A/N: I was listening to Pieces by Red when I wrote the first part of this chapter, that's where the song lyrics are from. As a matter of fact, there is a Thane/FemShep fan made vid of this song. I recommend you all watch it. If I could remember the name of the person that made it I would put it up, but alas, I can't recall. Either way, the next few chapters are inspired by this song. I hope you all enjoy. :)
I'm here again, a thousand miles away from you; a broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am.
She gazed through the window in the ceiling above her bed, wondering if he was watching over her. She rarely left her cabin, only on important missions. She couldn't bear to see his name on the wall. She didn't want anyone's sympathy; all she wanted was to kill the man that took Thane's life. Thanks to Anderson, and Miranda, she was able to put a name to the face; Kai Leng. He would meet his end at her hands.
When she felt the tension in her rising again, she headed down towards the shuttle bay. Punching the bag was a good way to relieve her sorrow… it didn't hurt so much.
James didn't question her when he saw her start hitting the bag without wraps. She wanted to feel the pain, it was better than the pain she felt in her heart. Every hit was Kai Leng; she imagined hitting his face to a bloody pulp. Slowly, Thane's face came. Almost like photos in her head. Thane smiling. Thane praying. Thane's lips against hers.
She punched the bag so hard that it popped open and sand poured out. She groaned.
"You might want to take it easy, Shepard," Garrus said to her.
She walked towards him, and he tossed a towel at her, "I'll live."
"Will you?" he asked her.
She glanced up at him, noticing James eyeballing them in the background. She shot him a stern look and he continued doing whatever he was doing in the first place. Her attention went back to Garrus, "What do you want, Garrus?"
His voice lowered, "I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. About Thane."
His name made her heart flutter, Garrus continued, "I figured you'd want time for yourself, to deal with it. You're not good at talking about your feelings when it comes to the dead. But, I liked him. He was a great man."
She leaned against the shuttle, looking at her feet, "He was."
Garrus put his hand on her shoulder, "You and I deal with things differently, but if I know you; you'll want revenge for his death. I'm not going to stop you, you need this."
This puzzled her, "But, I stopped you from killing Sidonis."
"That was different; justice was served to him. I don't think justice will matter in this case," he said.
There was silence for a few moments before he changed the subject, "Speaking of justice, Samara has informed Liara that she is on her way to Earth with some justicars, all ready to help out the resistance."
"Good," she said, getting up, "I need to get some rest."
He nodded at her and she paused at his side, "Thanks… Garrus."
"Don't shut us out, Shepard, we're all here for you," he said to her.
She barely made it to the restroom this time; she felt extremely nauseated and tired. A groan escaped her lips as she flushed the toilet in her cabin and heard a faint knocking. Quickly, she rinsed her face and shouted, "Its open."
"Hey," came Kaidan's voice, she dried her face with a towel and met him near the fish tank.
"Kaidan," she said, leaning against the tank, "What's up?"
"Just wanted to see how you're doing…" he paused, his eyes boring into her, "With… it can't be easy; dealing with the passing of someone you care about… I know."
"I'm not sure I want to talk about this, Kaidan," she groaned, her stomach still feeling wonky, the taste of metal in her mouth, "it's not that- it's just- ugh."
He chuckled, "I get it, Shepard. It's weird to talk about your- well the person you love with the person you used to love; I just wanted to check in on you."
Her eyes were following a little blue fish, swimming towards an orange fish, "I'll deal with it, Kaidan."
He nodded. The room was quiet for a moment; it had been like this since Thane. She barely wanted to see anyone, Kaidan was the last thing on her mind.
"You know, when you were dead, I spent months mourning. I thought to myself, that if I prayed hard enough, then—I don't know, maybe someone out there would hear me and bring you back to me," he sighed.
Joan's eyes met his now, he continued, "I had a hard time sleeping, I couldn't eat anything; I didn't want to be around anyone."
"Kaidan…"
"Hold on—just, listen, please," he crossed his arms now, "What I'm trying to say is: it's—what you're feeling right now; it's ok to feel that way. Just don't stay in it forever, because… it can destroy you."
She wasn't sure what to say to that. What could she say? Kaidan knew firsthand what he was talking about… he did lose her, after all.
"Thane mentioned that you both got separated that day; you got him out?"
"Actually, I was visiting him that day," he revealed, staring straight at her.
This revelation left her dumbfounded, "Why?"
He shrugged, "Because, he was good guy. Didn't matter that he was an assassin; when I first spoke to him, I could see why you fell for him. He was… generous," he chuckled, "We were playing cards that day, and I had a feeling he let me win."
She laughed, "You always did have a terrible poker face."
"Well, I guess I do," he said, "Look, I know this probably isn't the right time to tell you this; but I care about you, still. More than you'd know. The reality of it is-," he walked towards her, standing just a few inches from her, "I am still in love with you."
The news didn't shock her. The timing, however…
"Kaidan—I don't know what to say to that, I just—"
"I know," he cut her off, "I know. I just, I couldn't keep these feelings inside anymore. I know you probably don't feel the same and I'm the one that broke it off… but I have never stopped loving you. I'm not asking you to be with me… because that's impossible for you right now. But if the time comes; I'll be here."
"Wait, Kaidan, you have a girlfriend, remember? The doctor you broke up with me me for?"
He looked down at his hands, "We broke up. A good while back, before Earth was attacked."
Now she felt like shit, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize…"
"It's fine; we weren't compatible anyways; or so she said."
She suddenly felt bad for him. She hadn't realized how difficult it must have been for him to imagine her with Thane. She closed the distance between them and leaned her head on his shoulder. His arms wrapped themselves around her waist, gripping her tightly.
They stayed that way for a few moments before she let him go, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea, Kaidan. I need to figure things out."
"I understand," he said, he started walking out, "But if you can secure an alliance between the Krogan and the Turians… I'm sure you can figure out where your heart lies."
She was left standing there, speechless. He said he wasn't trying to pressure her, but it seemed like… ugh, I can't think about his right now. She sat at her private terminal and reread the last email that Thane sent her. It had arrived shortly after his passing. It was the only thing that brought her some form of sanity in these insane times.
