Chapter 49
Dean threw the screen door open, holding the pitchfork in a threatening manner. His wife was behind him, holding a rolling pin tightly in her hand.
"Consarn it! Get out of my car, you trespasser!" Dean yelled at the perpetrator behind the wheel.
The car came to a complete stop on the lawn, but not before chewing through most of the grass and dirt that the Chancellors had worked so hard to maintain.
"Get out…" Dean seethed, clutching the pitchfork hard. "…of the car…nice…and…slowly!"
Edward got out of the car, hand held in the air.
It caught Dean by surprise.
"Edward Lipsky? Wha…how…?!" Dean gasped.
"Look, bro! I so needed to test out one of these hot rods!" Edward explained.
"But not on my award-winnin' lawn at three in th' morning and certainly not when a thunderstorm is comin'!" Dean yelled, pointing to the reddish clouds in the night sky as thunder rumbled above them.
"Edward…I trusted you to work on my hot rod collection and THIS is th' thanks that I get?!" Dean screeched, pointing to the burning tire treads on his lawn. "You are no longer welcome on my property!"
Dean then turned to Helena, "Call th' police! Tell them to get this long-haired hippie off my property and to get a pair of scissors for his mullet!"
Helena headed into the house and was about to dial 911 when she heard the yells. She was unable to reach the proper authorities.
Edward was incensed at Dean's choice of words.
"Seriously! You…don't…insult…the…'do!" the long-haired Lipsky cousin glared at the college president. He brushed through his untamed mullet.
Dean proclaimed to the automotive and mullet-obsessed student "Tell that to th' judge once he throws the book at…"
Then he felt something sting in his leg.
"Wha…."
Dean felt drowsy as he dropped the pitchfork to the ground. He fell asleep on the spring grass.
"Dean?" Helena asked, worried that her husband was lying on the ground.
She then also felt the same sting in her leg.
"Ohhhh…getting…sleepy…"
Helena collapsed on the ground next to her husband.
"Seriously! Good shooting, Drew!" Edward grinned.
"Oh, don't mention it, Edward!" Drew snickered.
"Now…what do we do with them?" Edward asked, pointing to the unconscious couple before them on the spring grass.
"Help me with Mr. Chancellor! We need to restrain him in order for Phase Two to work! As for the Miss, she'll have to watch helplessly as her husband's mind is going to be filled with pork! After we get Mr. Cut-The-Science Budget strapped to the machine, get a chair and some rope and tie up the misses!"
Drew laughed as he and Edward carried Dean's unconscious body to the personality-swap machine.
(30 minutes later)
The rumbling of thunder in the sky awakened Dean as the effects wore off of him.
"Where….am I?" he asked.
The president of the college then tried to move around to get a better feel of his surroundings. However, he was restrained by metal clamps on a metal chair on both his hands and his feet.
"What in tarnation? What's goin' on here?!" Dean shouted.
"I think the answer, President, is that you're going to be eating a lot of bacon when my evil plan is complete!" a voice cackled from behind the machine. It was, of course, Drew from behind the machine with Edward holding a flashlight to his face, repeatedly turning it on and off.
"You may put the flashlight down!" Drew insisted to his cousin, "It's really starting to become a little distracting!"
"Sorry, cousin! Seriously!"
Edward moved to the back of the stolen hot rod to get Hoagie out. Hoagie was squealing as loud as he could.
"Drew Theodore Lipsky!" Dean growled, "I knew you would be behind this!"
"Really? What gave it away?" Drew replied, giving an evil grin at him.
"Cuttin' down th' oak tree that had stood at the front of my granpappy's house for 100 years, using gasoline an' burnin' th' words 'DREW RULES' in my backyard, and even makin' fun of my accent!" Dean yelled at past pranks that Drew had done on his property. "All in an effort for me to raise your silly grades?!"
"Look, Chancellor! I am a reasonable man. If you would've given me another chance…" Drew began to explain but Dean would have none of it.
"Lipsky, I have had enough of your parlor tricks! Both you and your cousin are not only banished from my property, but I am also gonna bring your ass to th' Disciplinary Board so that they can expel you and Edward from MIST for good!"
Drew's smile faded into a slight growl.
"Chancellor, because of your choice of words…and your plan to cut the budget to try and save that stupid football team…"
"They are not stupid!" Dean refuted Drew's statement. "Sure they may have had an off year last year and the coach fired three of his assistants, but we're going to have a better football team this time around!"
"Not when I, the esteemed Dr. Drew Lipsky, intend to eliminate the school's football program from its budget next year!" Drew exclaimed. "It's a bit of…how do I say the word…revenge…for cutting the budget out of the robotics department for the upcoming dance this week! It was the last straw after you refused to raise my dismal grades!"
"And how are you goin' to do that? This state is th' most devout football state in the nation!" Dean questioned with thunder rumbling in the skies.
