Chapter 49
A/N: This chapter contains the following triggers: self-harm, eating disorders, and thoughts of suicide.
A/N 2: Thoughts are formatted as bold and underlined. Hebrew is in Italics. This is also a LONG chapter.
A/N 3: Neshama means darling in Hebrew.
Ziva looked at the clock on the wall; it was 2:45 pm. She was anxious enough as it was about meeting with Dr. Cranston again and she felt like each second passed by so slowly that even waiting 15 minutes past her appointment time felt like torture.
She began to hear voices in her head,
'She forgot about you. She doesn't care about you. No one does. They all feel sorry for you.'
Ziva stared at the wall with glassy eyes.
'Your father was right. You deserved to be punished.'
Tony noticed her look of emptiness. "Zi? You okay?" She didn't answer or move.
'You are worthless.'
He placed his hand on hers. "Ziva?" He almost shouted. She snapped out of her daze. "What? Nothing." She said.
He crouched down in front of her, "Hey." He lifted her chin in his palm, "It's okay. I love you, neshama." He whispered in her ear.
"Ziva?" They were almost startled at hearing her name called by the nurse.
Tony stood up and took Ziva's hand to help her out of the chair.
The nurse led them into Dr. Cranston's office. She was sat at her desk, going over Ziva's new file information. "I'm sorry for the late start, my last session went over. Thank you for waiting."
She closed the file and turned towards Tony and Ziva. "Oh, I'm surprised Jeth-uh, your dad isn't here. I actually needed to address that. I am going to have to refer you to my colleague Dr. Amanda Winter. I can't treat you due to my daughter being your friend."
She wanted to say, 'My involvement with your father.' But knew that would not go down well.
"She will be here in a moment but I just wanted you to hear that from me before you met her."
Dr. Winter knocked on the door. "Come in, Amanda!" She smiled at Ziva and put her hand on her shoulder. "You're in good hands, Ziva. You can trust her." She mouthed 'Thanks' to Amanda before leaving.
The slender blonde shook both of their hands. "Hi, nice to meet you both."
Tony smiled, "Tony, I'm Ziva's boyfriend. Nice to meet you, Dr. Winter."
She smiled back at him, "Please, call me Amanda. And it's nice to meet you, Ziva. Rachel filled me in as much as she could."
Ziva smiled slightly, not wanting to be rude. "Nice to meet you, too." She almost whispered.
"So…" Amanda sat in the chair that had been previously occupied by Dr. Cranston. She thumbed the pages of the file. "Let's start at the beginning. Tell me about your childhood."
Ziva felt like she couldn't speak, like her small voice was trapped in her throat. Tony put his hand on hers again. "It's okay, sweetie."
She took a shaky breath, "I was born in Israel. My father—Eli—was not a good man. He was what do you call it? A gangster?"
"He was a mob boss." Tony clarified.
"Yes, that. He used to beat me if I did the slightest thing he did not like." She went on to tell Dr. Winter about how she was institutionalized in Israel, she told her about the rapes and her mental and physical issues that occurred from ages 11-15.
"I see here you recently returned from a trip to Israel. You sustained some injuries from an attack?" Amanda was being vague because she wanted Ziva to be the one to talk about it.
Ziva looked down at her feet, "I do not want to talk about that." She said almost inaudibly.
"That's okay, whenever you are ready to talk about it, we will. We're almost out of time, anyway, but I will see you next week, okay?" Amanda spoke to her like she would a child.
Ziva nodded. The doctor shook their hands again before opening the door, letting them out.
On the drive back to Gibbs' house, Ziva was quiet. Tony hummed along to the radio, Ziva wasn't listening to what it was as the voices in her head were louder than before.
'He's going to leave you. You are damaged goods. No one will want you now.'
She stared out the window as a tear rolled down her cheek.
'Why bother going back to school on Monday? You have no friends. Emma just used you because she was bored.'
Tony pulled into the driveway and unbuckled his seatbelt. He got out of the car and opened the door for Ziva. She sat in her seat, still buckled.
