¡Parte dos, muchachos! Wait, do I have any male readers? Do guys read slash? Do guys even read fan fiction? I don't know.
Title: "Body Swap" (Part 2!)
Starring: Same as before.
Summary: Everyone is inside of each other! Uhhhh...that came out wrong.
"What are we going to do, Doctor?" asked the Red Lady sullenly, as she, still in the Master's body, and the Doctor, still in her body, waited in the UNIT holding cell. "I can't go home like this! For God's sake, I have a..." The Red Lady cleared her (his?) throat. "...er, goatee."
"You really believe that you're the only one with an awkward biological dilemma?" said the Doctor. "As much as I've always desired to have ginger hair, I never quite imagined it to be attached to a female, teenage, out-of-shape-"
"Watch it," growled the Red Lady in a way that could have actually passed for the Master.
"Sorry," sighed the Doctor. "I meant to say...human body. You know, having only one heart, it's a very odd sensation."
"Well, I don't particularly favor having two!" the Red Lady shot back, slightly sore over the comment on her body. (She was working on it, okay?!) "My chest feels too full!"
"Let us not argue back and forth over whose species' anatomy is more unfortunate," said the Doctor, "and focus on devising a way of convincing UNIT of the truth."
"They'll never believe a word we say! Not while you look like me, and I'm inside the Master!" Then she realized what she had just said and startled snickering to herself in a immature manner most unlike the Master. "I'm inside the Master. Oh, don't worry, Doctor, you'll get your turn soon enough."
"What the devil are you babbling about?!" snapped the Doctor, his words sounding ridiculous in the Red Lady's American, contralto dialect.
"But seriously, Doctor, all innuendo aside, there has to be some way to reverse this. It had to have been those crystals," said "the Master". "Is that what he was planning? To steal your body?"
"I don't think so, Red Lady. He seemed just as confused as we were," replied the Doctor.
"But nonetheless pleased," a familiar voice interrupted them.
The two in the cell looked up to that "the Doctor" had paid them a visit. The real Doctor looked sour. "Well, you must be enjoying your time as me," he (she?) grumbled.
"Indubitably," replied the Master, smirking the way the Doctor would not normally do so. "There's a bit more paperwork in this position that would be considered desirable, but still, I'm content where I am."
"Of course you are," hissed the Doctor. "Not only do you have my executive clearance and clout with UNIT, but you also have access to your TARDIS. I imagine you must consider yourself with the best of both worlds right now."
"Oh, no doubt," said the Master. "Oh, and just in case you're wondering, I've saved the crystals." He pulled them out of the Doctor's pocket. "Just so that when this all blows over and I've taken my rightful place as ruler of the Earth, I can regain my proper body."
"Why would you?" the Doctor grumbled. "You're taller than you've even been in your entire life!"
"Hey, just for the record, if you two are going to frick-frack, at least control your carnal urges until after we've all switched back," the Red Lady piped up. "Don't involve my body."
A look of mortification came over "the Doctor's" face as "the Red Lady" glared at her (him?) confusedly. "Red Lady, why must you always talk in riddles?"
The Red Lady sighed in disgust. "Doctor, could you really be more obtuse?"
"Enough of this," hissed the Master, blushing profusely. "Now, I'm off to make plans. In a few short days, I should have control of this miserable planet."
"I don't think so," said a voice from behind him, and the fake Doctor was knocked out by the butt end of the Brigadier's rifle.
"Alistair! I've never been so glad to see a mustache in my life!" cried the Red Lady, jumping up with glee.
"Er, yes, thank you," said the Brig, looking slightly off-put.
"But how did you know that wasn't the real Doctor, old chap?" asked the Doctor.
"I was listening to your conversation over the intercom secretly," said the Brig, unlocking the door to the cell and letting the two prisoners out. "I realized the truth and rushed down here immediately."
"Good man," said the Doctor, clapping the Brig on the back congratulatorily. (It felt a little strange to him, having to look up at him for once.) "Now, let's get this all sussed out before the Master wakes up."
He reached into his own pocket and pulled the crystals. He handed one to the Red Lady, kept one for himself, and pushed one into the hand of his own unconscious body. "Oh, I'm going to have quite the bump on the back of my head when I come back," the Doctor lamented.
Just then, the Master's eyes opened. He felt the gem in his hand and realized what must have happened. "No!" he shouted, throwing the rock away, but it was too late. The transformation had already started. The Doctor's body passed back out, as well as the Master's and the Red Lady's.
"Well," sighed the Brigadier, gazing down at the three bodies on the floor. "Here we go again."
This time, it was the Doctor who awoke first. He groaned in anguish and rubbed his face-then frowned. When had he grown facial hair? Wait. Uh oh.
He barely had time to react when the Brigadier rudely grabbed him by the lapels of the Master's Nehru suit and shoved him up against the bars of the cell. "And now that you're back in your rightful body," he said, "I'm putting you away."
"Lethbridge-Stewart, it's me!" cried the Doctor as the Brigadier snapped handcuffs on his wrists. "The Doctor! Our bodies have gotten mismatched again!"
"You really believe I'm going to fall for the same trick twice?" sneered the Brigadier.
"Er, Alistair," said a voice, as the velvet clad figure got up from the floor, rubbing the back of her (his?) head. The Doctor's body had presumable gotten snatched by the Red Lady. "He's-Jesus, what a goose egg!-telling the truth. Holy hell, I'm tall!" she (he?) added.
"Oh," said the Brigadier, sheepishly unlocking the Doctor's cuffs. "But then the Master is-"
"Right here," groaned the ginger girl, getting up. "Alright, let's get this thing fixed. And if I hear one snicker from any of you, I'll hunt you down and TCE the life out of you, understood?!"
"Understood, old chap, understood," said the Doctor quickly. "Now, why were our bodies mixed up again? What are we doing wrong?"
"Hm," said the Red Lady, putting a finger to her (his?) lip and now doing an apt impression of the Doctor. "Hey, I just thought of something. When we picked up those gem stones, didn't they all turn a specific color?"
"That's right," said the Doctor. "Mine was purple, if memory serves correctly."
"Mine turned green," added the Master.
"And mine was red, obviously," recalled the Red Lady. "So maybe if we want our proper bodies back, we have to hold the properly colored crystal!"
"Of course!" said the Doctor. "Red Lady, you're brilliant."
"Of course I am," said the Red Lady, smirking. "Now, let's see. I've got the Doctor's body, so I have to hold the purple crystal. Doctor, you hold the green crystal, and Master, you take the red. That should do it."
"What do I do?" asked the Brig, standing in the center of the threesome.
"Nothing, old chap, just let us work this out-ah, I'm feeling the effects already." The Doctor fainted, and was shortly followed by the Red Lady and the Master.
"What effects? Oh, those effe-" And the Brigadier collapsed as well.
A few moments later, the Brigadier sat up abruptly. "Goddammit, not again!" he exclaimed. "We almost had it! Oh, how do I get myself into these messes? Would you all shut up, I'm trying to think! You're the one who got us into this whole mess, you infuriating jackanapes! Hey! There is not enough room in this head for all four of us, and your bickering! Take your domestic spats outside! Domestic spats, what the devil are talking about now? Shut up, Red Lady, or I shall-oh please, Master, you know you wouldn't do a damn thing to me-this is my body and I'm telling all of you to shut up right now!...Does this count as a ménage à quatre? RED LADY!"