Drew just pointed to Edward putting his pet pig in a sitting position in the other chair while clamping down all its legs.
"Once I activate the personality switching device, I will make sure that the only thing that you'll have on your mind is bathing in your own filth!"
"A pig? Oh, I get it!" Dean scoffed, "Pig…pigskin!"
"Enough with the comparisons!" Drew growled before resuming that awful evil smile of his.
He then added in a calm demeanor, "Anyways, I wouldn't want the audience to be empty. So that's why I decided to include your wife to witness your transformation!"
"Edward!" Drew called out to his brother, hiding behind the machine. "Bring the missus around to the front!"
Edward wheeled out a leather office chair with Helena tied to it. She had a washcloth in her mouth to act as a gag while her hands are handcuffed to the back of the chair! A flash of lightning brightened the sky to show poor Helena all tied up.
"Drew Lipsky, once I get free from this here machine, you will be spendin' a mighty long time in jail thinkin' about what you did!" Dean screamed.
Little did they know that, behind the bushes and behind the machine, three pairs of eyes appeared in the shadows after Edward wheeled out Dean's wife, whom was trapped in the office chair. They were local hillbillies that resided in the nearby trailer park just two miles away from Chancellor's house. The yokels were picking up roadkill along the dirt road when they came upon the strange contraption that appeared in front of their eyes.
"Whaddya ya reckon that shiny thang is?" the first redneck asked.
"Lookey likes one of them new fancy outhouses!" the second redneck replied to the first.
The third one, whom was the leader of the group, pointed to the control panel that was shaped like a bathroom urinal!
"Whatever! Let's git up an' use th' outhouse! I've already had three cheeseburgers an' two colas!"
The yokels then saw the back of the president of MIST.
"Lookey! Isn't that Dean Chancellor?" the second hillbilly questioned.
"I reckon it is!" the first hillbilly replied, recognizing Dean's physical features. "And isn't that th' college kid that's causin' him a whole heap o' trouble?" The first hillbilly looked at the ranting Drew and had witnessed several of his college pranks on Dean's property. He played a role of being the groundskeeper of the property and was frustrated with Drew leaving burn marks on their prize-winning lawn.
"What are we gonna do?" the second hillbilly questioned.
"You two distract th' long-haired hippie…" the lead redneck replied, looking at Edward. "…while I free th' president!"'
"That won't be necessary once I switch your mind to that of a lowlife animal! Though I do like the concept of a talking pig!" Drew ranted, explaining his evil plan. "Once the personality switch is complete, I will take over as president of the college and I shall eliminate the football team for good! My grades will be raised to a D! And as an added bonus, the Bebes will finally be complete without interference from you! Me, James and the rest of the crew will have a good time at the dance with our metallic ladies!"
"You?! A college president at age 22?!" Dean mocked, "Th' college would go under because of you!"
Dean then continued the ridiculing, "James is a good student an' he will get married an' have good, well-respected kids! And as for these…women robots…you claim that will have a 'good time' with you, they will be downright ugly!"
What Drew and Edward didn't know that Helena was known to carry hairpins before going to bed. She took out one of her hairpins from her bathrobe and started to fiddle with the lock on her handcuffs.
"Yeah, right! And James will have a red-haired green-eyed teenage girl that 'can do anything' and defeat me every time I try to hatch a scheme! That will never happen to me!" Drew fumed with fury, "The Bebes will be perfect in every way and they will do as I say! I am an evil genius!" A dramatic bolt of lightning illuminated the sky, followed with another crack of thunder, scaring the farm animals that Dean owned.
"A genius?" Dean scoffed, "What type of genius would be makin' straight F's on his report card an' be on academic prob….?!"
"Enough!" he boomed as a loud roar of thunder bellowed in the sky. "Edward, we need to get back there and fire up the machine!"
"You got it, dude! Seriously!" Edward complied. Then he sniffed something.
"Dude, do you smell that?"
Drew smelled it as well.
"Ugh…what is that pungent and nasty smell?!"
Edward licked his finger and traced the scent.
"It's totally coming from behind the machine!"
The two Lipskys decided to investigate the origins of the foul smell.
While the Lipsky siblings were distracted, the lead redneck came to Chancellor and unshackled him.
"Oh thank heavens y'all came!" Dean exclaimed, rubbing his wrists.
"C'mon! We gotta get th' peace officers here to arrest 'em!" the lead redneck said as he went on to free Hoagie from his restraints.
"But what about my wife?"
Helena proudly tossed aside the office chair and handcuffs and shouted in her southern accent. "Don't worry, Dean! I'm fine!"
Drew and Edward looked behind the machine.
Both of them were stunned at what they saw. Two of the rednecks were urinating on the control panel. Sparks began to fly from the machine, causing it to short-circuit.
"Who are you?!" Drew yelled, "And what are you doing with my control panel?!
