, Sunny suddenly knew what was up.
His hands curled into fists. His spark began to beat strenuously within its chamber. He hadn't thought about her in so long. He'd buried the memories of her in a place within him that would allow him to function without the constant fury and stress, and repulsive feelings of failure.
"She's here," Sunstreaker heavily stated, knowing it to be true.
Sides turned and stared at him, expressionless.
"You've been keeping track of her, when you told me that…"
"You fragged her over and screwed up her life. I had to make sure she was functioning properly."
"And?" he had to inquire, despite the deep revulsion, and the feeling of betrayal.
Sideswipe's look hardened. His mouthpiece tightened into another one of those frowns Sunny despised. "We should leave."
"Not until…"
"Slag, no," his brother interrupted. He placed himself in front of his brother, shoulders rising with warning. "You will never go near her again," Sides vowed in a hardened tone that wasn't used often, but always merited some attention.
"As if you could ever stop me," Sunny foolishly scoffed.
Side's optics blazed, his mouthpiece setting into a hardened line of hostility. He took a step back in order to stare at him more fully. "Go find her then." His mouth lifted on the side with a form of ridicule and spite. "Explain to her how you used her. How everything you ever did or said, or promised her was because she was an Alexis that was vulnerable, and broken, and so easy to sway. She was the closest you'd ever get to having the other. But you were so blinded by what you believed you deserved that you hurt not just one Alexis but two. You never do anything small, brother? Do you?" He raged in a fit of repressed resentment. "Everything you do, is for you, about you! I don't even think I matter to you. Certainly not when I defy your grand, sick scheme. Why the slag did you bring me here anyway?"
"Because I need you," he revealed in a burst of emotion.
Sides chuckled darkly at that. "Yeah, that's why you kept my away until your plans went awry. Why you make sure that I…" Sides cut his own words off, simmering in angry silence.
"You know what really makes me angry?" Sideswipe spoke up again several long moments later. His gaze hardened all over again. Disappointment, sadness and abhorrent regret poured from him in thick, unblockable waves of displeasure. "I let you do this. Because, you're right. There was a part of me that wanted this too." He frowned with bitterness. "Just not like you went about it. You are one cruel, malicious afthole that sometimes resembles my brother. I don't even think I like you anymore."
With those last words, Sides stormed away from the observation deck, leaving Sunny behind.
Even on the small way-station it took him two days to find his brother again. Despite their bond, despite him always feeling his brother, Sides managed to avoid him for longer than was necessary.
"It's all her fault," he said upon first sighting of his brother. He had thought about what Sides said, and had reached that merited conclusion. "No matter what we went through, we always had each other. Femmes never meant anything to us. Why did you have to…"
"Care?"
"Yes, that," he spat out with distaste.
"I wasn't the only one that did… that still does." Sides' optics dimmed and steadied upon him. His next words came out slow and soft, accentuated by a sharp lilt. "Did you look for her?"
Even Sunny understood how important the question was.
"I thought about it. But no."
"Why not?"
"Because she doesn't matter. Because I have realized that I am free of her." He tried to lie, despite knowing the futility. But while he couldn't lie to Sideswipe, he also couldn't always speak the truth.
Sides laughed shortly at that.
"You're lying."
"Things were better before we met her."
Sideswipe stared at him, his mouthpiece falling low. "Perhaps for you. For me it is like… understanding… a little bit more of myself."
"That's nonsense."
His brother frowned. He vented a deep breath of air. His optics lifted over Sunny, some important decision made. His emotions filled with discouragement and firm resolve.
"Goodbye, brother."
Sunny didn't understand that comment until some unidentifiable tablet folded out of his brother's hand. His recall device was prematurely activated. Everything faded violently away.
When his optics came on-line again, a serrated blade was at his throat panel, someone holding onto him from behind. "Back are you? Good. I have some questions to ask." The familiar vocals of Skywarp chirped cheerfully. "But first…"
Sunny was thrown into his quarters on his ship, the door magnetizing shut behind him. Things looked exactly as he'd left them. He felt discombobulated and numb. He quickly walked across the room, unconcerned that he was trapped or may have been watched. He was plagued with the need to…
A hidden panel slid out from the corner of his wall. The preserved shell of his brother appeared, resting inside a hallowed chamber, still energyless.
His thoughts were empty, and all his alone. That sense of tragic defeat caught up with him. This time it was definitive and oppressive, making his knees buckle as he fell down in front of his lifeless brother in a new form of agony.
He failed. He was alive. He was all alone.
His spark skipped several beats, making Sunny clutch his chassis. A hint of light cascaded upon his head, making him peer desperately upwards.
The optics of his brother flared to life.