Tony shook her shoulder a bit. "Zi? We're home."
She wasn't responding, the voice in her head changed to her father's.
'You are a stupid worthless whore. Pathetic little girl.'
Tony slowly reached around her to unbuckle her seatbelt. Feeling his arm brush her chest, she grabbed his wrist.
Looking down at the wrist she was grasping, she realized where she was. "Tony, I am sorry I was…I am very tired."
He looked at her confused and concerned. "Come on let's get you inside."
He opened the door, letting her enter in front of him. It was only 4:30; Gibbs would not be home for another hour.
Ziva sat on the couch and stared at the television; it was off. Tony put his bag down by the door. "You hungry? We could order in."
Her father's voice screamed at her again.
'You should kill yourself.'
"Ziva?" Tony looked over at her, seeing her staring at the television he could see her shaking slightly. He walked over to her and sat down next to her; waving his hand in front of her face to get her to snap out of it.
He knew what would bring her back. Taking her face in his hands, he kissed her with passion.
Realizing she was kissing her boyfriend, her mind cleared. Tony felt her tongue enter his mouth. He grabbed her messy hair to pull her even closer.
She pulled away slightly. "Tony…" She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Thank you."
She licked her lips a bit as she pushed him down on the couch and devoured his mouth with hers.
The front door opened. "Hey I brought pizz—aaah come on! How do I always walk in on you two?" Gibbs stood there annoyed.
Ziva got off of Tony and wiped her eyes and mouth. "Sorry, Papa." She skipped over to him and hugged him tight. "How was work?"
"Eh, the usual." He looked at Tony, who clearly had something on his mind. "Ziver why don't you go set the table? I need to have a talk with…Tony." He felt weird using DiNozzo's first name.
"Okay." She said before taking the pizza from her father's hands and went into the kitchen.
"Alright, DiNozzo, how was the appointment?" Gibbs sat next to Tony on the couch.
"It went alright. Dr. Cranston had to pass her off to another doc because she's a friend of Emma's. She seemed to take it okay but she's been having these episodes where she'll just stare blankly. Her eyes get all glassy and she doesn't respond when I try to snap her out of it." He ran a hand through his thick brown hair. "I'm worried Boss. Real worried."
In the kitchen, Ziva reached for a glass high in the cupboard. It fell to the floor shattering.
Tony and Gibbs ran into the kitchen upon hearing the sound. They found Ziva in a fetal position under the table muttering in Hebrew.
"I am so sorry, Abba, please don't hurt me, please, I am so sorry." Tony and Gibbs looked at her in confusion. "What's she saying, Boss?"
Gibbs reached out to touch Ziva's arm that was wrapped around her legs. "She thinks she's back with Eli." Approaching her slowly, he said quietly, "Ziver? It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt ya." He put his hand on her wrist.
She screamed, "No! Please! Please don't punish me!" She wailed in Hebrew, sobbing.
Tony watched the scene with tears in his eyes.
Gibbs sat on the floor, she put herself flush against the wall, her voice squeaked as she pleaded with him, "Please don't rape me. Not again. Anything but that, it hurt so much Abba."
He took her hand in his and brushed her knuckles with his thumb. "Ziva, it's not Eli. It's Gibbs." He brought her hand to his cheek. "It's just me, Ziver. It's Papa."
Ziva looked at him through strands of hair in her face. "Papa?" She looked up at him with a face that could break anyone's heart. She looked so scared, so small, so fragile. Gibbs almost broke down, seeing his daughter like this. His lip quivered, "You're okay Ziva. Papa's got you."
"Papa!" She cried out as she threw herself in his arms, sobbing. He smoothed her hair and kissed her head as he rocked her. "Shh…it's okay. You're okay now."
Tony stood back, watching in awe. Seeing Gibbs at his best, being a father. He was grateful to have him there, but was so afraid for Ziva's future.
A/N4: A small time jump IS coming! Thank you for reading and reviewing so far! This story is still nowhere near the end.