The two rednecks zipped up their pants after doing their business on the machine.
"Um…we're jest doin' our buseyness! We'll just mosey on outta hyar!" the first one said. They ran as fast as they could.
"Dude! Why did you design it like a urinal?!" Edward gasped.
"I was hungry after a science fair so I had to stop at one of those truck stops." Drew exclaimed. "I had to use the restroom!"
They heard the yell of Helena and ran back to the other side of the machine
The Lipsky duo saw that the restraints had come loose.
"Wait….where's Chancellor?" Drew looked around the front and then the back. "My plan cannot proceed without my subject!"
"And Hoagie!" Edward bemoaned, "Seriously, this tanks! Where did Hoagie go?!"
Drew turned his head and was astonished!
The college president and his wife had somehow escaped from their restraints and the lead redneck had Hoagie in his arms. They were headed towards the house
"WHAT?!"
"Oh no! Hoagie!" Edward screamed.
The two Lipskys ran as fast as they could but couldn't catch up to them. The Chancellors barricaded themselves and locked the door.
"Break it down!" Drew commanded his cousin.
Edward tried as hard as he could to break down the door, but failed to do so.
"No can do, dude! It's bolted shut!" came the reply from the auto mechanic. "I have a blowtorch in my truck! We can cut down the hinges with it!"
"Then that'll be our ticket to getting Chancellor and executing my glorious plan of getting rid of the football team!" Drew chuckled before an orange glow illuminated the front door windows.
"And soon enough, I will become the biggest man on campus! I will become the brightest man of the entire college board and they will raise my grades to a D!" He was staring at the locked door, his prey merely separated by a five-inch thick door.
Edward looked behind him, gasped and tapped on Drew's shoulder.
"Edward, can't you see I'm trying to gloat in the fact that Chancellor is about to resign due to having a pig-headed mind?!" Drew sneered at him, not looking behind him.
"Uh…dude…look behind you…seriously!"
Edward directed his cousin's attention to the stolen personality-reversing machine engulfed in flames.
"NOOOOOOO!" Drew screamed, his voice growing several octaves higher. "My plan! My beautiful plan of raising my grades has FAILED!"
"This is a bummer…" Edward replied before remembering what Drew told him in the truck "Um…didn't you tell me in the truck that the chemical in your rad machine were unstable?"
"Yes…I…did…." Drew replied weakly before hearing a loud explosion, destroying the machine.
"Great…my plan has been foiled by a bunch of dumb hicks, the personality machine is destroyed, and I am on the verge of being expelled from the college!" Drew whined, "Is there any way that my night can get any worse?!"
Several of the burning pieces of the machine punctured holes through the roof of Ms. Lipsky's truck and trailer, including one that landed on the shift gear of the truck, pulling the car in reverse and another that landed on the truck's gas pedal. The vehicle was now completely on fire as it went in reverse down the steep hill, along with the Lipsky matriarch's burning trailer. It crashed into Chancellor's silo of gasoline. The flames then touched the oil.
"Oh…snap…" was all Drew can utter from his mouth as a large explosion roared throughout the countryside. The explosion destroyed two barns filled with hay in addition to $15,000 worth of fuel and Mrs. Lipsky's vehicles.
Chancellor witnessed the roaring explosion and the flames spreading to two of his barns filled with hay for his horses.
He shrieked as loud as he could and blubbered his cheeks.
"Lipskyyyyyyyy! You're expelled!"
Drew gulped hard, facing the wrath of Dean Chancellor firsthand.
"The Prez is gonna kill us! Seriously!" Edward whimpered.
"Are you kidding?!" Drew exclaimed, ignoring his cousin, "I think it's Mother who's going to kill US! If you hadn't parked the trailed next to the hill, this wouldn't have happened and my plan would've worked!"
"My fault?!" Edward argued with him, "Seriously! Ma would also kill me if I lost Hoagie or his…you know…leavings!"
"Great, Mother's vehicles are destroyed and all you CARE about is the pig's poo?" Drew fumed before looking up in the air. A burning vat was in mid-air when the explosion happened, about 60 feet above the Lipskys. Pig manure was dumped on him before the vat landed 10 feet away from Drew and rolled into the hot rod Edward stole, the one he used to distract Chancellor.
"This is just not my day…" Drew complained, now that his suit was mired in fecal matter. And then another thunderclap boomed through the sky and it began to rain on them.
"Oh great… the 'do is ruined!" Edward lamented.
Already having enough of the Lipskys' shenanigans, Chancellor, without hesitation, finally got in touch with the police.
"We so have to jet, cousin!" Edward said. "The fuzz is gonna be here in a few minutes!"
"Nrrghh….fine…" Drew grunted, his night completely ruined.
The Lipsky siblings hijacked another hot rod from Chancellor's garage and escaped into the night before the police arrived.
Chancellor never saw the Lipskys again….for a long while.
