With Molly getting better I was able to take my kids on all kind of adventures. Molly was restless and so thirsty for the world, after being bedridden for so long. Whether it was a zoo, an amusement park, or a simple coffee shop, she was amazed and grateful as if I had given her the whole world.
William didn't always want to go with us, but when he did he made sure we get to know everybody we came in contact with.
"Hi, I'm William Scully," he would introduce himself first, then the rest of us: "This is my sister Molly Mulder and my father Mulder Scully."
Molly and I would smile shyly at each other, while William went on explaining this unusual introduction.
"My sister thinks Mulder goes better with her first name, but she is Scully too."
"My dad doesn't use his first name."
Sometimes, it would get weird and I had to pull him away and run to find a hole to bury myself in: "Molly was adopted and I was conceived unnaturally."
"Dad takes care of us while mom is in hospital with her ex-boyfriend."
"My mom got pregnant after aliens killed my dad, but now we are all alive."
It got him strangers' attention, alright! He never had a trouble with initiating conversations. In fact, when it comes to breaking the ice my son is a freaking global warming! I tried to explain it to him that some things are private and shouldn't be discussed with everybody, but he just doesn't get the concept.
He was starting to think that I don't understand anything as well. Approaching puberty, he finally realized that his cool dad may not be as cool as he thought.
On the other hand, mom was still cool, so maybe there was something besides hormones that was pulling him away from me, and I wasn't able to pinpoint what exactly. I started to observe him more carefully, as well as search for new activities we could enjoy together, but he kept brushing me off.
"Look William," I showed him a new rocket one day when he returned from school. Building rockets was something we both enjoyed, something that belonged only to the two of us. I put a lot of time and effort in designing this new model, but William refused to even look at it.
"Why don't you go build a dollhouse with Molly and leave me alone?" he suggested while walking past me, and my heart sunk with his words. I swallowed my disappointment and followed him to his room. My profiling skills failed me like they usually do when it comes to my family, so I had no choice but to resort to direct approach.
"Alright, what's wrong?" I asked him from his bedroom door, staying outside as a show of respect towards his personal space. I didn't want to approach him as an authoritative figure, but first and foremost as his friend.
William sighed and sat on his bed, looking at me warily: "Nothing's wrong. Can you leave now? I have homework to do."
"I want to talk to you," I insisted: "Can I come in?"
He thought about it for a moment, then agreed, but not without rolling his eyes on me: "Fine."
I closed the door behind me and joined him on the bed, still holding a rocket: "Why won't you look at it? It took me a long time to make this one, and I was hoping we would set it off together."
"I'm not a little kid anymore," he said flatly: "Why don't you go play with Molly?"
There it was again. Molly. Why was he repeatedly sending me to Molly? Could it be that he was jealous? But why? He adored his little sister. I had to get to the bottom of whatever it was that bothered him.
"You know, William," I started with the most common approach, while I figure out something smarter to say: "Just because we now have Molly it doesn't mean we love you any less."
"I know," he said after a moment of hesitation, then added so quietly that I barely heard him: "At least mom doesn't."
Oh boy! I was in trouble.
"William," I sighed: "There's no reason to be jealous."
I wasn't doing well with this conversation, but I wasn't going to give up. If he could talk about his issues with complete strangers without a hint of shame, then he could as well talk to his damn father.
"Do you have any idea what I've been through to get you?" I challenged him.
"Then why did you search for mom to give me away?" he accused me.
Oh god.
"I wasn't trying to get rid of you!" I snapped: "I wanted you to have a mother!"
"Because you didn't want to keep me?"
"Because it was the right thing to do. I wanted you more than anything in the world, but that didn't give me the right to separate you from your mother."
"And if I was a girl? Would you want to keep me then?"
What?
Wait, what?
What the hell?
"I don't… What are you talking about?"
"You wanted a girl, didn't you?"
"Who told you that?"
"Molly."
"What… ?"
"She said you told her you always wanted a daughter."
"William…"
"If it's not true, why did you tell her that?"
"It is. I did. I wanted a daughter, but it doesn't mean I didn't want a son."
"Were you mad because I wasn't a daughter?"
God, I was! But I couldn't tell him that. I wasn't myself back then and I did a lot of things that I will regret for the rest of my life. I owed him the truth about that time, but he was still too young to hear it.
"I was… afraid," I finally said. It wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie either.
"Afraid," he repeated to himself, rolling his eyes again.
"I am not making much sense to you, do I?" I asked him.
He shook his head: "No."
"That's what I was afraid of."
"Dad, that's stupid!" William objected: "You could not make sense to a daughter, also! What's the difference?"
"The difference is… I don't have to teach Molly how to be a woman. I don't get to compare myself with her, like I can do with you, and you can do with me. I should be a model to you and I don't know… If I can do it right."
"Why not?"
"Because I never seem to do anything right. I am afraid of failing you, son, especially you. You are already a bigger man than I will ever be."
"Does that mean I get to teach you?" he was suddenly excited, happy. Bless him.
"You teach me every day," I smiled, meaning every word.
"I want more! Will you listen to me?"
"It depends," I laughed: "What do you want to teach me?"
"To do more adult stuff," he said seriously.
"What 'adult stuff'?"
"I don't know. Maybe you could clean around house more."
"What's the point? Your mom will clean after me anyway."
"Ok, then… Have you ever played golf?"
"Golf?"
"Yes, Sean's dad plays it all the time! Maybe you would like it too."
"I highly doubt it."
"Fine. How about… Have you ever watched porn?"
"What?!"
"You know, those videos with naked adults…"
"I know what porn is, William, but I don't like to hear that you do."
"Dad, everybody knows what porn is!"
"Well, you shouldn't. You are too young for that."
"But you aren't."
"Why do you want me to watch something like that?"
"I don't. Only if you like it. Do you?"
I had to change the subject. Urgently! I wasn't ready for that conversation and I doubted I would ever be.
"Why do you want me to do more adult stuff?"
"Because you're an adult. I like when you hang out with Molly and me, but I don't like it all the time."
"You want more alone time with Molly," I finally understood.
"Dad… I know you miss your sister, but Molly is not Samantha. Molly is MY sister! And she will not disappear if you go in another room from time to time. You will still be close enough if bad people come to hurt us. Not that anybody ever bothers to come here. It's too far away even for aliens."
I felt a tear escape me at the same time as a chuckle. William can do that to you, make you cry and laugh at the same time, for all the right reasons. He observed me tensely, not sure how to take my reaction.
"Are you mad at me?" he finally asked, with worry filling his face.
"No," I smiled, barely holding back another tear: "No, of course not... You are right, I miss my sister, but… I won't let that come between you and Molly, I promise."
"Thank you, dad," he wrapped his arms around my neck: "I love you."
"I love you too, William. Don't ever doubt that again."
