Chapter 52

Gil walked past the open door to Lithuania's room, stopping just past it as he heard the dark-haired country say his name. He stepped back, putting his hand on the doorframe, looking in, staying back.

"It's ok…" Lithuania motioned for him to come in weakly, "It's ok, I'm not angry with you."

"You should be," Gil shook his head and turned away.

"Gil!" Lithuania called after him, sitting up carefully. He sighed in relief as Gil stepped back into the doorway, "Help me with the bandages? I would call one of the others, but since you're already here…"

Gil sighed, knowing it was just an excuse to talk to him. He didn't want Lithuania's forgiveness. He wanted him to hate him but knew he wouldn't. He walked in slowly, pulling an old wooden chair up towards Lithuania's bed and sitting down. The lamp on the nightstand cast a warm light in the otherwise dark room. The light should have been comforting, but Gil hated it. It's light intensified the shadows on the cuts and bruises he'd left all over Lithuania's body. The man's right arm was wrapped in a cast. Gil closed his eyes.

Lithuania raised his right arm across his face, looking up at GDR, shaking, "Gil, Please… please…"

GDR grabbed Lithuania's wrist and snapped it easily, smiling as Lithuania cried out in pain. He threw the man's wrist to the ground and kicked his ribs as hard as he until he saw blood dripping from the country's mouth.

Gil stood, turning to walk away.

"Where are you going? You're going to help me aren't you?" Lithuania tried to smile weakly, sitting up more, motioning to the medical supplies beside the bed.

Gil didn't look back at him but stopped, he'd been avoiding him for the past week. The others hadn't said a word to him, except Latvia. He knew they were all angry with him, and they had every right to be, but he couldn't face them. He'd barely left his room. Latvia brought him everything he needed, and every night, he went to Russia's office to get the drugs. Every night Russia put a needle in his arm and asked him the questions he hated answering no matter how true they'd become. He was owned, possessed, controlled… He hated relying on Russia for everything, even his own sanity. He looked back at Lithuania, sitting back down in the chair. He forced himself to look up into the green eyes staring back at him.

"Gil, it's ok. It's ok, I forgive you. I know what happened… it's ok…" Lithuania tried to be reassuring.

Gil felt sick, "I WANT YOU TO HATE ME!" He shouted suddenly, slamming his fists into the sides of the chair, standing, "I want you to yell at me! I want you to tell me what a monster you know I am! I want you to hate me! Everything I am! Everything I stood for, everything I do now! I'm exactly like Russia, can't you see that!?" he shook his head, trying to think.

Lithuania looked down, waiting for Gil to continue, knowing he would.

"Why don't you get it, Toris!? I loved hurting you! I loved every second of it! Your blood… the way you screamed in pain… oh, it was better than the drugs… don't you understand!? I'm a monster, just like Russia! I always have been! I've always enjoyed a good fight, and even better, seeing my enemies bleeding on the ground… the way I interrogate, the way I torture… I'm good at it. Don't you get it, I'm good at it! Poland's right, I'm good at hurting people! I always have been… My whole life all I've ever done, all I've ever been raised to do was conquer and kill! I'm a soldier! I kill and I follow orders and I hurt people! I'm a monster just like Russia, I-"

"STOP IT!" Lithuania snapped, angry. He forced himself to stand, his whole body shaking with the effort. He didn't care, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself! You were one of the greatest nations in Europe-"

"Greatest tyrants-"

"No!" Lithuania shook his head, "I know you've done terrible things, well so. have. I. We have, Gil… we'll all had good leaders and bad leaders…"

"I didn't say 'my leaders', I said I enjoyed hurting you! I don't want you to forgive me, I want you to hate me!"

"Well, I don't. And I won't. Because as much as you say you enjoyed it, I know you hate yourself for it. Gil, that wasn't you back there… I know that-"

"Yes, it was…" Gil shook his head, looking away.

"It wasn't you anymore. The war changed everyone… everyone…" Lithuania sighed, "Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're the awesome Prussia aren't you?"

Gil looked away, "Nein…"

Lithuania growled, slamming his hand into the nightstand, "D*****t Gil, stop it! I don't care what Russia's done to you! You're stronger than this, don't you DARE give up like this!"

"Says the man who gave up completely!"

"No, I didn't!" Lithuania shook his head, frustrated, "Don't you get it? I do fight. I fight Russia every chance I get!"

Gil looked at him, confused.

Lithuania sighed in frustration, gritting his teeth and looking into Gil's face, "You still haven't figured it out, have you?"

Gil didn't reply.

"I fight him with all I've got. I fight him with the only thing I have to fight him with, and that's his own power hungry bloodlust! Because if I can protect the people I love, if I can protect Bela and Poland and Latvia and everyone else in this house, including you, then he can do whatever he wants to me. I don't care how much he hurts me because it's on my terms! I volunteered! I let him hurt me so he doesn't hurt ANYONE else that I care about including himself! I fight back every day. Russia's not the only one in this house who knows how to play games, Gil…"

Gil looked into Lithuania's face. He'd forgotten how noble and powerful he really looked. The mouse-ish timidity was gone. Lithuania looked like he remembered him, strong. "And what happened last week? Were you in control then? Were you playing back? Was that on your terms…?"

Lithuania shook his head, "No. No, but I don't blame you for that."

"You should! I don't know how to fight him anymore! No matter what I do he retaliates! No matter how hard I try to fight him he always wins!" Gil clenched his hands into fists.

"I know…" Lithuania sighed, "Sometimes I think he only lets me get away with it because… I'm his 'favorite'."

Gil shuddered, "Why? Has he ever told you?"

Lithuania nodded, "Once, when he was drunk."

Gil sighed, "Toris, I don't know how to fight him… Give me a map and ten thousand men on horseback and I will win almost every time. I can plan a winning battle in my sleep. I'm the best sword fighter of all of us, and if you give me a gun I will not miss… but… but the kind of mind games he's playing…" Gil touched his arm through his sleeve where the injection marks from the night before were almost fully healed. "Why shouldn't I give up? I already have before… I thought he broke the fight out of me, I don't want it… it's too painful… but… but he didn't. Because I still hate him. I still want to fight him with everything that I am… but I can't… he… I'm his bird… his caged bird who can't get away…"

"At least you have people out there who are trying to help you…" Lithuania's voice dropped to a whisper.

Gil looked at him suddenly, a dull ache settling into his stomach, "W-what?"

Lithuania smiled, half laughing, "Oh, Gil… you still don't get it… You, Poland, Hungary, you have people out there, other countries, who are trying to get you back. Do you really think your brother isn't spending every spare moment he has trying to figure out how to break that wall? And America's helping him, I'm sure… he would… but… no one's helping me, Gil…"

Gil keep his eyes fixed on Lithuania's. He expected to see sorrow in them, but it wasn't there, just resignation.

Lithuania looked around the room, sighing sadly, "You know Gil, I've lived here so long it… it feels more like home than mine…"

Gil said nothing, looking away.

"I'm sorry you're stuck here in hell too… but you're not the only one… and you're actually going to get out someday."

"Why don't you leave?"

"I can't."

"And why not?" Gil asked, half serious, "Why not, right now? Just tell Russia you're leaving."

"Gil, you know it's not that simple. What do you think he would do if I tried something like that?"

"Kill you?" Gil half laughed darkly.

Lithuania shrugged, "And slowly, most likely," he sighed. "Maybe someday… but you have to stay strong, Gil. Keep fighting, even if it's only in your own mind. Don't let him in. He's trying. Don't let him in."

Gil nodded, "None of this changes the fact that you should hate me for what I did to you…"

"And that doesn't change that I don't hate you, and I do forgive you."

Gil sighed, shaking his head.

"Are you going to help me with these bandages?" Lithuania looked down at his chest and shoulders, wrapped in the gauze.

Gil sighed again, and nodded, "Ok… let me get some water…" Gil took the bowl from the nightstand and brought it into the bathroom.

Germany yawned, forcing himself to keep his eyes fixed on the books in front of him. So much paper work…

He lifted his head suddenly, confused. He hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep.

"Germany?" Italy whispered gently, "It's almost 3 in the morning…"

Germany looked up, smiling in amusement to see Italy in his pajamas with bunny slippers. He looked at his watch. It was 2:53 AM exactly. He sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"You need sleep if you're going to help Prussia." Italy put his hand on Germany's shoulder with a sigh, "I know you want to help him but-"

"I know," Germany nodded, "I know, I'm no good to him if I'm a zombie."

Italy shook his head, "No! Not a zombie! Zombies are scary! And you're not!" Italy smiled.

Germany smiled back, "You sure?"

Italy nodded, "Not scary at all!"

"I'm glad someone thinks so…"

Italy sighed again, putting his other hand on Germany's shoulder, looking up at him, his voice growing more serious, "They've all forgiven you. They're learning to trust you. You're not who you were then, ok?" Italy smiled gently.

Germany nodded with a sigh, "Danke, Italy…"

Italy grinned, "Ve~~~" he hugged Germany.

Germany accepted it, hugging back awkwardly.

"Ok, I'm going back to sleep!" Italy smiled, running up to the staircase, "If I don't hear you in your room by 3:30 I'm going to come drag you upstairs!"

Germany smiled, laughing internally. He nodded to Italy, "Deal."

Italy smiled again and disappeared up the stairs and around the corner.

Germany sighed, looking back down at the papers. He needed help. He couldn't finish all this. Lists, names, organizations, money, as much information as he could find on the wall. The guards, their names, the times they changed rotations, the regular times for people to go through the checkpoints, everything he knew, everything he could find. He looked at the phone. It was entirely the wrong time to make a call, but he had to. He growled, annoyed with himself, and picked up the phone, pulling a phone number from his pocket. He dialed it and waited.

"Ja?" A young man's voice replied.

"Cort?"

There was silence for a moment.

"Who's asking?"

"Your country."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

Germany sighed, "It's Germany, Ludwig Beilschmidt, Gil's brother."

"Oh, you mean that literally… ok. I'm listening."

"How's your leg?"

"Fine. That's not why you're calling." It wasn't a question.

"Nein," Germany sighed, "Look, you grew up on the other side as a child, you know how it works. You spied for me once… I need your help again."

"A spy with a fake leg sounds like a great idea, no thank you, I think I'd rather stay alive. Besides, Russia knows who I am, if he sees me he'll kill me."

"I don't need you to do anything dangerous. I need to figure out who to get the wall down. I need to know what to do once it does… Cort, I need your help."

There was another long silence.

"Ja. Ok. When am I meeting you?"

"Tomorrow at noon. I'll have lunch for us, and we can discuss things then."

"Where are we meeting?"

"My house."

"All right. I'll be there." Cort hung up the phone.

Germany replaced it on the base and sighed, pushing his hair back instinctively, exhausted. He looked up at the stairs. He needed sleep. He desperately needed sleep. Slowly, he walked up the steps, so tired he felt like he could fall asleep standing up. Finally, he made it to his room and crashed onto his bed, not even bothering to take off his belt and shoes.

Gil finished wrapping the last bandage around Lithuania's shoulders, "There," he sighed, "Done."

"Thank you, Gil," Lithuania smiled, nodding, "It's hard to do by myself…"

Gil nodded again, "I'm sure…"

"Russia, please! Stop this, please!" Lithuania begged, looking up at the giant country who stood watching from beside his chair as GDR dug the faucet of the pipe across his already broken skin, ripping it up, tearing through the fresh wounds. He screamed in excruciating pain again as Gil used even more force on his back. He looked up at Russia, who wore no expression. No pleasure, no hatred, no anger, nothing, just nothing. He looked back up at GDR, screaming again as GDR kicked him onto his back. He looked into GDR's face as the man laid the pipe against his jaw.

"You like helping the others, don't you Litva?" GDR's voice was cold, even colder than Russia's, "Could you still do that without a voice?" GDR dragged the pipe down slowly until it rested on the center of Lithuania's throat.

Lithuania looked up at him, his eyes begging, "Gil, please…"

"And thank you…" Lithuania looked back at Gil, "For not… hurting me worse. For not killing me…"

Gil nodded, looking down, "I'm glad I didn't…" he stood, "Do you need anything else."

Lithuania shook his head, looking at Gil, worried suddenly.

Gil nodded again and turned towards the door, walking towards it quickly.

"Gil."

Something in Lithuania's voice made Gil stop. He turned to look at him slowly.

"Give it back," Lithuania sighed, looking into the haunting red eyes.

Gil looked back at Lithuania, "And what am I giving back?"

"You know what," Lithuania said, sighing.

Gil walked up to Lithuania slowly, looking at him, his eyes apologizing silently.

Lithuania held out his hand, sighing deeply as Gil dropped his razor blade into his palm. He looked up at the white-haired country, "Don't start. You won't be able to stop…"

"Who said I'll want to stop?" Gil didn't look at Lithuania.

"Someone who doesn't."

Gil turned to look into Lithuania's face. There was pain in his eyes again. Gil walked away without another word and stepped out of the room.

Lithuania sighed as soon as Gil was gone. He picked up the razor blade and looked at it, turning it in his fingers. He closed his eyes hard for a moment, then looked at his left arm, then back at the razor. He closed his eyes again, closing his fingers around the blade. He set it down on the nightstand and put his face in his hands.


A/N: An interesting chapter to write... Gil gets yelled at by Lithuania, who's stronger than most think... (writing this has made him one of my favorite characters... and not just in Hetalia. Like one of my favorite characters of anything ever... :) And the end... *sigh* at least Liet put the razor down... I actually used to self-harm as a teenager. It was horrible. It's a terrible place to be. I'm always willing to talk about it. If you need help, please get help! You're too valuable to hurt yourself. I promise.

Anyway... some happiness on the West side of the wall! Italy's taking care of work-a-holic Germany, and Germany's going to get some help from Cort (who's developed a sassy side apparently...? Not sure where that came from, but I like it.) Also, Italy in bunny slippers just makes me happy. So cute! XD

As always, reviews are so appreciated! I love how quickly you guys are reviewing too! It certainly encourages me to continue updating so quickly! :D :D Cookies, lemonade, and treats for all reviewers! Thank you! Danke! Spasiba! :D :D :D